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Don't Think I Will Ever Make It Here

Jesusismyanchor posted 11/29/2019 21:34 PM

I don't think I will ever make it to my new beginning. I read them but all I feel is pain. First the pain from infedility and lies and now from breaking up the family via D. I am just heartbroken and don't feel I will ever get over it. I am devastated and have been sad for a long time now. The pain my kids are going through is the worst. I just don't feel that I am ever going to be the same. I don't think I will ever be happy and joyful again.

WhoTheBleep posted 11/29/2019 22:04 PM

Jesus, I just sent you a p.m..

You are grieving. Understandably.

Are you in IC? Have you seen your doctor? You sound depressed, and rightly so. Sometimes meds can get us over that hump. You don't have to be on them forever.

I was where you are. Many of us were. I assure you, you will never be the same. You are correct. You will be better. Because you are no longer living with a lying cheating abuser. It will take time. You will grieve. But you will move forward in integrity. You are the stable parent, and your children will see this.

Hugs to you dear lady.

BearlyBreathing posted 11/29/2019 22:39 PM

Isnít time the worst? It just takes ... so long... be patient- so much upheaval takes time to be processed and accepted . You WILL get there. I am sorry you are hurting. And i am sorry your children are hurting.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 11:56 PM, November 29th, 2019 (Friday)]

ChoosingHope posted 11/29/2019 22:50 PM

I can only repeat what the previous posters have written. When I first realized what was going on, I literally couldn't breathe. I would sit down on sidewalks and think I might die.

I didn't give my beautiful children the life I so desperately wanted for them. I failed. I failed my marrying my ex-husband, and the mistakes from there just compounded.

I am now eight years from D-Day. My ex is a sociopath, and he is hell bent on destroying my peace and life. But guess what! I have somehow managed to survive, to heal, to come back and be happier than ever before in my adult life. I did not think it was possible.

My children have been through a lot. But their very early lives have served them well: they are resilient, strong, honest, and compassionate young teens now. They are GOOD. Good in a different way than if they had continued in their fancy private schools, in their fake perfect lives. But good. They are going to be okay - better than okay- in the long run.

It takes so much time to recover from these shocks, these incredible disappointments, these traumas. But it can be done, and it's done every day. Please keep posting here. People will show you the way. xx. Hope.

Jesusismyanchor posted 11/30/2019 10:32 AM

I was in IC but stopped about a year ago. We had spent so much money on IC for me, IC for him, MC and psychiatry for him plus meds that we ran out of money. After he lied to me again we separated amd our bills went up. So I can't afford IC anymore. I don't even know how to pay for Christmas presents for my kids right now.

My dad also died this time of year at Thanksgiving. I do see the abuse that I was blind to for so long and thanks for acknowledging that I have been through a lot. No one in my family sees it as abuse or understands how hard it has been. I have begun to just hide it from them as they don't get it and don't know what to do with it. That is en entirely different hurt.

I think the holidays with all the cheer and family sentiemnts is making it worse for me.

BearlyBreathing posted 11/30/2019 11:54 AM

JIMA,

Please look in to online therapy. It is less than $300 per month and I find it very helpful, especially after some distance from the initial shock. There are telephone, web phone, or strictly in writing ó I like the all writing since it is not time-restrictive. And reading back my own words, and re-reading my therapists is a bit like SI where you can really mull things over, explore them in your mind, and take the time to really answer with full honesty. I also can see my progress and where I am a broken record. And being able to vent/question/ponder without waiting until Thursday at 4pm is good for me. I am not good at holding things in.

I believe local universities offer reduced price therapy for students are close to graduation ó so quality therapy.

But most of alló keep moving forward. You may not feel the healing and progress, but it is happening. And you have a big fan club here at SI who will be here with you.

Jesusismyanchor posted 11/30/2019 17:05 PM

I appreciate the suggestions. I know therapy is good as I was in it, but I am at the point of having zero budget to spend on that. I am doing everything I can to survive financially right now. It is hard to imagine that if you have money like I used to. I feel la little better today. I think I am doing better for a bit and then I get pulled under again and lose heart.

thatbpguy posted 11/30/2019 22:27 PM

Hello.

I know the pain you feel. I felt it heavy for a few years and still do today almost 20 years later.

A blind love, faith, and trust betrayed is perhaps the worst thing to befall a spouse. Especially in a Christian home. It's no wonder infidelity was a capitol offense in the OT.

But there is one who heals and restores. Yes, it takes time. And maybe a lot of time. Just remember your foundation.

And find time for yourself. Make it a point to.

homewrecked2011 posted 11/30/2019 22:53 PM

Alanon has free phone meetings. You can google search for them. You call in, and are on a conference call. No one will know you are there, if you donít speak. They are available every day, all times.

Is there a domestic violence center in your area? My IC there was $1.00 a week!!!! Even though I had $$ coming in, the IC knew I needed it. They provided my kids an awesome Christmas with the donations received from the community.

Emotional abuse is domestic violence. And your H having sex with someone else while you are pregnant is emotional abuse.
We all believe in you. Take everything one day at a time.

(((anchor)))

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:55 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]

Jesusismyanchor posted 12/1/2019 19:48 PM

Thanks everyone for being there for me and for the suggestions. I did not know about all of those and plan to look into it.

I went to church this morning and during communion really felt close to God. I felt some peace and that He spoke to my heart. I have been so overwhelmed with sandess, fear, stress and pain. He reminded me that He was with me. He is the source of peace and joy...not money, a M, a person or a holiday. He reminded me that the upcoming holiday is about Jesus in the first place. He reminded me that He loved me. I can give Him my burdens.

So with the support here and after going to church today I am feeling better. Thanks for commenting when everything felt so very dark

crazyblindsided posted 12/4/2019 16:58 PM

(((Jesusismyanchor))) I know what you mean. I'm in IHS and feel like it is taking forever There are times that I will actually feel confused and question my decision and luckily that passes as I do not want to be in this same situation years from now (been there done that).

I too do not think I will be the same again. I haven't been since False R. It's like life is one big disappointment. The one thing that does keep me going are my kids and furkids!

Shehawk posted 12/4/2019 20:25 PM

There is healing and there is life after betrayal.

My ch's betrayal was brutal and I was devestated. It was severe betrayal and it (infidelity) was domestic abuse.

I was offered free counseling at the domestic violence shelter...wonder if that would be an option that might feel right to you. Even now months later I am planning to go back once I have a car again.

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