SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Reconciliation

imgonnabeok posted 12/2/2019 06:24 AM

I'm trying to forgive her for what shes done to me and our family. It's been about 6 weeks since DD. Mind mind changes from day to day sometimes hour to hour...honestly how long should I give it before making a final decision?

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/2/2019 06:45 AM

It is way too early for you to forgive her. Consistent, positive actions bu her over years is what you need to see. The general rule is that it takes 2 to 4 years to recover from infidelity. Don't try to force it.

As far as a specific time limit, idk. Only you can decide what's right for you. I didn't put a time limit on anything, but I wasn't planning to stay long term.

You need to get the whole truth. She needs to take full responsibility for her actions.

imgonnabeok posted 12/2/2019 06:55 AM

Coco

Thanks for the response. I guess forgive her was the wrong word to use. I know it will be sometime before I could actually forgive her. I'm more talking about deciding to R or just cut my losses and go. Shes doing everything right at the moment...obviously its only been 6 weeks or so but I feel like shes doing good. She will definitely have to keep it up. My mind just flips between I can't forgive her to we can probably get through this so often.

tushnurse posted 12/2/2019 07:26 AM

Old timer here - It is way too soon to even be thinking about this.

Take it off the table. When R begins it is a crazy time. And it is TOTALLY NORMAL to waiver back and forth, especially if your WS isn't 100% all in on R, or isn't doing everything they absolutely should be to help you start to heal.

We had a rough start to R, even though we both agreed to R upon DDay. My H however went through a period of "the fog" or some limerance, and being the boy scout he was wanted to have a plan B, and as such kept breaking NC w/ his AP.
Every single time he broke it he fell right back into the same behavior patterns he had during the A. Which was pretty much being a giant ass.

When I finally got pissed off enough and found enough inner strength for it, I got my plan together and when he broke NC for the final time, I left work, went home to him, and took my wedding rings off, handed them to him, told him he had 15 minutes to get some things together and get out, I was done. I would be in touch w/ his MOM, to let her know when he could see the kids. This was our turning point. His major concern or worry was being alone, and when I stripped him of his family, his home, and everything he had ever worked for he finally started doing the work.

My point in all this rambling is it takes a long time to get to where you feel like you have some solid footing and that R is the right path for you. It takes even longer build back any trust. Forgiveness and Trust should be taken off the table. Until your WS does the real work to figure out her why's and fix it she doesn't deserve either.

Lastly just remember you reserve the right to change your mind at any time regardless of the work she is or is not doing. Sometimes infidelity is truly a deal breaker, but it may not be clear for quite some time, until you start to heal yourself. The one thing you should do right away is establish this with your WS immediately. They need to know that you could just walk away, it gives them a bit of motivation to do the work, and stick with it.

imgonnabeok posted 12/2/2019 07:56 AM

Tushnurse

Thank you so much for your rant! I need hear this right now. I'm struggling today. I have definitely told her that she could do everything 1000% right and I could still walk away. We aren't married but we've been together for about 13yrs with a 10yr old son. If I leave she gets only what I let her take. She definitely wants to make it work. Shes following all the boundaries I set. Did your WH stay in the house after DD? I think that's leading to alot of my confusion on what to do. It's hard to be in the same house with someone you love and simultaneously hate at the same time.

LifeisCrazy posted 12/2/2019 08:18 AM

Another old timer here - it will be 8 years on Thursday... although, tbh, I actually forgot that it was coming up!

Whenever I speak to people about your question, I usually mention that it really depends on YOU. What I mean by that is that there are some people who simply cannot tolerate infidelity. And that is perfectly ok. For those people, if their wife cheats, it is an absolute deal-breaker and the marriage is over (even if they don't admit it at first). Some people simply cannot get over the fact that someone else fucked their wife - and, for a lot of guys - that really is what it comes down to.

So... are you one of them? Deep down, are you a guy who may be able to, one day, way down the road, look past her indiscretion? If you're not, there really is little need to prolong the inevitable. You will never be able to get past it and you might as well move things along.

If, however, you think you're someone who MIGHT be able to deal with the trauma... then there's a second issue. Is your girlfriend someone who is CAPABLE of doing the hard work and helping you heal?

Think about it. You know her better than anyone. Not everyone is up for the task of dealing with your pain and shame and sadness. Not everyone can take the anger you're going to display and hang around for more. Not everyone is willing to subjugate themselves in order to save the marriage.

Sit down and give this some thought. Is your girlfriend CAPABLE of this? I know that you always thought that she was awesome - but now that this has happened and you look at her more objectively - does she have it in her?

If both of the above are yes, then my suggestion is that you stick around for a bit and see how it goes. Watch her actions. Demand accountability from her.

Reconciliation is a long and difficult process. It is not for the faint of heart. True reconciliation, where both parties go "all in" and really do the work is unusual, so think through your future.

Good luck!

Marie2792 posted 12/2/2019 11:05 AM

Tushnurse said it best. Don’t put a time limit on it. Forgiveness of more for you than for your wife. It’s for you to be at peace and accept whatever way this works out for your marriage. Make sure she is all in before you decide. It took me a year to forgive and another three to heal and start enjoying my life again. If you accelerate the process you will not be happy with where you end up.

tushnurse posted 12/2/2019 11:26 AM

Did your WH stay in the house after DD? I think that's leading to alot of my confusion on what to do.

Yes. I knew he was cheating for several month prior to getting proof. One thing I did right was seeing an attorney before I even had proof to get a feel for what D or S would look like for me.

Once I had proof I proposed R, or another chance primarily because I wanted to keep my family together, but also because I was horribly CoDependent. When I told him to get out, he never actually had to leave, because when he finally got it, he got it. He had a fall to the floor in a heap bawling with snot running down his face "ahha" moment. The change from that moment was palpable.

We together sent a final NC email to OW. Everytime she reached out to him from that point he told me.

WheresMyBlanket posted 12/2/2019 13:33 PM

Like what have already been said, it depends on what you can tolerate, how committed is your gf to make it work, and how disciplined will she be in following the boundaries to keep this from happening again. I have seen forgiveness work over and over to strengthen marriages. However, there was an extra factor, faith. There is something in submitting to a higher power than just the couple among themselves. There is a weekend marriage seminar that has helped a lot of marriages including mine. It is called A Weekend to Remember, which was a great experience for us that can go hand in hand with marriage counseling. Check it out when you are ready and see how R can work you.

sisoon posted 12/2/2019 14:28 PM

WRT forgiveness: what does it mean to you? What's your definition? What will be different if you forgive her?

WRT deciding to R or not: First, 6 weeks is a little early to decide.

Second, it's one thing to know what you want; it's another to decide what to do. I wanted to R from the start, but I observed my W for 90 days before committing to R - which I did because she did the work consistently, starting on d-day.

Third, you can decide 'to work on the M' for now - do the work of R without committing yourself. If your WS delivers on her promises, that's positive for R. If she doesn't, it's negative.

Fourth, it's not necessary to offer R. Remember that you have choices and some power here.

BTW, your uncertainty now is entirely normal and healthy, IMO.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:31 PM, December 2nd (Monday)]

Butforthegrace posted 12/2/2019 18:36 PM

There is a poster here, Waitedwaytoolong, whose WW did all the right stuff, true remorse, 100% effort into working on the marriage, etc. But after 5 years he realized he would never be able to look at her with beginner's eyes again, so he divorced her.

MaryannFaithful posted 12/3/2019 04:56 AM

I am 6 months out but only 2 months since I got the full timeline.

I gave it 3 months. Not really for him, but for me. I was so enraged and overwhelmed I had many times that I wanted to call it quits. I did not want to end my 20 year marriage in a fit of rage. I wanted to be able to really evaluate it with a sane mind. Once I got the timeline I reset the clock to another 3 months because finding out everything was a restart for me emotionally. If at the end of the three months I was still impulsively wanting to kick him out I would have given myself another 3 months. Waiting is more about my mental state than doing it so he can prove his dedication.

That being said while I was working on getting to a calmer place, I have been watching him to see if he is growing. That is all information for my calm evaluation.

I don't know what will work for you, but this seems to be working me. I hope you find what is best for you.