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WHs First IC Session Today

Skoochnski posted 12/4/2019 08:43 AM

WH is in his first IC session as I type this. Its a two hour session. I am waiting in the waiting room. I understand that its only the first session and its a get to know you atmosphere but I am so hopeful!
He made this appointment by himself as part of my list of demands. Hes been more forthcoming with answers to my questions; even patiently answering questions I have asked before just because I need to hear the answers again.
Hes made sure to give me access to all devices, let me know his whereabouts at all times and when hes leaving work. He drafted a NC video and a NC letter to AP even though he hasnt seen her since 2005.

He even put a picture of us as his background on his PC at work!

But what really touches me is how often he apologizes.

Its a litany of, Im so sorry Ive done this to you and us. If I could take it back I would. I dont deserve you but Ill gladly spend the rest of my life trying to be! I love you, (my name).

He also suggested that we melt his wedding ring down and have it fashioned into a new one since he was wearing it during his PA in 2005. He described it as a cleansing by fire and a Phoenix rising from the ashes.

I know many a WH have gone before him and failed. But his progress without IC has given me such hope for how much farther he can go with IC!

It might be the HB talking, but Im not ashamed to say Ive fallen in love with him all over again. Hes not the husband I married; hes even better! 🥰

However, as happy as I am, Im also a realist. I realize that there is a chance that this is all an act and that there could also be subsequent D Days.

What hallmarks of sincerity should I look for?

Also, how can I support him and his efforts to heal his issues? I realize a healthy WH means a healthy M. (Im in IC too and we will start MC in the new year with a MC who specializes in infidelity trauma.)

landclark posted 12/4/2019 09:21 AM

What hallmarks of sincerity should I look for?

I'm not expert, but I think you touched on a lot of what it looks like. No blameshifting, no shifty behavior, being engaged in the relationship again, etc. I think the biggest thing is seeing that this behavior is ongoing, and doesn't fade off after a couple of months.

Also, how can I support him and his efforts to heal his issues? I realize a healthy WH means a healthy M. (Im in IC too and we will start MC in the new year with a MC who specializes in infidelity trauma.)

I try to listen to my WH, and offer my feedback on what he's thinking/feeling. Support therapy needs. Other than that, I don't make any grand efforts other than continuing to be the best person I can be.

UneedToSmile posted 12/4/2019 19:13 PM

Wow Skooch, I am so happy for you! I wish Id have gotten half of that effort! I dont really have any advice, Im just so glad to hear that your WH is doing the work and trying to be the person you deserve. Best of luck!

elKAPPYtan posted 12/4/2019 19:57 PM

affair in 2005, did you just fine out?

Skoochnski posted 12/4/2019 20:12 PM

@elKAPPYtan- I *knew* in my heart that it was a PA and not just an EA like WH said. He finally told me it was a PA on November 12th.

We separated pending D in 2006 over his behavior with AP and I got with four different guys during that time. One was WHs roommate. So I feel like Ive punished him enough. WH didnt want to D and we got back together, moved and he got a new job. (He met AP at his job)

Im glad WHs heart and conscience are finally cleared of that cancer (AP) and we can concentrate on US.

Chicklette posted 12/5/2019 06:07 AM

Skoochnski I am so happy to hear how happy you are. My story is very similar in that respect. Our DDay was in March and the first couple of weeks WH was horrible and I couldn't see a way forward. But somehow his eyes were opened when he found that I was willing to forgive him and take him back. He has been consistently loving and contrite since then. At first I did think "this is great - how long can he keep this up?", but we're nearly 8 months into R and he hasn't stopped his good behaviour. He has put Life360 on both our phones so we can always see where the other is. He is transparent and has blocked all unnecessary women from his phone, FB etc. He now has a photo of us as his FB profile, which he never did before.

I also feel I've fallen in love with him again, and he says the same. We do so many things together now, which I love. He hugs me constantly. For years it was a real bugbear that he would hardly ever hug me, but now I get masses of hugs every day and all through the night.

In many ways I am happier than I have ever been in our marriage. If it wasn't for the triggers and memories that constantly assail me I would be truly happy. But I do have hope for the future.

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