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Husband of 30 Years Having EA with Co-worker

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Blindsided109 posted 12/4/2019 11:30 AM

My husband and I have been married 30 years this month and I recently found out he is involved in an EA with co-worker. We have 2 children in university and our family unit has always been close. Our marriage isn't perfect and over the years we have had our ups and downs, I would say mainly ups.

Around mid-October my husband began coming home from work later and when he did come home he was withdrawn from me, to the point it appeared he was angry with me. I asked him if he was angry and if I had done anything to anger him, he said no, he was under a lot of pressure at work and really tired. Over the next 4 weeks this behaviour continued and any intimacy both physical and emotional was non-existent.

On Nov. 15th, we attended his work Christmas party, he began introducing me to some new co-workers and one in particular seemed very dismissive of me. We ended up sitting at the same table as her (her husband was absent) and began noticing looks between them that put me on alert. Later I witnessed them in a private conversation away from everyone. I demanded to leave shortly thereafter and didn't discuss my suspicions with him. The kids were home for the weekend and didn't want to cause a scene.

On Monday Nov. 18th, after he came home from work, I asked him what was going on and why he was acting the way he was. He said he was really struggling with his feelings because he was unhappy in our marriage and had been for months. Said he loved me as the mother of his children but didn't know if he was in love with me any longer. He said he wanted to separate and I suggested counseling before throwing in the towel after 30 years of marriage. He said he would think after it but he was no longer sleeping in our room.

Over the next few days I continued to ask about counseling to which he said he hadn't had time to think about it. I asked straight out if he was involved with anyone else and he said there was no one else just very unhappy. He did think we should tell the kids that we were having problems and were sleeping in different rooms. Obviously, the kids were very upset as we were always a close family.

The next day he was very late coming home from karate, I was suspicious and looked at his phone only to find texts with COW planning a meeting at the office for that day (Saturday). She wondered if it was too risky.

I confronted him with my suspicions about COW and he said they were just friends who could talk to each other about their troubled marriages. I said instead of talking to her, he should have been talking to me so that we could go to counseling to try to work out our issues. He said there would be no counseling as he no longer loved me and wanted to proceed with legal separation.

About 5 days later, I found a secret email account he was using to communicate back and forth with her. I found emails of them declaring their love for one another, how awful it was to be trapped with their spouses and how they couldn't wait until they could be together forever as they are soulmates. They also discussed things they wanted to do to each other and couldn't wait until they could finally be together.

I was completely devastated after reading these declarations and scheduled an appointment with a therapist as I wasn't eating or sleeping. My first priority being the kids, wasn't sure how to deal with telling them we would be separating. They are starting finals next week and wanted to know how best to approach this.

Last night I finally confronted him about his EA with COW and asked him to come clean that it was more than friendship. I once again denied anything more than friendship, I told him I had copies of texts and emails and knew they were in love and planning a life together, he still denied it. He only admitted to it when I mentioned something very specific that she said she purchased for him. He was very upset that I had access to his email and wanted to know how I got it (he was too stupid to cover his tracks). I said I was tired of the lies and he said they developed feeling for each other over the last 3-4 months and want to be together. He said they haven't been sexually active yet, not until they were both free.

I just can't believe this is really happening to me. Maybe I was naive in thinking he would never cheat. This was always something we agreed we would never do, always said if we were unhappy we would leave the marriage before something developed with someone else.

I am feeling so much anger right now, not sure how to get past it. One of my daughters is coming home tonight and I want to make it as stress free as possible as she will be studying for exams, not sure how that will work when the tension in the house is incredible.

How do you get over this kind of betrayal? I know I need to deal with my anger as I will need to still co-parent with him and don't want to jeopardize my kids mental health as he is still their father.

MamaDragon posted 12/4/2019 12:25 PM

First, I'm sorry you are here.

First things first, you need to tell the other BS. He deserves to know what is going on. He might also have additional proof that you need.

Second, assume there is more to it - unfortunately there is usually more to it. I hope for you it hasn't.

Third, tell their boss. Yeah they will get in trouble but they are cheating at work - don't be afraid to tell everyone what is going on - they made the choice to cheat, they can live with the fallout.

Usually once exposed, affairs die down - cause affairs are like cockroaches - the light scares them off

Don't do the pick me dance. Put your bitch boots on and let him know you won't stand for being treated so disrespectfully. Read up on the 180 over in the healing library. It will help with detaching from him and sometimes it has added benefits.

He is not sure he wants to be married? Show him what he has to lose - don't do the wifey things for him. No laundry, no cooking, no loving touches...just be polite, don't engage him (this is part of the 180).

You didn't cause this, he did.
Others will come with better suggestions - I'm one of those vindictive type...others are more patient.

When my FWH was caught, I told the OBS within hours of finding out. I went scorched earth on them...(hence the dragon nick name). It worked for me. I do know that blowing up their affair - their fantasy world is the only way to reach through the fog (at least in my case!)


(hugs)

MamaDragon posted 12/4/2019 12:26 PM

Forgot the two most important things - go see a lawyer for an STD check just in case


and see a lawyer immediately (or three or four of them) so that you know what your options are - knowledge is power!

Buffer posted 12/4/2019 12:37 PM

Hey BD,
Mate he is in Lala land.
What he is leaving the mother of his children, and life partner of 30 years for a woman that he has never been intimate with?
Nah it is a PA. Get tested for STDs/STIs, he has been sexual with her. Or he is acting like a little school boy.
Exspose their EA to all to see, report them to HR as it is a workplace A.
Seek your own legal advice don’t rely on what he says.
Get in touch with her partner he has the right to know what his WW is up to.
You are stressed and rightly so. Start exercising, drinking heaps of water, talk out all problems with the family pet, they are great at listening and don’t give bad advice. Commence the 180 with him now. Try to help your children through this when you are ready, you will find they are very supportive in this.
Take one day at a time, you are a beautiful person. Take care of yourself.
Keep posting you will get lots of advice here from those who have been there and done that.

Good luck and hugs 🤗
Buffer

Buffer posted 12/4/2019 12:39 PM

What MamaDragon says, she scares me 😳!

MaggieNow1960 posted 12/4/2019 12:54 PM

So sorry that you need to join a group such as this but you will be so glad you did. There is a collective wisdom here as we all have been through the same thing youre going through now and in the future. It's so important that you know (and truly believe it) that you are the prize in your relationship. Your WH is flawed and so is the AP. Don't allow them to devalue you. Don't allow them to decide what the course of events will be. Know that you can get through this and let your confidence shine through! Take care of yourself and post often to get support and advice. We're all here for you.

The1stWife posted 12/4/2019 13:07 PM

Typical mid life crisis affair.

Unhappy for months in the marriage - usually it’s when the cheater meets the AP or OW that they are “unhappy”

ILYBNILWY- so typical (I love ❤️ you but not in love with you). I heard that too

Doesn’t want MC or to work on the marriage- just wants out. Yup yup yup lived that too.

Nothing happened yet - no physical contact. Not sure I believe this. Investigate further. Why are they scheduling meetups - just to talk? Declaring they’re true love and want to be together? But no physical contact - 🤔 hmmmmm

Read up on the 180. Don’t hesitate to start doing it. It will help you to protect yourself. And get a good counselor or therapist for you.

I survived this same exact situation. But he did not change and start to make amends and show remorse until i told him I was divorcing him and he was free to go. Suddenly he didn’t want to go and wanted the marriage. And he had to work very hard to convince me to even consider reconciliation. It took a long time for me to stop thinking about leaving him.

Beachwalker posted 12/4/2019 13:10 PM

Blindsided: I am so sorry you are put in this awful situation, but am glad you found us!

I, too, have been married 30 years, so I understand the attachment you and your husband share, then to be betrayed by the one who is supposed to have your back! You have been through a horrible shock! You take care of you. You will be and have been given some really good advice. Listen to these people, especially MamaDragon (because she really is scary) and Buffer (because she’s scared of MamaDragon and that’s smart!). Seriously, everyone here wants you to live a healthy, happy life. They will give you advice to help you avoid some of the pot holes they ran into. It’s good advice, so at least consider it. Take what you need and leave the rest.

It sounds to me your WH (Wayward Husband) has already checked out of your M (Marriage). It seems he wants to move on regardless of your desires or input. I must echo the advice of seeing a lawyer and getting checked for STD’s.

And be prepared: You are in for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life! Hang on – you will make it! You will be really mad one day, then crying the next. This is normal. This is your body’s way of processing the stress and grief thrown upon you. As you work through all this “stuff”, you will get better.

Post here often and keep up updated on what’s going on. The more you share, the more we can help you. Just remember that here, you are not alone!

nekonamida posted 12/4/2019 14:50 PM

He said they haven't been sexually active yet, not until they were both free.

Highly HIGHLY unlikely. I have been here for years and never once have I seen a WS willing to leave their BS for an A that had not yet gone physical. He's lying. He MIGHT be saving full penetration for after the D but it's not likely. What's likely is that they've been physical for at least as long as he stopped being physical with you and possibly longer.

Get an IC for yourself. Get a STD test. See a lawyer and do what's best for YOU and only you. If he doesn't file, you will because he's made it clear that he will not give OW up even if he drags his feet on filing. You will get through this. Take good care of yourself. You will thrive when this is all over.

annb posted 12/4/2019 16:45 PM

Hi, welcome to SI.

On my way out, but a couple of brief suggestions.

1. Inform the co-worker's husband about the affair. DO NOT tell your husband you are going to do this. Speak with him directly, provide evidence. He might suspect something already. He also has a right to know he is living a lie.

2. Take MamaDragon's advice. Do not do anything for your husband. Discussions about the kids and finances only.

3. There is probably more to the story than what he is telling you or what you've found through the emails. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

4. Contact several attorneys at least to find out your rights.

5. Don't keep your husband's dirty little secret. Expose him to family and friends.

Nolife posted 12/4/2019 18:29 PM

Lots of love sent your way! I agree with all the previous post my heart goes out to you and your children.

[This message edited by Nolife at 6:33 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

Blindsided109 posted 12/4/2019 21:36 PM

Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. Really helps to know I’m not alone.

I’m meeting with a lawyer on the 18th and a doctor on the 16th.

After work today, my husband asked me what I plan on doing with the texts and emails I have, seems they are very nervous about what I’m going to do with them. Thinking of contacting COW’s husband and giving copies. Feels good to have a little power in this awful situation.

Beachwalker posted 12/4/2019 22:17 PM

Thinking of contacting COW’s husband and giving copies.

Don't even think about it! Just DO IT!! Be Mrs. Nike!!!

ryno posted 12/4/2019 22:22 PM

Hi

The AP's husband should definitely be given a copy of the emails.

Have the emails been sent from the company address? If so, use of company resources and time to further the affair may be a HR issue.

It seems like you have your husband by the testicles. I believe a previous poster advised to put your bitch boots on; a good squeeze wouldn't go astray.

Buster123 posted 12/4/2019 22:29 PM

EXPOSE them with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) and with ALL family and close friends, get tested for STDs, yes lawyer up and have him served D papers at work, if shock and and awe don't get his head out of his ass then just let D run it course and get out of infidelity, life's too short and you deserve much better.

Wenda posted 12/5/2019 02:45 AM

Im sorry blindsided. Ive been there too :( Unfortunately your husband is caught up in his fantasy. Funny how they only realise they 'haven't been happy for years' when there's a shiny new toy to play with.

You should indeed get your bitch boots on. He is swanning around thinking he is calling all the shots here while he is still stuck in his little affair bubble. I'm with the other posters...you need to expose it. Expose him to his work and to your family and friends. Tell him to leave or leave yourself. Only when he sees the true reality of what divorce will look like will he realise what he has to lose. In my case there was no other betrayed spouse but I definitely think you should expose the other woman to her husband.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Cheaters suck

minusone posted 12/5/2019 05:56 AM

Do Not Tell Him What You Are Doing!!!! Let him sweat.

((((Blindsided))). Please make sure you use all the resources of this site and start to read. Go to the Healing Library (yellow box) and the Tactical Primer on the top of this forum.

Inform the other betrayed spouse (OBS).

Remember YOU did nothing to deserve this. It’s all on him. Seek council for yourself. Make sure that you put YOU first.

You deserve better. Never forget that!

Keep reading and Keep posting!

cannotforgive posted 12/5/2019 07:29 AM

Good call on meeting a lawyer and your doctor.

Next, meet up with her husband and give copies of the emails. Please copy the data and keep it safe where your husband can't find it.

As for exposing to HR, I would hold on this until you meet with your lawyer. You do not want him loosing his job if he has to pay you alimony in the future.

Read up on hard 180. Confide in friends, go out and have fun. Have your hair done, your nails, go for a massage.Ignore anything to do with him. Chuck his stuff in a spare room, do not cook, wash or clean for him. Only communicate about children and finances.

Find a good counselor for yourself to help you deal with the trauma of infidelity.

Since your children are adults, I would tell them that their father is a cheater.

Main thing is to look after yourself. It is traumatic, but you are strong, you will deal with this. (((Hugs)))

[This message edited by cannotforgive at 7:30 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

Blindsided109 posted 12/5/2019 09:10 AM

I'm conflicted about showing emails etc. to COW's husband. My husband says they are ahead of us and are in the process of getting a legal separation. Not sure if the emails I have will have an impact on their financial settlement as they too have been married over 20 years. I'm also thinking about her two sons(both adults) and how devastated they would be if their father showed them the evidence.

Also, if I exposed this to her husband it would certainly increase the tension and nastiness of our situation and impact our children. Right now they are my top priority and why I am still allowing him to live at home.

As for exposing them at work, she is head of HR so I would have to go to their boss. My concern is that he will be fired for inappropriate behaviour at work and this will impact my children and myself financially as he earns considerably more than I do and I will be dependent on spousal support.

I am very confused about how to proceed. My anger is telling me to expose them but, my logical side is saying to proceed cautiously.

annb posted 12/5/2019 09:47 AM

Keep in mind, cheaters are LIARS.

He's manipulating you.

My WH said something similar, the OW husband was abusive.

You and the other husband are faultless. Your husband and co-worker are the destroyers of the family here, don't feel one iota of guilt for exposing their affair. The husband has a right to know, it's HIS decision whether he tells his adult children. Please allow him to make the best decision for himself.

I don't recommend going to HR YET. Let this play out when exposed.

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