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Husband of 30 Years Having EA with Co-worker

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sassylee posted 12/5/2019 09:58 AM

Exposing to her betrayed husband is not only the moral thing to do but also usually the quickest way to end the affair. Please tell him.

Dismayed2012 posted 12/5/2019 10:28 AM

Your responsibility is to do what you would want the OBS to do for you. That is to let you know what's going on behind your back and to provide the evidence that you have. What the OBS does with the info is not your problem nor your concern. Give him the consideration that you would want. Allow him to decide his own future knowing all of the facts about what his WW is planning.

"This was always something we agreed we would never do, always said if we were unhappy we would leave the marriage before something developed with someone else."

I had the same conversation with my ex. After I figured out the timeline of her betrayal I realized I'd even stated this again during her affair and she agreed even then. Lied to my face, swore on the children's lives, and shed tears over and over again. All the while looking me straight in the eyes and lying. It's amazing what some people are capable of.

I wish the best for you.

ChamomileTea posted 12/5/2019 10:30 AM

I'm conflicted about showing emails etc. to COW's husband. My husband says they are ahead of us and are in the process of getting a legal separation. Not sure if the emails I have will have an impact on their financial settlement as they too have been married over 20 years. I'm also thinking about her two sons(both adults) and how devastated they would be if their father showed them the evidence.

Also, if I exposed this to her husband it would certainly increase the tension and nastiness of our situation and impact our children. Right now they are my top priority and why I am still allowing him to live at home.

As for exposing them at work, she is head of HR so I would have to go to their boss. My concern is that he will be fired for inappropriate behaviour at work and this will impact my children and myself financially as he earns considerably more than I do and I will be dependent on spousal support.

I am very confused about how to proceed. My anger is telling me to expose them but, my logical side is saying to proceed cautiously.

You don't have to provide copies of the emails. But if I were you, I would contact the OBS and give him a verbal accounting of what has transpired. It's possible that he already knows but I doubt it, given how nervous your WH appeared. It's the right thing to do. He's probably getting fleeced in his divorce and who knows whether the OW has been hiding assets as well as the truth. Further, these guys are right when they tell you that the best disinfectant for an affair is sunshine. Affairs are about fantasy. Once reality starts asserting itself, they're no longer quite so enthralling. Suddenly, there are consequences.

Similar to what The1stWife has descibed, I was married for more than 30 years on DDay. I came out of the box swinging for the fence on divorce. Within a week, my WH changed his tune. Suddenly, he could see all he was losing and the OW didn't look quite so appealing anymore.

As far as exposure at work is concerned, I agree with your instincts on that score. You don't know how things might turn out now and you might need your WH's income. Once you've exposed to the OBS though, your WH will be less certain of your cooperation. You are obviously a kind and thoughtful woman per your posts. Right now, your WH is counting on his knowledge of your personality and your disinclination to cause stress to others. He thinks you'll stand quietly to the side while he discards you after 30 years. Once you've informed the OBS, he will no longer rest easy believing he won't be exposed at work too. This shakes up the fantasy a bit further as he is forced to imagine what he might say to his boss and how his other coworkers might react. The fantasy is like a big balloon, and you're sticking pins in it at this point.

Your WH has had motive, means, and opportunity. I very much doubt that this affair hasn't gone physical. Men don't just walk out on their wives and families after 30 years for a chaste relationship. Don't allow him to buffalo you on that score.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and believe me, we all know what it's like to have to act tough when our insides have turned to jello. But if you don't make leaving hard, you'll be assisting him by making it easy. The more reality you introduce, the better your options.

((hugs))

ShutterHappy posted 12/5/2019 12:09 PM

my husband asked me what I plan on doing with the texts and emails I have, seems they are very nervous about what Iím going to do with them.

Notice how your husband doesnít care one bit about the damage heís doing to you and your children??? Unbelievable.

His only concern is about how his decisions will impact him and his GF. Itís all me me me me.

There are two ways out of infidelity: Reconciliation or Divorce. You canít R with an attitude like the above.

That leaves you with the D path. But to focus on what is best for you and your children, you need to detach. To detach, do the 180 (look it up in the healing library). Donít cook for him, donít do his laundry, donít talk to him. Just say: ďIím sorry but you have chosen to break our marriage and family. Thereís nothing else to talk about at this point, I would rather you communicate with my lawyer instead. And I would very much prefer that you would go live somewhere else insteadĒ.

He chose to not be your husband anymore, so donít be his wife!

And take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, talk to family members and friends. It is not your job to hide your future XWH shitty behavior.

And post oftens, we will support you

Edit: and if he gets aggressive, or you feel threatened in any way shape or form, call the police.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 12:11 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

Beachwalker posted 12/5/2019 13:24 PM

Blindsided: I was in the same emotional / logical twist you are currently experiencing about whether to tell the OBS or not. I felt compassion for the children, concern the marriage would be broken up, and all those other factors. I decided on a ďcompromiseĒ. At least, thatís what it was to me, and I want to suggest the same for you.

I contacted the OBS and simply informed her of the A. I offered any and all supporting evidence if she so desired. She asked for it right away, but I left that decision to her. If she chose not to believe me, then we were done. If she wanted the proof, I would send it (and I did). If she wanted to continue to correspond afterward, that was up to her. I simply informed her of the situation and let her tell me what she wanted from that point, if anything.

1Faith posted 12/5/2019 13:52 PM

Don't be an accomplice to their lies and deceit. This is NOT your secret to keep.

In keeping their "secret" or minimizing the truth, you are only shielding them from facing the consequences of their actions.

I realize you want to protect your children, but they are young adults. They deserve the truth. Yes, you will still have to co-parent, but you should not pretend everything is alright or that you just "drifted apart". You are sending a message that you are somehow a willing participant of the dissolution of the marriage.

And WHEN (not IF but WHEN) the truth comes out your children will be hurt that you weren't honest with them. They are old enough to decide their own feelings and what a relationship with you or their father looks like. You can't "control" the outcome forever.

If her BH knew about the affair, would you have wanted him to tell you? If so, then you should tell him. He deserves to know who he is married to.

Regarding how far along they are in their separation is not your concern. A) your cheating, conniving husband is most likely LYING about it - remember he has NO credibility at this point and B) the COW needs to be held accountable for her actions.

my husband asked me what I plan on doing with the texts and emails I have, seems they are very nervous about what Iím going to do with them.

Response: "Whatever I want to do with them. Not your concern. I owe you NOTHING."

Read, post, be kind to yourself. This is hell and we understand that it is anything but simple. But please remember to fight for yourself, don't allow yourself to be an option and know that you deserve honesty, truth and respect. If your WH won't provide it, give it to yourself.

Many hugs and prayers.

Blindsided109 posted 12/6/2019 10:58 AM

My husband and I have agreed to tell the kids we are separating on Dec. 20th, once the kids are finished their exams. Sucks to have to do this just before Christmas but it is too hard living the way we are. I noticed last night that we are communicating through our daughter and that's just not right. I can barely stand to be in the same room as him let alone speak to him when all I want to do is punch him in the face.

When we do tell the kids, he doesn't want them to know the real reason we are separating. Wants to say he is unhappy and doesn't want to be married to me anymore. The therapist I saw said that the kids don't need to know the details but I feel they should know there is more to this. I asked him how he thinks this will play out with the kids and the COW. He said after we are separated for awhile he will introduce them saying that their relationship developed after we separated. He knows it will be difficult at first but doesn't want me poisoning the kids against him. I think his actions will do that themselves.

He is going to tell his father and stepmother this weekend and I don't believe he will tell the truth, only that we are separating because he is unhappy. I will not keep his secret and lie to people if asked. Think it's time he mans up and takes responsibility for his actions. I am letting him know that I want him to tell his family the truth or I will show them the emails and texts proving the affair.

He wants me to make this easy for him but that is not going to happen. He's not making my life easy right now and I will not stand for him lying about the situation to family and friends.

ChamomileTea posted 12/6/2019 11:31 AM

When we do tell the kids, he doesn't want them to know the real reason we are separating. Wants to say he is unhappy and doesn't want to be married to me anymore. The therapist I saw said that the kids don't need to know the details but I feel they should know there is more to this. I asked him how he thinks this will play out with the kids and the COW. He said after we are separated for awhile he will introduce them saying that their relationship developed after we separated. He knows it will be difficult at first but doesn't want me poisoning the kids against him. I think his actions will do that themselves.

Certainly you didn't agree to that, right??? He's making you complicit in his lies. You would be lying to your own children. Your kids don't have to see the emails and they don't have to hear every detail, that's true. But they need ONE sane parent who they can always count on to give them the absolute truth and who will always be there for them. You can't let him poison your relationship with your children. Once you've started lying to them you don't get that trust back. Believe me, I know. My own mother would never tell the truth if a lie would do.

Your WH has pretty much told you his entire plan, and frankly it's the typical cheater plan where the affair couple fools everyone into believing that they only just got together after "drifting apart" from their spouses and separating. This is Image Management, and they do it because they don't want to deal with the social repercussions of the truth being known. It's the polar opposite of sticking pins in the affair bubble. Why would you agree to ANY of that? Do you think he's not serious and that he won't pull the trigger if you're understanding and kind? Because I assure you, he will. The "pick me" dance doesn't work. It only makes it easier for a determined cheater to leave.

After that conversation, he's shown you where his soft spots are. He's shown you what he's worried about. Blow his fantasy world up. Inform to the OBS. Tell you children the TRUTH. Tell your extended family and his extended family the TRUTH. It's not your truth which "poisons" people against him. It's his actions. If he wasn't behaving in a shameful way, he wouldn't have to concern himself with embarrassment. But it's that consequence, that shame, which can sometimes wake them up.

You have been victimized. But you are not required to remain that way. Be strong. You can do it. You're in a forum full of people who have been where you are, so believe me when I say, you're going to be okay, but you need to get tough right now, tougher than you feel.

((big hugs))


ETA: At this point, you might also give some serious consideration to contacting their HR department at work. This is a double-edged sword though, so consider it carefully. If you're keen on going through with divorce, it's better for the WS to keep their job. This can reduce spousal support payments if you're earning more, or keep them coming if you're earning less. But in cases where you want to save the marriage... the harder you make it for the WS to leave, the longer the option for R will remain on the table. On first blush, you might think the WS would never get over it and exposure would eliminate R as an option. But truly, for a WS who wants to come back, they do get over it and eventually see it as their BS "fighting" for the marriage.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 11:55 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

fareast posted 12/6/2019 12:08 PM

Yes, I agree with ChamomileTea, tell your children the truth. They can handle it. Do not keep his dirt6 little secrets fr9m them. They will resent YOU for it. If they get angry and hurt and scream at him. Itís called consequences. You have no obligation to protect his shitty choices. The same with family and friends. Be strong and firm. Good luck.

MamaDragon posted 12/6/2019 12:14 PM

Nope, telling the kids the truth is the correct way to handle it.

Trust me, they will find out either way but coming straight from the two of you is best.

I still say expose, expose, expose! tell their boss and her stbx. What have you got to lose? Nothing - but you will definitely put a halt to their fantasy!

annb posted 12/6/2019 14:47 PM

I agree. Tell your children the truth. You don't have to go into all the gory details, but they are old enough to know their father is destroying their stability.

Have you informed the other BS yet? It's paramount that you do this.

Your husband is still driving this bus, push him out of the driver's seat and take control. Don't allow him to call the shots and make himself look blameless.

IMO, you're being way too nice.

Shockedmom posted 12/6/2019 19:39 PM

Please donít lie to your children. They deserve better and so do you. He is responsible for the situation and doesnít get to hide behind you.

NoLongerAlive posted 12/6/2019 20:41 PM

I'm so sorry for everything you are going through; glad you found this site for support in the forums and information in the healing library. You are taking the right steps to consult a lawyer (or 2 or 3) and get tested for STD's. I was in the same position for my 30th anniversary, not quite what I had envisioned

I would wait to reveal the A to their employer, I share your concerns. And I can't believe the mOW is the head of HR! She will definitely lose her job since it is probably a direct violation of company policies she is supposed to be enforcing with employees!

Please tell your children the truth if your WH doesn't have the balls to do it himself. I told our grown sons because I knew they would sense something was really wrong, and I am not good at lying. Both of them thanked me for being honest with them, that they would have lost trust in me too if they found out later. Your WH's plan to lie to them later about the circumstances will fail. Why is he so afraid to tell them the truth? He doesn't want to feel the shame and guilt he should feel? Stay strong!

ryno posted 12/6/2019 22:16 PM

Hi Blindsided

Your husband certainly wants to re-write history to paint himself in a more favourable light.

First issue is to inform him that he needs to own his behaviour and the consequences that come with it. I would have no hesitation in exposing to all family and friends. Let his parents know the truth as well as your children.

I admire your strength in such a difficult situation and don't be surprised when this sordid affair is exposed, he tries to come back to you.


Jeaniegirl posted 12/6/2019 22:49 PM

She is head of HR??

Then go to the owner or board of directors. Out that bitch. That would be the second thing I would do after contacting OBS. And don't sugar coat to your sons. You have done NOTHING wrong -- it's all on HIM to deal with his mess.

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/7/2019 06:47 AM

How old are your kids?

I agree that you shouldn't lie to them. They also don't need all the details. "Your dad is leaving us because he has a girlfriend." That's probably not the best way to say it, but that's all I got right now. I wouldn't try to make it sounds nice by saying something like, "Your dad has fallen in love with someone else and decided he wants to be with her."

Idk. That's a tough one. I was told about my mother's cheating when I was 14. It was devastating for me. Don't lie to your children, but be very careful about what and how you tell them.

I agree with everyone else that you need to tell the OBS. Cheaters lie, so you can't believe your CH when he says they are already separating. Even if he thinks that's the truth because that's what the OW told him, she's a proven liar, too, so...

And, especially if they are in the process of getting divorced, the OBS should know in case it might help him in the D settlement. You never know.

Robert22205https posted 12/7/2019 07:52 AM

Is the OW (head of HR) senior to your husband? He does not need to be a direct report to her for her to be above him in the organization.

Their are attorneys that specialize in sexual harassment in the workplace.

The law is designed to protect the victim and holds the employer financially liable for the acts of the supervisor. Therefore, employers have zero tolerance for someone in a senior position 'dating' within the organization.

If the OW is his senior, then the law (speak with an attorney to confirm) views him as unable to say 'no' - and because of her perceived power in the organization he had to play along and pretend he was interested.

Even if you decide not to report them, the evidence of their affair is a useful tool for obtaining a settlement that protects you financially.

For example, you get the house (he pays the remaining mortgage), he pays for the kids education through graduate school, you get 60% of his retirement, you get 100% of current investments.

ShutterHappy posted 12/7/2019 09:31 AM

Itís not you job to hide the affair, and it doesnít really matter what your STBXH says or do.

For children, I find that here on SI, everyone says the same thing: ďthey deserve the truthĒ. So Iíll put my flame retardants suit and dare say something different: the decision to tell, or what to tell, should be based solely on what you believe will be best for them. You are the sane adult in the couple and you know your children, you know what is best for them.

I wish you strength, you will get through this!

Buster123 posted 12/7/2019 09:48 AM

Don't lie to your kids, simply tell them "we're separating because your dad now has a girlfriend and her name is POSOW", don't be an accomplice to hide their A, out them with everyone in the family and close friends, plus see an employment attorney immediately ! POSOW is the head of HR ! an attorney who specializes in sexual harassment cases will most likely have a field day with this and you could get a big settlement. You may wait until Dec 20th to tell the kids but contact an attorney today to get the ball rolling, don't tell them anything and hit them by surprise, also tell OBS TODAY.

Blindsided109 posted 12/7/2019 09:54 AM

My husband and the COW are both in management and they both hold equal power. Not sure if their company has a fraternization policy but Iím sure both would be fired if the affair came to light given that they are meeting after hours on work premises.

I questioned my husband about getting caught and being fired and he said he wouldnít get fired. He is living in a fantasy world.

Being that my children both 21 are in university and myself are financially dependent on him as he earns 3 times what I do, I am reluctant to out the affair to their boss. This is also why I am hesitant to notify the COWís husband as he may notify their boss.

Until I am able to meet with a lawyer on the 18th and know what I am entitled too I feel my hands are tied. I am very scared about financially being able to afford our home and continue paying for our childrenís education. My husband wants me to buy him out with regards to his ownership of our house. This would require me to get a mortgage of over $200k, not sure I want that kind of debt at 51 years old, Our current mortgage is due to be paid in full in 2 years and we were both looking forward to being debt free.

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