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Husband of 30 Years Having EA with Co-worker

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Shockedmom posted 12/7/2019 10:46 AM

Absolutely no consideration towards buying out his interest in the marital home. Knowing what is reasonable to expect after speaking with your attorney will help guide your next steps. Have you collected all financial data for your attorney?

Please consider telling the other spouse about the affair. Being in the dark or worse gaslighted is terrible.

Thumos posted 12/7/2019 11:01 AM

she is head of HR so I would have to go to their boss.

Others have said this but this means she has committed one of the most egregious violations of company policy possible.

Especially as head of HR she has signed documents pledging to the company she would NEVER do something like this.

Think about what you would do with this same situation if she was a man. In fact the exact situation is happening in another thread. A man, VP of HR, is having an affair with the BHís wife, who is an employee at the same company.

We are all urging the BH to expose this filth to the CEO.

You really should do the same. She is in an executive position and is abusing her power.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:02 AM, December 7th (Saturday)]

Thumos posted 12/7/2019 11:08 AM

You should definitely wait until you talk to your attorney. But Is there not an attorney you can see any earlier than 11 days from now?

I would also seek a consult with an employment law attorney so you can get a second opinion - as the divorce attorney will only be looking at this thru the lens of divorce proceedings.

While you state they are co-equals, the law itself might not see it that way and you yourself could be due a large settlement from the company because the company would be seen as liable for essentially allowing this woman to conduct ďtortious interferenceĒ in your financial stability.

Iím not a lawyer so I have no idea - you will only know if you ask.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:08 AM, December 7th (Saturday)]

ChamomileTea posted 12/7/2019 11:08 AM

My husband and the COW are both in management and they both hold equal power. Not sure if their company has a fraternization policy but Iím sure both would be fired if the affair came to light given that they are meeting after hours on work premises.

I questioned my husband about getting caught and being fired and he said he wouldnít get fired. He is living in a fantasy world.

Being that my children both 21 are in university and myself are financially dependent on him as he earns 3 times what I do, I am reluctant to out the affair to their boss. This is also why I am hesitant to notify the COWís husband as he may notify their boss.

Until I am able to meet with a lawyer on the 18th and know what I am entitled too I feel my hands are tied. I am very scared about financially being able to afford our home and continue paying for our childrenís education. My husband wants me to buy him out with regards to his ownership of our house. This would require me to get a mortgage of over $200k, not sure I want that kind of debt at 51 years old, Our current mortgage is due to be paid in full in 2 years and we were both looking forward to being debt free.

Well, everything is going to plan then... for the cheaters. You'll keep their secrets and they'll divorce their spouses without the dishonor of being publicly sanctioned as adulterers. They'll most likely have plenty of money to live on (even after alimony) with the combined incomes of their well-paying jobs. Your kids are 21, so no child support, and they won't even be able to avoid Toxic Dad and his bimbo, because he's got all the money and they are students living off ramen noodles. You begin to see that there's only one action you can take which unsettles their plans, don't you?

I know it's drastic and I know it's scary... but you've only got one play here and it's not without its risks. And that is to expose. Inform the OBS. Report them to their management at work. It's the only monkey wrench you've got left in the toolbox.

Thumos posted 12/7/2019 11:13 AM

As a BH I can tell you it is absolute hellish torture to be gaslighted by a WW. Please think about the hell the OBS must be in. If they are separating he has likely been told something like this is a trial separation so she can ďhave some space.Ē He is bewildered and in a state of shock ó and he doesnít even know why, because sheís been able to keep him in the dark. I beg of you: donít let this poor man twist in the wind.

And think about the fact that your husband is exactly the kind of cruel, hateful, selfish man who is just fine with breaking up another manís marriage. Thatís who your husband is. Now think about the fact that your husbandís AP is exactly the kind of woman who would vindictively target another womanís stable marriage (no marriage is ďperfectĒ by way ó marriages donít last 30 years without contentment, love and passion).

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:19 AM, December 7th (Saturday)]

Blindsided109 posted 12/7/2019 12:35 PM

I am frustrated that I have to wait so long to see a lawyer. When I was looking for a family law attorney, I called 6-8 different firms and was told this is a very busy time of year for family law and the waiting period was anywhere from 3-5 weeks for an appointment. I have had my appointment booked since November 25th. I have gathered all financial records and made copies for my appointment with the lawyer.

The tension in our house is so thick Iím not sure how much more of this I can take. The kids are home studying for exams and Iím trying to be civil but itís proving to be very difficult.

When we had a moment to talk this morning I mentioned he should speak to his dad and stepmother this weekend as they are suppose to join us for Christmas dinner and Iím sure I canít pretend to be a happy family in front of them. He said he is going to see them tomorrow and tell them what is going on. I told him to make sure he tells them the whole truth because I am not going to lie for him. My mom knows the truth and is very friendly with his parents and sheís not going to lie either. He said he will but, I donít think he has the balls to be truthful. I know his father will be very disappointed in him and Iím sure he knows that.

Freeme posted 12/7/2019 19:00 PM

Also, if I exposed this to her husband it would certainly increase the tension and nastiness of our situation and impact our children. Right now they are my top priority and why I am still allowing him to live at home.
I'd like to chime in as another person that says you need to tell the OBS. Really think about why you are not telling him. Think about what he is going through. He is probably being told a load of bull (like you were) about why she wants a divorce. He is probably tripping over himself trying to save the marriage or make his WW happy. Probably promising her more money, support... because he feels like a terrible husband that couldn't make his wife happy... not knowing it was because she is cheating. There is a reason they are trying to keep the affair a secrete and you are helping them do just that. Doesn't sound like it could cause more tension in your household but it might cause OW some pain.

Also, your kids are old enough to know the truth. They should know the real reason. Your WH is going to try to sell OW to them as a new step parent. He is going to make up reason why your marriage didn't work... your basically helping them keep the affair a secrete and make things easy on them.

I know you are dealing with alot just don't let yourself get bullied.

Hurtmyheart posted 12/8/2019 03:06 AM

Blindsided, really think about what others are telling you. Most who've offered you advice have been on this site for a very long time and know and understand the trama you are experiencing. Trust me, we know!

I can understand not wanting to go to your WH work to out them but please consider the other suggestions of telling the other BS and telling your kid's the truth. They deserve to know and also they aren't babies anymore. They are young adults and I'm sure that they have an understanding of what infidelity means and probably have or had friends who are going through the exact same thing.

You poor soul. We truly feel so sorry that you are going through this with the very same person who was supposed to have had your back for life! It's devastating, we really do understand!

I also feel you are being too nice toward your WH. He is not the same person you knew not too long ago. Today, he pretty much has become your enemy. This man is no longer the person you married. He is now a stranger to you but wants you to go along with telling lies to those you love the most, your children and family.

I'm going to tell you that my own personal experience with my WH unfaithful behavior was an eye opener. And the quicker I was able to stand up for myself and tell my WH how things were going to be, the stronger I became and I developed confidence standing up for myself. I REFUSED to keep any of my WH dirty little secrets and in fact anytime something happened, I blurted it out to the therapist and my kid's. I refused to protect my WH horrible behavior in any way. No way!

One last thought, I hope you aren't sleeping in the same bed as your WH. If so, he needs to be kicked out of there. Also, please don't do anything for him, such as cooking him dinner, doing laundry, errands and anything else you might think of that he now can do on his own as a single man. You don't have to be mean about it, just kind of shrug it off and tell him he needs to take care of his own business now that he fired you as his wife.

I somehow get the feeling that your WH is manipulative and will play you to help him to keep things smooth as he transitions his life out of your home and into the OW home. Be careful, he is not your friend anymore. You need to keep this in mind on a daily basis now.

Wishing you the best, Blindsided. We are all here rooting for you. Hope you can join our side soon and see how special and worthy you are. You are worth fighting for. Now do it.

betrayedgator posted 12/8/2019 05:28 AM

Hi Blindsided, you have been given some great advice. I just wanted to chime in as someone who found out my father was having an affair when I was 17. My mother told me and I was do thankful she did. She was honest and just said he was leaving because he had fallen in love with someone else. It was extremely painful, but I was able to grieve with her. And ultimately to be there for her and support her.

I was enraged. I wanted to know the persons name and how long it had been ongoing. I let my dad know how disappointed I was and how selfish he was for breaking up our family. I also told him that in no uncertain terms that I was not ever going to be around the other women and that if he chose to have a life with her I would not ever come to their home or be a part of their life together. It was this conversation, along the ones he had with my brothers, and other members of our family that really changed the way he viewed the affair. He realized their relationship with poison and wasnít ever going to work. But this was only after he experienced being confronted with the pain he caused.

A couple of weeks after my mom told me, the other betrayed spouseís children contacted me to let me know what had happened. Not to be malicious, but to make sure I had been told and give me their perspective. If you donít tell your children, they will find out from someone else. Then they will experience the pain of being betrayed by both of you. Please donít let that happen.

Also, I would not have him tell his parents alone. You are also part of their family if you have been married for 30 years. They deserve to hear it from both of you. He needs to tell them why while you are present listening. Itís ok to cry in front of them and tell them you wanted to go to counseling. Again, he should experience the fallout of his actions to fully comprehend them.

BigBlueEyes posted 12/8/2019 07:07 AM

I just wanted to chime in with my .01p,
I kept secrets from my kids about their father for years ďto protect themĒ I can honestly say thatís 1 of my biggest mistakes, eventually after a number of very serious events I had to sit them all down with trusted friends to tell them Ďtruthsí they knew nothing about.
Lots of disbelief, anger...omg so much anger for me & XH, then many tears, worry...worry for me worry for them & all our futures, eventually as they got these emotions out we talked, then talked some more, I am very grateful my kids have shown me such love & support in moving forward in our lives, without that I wouldnít be where I am today. My XH isnít a role model for any of our kids, heís being kept to very firm boundaries if he wants anything to do with all of them.

They deserve to know the truth, they deserve to know what type of man he is.
Relationships between mum/dad & their children is based on love, respect & honesty.
Itís better they find out now rather than later by either someone else or even worse putting 2 & 2 together.

You deserve love & support through this not your CH,
he doesnít deserve anyoneís pity, help or understanding for creating this rollercoaster you had no choice to ride.

Hugs and strength Bs109.

Dragonfly123 posted 12/8/2019 08:55 AM

Blindsided, reading your posts with tears in my eyes.

He is being unimaginably cruel.

IMHO three things stand out

Firstly, do not let him get away with rewriting your history. He was not unhappy in his marriage he chose to have an affair with another woman and betray his family. DO NOT under any circumstances lie to your children. Age appropriate honesty is key to healthy relationships and at their age thatís the whole seedy fucked up mess heís in. Make it clear you will not lie to them.

Secondly, tell the OBS, do not be complicit in their secrets. He has an absolute right to the truth.

Thirdly, lovely, itís time to lace up those bitch boots. He does not get to treat the mother of his children, his wife, like this anymore. You find your inner warrior and kick his fucked up fairy land to the kerb!

Iím sick to death of reading stories like yours. Nasty entitled selfish men fucking over the mothers of their children!

Please start to fight back. Huge hugs!
You matter! Youíre worth so much more than this jerk!

Trustedtoomuch posted 12/8/2019 09:28 AM

Similar experience happened with my husband of 31 years and his co-worker. I just found out about 3 weeks ago. In our case he of course denied it when I first found the correspondences, and over the course of several days he came clean. This had been something that was going on for about 18 months (the sex) but imo they had been having an emotional affair for long before that. She adamantly denied it to me as wellóbut my husband, who was in a high level position at a large company, confessed to his boss. During the investigation she admitted it as well (from what I understand) and asked how she could save his job. Bottom lineówe were on track for early retirement in 3 years, but now my husband is unemployed and that b@#ch got ďprobationĒ. Iím so sorry you are also going through this, but donít believe your husbandís lies...and only by telling the whole truth can both of you ever trust again.

Jeaniegirl posted 12/8/2019 10:23 AM

One more thing, let him know you intend to stay in the family home and be debt-free in two years. HE can pay that mortgage off! No splitting equity with him or buying him out. He only wants a cash nest egg to make a good start with OW. Just say NO.

cancuncrushed posted 12/9/2019 08:36 AM

36 years here. This roller coaster goes up and down. If he does a 180. A breakup. Do not take his word. So much damage. So much work needed. You are not a switch to be flipped on and off.

I want to address the older children. My daughter and I were very close. Her entire life. She is a bit nosey. And protective of me. I made the decision not to involve either child. My son was in high school. I sadly couldnít or didnít keep that decision. My son listened. Spied. Got involved. He was hurt. Iím afraid for life. He thought we were a perfect family. As did everyone. But me

My daughter became angry and tried to control the situation to an extent It has hurt her relationship with both parents. Our marriage became so so ugly and cruel with affairs and addiction. Lies and violence. I controlled nothing. I prevented nothing. As hard as I tried.

Please keep your kids out of it. Older kids are still affected. University is full of alcohol and using alcohol as a crutch. I canít say how to do it. Make it a priority.

I have a sad depressed broken family. All due to Wh choices in midlife. In life in general. I work on those nasty feelings.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:39 AM, December 9th (Monday)]

BeingheldbyJesus posted 12/14/2019 08:25 AM

I was 13 and my sister was 11 when my dad left our mother for the OW. I am so thankful my mom told us. I would not have been able to trust her if I had found out another way. My mom told us her name and everything so we knew when he tried to introduce us to her. Other family members lied and said my mother was lying.
When he tried introducing us three months after my parents divorced, I told him we werenít going then ran into the house and told my mom. He left and called me and said that if we didnít meet her he would not see us. He married her about three months after that. Eventually we had to accept her. He was married to her for almost ten years then he died in a private plane crash. We had to take her to court over a false will.
I told our three children who were 13, 17, and 21 at the time. We are very close and I didnít want to lie to them. You are lying to them. How do you ferl when you find out someone lies to you? They are going to feel that way about you. They will also feel you have treated them like children.... Your kids can handle it. They are adults.
However, I think you should tell them now. Finals should be over. Give them more time to process before the holidays. Blow up the A and see what happens. You might be surprised. Tell the OBS. Quit protecting your lying POSWH! Out the OW to her husband and maybe friends and family. Burst that fantasy!
I did and my WH dropped the OW that day. I told him it was her or me. He hesitated but then saw I was serious and fired her like I demanded.
Your WH may not stay but by keeping his secrets he is certainly not staying.

jb3199 posted 12/14/2019 09:33 AM

Blindsided, how are you holding up?

CoderMom posted 12/31/2019 21:59 PM

Betrayal is a very difficult thing to address and heal from. Have you tried individual counseling, at least for yourself so you can heal from the betrayal?

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