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Telling the kids?

LilacLiquid posted 12/6/2019 12:03 PM

I just need to get some opinions from people who have been there. We are 6 months out from D-day. We are working hard in IC and MC on reconciliation. We have 3 children, 20, 17 and 15. Right after D-day we sat them down and my husband told them we working on some problems that stemmed from him not respecting mom. We had agreed that they didn't need to know details, but I was a mess and they knew something was up. About a month later the 17 year old asked me point blank if her dad had cheated on me. I couldn't lie to her. She had a boyfriend who had gone through something similar with his parents and that's where she got the idea. She was devastated, we sat down and talked to her, told her other family members who knew that she could talk to and asked if she wanted to see a counselor about it. She said no and pretty quickly went back to being her old self with my WH. She asked us not to tell the 15 year old, as she was certain she would not be able to handle it. I thought my WH was going to tell the 20 year old, but hasn't. That brings us to my current issue. Everyone was home and we were decorating the tree, the oldest noticed that an ornament special to my WH from his childhood was missing. I immediately knew that he had sent it to AP. He shut down, went outside and I was left with kids thinking that dad was super upset because a piece of his childhood was gone, all while I was about to lose it because here came another piece of the puzzle of their relationship. My WH has brought up in MC that maybe we need to tell all the kids so they can help support me. I just don't know what the best thing to do is.

Me - BS (44)
Him - WS (44)
3 year LTA 2016 -June 5th 2017

MamaDragon posted 12/6/2019 12:26 PM

I don't know your story but WHY did he send it to the AP???

sorry, you are here though.

I am a strong supporter of telling the kids the truth - they have a way of finding out. THey know something is up - and honestly, it is always good for kids to see that parents are not infallible and that when parents do fail or make mistakes that they pick themselves up and try to rectify the mistakes. Everyone is human -

You don't have to go into specific acts but just give a quick Dad had a girlfriend, that wasn't ok with Mom and now we are trying to rebuild our marriage but no matter what, we love you.

LilacLiquid posted 12/6/2019 12:31 PM

He had sent it to her 2 years ago, but this was the first year anyone noticed it was gone. It's an example of situations where the kids think I'm crazy because something very trivial has me upset. If they knew what I was going through, they might better understand my reaction to certain things. But I don't know how that weighs against possibly destroying their relationship with their dad.

staystrong101 posted 12/6/2019 12:35 PM

Lilac, Iím so sorry youíre here. The pain your WH has caused your children is just another sad consequence of the selfishness of infidelity. Our kids were very similar in ages to yours on DDay. DD17 actually caught them so we had to tell them the truth. I urge you not to lie to your kids. Tell them the facts - dad has been unfaithful and has had a relationship with another woman. No need to give details or get into badmouthing WH or OW. At their ages, they prob can figure it out anyway. They will feel betrayed again if you lie to them, and wonít have anyone to trust. My kids have told me they appreciate that we didnít lie to them. And it wouldíve been so much worse if we had swept it under the rug. Iím sorry your WH chose to hurt his wife and children in this way.

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/6/2019 12:51 PM

I have talked extensively to my adult son about my fch's cheating. It is his home I ran to in the middle of the night after my fch finally confessed to having sex with the MOW. I collapsed in my son's arms. He held me up. ❤

We have not talked to our younger children about it. They were 3, 7, and 10 when the shit hit the fan. Too young. They are 15, 12, and 8 now. If one of them asked, I would tell the truth.

I will caution you about volunteering info if no one is asking. My parents divorced when I was 4 because my mother cheated. She got pregnant by the OM. My younger sister is not my father's child. I didn't know any of this until my stepmother decided to tell me when I was 14. I went into a tailspin, became very depressed, and, ultimately, attempted suicide.

I was already in a fragile mental state. I never should've been told the way I was when I was.

fournlau posted 12/6/2019 13:13 PM

Lilac

Our situation was very similar. Dday was in October. Thanksgiving, with all the kids and one grandchild sitting around the table, WH goes on and on about how thankful he is for his wife being the heart of the family for the past year and I'm trying not to throw my turkey leg at him. I felt like I was forced to keep his secret.

In December, my third daughter and I went to visit my second oldest daughter in another state, and again, I had to keep a happy face on while they, along with my grand daughter, were delighting in the Holiday and talking lovingly about their father.

The day after I got back from that trip WH informed me that he had spoken to OW (we had agreed we would do it together when I came back, she got pregnant so we couldn't NC). I was livid and he didn't understand why I was reacting that way. Both daughters drove back to our home, along with my grand daughter, and on my way home from work the next day, WH sent me a picture of my grand daughter to announce they had arrived.

That is the first time I had a complete and total meltdown. I had a full blown panic attack. I had never felt anything like that in my entire life. I couldn't breath, my chest hurt and I just knew there was no way I could go home and face my children and act like there was nothing wrong any longer! I had to pull over because of the attack, but also because I didn't want to go home. This was something else he took away from me, the love of being around my children and grandchildren! It was too much.

I called him and he came out to get me. We talked for a long while and he finally understood how distressing him still talking to OW so easily, without me there, it was for me, plus the fact that I had to continue to lie to my children. Of course they knew something was wrong.

Once I calmed down, he told me to make my way home slowly, stop at a store, or get gas, anything to give him time to sit the kids down and tell them. He didn't want me there because he said that this was his failure and his alone and he needed to face them on his own.

When I arrived home, they were all outside waiting for me to give me hugs. I've always had a very close relationship with my kids and have always tried to be as open and honest as I could be. At the time WH disclosed the information to them they were 27, 26, 21, 15, and 14. The youngest two are my sons, the oldest three my daughters, two of whom are married and have a child of their own.

The relief was tremendous! I no longer had to carry his secret with me into the house every day. I dreaded coming home because I knew I would have to act like everything was normal while I was dying inside. They told me later that this was not even on the list of things they thought it could be. They thought it was a health related issue that we didn't want to discuss with them. I had a scare in 2016 that almost killed me (infection on my ovaries) and they were afraid it had come back.

I took strength from them but honestly, it was just the relief of not having to carry that burden around anymore the helped the most.

This was longer than intended but take what you will from it. For me it needed to happen, it was causing me physical harm and while the kids have a new view of their father, it doesn't negate the fact that he is a good one and always has been to them. WH has told me that telling me and then telling the kids were two of the most difficult things he's ever had to do, that he could see their disappointment and loss of respect in their eyes.

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