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Millgirl posted 12/6/2019 17:11 PM

I feel like so many BS's have more details than I do. Not that my WS wouldn't answer my questions if I asked them(although I probably wouldn't believe him) but I just haven't asked for the details I guess. Maybe that is what has me feeling so in limbo. Maybe I haven't asked enough questions. Maybe I just don't need to know as much as other people. When I read here I always leave wondering how/why so many other BS's know so much more about the affair. I know mostly when, how often and how. Maybe I need to know more. Maybe I would regret knowing more. I think I started this knowing he has been pretty awful and always had poor boundaries and multiple close calls and I should have saw it coming. I know that I have had multiple Ddays, 3 of which were with most recent AP, that he had been in an EA with this one since 2014, PA since 2016 and it's all so absurd that initially that was all I needed to know. Maybe I need to know more now. Is it too late to need to know more?

justabrokendream posted 12/6/2019 17:18 PM

If you had more details, do you think it would make you feel better? It sounds like he's a serial cheater, not sure I'd believe him anyways. It doesn't sound like he has had consequences for his horrid behavior. I'm sorry for your pain, hopefully someday you can find the strength to use your power.

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/6/2019 18:23 PM

It's never too late for whatever you need.

Some people need all the details. Some people only need to know that a betrayal occurred. How much you need to know is very personal. You have to remember that you can't unknown it.

There's one thing I don't know that I don't want to know. I don't think I could forgive it. My fch admitted that he talked badly about me to the MOW. He didn't what, specifically, he said. I didn't ask. I don't want to know.

AbandonedGuy posted 12/6/2019 18:23 PM

You're in R, so this probably doesn't apply. My wife left me. At first, I wanted to know every grimy detail. I wanted to drag her to court and subpoena every single record I could. I wanted her snapchat history. I wanted it all laid bare for the world to see. She wasn't telling me shit, and truthfully, I really wasn't asking. Both because deep down I didn't want to know, and also because she would've just lied anyway. But now, I'm glad I don't know the details. It would've just been more bullshit to keep me up at night in those early months.

But if I were to R? Yeah, I'd want to know what kind of monster I was laying my head down next to at night. I'd want to know as much information as possible so that I could make the right decision. But if you're dealing with a serial cheater, it sounds like you know *plenty* to understand what kind of person you're dealing with here.

nekonamida posted 12/6/2019 18:39 PM

I'm going to be a little blunt but - multiple DDays, multiple EAs, poor boundaries, over 15 FREAKING YEARS? Why wouldn't you be in limbo? Is part of why you don't want the details is because you might catch him in another lie and it leads to a new DDay? Do you feel anxious or scared bringing it up?

What is he doing NOW to become a safe partner? Does he still have bad boundaries and spend too much time female coworkers? Do you have full transparency and are you SURE he is not still contacting PA OW or any other OW?

imgonnabeok posted 12/6/2019 18:43 PM

I started out wanting to know EVERYTHING. That's just the type of person I am. I'll watch 32 YouTube videos and read 50 articles before doing even the smallest thing. I'm very analytical. I crave information. On DD and for a cpl weeks after I went threw her phone top to bottom. Got google location history and regular Google history. Seen every time they were together basically. They had the same routine so it was easy to spot. So know I have all these dates and places in my head. Every piece of information you get is a potential trigger just remember that. Idk if we are going to R or not but that's what we are working towards but now I feel like if you have enough information to justify you walking away with a clear conscious its probably ok to leave it at that. Again to each his/her own. But really do you need to know they fucked 5 times or 50 times? I guess if your cut off for being able to forgive is 10 times then you might want to know.

Millgirl posted 12/6/2019 20:10 PM

Justabrokendream-serial cheater is definitely a possibility that I have considered. Consequences have been IHS, new job, traded in his beloved car, STD testing, tracking on his phone to name a few.

AbandonedGuy-I wouldn't call it in R. And I agree that he would probably just lie anyway which is probably partly why I don't bother asking. Maybe not knowing the details is what is keeping me in limbo though...great thought!

Nekonamida-honestly I am so detached that catching him in another lie or having another Dday I don't think would upset me very much if at all. As far as I know he no longer has poor boundaries or is in contact with any other women. He does allow me full access to his phone and his location but I just don't feel the desire to police him and know full well that if he wanted to find a way, he would.

Imgonnbeok-I hear you! I am pretty sure that I have watched all of the videos and read all of the articles and books in existence! Haha. I'm not really worrying about how many times because at least weekly for almost 2 years is more than enough! I am more referring to the BS's that know what was said about them, what food they ate, what music and movies they enjoyed, gifts exchanged...all of the other details.