SurvivingInfidelity.com® > General

AbandonedGuy posted 12/6/2019 18:35 PM

This goes out to anyone who's R'd, rebounded, or played the wait-and-see game until someone special came along.

What did you do differently with your next relationship? If you R'd, what did you do differently to improve the marriage? What did you learn about yourself from this whole thing? What did you seek to improve, and how did you do it? Did you become a more attentive listener? Did you schedule "date nights"? Did you work to attain a "fairer" balance of house work or child rearing? What makes the you now better than the you before?

I'm not interested in how you chose better partners or set better boundaries or any of that. When you were finally able to look in the mirror and assess yourself in a reasonable way, what did you see and how did you work to fix your perceived shortcomings as a relationship partner?

BetterTimesAhead posted 12/6/2019 18:45 PM

Well, I am still in limbo so not sure my ramblings will mean much but I am working on myself and learning a lot about myself.

I have learned to speak up. I used to basically shut down instead of disagree for fear it would upset WH or cause a huge argument. I now realize that not speaking my mind has different although still negative effects. Just part of working on communication, which also includes "I" statements. No more accusing WH by saying "you always" or "you did" or the like. I use I statements and they involve how something makes me feel such as "I do not feel like a priority when you chose to sit on the couch instead of help me with the dishes". You get the idea.

I've also learned it's okay to say no. Sounds silly but I've always felt that you say yes to your spouse when they ask you to do something because you should - they are your spouse. But it turns out that was just another way of not rocking the boat, of being concerned it would start an argument if I said no. I've learned I (as does WH) have the right to say no and I do not have to accommodate every request he makes of me. Just another way of being authentic and communicating honestly while being true to myself.

I am still a work in progress and no matter what happens with my limbo, I want to be a better partner and better person in the future.

Striver posted 12/6/2019 20:37 PM

Focus more on sex and connection thereof.

Realize that it can end at any time without my control.

Also, I have kids and won't have any more. I do not want to do blended family. I do want companionship in my life going on.

Chicklette posted 12/7/2019 04:49 AM

Hard to put into words for me. I have learned to speak up. If I’m not happy about anything in our relationship I say so now. Before I never wanted to rock the boat - and look where that got me.

Emotionally I am so much more open with him. You’d think after 27 years I’d have been so before, but I’m more emotional than him and learned to hide my feelings. Not any more. Good and bad it all comes out. And because he has shocked himself with his previous behaviour he is also more open. He is kinder than he has ever been before to me. For the first time in years I feel I come first in his life.

We’re 8 months into R so we still have a long way to go, but I feel we’re setting good foundations for our future. Even though I’m still scared a lot of the time.

I was married previously and that ended with infidelity- he left me for his slut. So I had decided that if WH didn’t R I would choose to stay single and never let myself get into that situation again. Just focus on me and my family.