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Advice about kids and ex

Soconfusing posted 12/9/2019 06:58 AM

Hi All, haven’t been around much, but hope you’re all doing well.
I could use a little advice and thought maybe y’all have been through something similar.
To catch you up, I am divorced as of recently, and as far as the custody goes he gets the kids one night a week. Up until two months ago he had only taken them 8 nights in the last year. This was totally fine with me because I don’t feel that he is a good influence on them and he is a selfish person and I’m worried they’ll get hurt more. That whole momma bear thing I guess.
Now, he is living with a new girlfriend and things have changed drastically.
First, he wants them over a lot, asking for extra time, and is basically a “Disneyland dad”. They go over and it’s all fantastically fun stuff and they have a blast, zero parenting happening and then come home to be kind of off. Because here they are required to go to bed before 3 am, they have to help out, they basically are living real life here and going on vacation there. They adore his girlfriend, and think she’s amazing.
Now, our separation agreement states he has to have the kids in an “appropriate location” and when he first moved in with her I told him no sleepovers and he agreed.

But then .... he told the kids they were going camping and took them to his apartment instead and didn’t tell me until that night when they were already there and settled. I didn’t feel like I could demand he unsettle them and bring them home, because that would have really upset the kids. I talked to them and they were comfortable and okay. I was blindsided.

Things seemed to go well and so I let them go back the following week, and when I picked them up I found out that the girlfriends mom lives with them too. Which I don’t know how I feel about, but basically I don’t appreciate finding things out after the fact.

So this weekend they went and it’s a small two bedroom apt. (He told the kids he’s moving into a huge house next month) but for now the mother has one room and him and gf share the other. The sleeping arrangements were that my daughter slept in bed with him and gf. .........Um........what?!?!

WHAT?!?!?!

My daughter thought it was fun, but I am so uncomfortable with that. I mean, who does that?! In what world is that appropriate?!!?

So help me here. Am I being an overprotective mom that needs to accept that I can’t control things? Or do I need to totally flip? Because I’m really upset but I have made a point to never engage with him when upset but to sit back and cool off and make sure I can win every argument sent my way.

HellFire posted 12/9/2019 07:17 AM

It's extremely inappropriate. Contact your attorney.

How old are your kids?

My first thought... pedophiles are women as well. Would you object to your daughter sleeping in bed with a man she barely knew, and a man you didn't know at all? Of course. Just because this is a woman, doesn't mean she is safe.

I would raise Hell.

Even if she isn't a pedophile, and she may very well not be, your ex is showing zero boundaries, and extremely inappropriate behavior.

Shut this shit down.

MamaDragon posted 12/9/2019 11:08 AM

no!!! Contact your attorney and CPS.

That is a huge NO!


I would inform him that until such time that the children have rooms of their own (each same sex child can share) they will not be spending the night because your kids are not sleeping with anyone - especially his GF!

Soconfusing posted 12/9/2019 11:16 AM

HellFire, absolutely. I would never think it appropriate to have her in bed with my bf and I, this is no different.

I have four kids, three older boys and She is four. Like I said, she thought it was super fun, but she also would think eating candy for all three meals is fun.....it’s our job as parents to show them what is okay and what isn’t.

Recently he just had my daughter, and wanted just her to stay An extra night with him. When I said no, he apparently threw me under the bus to her and she came home yelling at me and crying about how I wouldn’t let her stay. So it’s a tricky situation because he’s obviously willing to upset them.

I have a call in to the lawyer, I’ll see what she has to say.

The1stWife posted 12/9/2019 16:29 PM

Hmmmmm his reaction seems a bit over the top for getting a “no” to staying “one extra night” IMO.

Has he always s been this way?

Bleu posted 12/9/2019 19:55 PM

I am hoping your ex has not already taken parenting classes so he can be ordered to go and learn how to parent.

(Note to self: Take own advice and ask for parenting classes for asshat.)

I'm so sorry. The anxiety is already so high since they are with him and the, uh, woman. I experienced it this weekend. That alone is bad enough. It felt unbearable when he also violated the custody agreement.

nekonamida posted 12/10/2019 16:38 PM

This is very concerning. I hope your lawyer helps you navigate what is best for your kids.

Where do your boys sleep? In the livingroom? That doesn't sound very comfortable either.

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