You know, I think of this being more of a female trait, though I have come across a male here or there who do this.
I did this for years. I really had to work cognizantly to stop. The reason that I think that it's more of a female trait is because it's kind of a gender programming thing that has been passed down from generation to generation. As little girls we are taught to be "pleasing" and "accommodating", kind of as part of our training towards being seen as having good manners. And, some people take that and learn to be kind AND hold their boundaries. Others, learn to be kind and hold other's feelings often above their own. So, it's a good symptom to look at for growth, you just have to decide if you fall on the healthy or unhealthy side.
Being conflict avoidant and pleasing, putting other's feelings above mine really has worked against me in my life more than it's worked for me. Learning to state my desires, say no, and have good boundaries does actually surround a lot of my work as a wayward. But, I do think that it goes beyond being wayward - it's about being healthy. As it's been stated all over the place, a lot of people have self-esteem/self confidence issues. I think it's a symptom of really not taking responsibility for our own happiness, not seeing our happiness as important as others - and that eats away at our self worth.
I still will apologize if I bump into someone at the grocery store. Being friendly and courteous, that is something I want to be. I still will consider other people's feelings, but I will hold mine as important as well and allow others the opportunity to consider mine, when it's appropriate.
Do you feel this is a symptom for you that speaks to some things that are less healthy and you would like to change? Certainly the one that I would look at the most:
Even when he says he is sorry, my initial response is "It's ok." when no, it's really not, and I am minimizing my feelings by saying it's ok.
What could you say instead that would be more empowering? Thank you for noticing that was painful to me? I don't know the answer because on this I am on the opposite side of the fence.
When I apologize to H for things from my affair, sometimes he will say "Yeah that really was shitty", and sometimes he won't say anything at all. And, I think he is just fine with that. I have learned that I don't need to be validated with the response because I said I was sorry for that thing because I am, not because I expect forgiveness around every turn. You are saying "it's okay" to make him comfortable - and I am not sure if it even really does that. So, you could be sequestering something for no reason other than your own expectations you set for yourself? I suggest that only because those expectations I had on myself eventually smothered me to an extent that I was numb, and I couldn't see that they belonged only to me.
Good for you at being introspective enough to recognize this might be a symptom of something bigger to work on for you. I so wish I would have examined a lot of those things a long, long time ago.
[This message edited by hikingout at 8:39 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]