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When Posters post #teaminsertusername here:

jadedangel posted 12/13/2019 03:39 AM

On more than one occasion, I have noticed when posters responding to threads that belong to partners, some will post #teaminsertusername here.

Why? What purpose does it serve? Are we not here to help/support each other?

I understand the need to call out BS. 2x4's serve a purpose but #teamwhoever, what purpose does it really serve?

Is it against a guideline?

It just seems like a unnecessary remark.

ETA: I just realized I used BS for Bullshit. I did not mean Betrayed Spouse. I'm sorry for any confusion I may have caused!

I work 3rd shift so sometimes I do tend to be on the more tired side at this time in the morning!

[This message edited by jadedangel at 5:42 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

FoenixRising posted 12/13/2019 04:34 AM

I read somewhere about addiction and how people survive and get through it. I actually think it may have been over on my shady side of the street. Anywho, something that stood out to me is how people of trauma help each other heal by adding humor to the situation.

This has to be a safe place for the betrayed. They are victim #1 (no pun intended on the # but it works! Ha!) and must recover. Involved in that is spite toward the wayward(s). Itís ok. I think our cheating asses need to hear it. Personally I was on team Ben years ago until he ditched Jen and there were rumors of him gambling with strippers.

I donít know, if it relatively harmless and helps a BS to heal, I think itís ok. If their wayward is on this site for right reasons, they wonít be over reading hashtags. Theyíll stay on their side and post with a stop sign. Itís their choice to get involved. hopefully their tail is between their legs enough to shush Anyone with a response That is damning their name but we sure do feel entitled when we show up here. itís a healing process. Itís ugly. Itís messy. Itís sad. hashtags donít offend me in the least. I think it was sweet to post though. 💗

jadedangel posted 12/13/2019 05:31 AM

Thank you Foenix for your reply. I am being oversensitive to the hashtag.

It just bothers me in the more heated threads and it gets thrown out there. Emotions are already heated and it could be something that fuels more conflict. KWIM?

I just had this on my mind for awhile and saw it again so I just thought I would post it.

Also, love your humor!


WalkinOnEggshelz posted 12/13/2019 05:33 AM

Is it against a guideline?

Itís hard to say if something is a guideline violation without the context. My recommendation is to alert a moderator whenever you see something that may be in question. We can look at it and then take action, if necessary.

Buzzy posted 12/13/2019 05:38 AM

I consider this place to be my support team. I came here following my RA expecting to be told "right on, she deserved it" my "team" explained to me in no uncertain terms that i was a cheater as well.

The advice and slaps i have received have been invaluable if somewhat uncomfortable at times.

jadedangel posted 12/13/2019 05:39 AM

Thank you WalkinOnEggshelz :)

landclark posted 12/13/2019 06:31 AM

Iíve seen that done on at least one post, and honestly itís a little too reality TV for me, and I think it makes it harder for both the wayward and the betrayed to use the site.

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/13/2019 06:51 AM

I don't understand what this means.

jadedangel posted 12/13/2019 07:08 AM

There have been threads in different forums from both the BS and WS and sometimes you will have a poster remark #teamuserid.

That is what I was trying to say in my OP. I happened to see it in another thread and I was trying to figure out the why that remark is needed.

I understand calling out the Bullshit and the 2x4's when needed but to tell a BS/WS they are #teamwhoever, why make that remark?

I hope this clears up the intent of my post.

hikingout posted 12/13/2019 10:51 AM

I agree with you and landclark that a lot of times itís polarizing. And many times the bs really want their ws here and forming teams isnít conducive to that and not helpfuk to either party. But I also think FR made some good points as well and I didnít see he most recent instance.

sisoon posted 12/13/2019 11:09 AM

I don't understand hashtags. Are you referring to members who post their partners' names in their taglines?

If so, so what?

I do think it's very important for couples to agree on ground rules about reading and posting to respond to each other.

When my W joined SI, 2 years or so after I did, our agreement was 1) that we would not even read each other's threads, 2) that we would do our best to avoid reading each other's posts, and 3) we would not argue on SI. Those rules kept SI safe for both of us, and I recommend these rules to all couples ... but each couple makes its own rules for themselves.

I personally hate to see a couple fighting with each other on a thread. If a couple can't fight face-2-face, I don't see much hope for R, but that's JMO.

IMO, BS heals BS, WS heals WS, and if R is on the table, together BS & Ws build an M.

Because recovery starts with each partner working on him/herself, I generally have no problem with both partners posting on SI.

But maybe I entirely misunderstand the hashtag crap.

If I've got it right, though, what's the source of your discomfort?

nekonamida posted 12/13/2019 12:37 PM

I have been around long before a #team was used here and I can honestly say the polarizing will happen regardless of if it's around or not. The couples who are polarizing are always situations where at least one is lying, minimizing, or omitting details and it's not always the WS who's doing it. Usually but not always. The Wallopeds are a good example of a couple who both post here but aren't polarizing. It can be done if everyone is honest and focused.

I agree with sisoon about couples who fight in their own threads but I don't blame a BS for exposing their WS for lying in their own thread if that happens. I think it's especially bad when a WS posts in their BS's thread to defend themselves and correct the record.

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/13/2019 18:24 PM

Ok, I think I understand now. I saw that in a thread earlier. I had never seen it before. It must be a relatively new thing.

I don't have a problem with it. Seems to me it's a show of support, which is a good thing. 🤷‍♀️

hikingout posted 12/14/2019 09:28 AM

The wallops and many others I can think of are bad examples for argument of this thread. And while I agree they garner respect with how they conduct themselves. It is almost always a volatile situation when the bs is still in the JFO forum/phase.

And the thing is itís almost unavoidable. The jfo stuff is so raw and triggering to the bs. They want to cocoon the person. And the ws is probably triggering too because more than likely they are in a phase where they are so clueless and saying things that are inflammatory. I think itís just at that point that we end up chasing that ws off. In some cases it could be good but a lot of people who land here do so because they still have hope of saving the marriage. And having the ws here reading is most of the time one of the most beneficial thing they can do outside of therapy. Without this site I would have lost the life that I truly cherish, even if maybe I deserved to do so at the time.

Just food for thought.

And I can see how sometimes we have to say powerful things to get one party or the other to see something. The #team-insertname thing is one of those things and itís probably a lighter one that some of the other things I see. But sometimes we do have to remember the long game is #teamhealing, or #teamcoparenting #teamamicabledivorce or #teamrecincile and we have to remember that those two people becoming a team again even if itís just for coparenting/divorce is ultimately a good goal. I know many bs tell me itís hard because they want to say what they want to their ws, but when others arenít compassionate with them itís heard for them as the bs not to want people to treat them better. Someone in fact just said it to me yesterday. Anyway, I think these discussions can be good to see how we can be of better support. Sometimes those power statements are just needed to jar someone and I see them used appropriately sometimes too.

hikingout posted 12/14/2019 09:31 AM

The wallops and many others I can think of are bad examples for argument of this thread. And while I agree they garner respect with how they conduct themselves. It is almost always a volatile situation when the bs is still in the JFO forum/phase. Me walloped has been her a couple years already. I will say it speak for Mrs walloped but she has said many times publicly had her own adjusting to do with all the flooding of messages when she first joined. H and I have our own trials and he isnt even a big poster.

And the thing is itís almost unavoidable when they are in the JFO space. The jfo stuff is so raw and triggering to the bs. They understandably want to cocoon the person. And the ws is probably triggering too because more than likely they are in a phase where they are so clueless and saying things that are inflammatory. I think itís just at that point that we end up chasing that ws off. In some cases it could be good but a lot of people who land here do so because they still have hope of saving the marriage. And having the ws here reading is most of the time one of the most beneficial thing they can do outside of therapy. Without this site I would have lost the life that I truly cherish, even if maybe I deserved to do so at the time.

Just food for thought.

And I can see how sometimes we have to say powerful things to get one party or the other to see something. The #team-insertname thing is one of those things and itís probably a lighter one that some of the other things I see. But sometimes we do have to remember the long game is #teamhealing, or #teamcoparenting #teamamicabledivorce or #teamrecincile and we have to remember that those two people becoming a team again even if itís just for coparenting/divorce is ultimately a good goal. I know many bs tell me itís hard because they want to say what they want to their ws, but when others arenít compassionate with them itís heard for them as the bs not to want people to treat them better. Someone in fact just said it to me yesterday. Anyway, I think these discussions can be good to see how we can be of better support. Sometimes those power statements are just needed to jar someone and I see them used appropriately sometimes too.

wifehad5 posted 12/14/2019 13:38 PM

As a moderating team we try very hard to keep camps from forming when both sides of a couple are here. There is place for each side to work on themselves, but they're not always at the same place. Having people going back and forth between the threads and "telling" just help create camps. Posting #username can also come across as creating camps.

hikingout posted 12/15/2019 12:58 PM

I just want to clarify after wife had fiveís pots that the mods do a good job with this and I never meant to imply otherwise. The problem only lies in that sometimes these things go off the rails quickly, before there is a chance for intervention and these kinds of posts are good discussion points to help people (including myself) to think about different aspects and obstacles.

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