SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Jehuretired posted 12/13/2019 11:07 AM

I don't even know how to start. Been tooling around this site for a while.

My husband of 28 years died of cancer 5 months ago. We raised 4 kids to adulthood. We both were abandoned with children by wayward spouses. 2 each. I raised and loved his like my own. Their mother had nothing to do with them until they got grown, and then she contacted them. They were looking for answers, and they have all had a very strained relationship for about 6 years.

In the middle of planning his funeral, his two totally spazzed out about their mother. She wanted to come to the funeral and MUCH drama followed. I just thought it was unresolved hurt, combined with their father's passing. I made the offer to let her come, but they were adamant that she had no business there, and posted guards (seriously) to watch for her.

All of his phones were encrypted. I knew none of his passwords. Last Sunday, his facebook log-in popped up on my computer screen, and I had a sudden flash about I bet I knew what he changed his password to...it was incredibly easy. And completely devastating. He had, indeed been in contact with her. I see no evidence where they physically met, but the betrayal here goes down layers. There are pictures. Lots of pictures. From both sides. It is obvious that she did not know how sick he was, but she has made a living for the last 28 years going from man to man and she obviously thought that she had a new meal ticket on the hook. She pulled out all the stops...

He discussed things with her, that gives betrayal a new meaning. She made suggestions. He tried some of them out. On me. Reported back to her. He sent her pictures to his friends. They think they are me. Some of the things he said to his friends are beyond disturbing....

I can't kill him. He's dead. I can't ask questions, can't get closure.

There was enough truth shared by his x that the girls are pretty sure they had an internet fling. They have no idea. I don't want to destroy their memories of their father, but they do need to quit trying to protect me. The secrets have caused distances between us. One of the girls is REALLY struggling here, and now I understand why...I would NEVER share any details, but should I tell them I know? Are they better off wondering? They cut all ties with their mother in anger, but that is subject to change, and she HAS proof...

And I don't know what to do with my grief...

nekonamida posted 12/13/2019 11:20 AM

You are not the first BS to come here who found out about their WS's infidelity after they died. It is a special kind of hell and perhaps some of our other members who have been there will chime in if they are around.

Get a good IC for yourself who specializes in grief and trauma. Be kind to yourself. Take good care of yourself.

Are they better off wondering?

No. Absolutely not. Children who know about their parent's infidelity are NEVER better off wondering. This isn't about tainting their memories of him. If they know or suspect, the damage is done. If their bio mom ever gives them proof, you are setting them up to be blindsided by someone they don't trust or even like right now. They deserve to hear it from you. His secrets are not yours to keep and not your burden to bear. This would be true even if he was still alive.

Jehuretired posted 12/13/2019 11:24 AM

We fought cancer for 2 years. Treatments were completely devastating. But he actually was a little stronger...and then a blood clot...

I took care of him when he was too sick to get himself to the bathroom. I mopped body fluids and sat beside him round the clock. And this is what he did? This is how he thanked me? With the absolute biggest whore he EVER knew??

The two friends that he had the most disturbing conversations with have offered to come help me with ANYTHING I need. I thought they were being helpful...they just think I'm kinky. I can't begin to wrap my head around any of this

I need to add that his girls think it is all a secret. I put two and two together and went to the oldest (mine) and asked point blank. They have gone to enormous trouble for me to not find out...

He was raised in a super strict religious home. His parents are still alive. I knew he had some hang ups because of how he was raised, but this....

[This message edited by Jehuretired at 11:31 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

nekonamida posted 12/13/2019 11:28 AM

I know it's difficult but you will never fully understand why he did it. What you can guarantee is that it's because he was very selfish and you were not to blame for any of it.

I thought they were being helpful...they just think I'm kinky.

Cut them off. Send them on their way. Don't even talk to them. They see that you are vulnerable and they are looking to take advantage of you. It says a lot about your late WH if his best friends flock to you like vultures the second he's gone. Disgusting.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 11:28 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

Jehuretired posted 12/13/2019 12:42 PM

It changed everything I believed to be true about him. About us. What were the last 28 years?

thatbpguy posted 12/13/2019 14:24 PM

And the truth shall set you free.....

cannotforgive posted 12/13/2019 16:18 PM

I am really sorry you have to go through infidelity on top of your grief.

There is another poster here whose husband died while away on a work trip. When they brought his bag she found sex toys and phones she did not know about. It transpired he was on sugar daddy sites and cheating on her. I remember she cremated him and kept the urn in the garage.

It is very hard to accept such a horrible situation when you can't address it. He is not here to receive your anger and see your pain...

A good counselor is going to help you process this terrible situation. Please cut the people from your life who knew what was happening and delete his ex from your life.Talk to your girls and tell them you know. No more secrets.

You were the one who led an honest, caring and authentic life, not him. Stay strong x

Jehuretired posted 12/13/2019 16:24 PM

So....He sent his friends very explicit and trashy photos of her. Then they exchanged "wood" pictures if you get my drift. Why would men do that? Trying not to be naive, but why would men want to look at each other's hard parts. There were times when I wondered about...some things... Was he BI? And he had MUCH access to guys...worried about health issues here...

Stumblingon posted 12/13/2019 16:49 PM

So shit having to process all this with no possibility of resolution. Sorry you find yourself in such an awful scenario. I wish you strength and peace.

Why would men do that? Trying not to be naive, but why would men want to look at each other's hard parts.

Yeah that is odd, to say the least. If you had suspicions before that would seem to back them up.

worried about health issues here...

Certainly for peace of mind testing for STDs might be advisable regardless of which sex he cheated with. He seems to have crossed a few dark boundaries.

Butforthegrace posted 12/13/2019 19:44 PM

I heard a podcast about a woman who cheated on her husband for years, and who stole the identity of her husband, her daughter (when the daughter was a minor, but continuing to the daughter's adult years), and a couple of other relatives, all to the tune of nearly a million cumulative dollars, all to fund her A with her AP (a high school sweetheart).

Then she died, leaving the family saddled with all of that debt.

Then, after she died, the family gradually figured it out.

hansvoleman posted 12/14/2019 02:51 AM

Dear lady, your situation is tragic. You were honest and genuine in your marriage for decades. Raising your husband's children as yours and caring for your husband through long term illness shows love and dedication that few people manage. Whatever you choose to do, please do not anything you discover about your husband's choices devalue or diminish you in anyway.

Sending you strength and best wishes.

The1stWife posted 12/14/2019 06:07 AM

This is heartbreaking.

I suggest getting professional counseling for you. It will help tremendously.

Jehuretired posted 12/14/2019 15:00 PM

Feel incredibly stupid today. My first husband was a cheater, too. Left me with 2 tiny children while he chased the office slut. All these years later, I am no wiser. Way too trusting. Way too quick to ignore my gut instincts. I went to counseling after my first marriage broke apart, and the counselor was very concerned that I was not furious...I didn't see the point...he was gone...

Trouble is, I'm not REALLY angry at this either. He's dead. What good can it possibly do to get angry? I must have a screw loose... Shouldn't I want to set fire to his coffin? Instead, I've got this weird deja vu. Just kinda "here I am again..."

Stumblingon posted 12/14/2019 15:14 PM

With so much to process it’s probably no surprise if you might feel a little numb emotionally. The feelings may resurface when you are ready to deal with them but I guess not feeling anger at this point isn’t a bad thing. Discovering his infidelity I imagine would have compounded your grief at having lost him and then wondering what you had in the first place.

In a way the “here I am again” feeling could be anger turned back on yourself. Don’t blame yourself for being trusting. Trust in others is precious, if you can get through this with your values intact in my opinion that makes you stronger not weaker.

Jehuretired posted 12/14/2019 16:01 PM

I can't quite switch gears to angry. I still feel so sorry for him and the two emotions don't quite go together. He went through a series of chemo and radiation that made him soooo sick. He lost over a hundred pounds. The radiation (to the center of his chest) put him on a liquid diet for almost a month.

She, however, is a different subject. She was telling the girls a sob story, trying to get them to let her move in with one of them. She lives in another state. They both live close by. He had professed a complete hatred of her for years, so they very carefully kept anything to do with him away from her. He told her he was sick, but not how bad it was...she was leaving another boyfriend to move closer to him. She's been married 4 times. Given enough time, she would have blown my world apart. Complete with pictures.

It takes two. But somehow....the conniving on her part, is so MUCH worse.

Jehuretired posted 12/14/2019 16:14 PM

Both of his parents are alive. In their 80's. I do not yet have a stone in place on his grave, because his parents wanted to go with me to pick it out, and they can't seem to both be ok at the same time. They assume it will be a double stone. That isn't going to happen. They buried their only other son a little over 2 years ago. Car accident. I can't tell them any of this. They are too old; too feeble. It would be cruel. Their son's wife put up a double stone with a picture of them together on it. I sooooo want to put up a double stone with that piece of trash's name on it and one of the pu--y pictures that she sent him in the middle.

I guess I am angry. Just not at him.

dreamlife posted 12/14/2019 16:51 PM

I am so very sorry.

Please see a grief therapist who specializes in *complicated grief*.

huge hugs

Nowandthen posted 12/14/2019 18:01 PM

Dear Jehuretired, this just sucks. So sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Please don’t blame yourself for being too trusting, because you had every right to trust your husband and to believe he was a loving, faithful spouse. I think honesty with the kids is the best policy, because they will probably pick up some of your emotions and suspect something weird is going on. As for your husband’s creepy friends... cut them off and out of your life. Yeuugggh 😩

Dismayed2012 posted 12/16/2019 09:32 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation Jehu. It's definitely a difficult one. I would have a hard time with the double stone too. I'd think that there's a way you could politely recommend a single stone with the implication that you'll worry about the companion stone later. It may be an idea to sit down with the kids at the same time and discuss what everyone knows about their father's activities. If they don't know then you may need to broach the subject with them before the ex rocks their world. Let them know that the conversation has been forced upon you by the ex. Also, regardless of what they know or knew, don't allow it to affect your relationship with them. They didn't have any involvement in their Dad's choices. Hopefully you can work it to where you strengthen the relationships through this. Be totally honest with them no matter what. Don't second guess or try to save their feelings by not answering questions truthfully. A timeline is important as is the fact that he wasn't physical with her. Then, let them know that as far as you're concerned the conversation will stay between you and them. They can choose for themselves what they want to do. There's no need to ruin anyone else's feelings about your now passed husband. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wish the best for you.

Jehuretired posted 12/16/2019 10:56 AM

Thank you all...you gave me a place to vent, and to begin to process. It is unbelievably hard to be furious with a dead man. One you spent a lifetime with. One that you fought so hard for...I have talked to all the girls except one. She is the one that is struggling the most with his death, and the one that her bio mom unloaded the most on. I think she is avoiding me, because she does not want to have this conversation. I have told her it is important and private. The ball is in her court....

He traveled extensively with his work. I had two separate occasions when I really thought he might have been cheating. He told me I was crazy, paranoid, etc, but that he was totally loyal and faithful. I know now that loyalty wasn't his strong suit.

Making an appointment to get tested for STD's. At this point in my life. After 28 years of monogamy..