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Bet this is different....

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keptmyword posted 12/18/2019 08:51 AM

It changed everything I believed to be true about him. About us. What were the last 28 years?

Your husband and his personal behavior does not define you or your life

Your marriage does not define you or your life.

You, living true to the values and principles you believe in, are the only one that define you, your life, and your legacy.

fareast posted 12/18/2019 09:05 AM

This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^! 1000x over!

Jehuretired posted 1/4/2020 13:56 PM

I sat down with all the girls. Had a long talk and came away feeling better, except....

All of them are adults. All of them believed he was having an emotional and possibly physical affair. They did not tell me in the beginning because we were in the middle of a funeral. But 5 months later?? They had hashed it out between themselves MANY times, but left me in the dark. One of them is still digging around because she thinks there was a physical affair with someone else. Broke bad and told her to leave it ALL alone. Nobody's business but mine and her dad's and now that he's dead, just leaves me....

Am I wrong to be angry with them? They kept his secrets for 5 months. Five. And now they want to pump me for information. I was cheated on in my first marriage and I never got over the people who knew and said nothing....this feels the same...is it?

Of course I love them. That won't stop. But is my anger at them right now justified, or do I just need to suck it up? I found out by accident, they did not tell me to "protect" me, but it feels more like they were protecting themselves....

Jehuretired posted 1/4/2020 14:05 PM

Found a message to one of his friends. They were discussing getting a hooker. Bucket list. I'm assuming this was the morphine talking on my husband's end, because of the date on the text. I called his buddy and told him what scum he was. He said it never happened, so I sent him a screen shot. Sent a copy to his girlfriend. Yep. That "not mad" stage passed. Buddy was making arrangements. My husband was paying. Asked the idiot how many hookers were bought and paid for in the past. He didn't know....wow....

[This message edited by Jehuretired at 2:17 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

NotInMyLife posted 1/4/2020 17:23 PM

Tell the girls how you feel: that it's another layer of betrayal and you will not discuss their father's activities with them. Personally I wouldn't consider it the same as friends who concealed your first husband's cheating though. The girls were clearly conflicted about how to protect you.

What you want to impress upon them now is that the knowledge that they didn't let you know has compounded the hurt and you do not want them to ever do the same to anyone else.

[This message edited by NotInMyLife at 5:25 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

LLXC posted 1/4/2020 17:45 PM

It takes two. But somehow....the conniving on her part, is so MUCH worse

Why was what your husband's ex did so much worse?

I am so sorry you are going through this

Jehuretired posted 1/4/2020 22:24 PM

Why was what your husband's ex did so much worse?

That's a good question. I had to think about it for a while. It's not. She was conniving and trying to get him to leave me. Using our kids. But he NEVER told her he was terminal (not that it changes anything) but she was just making the assumptions that skanks do....and I had no vows with her, no promises. No, you're right. Not worse. I guess I'm still trying to make excuses for him....

Dispirited posted 1/5/2020 02:28 AM

"One you spent a lifetime with. One that you fought so hard for"...

How many asked the same question? Answers are rare and more than likely never any condolence. Too many are left to deal with such a blow.And because "life goes on", we all hope for a better tomorrow. Explaining any differently to those whom never seem to get it suddenly becomes yet another exercise in futility. No one ever gets or understands those on the receiving end.I'm just one of many who never envisioned such a story.


Still...I realize that goodness outweighs all of the heartache even though the cards were dealt so opposite to what we had hoped. Inasmuch as many find it hard to believe, there are people who do their best to live a righteous life. Yes- imperfect, but resolved nonetheless to understand what the word "commitment" means.

No- not a lecture. Simply time to realize that vows or promises are not simply something to take lightly.And yes- reality is such that some of those supposed commitments will end, but too many think it's a joke in doing so. Too many never understand the extent of hurt upon those whom they swore to cherish.



hansvoleman posted 1/5/2020 06:41 AM

I was appalled to read your story. There are few words of comfort I can offer but I am absolutely clear that there is no shame or dishonour attached to you in this. It is all on your husband without any doubt. You asked

Am I wrong to be angry with them? They kept his secrets for 5 months.

No you aren't wrong. Something I've learned in therapy is that my anger towards my wife is justified - her behaviour was appalling. However the way that I express it becomes the issue because I try to suck it up and quite often fail. It is too much to hold in.

You say it is between you and your husband but is it? Don't you all share his betrayal at some level. Is there not some measure by which you can help each other? Perhaps not always as group of 5 but as 2s and 3s so over time everyone can speal and you can arrive at understanding them and, more importantly, they you. By the sound of it your girls have been your focus for all or a huge part of their lives. There is a tendency to always see mum and dad as your parents whatever age you are, never learning your parents are individuals with wants and fears in their own right.

The weight of what you are carrying is horrendous and I would hope you aren't going to do it on your own. Sending you strength.

LongSigh posted 1/5/2020 13:36 PM

Can’t speak to this specific circumstance of infidelity but I can absolutely speak to wanting to protect a stepmother that I love. Years ago I’m not sure I would have told her if I thought my dad was messing around, especially if I wasn’t 1,000% certain. no way. I would now, but now I have an understanding that only experience brings.

I love my stepmom. Hell, I don't even consider her a stepmom, she’s just mom. Just the idea of someone hurting her is enough to make me soooo angry. She came into my life when it was all upside down and stabilized my world. The love I have for her is beyond describing. I was pathologically scared of not having it returned, or it being rescinded, until sometime in my mid 20’s.

It sounds like you were a stabilizing and nurturing force for your girls. If that’s the case, maybe they’re scared of losing you. Still, They have zero business being pulled into the triangle. Asking them to divulge whatever secrets they have is wholly unfair. I can imagine the inner conflict and I guarantee they’re losing peace over it. If you need to ask someone to spill the beans, ask the shitty Bio mother that put them in such a situation.

[This message edited by LongSigh at 1:37 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

Throwaway999 posted 1/5/2020 13:46 PM

I am also new to SI....my first real post was today. My husband is currently terminal with cancer. I found out about his infidelity 2 months ago. I have told him many times that I am glad I found out now before he passes. I know in my heart, I would be in the same shoes as you...I would have checked his emails and found out afterwards.

I am so very sorry...I know your hurt and anger to find out that your marriage was not what you thought it was. I know you will find very good advice and support here.


Jehuretired posted 1/5/2020 18:20 PM

Thank you LongSigh. Yes, I wrapped my arms around 4 girls that came from 2 broken messes and made their lives safe. They all call me mom. They all love me...I am certain. I am angry, and looking for an escape valve. I can't be angry with him. Well, I can....but it's pretty useless. Can't find her. I feel betrayed, and surely if I feel betrayed then there must be a betrayer that I can yell and scream at. It's not them. You are right.

Throwaway 999: My heart aches for you.

My husband is currently terminal with cancer. I found out about his infidelity 2 months ago

There are so many emotions for you right now with the cancer. I would not have left my husband in the midst of his illness, but I don't know that I could have been as gracious as you. Perhaps...perhaps it is a very good thing that I did not find out until after his death. I am certain I gave him a level of care beyond reproach. I might would have wondered if I was always kind and loving, if I had known...thank you. And I wish you much strength for the road ahead.

Tallgirl posted 1/5/2020 19:08 PM

I am so sorry for your pain. you are going through hell that you husband left for you.

I think you can be mad at him. I think you certainly can go to his gravesite and tell him off as much as you need to.

The girls. Oh man, they too were put into an awful situation.

I am so sorry for all of you.

The pond scum friends....Revolting. Glad you outed one of them. Good suggestion to break all ties with them.

You are handling this so well considering the situation.

I hope you can find peace and at some point some level of acceptance.

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