He and I have been together for 26 years. His affair was over for 5 before it was revealed.
He was cheating throughout the previous decades prior to that, and all the while we were dating.
He crossed the line early, so continuing to cross it simply became a no-brainer. And yes, I can go into years and years of WTF's, as he would disparage other cheaters, rant about how much he hated hypocrisy, insisted he'd never do that to me (he knew it was literally the worst thing that I thought someone could do to another person), occasionally gaslight me, etc. etc. etc. and so much more. So, so many layers of anger and F'd up behavior the list would drop through the floor when reviewed sequentially.
But since it was revealed (I didn't catch him, per sey), it has been very much as though he was slapped across the face with a giant wet fish. As a BS, this of course leaves me incredulous that so much time could elapse before a WS really absorbs the realization that what they are doing is so supremely horrendous.
I mean, it's really the epitome of shit behavior and thinking. They don't see themselves as shitty people...but rather good people just caught up in a slightly shitty thing that happens to feel really good at the time. No harm, no foul if not caught.
I would like to add here, BTW, that whatever "type" on thinks is a cheater, mine appeared the complete opposite of that. He barely flirted with me when we dated...me trying to imagine him trolling for others or pursuing tail on the side still snaps a circuit.
So I'll attempt to answer some of the questions I've posed after having been through a couple of years of shock and awe.
He did read the books, get the counselling, and willingly sign the ass-raping divorce decree that I have simply not yet executed. I did confront the AP although at 5-years post it was a moot point and she really just wanted me to leave her out of it, etc. and yes I have had to do quite a bit of work on my own trauma/PTSD stuff. This was a mind-screw that tickled other previous mindscrews in my life in a huge way.
How to view the LTA:
Perhaps, simply the way you view a short-term one...only it was an object in motion that stayed in motion because nothing interrupted it sooner. But the important part is that it gets interrupted by something.
I'm not sure I'm still attached to my former expectations of monogamy as a general rule. So many people I know have crossed the infidelity line that I'm now thinking that people who behave correctly are not the rule. Of course, I remain insistent on being monogamous. If I discover otherwise, I presume I'm gone. More than that, I'm not really as focused on looking for signs of cheating so much as I'm looking for backwards movement on literally any peripheral behavior as well. In fact, soley, I focus on that. That is, when I'm focusing on him at all. I've been fortunate that for the most part, he's been utterly repentant and has assumed full culpability with the appropriate shame cloud.
To survive a long-term affair, I think the only path forward is back to the self. Dropping the need to be fulfilled by another person, or made whole by a marriage per sey. I now view him more as a pleasant accessory to my own life. Do I enjoy him? Is he helpful? Does he enhance me? Is he kind/considerate/focused in the right areas? Check check check so far.
Could I leave skidmarks? Probably. But at 26 years in, it's so much more than simply living up to a campaign promise that I'd blast anyone into space that ever did this to me. And believe me, that could have been painted on my car. Fidelity was a huge deal to me going in . From the start, and he knew it.
We have a joint life. We have assets. We have a routine. We have synergy and symbiosis that have been built over decades. Those are very serious things to consider when faced with the reality of pressing the big red button.
In fact, if he cheated again, I'm not sure entirely if I'd actually leave him. Not because I lack self-esteem, but because at this stage I'm not sure I care as much about some things vs. others. I might even consider simply sexually protecting myself like I would if I were single and sleeping around. Or, eliminating the sex altogether and seeking out an open arrangement if I cared enough about sex to do that. (*which, BTW...I currently don't. In theory, I'd be too pissed and leave him).
But reality check: that's the careful consideration I might give to deleting the other categories in life simply based on principle. Security is clearly a huge driver for me. Possibly, THE driver. Because, when you get older and build your empire...there's more to consider than just slogans and memes and reaching to feel like some sort of badass in all of this.
Infidelity completely sucks.
But getting older and having spent a ton of time building a life only to face dismantling that life...was more complicated than I expected when I was shouting from my soapbox in my early 20's.
But I surely didn't expect to be the LTA story. I was so proud of this one, thinking he was not "that guy".
So elements that possibly downgrade the crater of the LTA:
1. Keeping a sense of self so that your castle isn't built on the sand of someone else's bad behavior>
2. Realizing that the terms of negotiation are entirely yours. You can make them go away if those details change unfavorably.
3. People really, truly do stay in the grooves of behavior patterns...until an experience shifts them out of it. If it took 3 months, 5 years, 2 decades...the important element is that it happened and the shift was catalyzed.
Every situation is different.
My WS definitely went from douchebag to nice guy in a tangible, quantifiable way. We wouldn't be here if that didn't happen.
But, I won't lie. There are still those moments of sitting there thinking Holy Shit.
I am that person that got cheated on for literally their entire adult life.
By the person they trusted.
And he blew up my life in an epic fashion.
Most days, it's not something I even try to forgive.