"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

skeetermooch posted 12/16/2019 09:24 AM

I finally went 180. I finally decided to file this week.

I needed my post-nup modified because as written I can't file until February 1.

He agreed to sign a modified version to exclude that time limitation. We were to meet today. He just sent an email refusing to do so and told me not to contact him again.

Whenever I go grey rock or NC, he announces he wants NC. It freaks me out and pisses me off so badly. At least now I recognize it's not authentic - he's just trying to tweak me and he knows that works. Not taking the bait this time but OMG I want to send him a venomous email back right now.

I fucking hate this asshole. After dropping a nuclear bomb into my life for no fucking reason, why can't he be decent, accept the consequences of his own actions and let me move on in the easiest way possible? Why does he think he should make my life more difficult after everything he's already done to me??

Chili posted 12/16/2019 09:33 AM

After dropping a nuclear bomb into my life for no fucking reason, why can't he be decent, accept the consequences of his own actions and let me move on in the easiest way possible? Why does he think he should make my life more difficult after everything he's already done to me??

Ah yes. It's a special kind of hell to deal with the ones who won't let you go gracefully. It's unfair, cruel, petulant, cowardly, and abusive. I guess in some twisted way it makes them feel better somehow. With my assclown, I think he hated the idea of not being the one *in control.*

I am so glad for you that you are taking steps to not engage with him. Who cares if he says he's got dibs or you started it first or any other nursery school game. You can't win any kind of game with this guy because it will always be his rules - subject to change at any time.

Sigh.

Post your venomous thoughts here - write them out - call a friend and ask for a 5 minute vent. Purge them and then go back to gathering your paperwork for the divorce. If you keep shutting him out, at some point you won't have to keep hitting the reset button on your progress. I know you'll have everything ready to go by that February 1st date!

skeetermooch posted 12/16/2019 10:12 AM

Thanks for the wise words, Chile. You so right.

My assclown also hates the idea of not being in-control - so I guess all he can do to assert any power here is to be obstructionist.

I would understand that if I was the aggressor but he fucking cheated on me more times than either one of us can even count. Literally, he can't even say how many times! I found so much evidence I stopped counting myself. After the first 10, who cares how many more there are?

If you keep shutting him out, at some point you won't have to keep hitting the reset button on your progress.

Yes, I've hit that button way too many times and I do not want to start over. It's nc or reduced contact, he makes some nice gesture that reignites hope, a tentative limbo is re-established - then he does something fucked up again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

skeetermooch posted 12/16/2019 10:40 AM

Argh this piece of shit just won't stop poking my cage.

He just emailed me again about a memorial I'm attending tomorrow night and how he would like to be there. FU!!

What happened to "don't contact me" from a few hours ago???

WhoTheBleep posted 12/16/2019 10:46 AM

Skeeter, do not respond at all reference the memorial service. His request for you not to contact him is a response to your 180. He is trying to one-up you. Do. Not. React. You have the upper hand here. If you respond to him, you give that up.

TrustedHer posted 12/16/2019 11:03 AM

7 weeks from today is Monday, February 3.

It's a 7 week delay in what is often a very lengthy process.

Make sure your attorney is ready to file on February 3.

Make plans on how to spend the next 7 weeks, and stay busy. Use the time to prepare your financial statements and do all your planning.
Photocopy or scan all the W2's, other tax documents, and investment information. If you live in a fault state, you can gather evidence of his cheating, but don't even bother if you're in a no-fault state.

Line up IC for yourself while you're still married and it's a marital expense. Pay as much of a retainer to your attorney as you can in advance, while your credit cards are still marital debt. Take care of any outstanding medical issues while there's no question about medical coverage.

Charity411 posted 12/16/2019 11:10 AM

Listen to WhoTheBleep. Any response at all is a good response to him. You can call him an asshole and he'll delight in the fact that he got you to respond. Silence is the only winning strategy if you want him to stop contacting you.

When I broke up with my long term SO, that was when he refused to give up. I moved over a hundred miles away and he followed me. When I would not answer his calls or emails, he became relentless. He left notes in my car, called my friends, had his mother call my family members, wrote poems about me and put them in the local paper, and more. He was finally arrested for stalking. It was about power. How dare I reject him.

The only thing that keeps him at bay 21 years later is absolutely zero contact. Once after about three years of silence I accidentally answered when he called my house. The only thing I said when I realized it was him was "F... You Asshole!" and hung up. It started another year of persistent pursuit because in his brain the fact that I picked up the phone meant "I want him". Now if he tries to contact me, the police pay him a visit. They had to as recently as a year and a half ago.

So trust someone who is speaking from unfortunate experience. And yes, 21 years later I still ask myself "What the hell was I thinking" for ever having had a relationship with this evil individual.

crazyblindsided posted 12/16/2019 12:13 PM

all he can do to assert any power here is to be obstructionist.

Yep my STBX is an obstructionist too (I really like that term ). In fact since I have gone NC so has my STBX except for when he feels the need to engage me like yesterday telling me about the concert he got invited to with special artist passes. He actually told me I would probably be interested in going

My STBX also tries to scare me (because I am scared about how I will fare financially after physically separating) by telling me that right now IHS is a 'vacation' because he helps pay for things now.

Right there with you (((skeetermooch))) keep detaching, 180 and grey rock to the max!

HalfTime2017 posted 12/16/2019 16:50 PM

The best response is no response. Because NO response is a lost of control and that you are no longer going to engaging with them. They don't like it and its your best road forward.

On the flip side though, you can only control you. Gotta find a way to let go of that hope so that you don't fall back into limbo. Who cares about the nice gestures! You've got to just let him go.

skeetermooch posted 12/16/2019 17:12 PM

His request for you not to contact him is a response to your 180. He is trying to one-up you.

It's so weird - he's playing chess when he should be on his knees begging for forgiveness. He wants control and I want a reciprocal relationship.

7 weeks from today is Monday, February 3.

When you say it like that, it doesn't sound so long

My STBX also tries to scare me (because I am scared about how I will fare financially after physically separating) by telling me that right now IHS is a 'vacation' because he helps pay for things now.

What an asshole - I mean seriously - what a POS. I'm sure you'd rather live under a bridge than with his sorry ass.

Who cares about the nice gestures!

Nice gestures are all he's good for - easy little gestures - he can't be bothered to do the heavy lifting - face his issues, show remorse, be honest.

skeetermooch posted 12/16/2019 17:15 PM

((((Charity)))))

He's been stalking you for over 20 years??? I can imagine how stressful that must be. My daughter has had a stalker for about 13 years now and it's taken a toll on her. She's changed her name and moved to another continent.

Yes, no response is the best with obsessed people. Anything feeds their fantasy. I realize now that by maintaining the little contact I did with my STBX it gave him ultimate confidence that we would be reunited. He's told mutual friends that he's certain of it.

Yesterday, one of his emails was something to the effect that I should postpone the divorce because he knows we will be back together sooner or later.

skeetermooch posted 12/16/2019 18:40 PM

And now he's contacting my friend asking her to ask me something because I'm not responding to him.

This one particularly gets to me. I don't like my friends being subjected to his nonsense. Argh.

Chili posted 12/16/2019 19:22 PM

Heavy sigh. He's such a drama junkie.

I would advise your friends to NC with him as well for everything. Start cutting him out of your life in all ways at least while this craziness is going on. He will eventually give up when he doesn't get any reactions from anyone.

Give them a nice grey rock phrase to use: "I'm not able to talk with you during this time." "I'm choosing not to get involved in this situation." "Please don't contact me."

All kinds of people tried to get in touch with me when I went 100%. I didn't take the calls from any of them.

Skeeter - I know how hard all of this is - stay the course.

skeetermooch posted 12/16/2019 21:41 PM

Thanks, Chile.

I think this particular friend kind of enjoys the drama and playing mediator a wee bit.

Great idea to feed her some grey rock responses. I feel like everyday she feeds me some tidbit about him - did you know this or did you know that.

I'm glad she told me he went away this weekend because knowing that really strengthened my resolve but there's nothing else I need to know. I have enough.

skeetermooch posted 12/16/2019 22:12 PM

What is madhattered??

skeetermooch posted 12/16/2019 22:30 PM

And he emailed to ask me out for a drink a few hours ago I just noticed.

You know how nostalgic that makes me? It brings me back to when we were dating, how excited I would be to meet him for a cocktail. I would love to be somewhere having a drink with the man I love. And instead I've got to ignore the request. I can't even be polite and say, no thanks. I just have to ignore him because otherwise I'm likely to get drawn into some stupid conversation I will certainly regret.

Where were the offers to have a drink when you were out fucking other women asshole?????

squid posted 12/16/2019 23:00 PM

What is madhattered??

It's essentially a revenge affair. He cheats, you cheat. But 2 wrongs don't make a right.

skeetermooch posted 12/17/2019 00:20 AM

Thanks, Squid.