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How do you move on...

layla1234 posted 12/18/2019 08:59 AM

When divorce isn't an option?

We discussed the divorce last night. Even with selling the house, I would not be able to keep and maintain a house to support my 3 girls on my teacher salary. So what do I do? I don't want to be married to him anymore so we could go through with it for those reasons and just put that we agree to keep the house in tact with both parents living there?

We both live the there until we find partners that we are able to share a life with and then separate? This whole thing is so fucked up.

nekonamida posted 12/18/2019 09:16 AM

That would be an incredibly messy situation. You'd have to live with him knowing he's seeing OW or someone else and dating them. He could leave you high and dry at any time and there wouldn't be much you could do about it. This is a recipe for disaster.

Have you spoken to a lawyer and gotten a good idea of what to expect from a D? That's step 1 because whatever you work out with him may not be the reality of what you will be getting in a D. And given his attitude lately, I have a hard time believing he's open to being generous or even fair in the distribution with you.

Layla, as much as you love this house, is it worth all of the pain and drama of having him in your life post D? Could you imagine trying to date with him around or having a boyfriend? You know he will get jealous and interfere. You know it will be hell. Is downgrading to an apartment worth it to you?

I also think you should research the house market, houses for rent, and apartments before you make any big decisions. Knowledge is power. Maybe you won't own a new house right off the bat but maybe you will have enough to rent one until you can afford to buy one. Maybe there's a nice apartment out there for you. Maybe there is a slightly more modest house you haven't seen yet just outside of your area. The point is - this is a TEMPORARY housing situation that you can get through with clear start and end dates.

What you're proposing with D'ing your WH and staying in house does not have a clear start and end date. It's signing yourself up for IHS hell indefinitely and putting a vague and easily sabotaged condition on it of attempting to both find new partners to bring into this mess. And there's absolutely no guarantee that he won't just up and leave you one day before you're ready. You could go along with this plan, do everything right, and still find yourself in this exact situation one day. Your WH hasn't played fair, hasn't been honest, and hasn't been transparent with you while married. What loyalty will he suddenly keep when you're D'd?

skeetermooch posted 12/18/2019 09:46 AM


That's a tough spot. With my son's dad we had to sell my beloved home and I had to significantly downgrade and scrape by. But you know, I was so much happier in my new, smaller place in a sketchy hood with my kids - because he wasn't there. Sometimes the benefits aren't apparent when these shitty life events happen. You can trust that wherever you live, you will be happier when you aren't living with him.

You might try the IHS for a set period of time with some really clear ground rules. It would never work for me but I think there are instances where people can make it work. I think it depends on how much of an asshole the ex is and how detached you can be with his goings on under your nose.

crazyblindsided posted 12/18/2019 11:47 AM

I think it depends on how much of an asshole the ex is and how detached you can be with his goings on under your nose.

^^^This is exactly how it is in IHS. I have no idea what is going on when he gets home at midnight. I have to remain detached and there are times when he is not around that I wail like a baby over my situation.

You can do IHS but it comes at a price to your mental state

I agree that it is a good idea to look at all options. I would look at renting apartments as a last resort.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 12/18/2019 14:14 PM

If you are not considering R anymore which is fine, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel date (such as - the house will sell in 12 months, or I get a new job which will pay more and I can move out in 6 months, etc) then you HAVE to separate and may as well do it now/ASAP and get on with it. You simply cannot stay with no end date - nothing to look forward to. I had friends who tried this and it literally was the UGLIEST mess when they did split (and not because they found someone else to take care of them) - they split because it was simply untenable after a year and it was destroying their kids.

I don't want to be offensive here so my apologies if it sounds that way BUT - what would happen if your WH "found someone else" and left - wouldn't you be in the same position you are now? The chances are astronomically slim you will both "find a way out" at the same time (unless it's to a mental institution as the long term toll of this on you will be immense - and it WILL be for your kids too). You've simply got to figure out a way to make it happen, even if it's not ideal.

Yep - it can be financially UGLY - but you can look to renting a place and getting a roommate/someone else to split the bills with you. You can look for unique situations that may work for you, but leave, you're going to have to. An indefinite long term separation (and why not D anyway if you are considering dating others and doing this) seems really unrealistic, and honestly, horrible.

Your standard of living will not be the same for sure, but unfortunately you don't have many options in that regard. That's the bad news...the good news is that you DO have options for you and your kids to be HAPPIER now and more importantly, in the long run. If it was just you I might have different advice (but still with the idea you need to move out eventually) but because of them especially, you've just got to make the move if you want to D.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:12 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 12/18/2019 15:08 PM

Oh goodness Layla. Bad bad idea. Please get your own place, even if it means downsizing significantly.

I've been staying mentally detached from the house I bought two years ago, because I am fully prepared to leave it if necessary. it's more room than I need, and even after the divorce I will likely be house poor if I stay here. I would rather live smaller, and have money to do things and travel.

House is just wood glass and sheetrock. Kids'happiness does not depend on it. Mom being happy and healthy is much more important.

DevastatedDee posted 12/18/2019 15:28 PM

Layla, I downsized in house both in size and in how nice it was. I'm pretty much always struggling financially. Makes sense, I have essentially all the same household bills, but less than half the income. An annoying part of this is that I made financial decisions based upon being married to an employed person and..well...didn't even make it 2 years. Yet, I'm happier and I wouldn't trade it. No, I don't get my nails done anymore and I dye my hair at home now and the kids don't get everything they want, but there is peace in my house. Honestly, perspective is something. Being late on a bill before would have sent me into a panic. Now, a collection call isn't a damned thing in comparison to finding out my husband was fucking prostitutes. So if I'm a week late on a bill, fuck it. I still have happiness and peace and all the things that actually matter. No one is going hungry. It takes time to financially downsize (paying off some bills, refinancing others), but it is doable. Besides, I would hope you will get child support. I echo everyone's suggestion to see an attorney and find out what your financial situation really looks like.

skeetermooch posted 12/18/2019 16:45 PM

Being late on a bill before would have sent me into a panic. Now, a collection call isn't a damned thing in comparison to finding out my husband was fucking prostitutes.

I laugh and say, Amen, to that!

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