"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

skeetermooch posted 12/21/2019 17:32 PM

So, my STBX is planning to give me his timeline confession tomorrow. I think the lack of contact, not relenting on spending the holidays together and telling him I'm divorcing him repeatedly have spurred him to finally do what he's been saying he would do - namely the timeline. Because he knows it's meant to be used with a lie detector test, what I fear most are new revelations.

As I've mentioned in other posts I'm 90% sure I'm divorcing him but there's a sliver of I-don't-know left, although I'm not telling him that.

I'm terrified to read the timeline. I suppose I don't have to. He can email it and I can never open it up. There was a time when I was eager to read this document but I'm in a very sad phase right now and I feel that it would just re-traumatize me.

How have other folks fared with this?

layla1234 posted 12/21/2019 18:29 PM

It's hard to say. I've had 3 timelines so far. Some things in them answer alot of questions and some things lead to new questions. Just prepare yourself for the worst. The third time my WH sent it, he sent it to my friend so she could preview it before me and prep me a little bit. I still don't know if I have the whole truth.

WhoTheBleep posted 12/21/2019 19:01 PM

I don't know, man. The timeline...unless it was ONE affair (or the only one BS finds out about), I just think of it as The Book of Lies.

There's no way STBX could have written a timeline. There were simply too many OW over too long a period of time. Even if he tried, I wouldn't get the actual truth. Esp with his cognitive distortions that I truly believe he can't control.

If you're feeling weak and traumatized, stick it in a folder and don't read it yet. If you decide to D, it may not matter.

skeetermooch posted 12/21/2019 19:32 PM

There's no way STBX could have written a timeline. There were simply too many OW over too long a period of time.

Same. Mine was into hookers and hook up sites and every other way to access a vagina so, I can't imagine how he could remember and reconstruct it all.

The main questions I have are if he had unpaid hookups/relationships and if they were with anyone I know, if he ever had intercourse - he insists he didn't (don't believe him and I want him to admit it) and when it all started.

It's highly doubtful he'd admit to any of this, even with the threat of the test. And, I have no intention of paying $500 to find out that he's still a liar. What's jacked is that he's such a POS he would actually let me pay for the lie detector test. If this were a few months ago, I would've done it too without much thought.

I was such a doormat.

I will definitely put it in a folder. I'm in no way ready to learn anything else about how he betrayed me.

Ifeelalone posted 12/21/2019 19:44 PM

My husband told me his timeline (65 encounters over a 10 year period)- some encounters had multiple people- so the body count is higher. It was at the beginning of this whole ordeal. It helped me realize how out of control and compulsive he is. He asked me if I wanted to look at it when he first disclosed- I didn’t want to.... I wasnt sure I wanted to see how many men he fucked or dicks he sucked because the timeline broke it down. Recently, when he left the house, I decided to look. It didn’t activate me the way I thought it would, really I just felt bad for him. It’s so sad when you love someone so much, they are so outwardly smart and handsome, and their brain doesn’t well. Sorry you are here. I think facts are good to know. You can only make decisions and move fwd once you can understand what you’re dealing with. Love and hugs

3greatkids posted 12/21/2019 21:01 PM

For me they (multiple versions) were just more lying, minimizing, trickle truth bullshit, so not hard to read at all since they were fiction. I hope you find peace and the answers you seek. I’m still working on accepting that 26 years of my life have Swiss cheese memory thanks to a remorseless POS cheater.

DashboardMadonna posted 12/21/2019 22:25 PM

Skeeter-

That is the most humiliating part about our stories...wondering if there are randoms at the club, company x-mas parties...that just scoff at the knowledge they fucked them, and feel as though they won a prize....of maybe one of the whores will come across him in public....just walking by knowing they fucked him, and believe we dont know. It isnt impossible.

As for a time line, you will hear it change 10xs over. As Bleep, stated....they fucking don't even know....although, if they are anything like a serial killer, they have amazing memories and they relive it, while masterbating to each one of them....perhaps collecting panties, dirty kleenex, recordings without permission... it is just as pathological.... please....anyone offering a free frontal lobe lobotomy?

Perhaps we will never know. For me, I gotta go. Hes made me feeling like expiring milk.... I havent any hard time attracting men (gotta keep reminding myself of this) and I'm not getting any younger...not that I'm interested, but my husband has proved that this all they interested in and I look a lot younger than my years. I'll be damned if I waste what's left of my vanity on a vampire that doesnt give two shits for my looks, let alone attention. How does a women get over feeling objectified by men, when her husband has done nothing but that with randoms? Being made to feel worthless for the color of my skin, while others fetishize it, the same way he did his whores? It's a mind fuck.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 10:54 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]

demolishedinside posted 12/22/2019 07:01 AM

I had a friend who knew everything read it first. Then she told me there was nothing new and I read it and was texting with her as i processed. She was and has always been a Godsend to me. Do you have anyone you can have look at it and support you through? Maybe even a therapist?

skeetermooch posted 12/22/2019 11:08 AM

Do you have anyone you can have look at it and support you through?

Thanks, DI. I do have one person who I think understands truly where I'm at. My other friends I've told, don't seem to grasp how excruciating this is. They've never been cheated on though.

How does a women get over feeling objectified by men, when her husband has done nothing but that with randoms?

Good question. How do you ever believe they love you for you and will keep loving you when you're no longer youthful or thin when all they do is chase other bodies?

The whole thought of doing a lie detector test - on my husband - sounds like I've lost my mind. If you have to do a test with electrodes and a stranger asking questions - and even then you're pretty sure he's going to lie, what is there even left to put back together???

And yes, I know women from his work have engaged in flirtations, cocktails, meals he took them out for - one of them completely stopped acknowledging me after they were on a work trip together - why would she act this way if she hadn't slept with him? She was quite friendly with me before.

For me they (multiple versions) were just more lying, minimizing, trickle truth bullshit

Yep, 3great - I know this is all I'm going to get from him. He's one of those people that if you don't have video surveillance footage of him in the act he will deny till the grave.

Muggle posted 12/23/2019 01:09 AM

If he gives you a timeline, you will always wonder if he told the truth. Confessions often paint the person confessing in a better light than the reality.

You will NEVER know for sure if the truth has been told. Nagging thoughts will invade any thoughts you have when triggered.

If he comes clean and you see the timeline, it will bring nothing but pain, and questions. The questions will bring endless cycles of upset, and attempts to rationalize the how and why.

There is no right or wrong path here. All roads lead to details you yearn to know, but will regret the moment you hear them. He's admitting that he hurt you, betrayed you, and nothing he says will make you feel better about the situation.

Lie detector tests will only focus on a few singular questions, it's not as specific as you would think. You can't just ask 20 random questions.

It's opening Pandora's box...literally. Nothing good happens from not knowing, and nothing good happens from knowing. It's a no win, other than to volunteer to hear that you didn't know your partner, they weren't trustworthy, or worthy of your love and devotion. They made a conscious choice to hurt you.

Be careful what you choose to do, it may bring a tide of feelings you aren't ready to face. Good luck on whatever you choose to do.

nekonamida posted 12/23/2019 08:44 AM

I think you should accept the timeline but don't put much faith in it. It will probably be full of lies and minimization. If you find that it is, don't bother with the polygraph. Just proceed with D knowing this was an attempt to distract you and manipulate you into R.

skeetermooch posted 12/23/2019 09:57 AM

Well, I received the timeline late last night and it leaves out a bunch of stuff, things I have on his credit cards etc. It was a slap dash attempt to get it done by the date promised with as little revealed as possible.

Nothing good happens from not knowing, and nothing good happens from knowing.

That about sums it up. If he filled in the gory details and included all of his acting out it might give the sense that he was truly on a path to change - but this vague bs he sent is just disappointing.

He's gross. He's really and truly a disgusting garbage person.

I was looking at old photos on my phone and there are several I took of him on his phone - one while we are out to dinner for Valentine's Day. The look on his face as he's gazing into the phone screen - creeps me out. He was probably setting up his escort dates with me across the table.