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How to find strength

Sickandafraid posted 12/22/2019 04:19 AM

I am new to this forum, posted my story recently on just found out.

I see no way to reconcile with my WH, which means we are on the path to divorce. But I am struggling. I am in such grief and constant anxiety that I can barely eat, sleep, function.

Trying to take care of our 3 kids, deal with the holidays, and play out/ talk about all the future logistics is more than I can bare. Additionally we did tell our kids we would be separating and likely divorcing, and did fill them in on the age appropriate ďwhyĒ, because 1) thereís no way to hide whatís going on when Iím crying most hours of the day 2) they heard part of the initial argument when I found out 3) Telling the truth is important rather than just saying ďit didnít work outĒ. They need to understand that marriage is a commitment to each other and to a family, one that we would never break unless there was basically no other choice. We put it as dad got involved with someone else, and thatís not ok in a marriage...there needs to be trust in a relationship for it to work, and dad has made decisions that hurt moms trust, and hurt mom, lots of times. He needs to work on himself and get better, and the best way to do that is apart.

But they are devastated too now, which makes me question if we shouldíve waited or handled differently. They donít give you an instruction manual on how to properly handle any single part of this, especially when it comes to the kids.

Iím just beside myself and donít know how to find the strength to actually start untangling a 13 year marriage with three kids involved. The kids are by far my biggest consideration and I want to keep things as stable as possible for them, but donít know how to do that. Everyone keeps telling me at a minimum I should stay in our house we just built, because we just literally built and moved into it last year this time. It was a big change for them at the time, moving houses and schools etc. to have to uproot them all over again into another living situation would be so much more awful. But... what if I canít afford to stay here? I can cover the payment and utilities etc... but not sure about the total picture of everything else.

I donít know. Iím all over the place and just a mess and need to know how to find the strength to move forward. Any encouragement you can offer would be so appreciated.

WhoTheBleep posted 12/22/2019 06:28 AM

First of all, I am sorry you are here.

See an attorney. Find out what your financial situation will be after divorce. Will you be entitled to child support? Will it be enough to stay in your house? Do you work? Will you be entitled to alimony? I understand the house thing. I left my husband a month moving our family across the country. I am still in the new house, but I am open to downsizing in the same neighborhood. If you find a house, more affordable, in the same school district, the kids will not have to leave their friends or school. You don't want to be house poor. A house is just a house. Wood, sheetrock insulation, etc.

For now, take half of everything in your bank accounts and put it into an account in your own name. Get the attorney consult.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:30 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

skeetermooch posted 12/22/2019 22:40 PM

I'm sorry you too are going through this. I can tell you are really at peak pain right now and trying to manage a lot of things. It gets better in fits and starts and this forum is a huge source of support and wisdom.

I generally don't believe in shielding kids once they've heard something - denying their reality just causes more anxiety.

Their devastation is a normal response to the trauma your husband has inflicted on the family. They will get through it in time. You didn't do anything wrong. Your WH did.

Whothebleep has good advice. An attorney will help you get your ducks in a row and answer some questions.

Bleu posted 12/23/2019 21:54 PM

It is unbelievably overwhelming. If you can remember that, maybe you can be proud of yourself for what you accomplish each day, week, etc.

I remember feeling incredibly overwhelmed in the beginning. I still feel overwhelmed at times. I want my kids to have everything they would have if we were married, maybe even more.

What has worked for me is putting one foot in front of the other every day. When I feel like it's too much, I keep putting one foot in front of the other.

On the roughest days, I make a list of the most important things to complete that day. Once they are done, it's usually time for me to go to bed. Lol.

So far, so good. The kids are happy. When we brought our tree home, I told them it would be me and them doing more things. The oldest one cheered. They recall the recent past of constant disagreement and angst.

They prefer the peace.


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