"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Cheatee posted 12/22/2019 08:01 AM

Five years ago, I found out why my wife of 19 years had been treating me like garbage for five months. She had said "Our marriage is basically over," "Im on a healing journey (AA) and you're wounded (had a career crisis, that I resolved without a day of joblessness)" and she spent five months enumerating my flaws and how she had outgrown me. Despite moments of her realizing that "we have really built something special, maybe we should work on keeping it..." the five months had been torturous, with her taking many evenings to "connect" with her "Healing Community" (AA).

Finally in mid-December 2014, against my ethics of privacy, I read her email that I had known I had access to for some time. I found emails, confronted her, got trickle truths, regret, a promise to work on things, and then a gradual backslide into acrimony and criticism while she still texted him many times a day.

A second confrontation, with the sword of Damocles that any deviation from truths I now knew (but wouldn't share) would instantly move to divorce, and she spilled her guts. It was awful. Yes, the actual antiversary wasn't until late January 2015, but the big initial discovery was five years ago.

Since then, we tried to reconcile (more aptly, I tried and she backslid. Among her behaviors during "reconciliation;"

* stalking me on this forum, to find avenues for starting raging arguments.
* breaking down after finding our daughter had been reading her emails with knowledge of everything that had gone down even before I did
* breakdown involved threatening suicide to our daughter's face, blaming her for her impulses.
* the suicide turned daughter's anger away from Mom and toward the safe parent (me).
* fomented and encouraged DD's anger toward me.
* proclaimed she had forgiven herself, and announced it with great pride, expecting me to join in her joy at the only milestone that seemed to matter to her
* went into a cruel mocking diatribe of my deepest vulnerabilities.

The last bullet was the last straw and I filled for divorce. Since then, she has been truly horrible, blaming me throughout the community for "dumping her" and ignoring what she now calls "my cry for help."

Even though she is a truly horrible ex, in terms of doing everything she can to poison my relationship with DD (who won't spent much time with me, as I retained the house which has "ghosts" in it), I AM ENORMOUSLY RELIEVED.

DD is finishing up college this spring and intends to stay in her college town (NYC, actually). Our relationship is getting much better, but still has wounds of her Mom's destruction. And DD in her own way has bought Mom's depiction that Dad (yours truly) abandoned Mom when she was at her most vulnerable.

Things are much better all around. I gave ex $200K to re-purchase the home and my pension. It is a custom built home with tons of windows, a music studio, a woodworking shop, on 3 acres on a ridge overlooking a beautiful river. I have an amazing GF who will be moving in shortly. We've upfit the house to our joint tastes and to remove ex's cooties.

Girlfriend is amazing. She's Ivy League smart, beautiful, fun, has been on a very similar marital/divorce journey, but most importantly she is emotionally competent. Really together.

My two older kids have moved nearby, with their spouses and kids, so I have three grandsons within 20 minutes. I plan on retiring in a few years and enjoying a break from non-stop working to support my family/families since 1972. I plan on playing lots of music, buildling furniture, teaching myself digital animation, playing with grandbabies and volunteering for one or more of my crazy left wing causes.

It gets better after divorce. I've seen this because IT'S A WHOLE LOT BETTER FOR ME.

Everytime my ex does something horrible via our daughter or a chance encounter with my GF, I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I am no longer intimately entangled with this deeply wounded mess.

Happy Holidaze and much love to those of you early in this journey.

WhoTheBleep posted 12/22/2019 09:50 AM

Wow, Cheatee, I loved reading every word of this. I see similarities between your ex, and my STBX. And similarities in our respective breaking points.

I'm so happy for you, and excited for your future. You have handled this with class, like a champ.

Life really is good.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:50 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

demolishedinside posted 12/22/2019 10:43 AM

I, too, loved reading this. You were one of those I felt went through this with me, beginning with the early days. My five year is in April. I am Slowly getting there, friend. I’m scared to death of the future, so reading how good you are doing is such a positive thing. I can’t wait to continue to see where you go!
Dem

J707 posted 12/22/2019 11:29 AM

Very inspiring! I know I'm not fully healed but

Everytime my ex does something horrible via our daughter or a chance encounter with my GF, I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I am no longer intimately entangled with this deeply wounded mess.

This! I've come to a point where I'm perfectly comfortable being by myself. Not having to deal with narcissistic abuse, with her wounded mess daily. What an amazing feeling! You give me hope for my future, thanks for writing this. I know I'll be writing something similar down the road.

Cheatee posted 12/22/2019 12:22 PM

I owe an enormous debt of gratitude for men and women of this forum who supported me through this sanity-questioning journey - Sometimes toughloving me, sometimes just straight up compassion, but mostly validating that, yes, I wasn't going crazy, that this, indeed is just awful, awful , hateful behavior, no matter how much someone you love(d) is trying to convince you that you are the cause of their behavior. I kind of knew her self destruction wasn't about me, but the verification of that was absolutely essential to my recovery, even as I know there are scars that will never heal.

I shudder to ponder where I would be without this forum.

whodidimarry posted 12/22/2019 20:35 PM

We started this journey around the same time. My Dday was February 2015 and I found this forum around April. I remember reading many of your posts and empathizing. I think I silently cheered you on when you finally had enough. I can't believe it's been 5 years.

Congrats on making it through to the other side of infidelity.

skeetermooch posted 12/22/2019 22:17 PM

Cheatee,

I didn't know where this post was going until I got to the end and whew, I'm am so happy you got out of that. She sounds severely ill and very skilled at mind games.

Reading these kinds of stories really helps me stay focused on getting out.

Thank you!

nekonamida posted 12/23/2019 08:48 AM

As someone who has followed you since your first post, this is the best update to read from you! You're doing amazing! Your life now sounds wonderful and so does the new GF. Congrats on thriving after this mess!

HalfTime2017 posted 12/23/2019 20:20 PM

Great update Cheatee. Better things are on the other side, not when you go looking for greener pastures, but b/c we take it upon ourselves to look deeper once you've seen the shit stains in your own yard.

This site has been a savior for me as well. People here just get it, and are so willing to help.

Peace and Happiness to you

Cheatee posted 12/24/2019 12:02 PM

Thanks, all!

My life is wonderful, although the scars of infidelity (twice - both times w children in the marriage) have definitely lingered. I’ve tried a bunch of therapists, all of whom just say I’m doing great. So, I’m slowly digging out of a malignant soul Cancer I caught from XWWs.

Still, the contrast between now and five years ago is Super reassuring.

BrokenheartedUK posted 12/24/2019 14:49 PM

This is an awesome update!! You’re doing great. You are about a year behind me timing wise. I’ll have my 6 year antiversary in early January. I think the 5 year mark is significant because of the 2-5 year timeline of healing that is often cited here.

You should be proud of how far you’ve come. And you’re truly free from your toxic marriage. #worthit