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Stuck

DoneIn posted 12/23/2019 01:03 AM

It's 2.5 years out from D-Day and I still cannot bring myself to be sexually aroused by my partner. I could be sexually aroused but it feels like not by him. It's not that I don't find him attractive. How many of you have suffered this? How long does it take to fix? We have been undergoing some really serious counseling but it hasn't cracked this self imposed abstinence of mine. Thanks for reading and thanks for your help.

The1stWife posted 12/23/2019 03:02 AM

You are protecting yourself from being vulnerable to your partner again. You fear if you expose yourself again to him with a deeper emotional connection, then you will possibly be hurt again if the cheating occurs again.

DoneIn posted 12/23/2019 10:40 AM

Any advice on how to stay safe and get unstuck? I really do not want his behavior to Define my limits in life.

cancuncrushed posted 12/23/2019 23:01 PM

I felt this way. Mind movies. My Xwh never did any work. In fact. Continued to cheat. He Saw no problems with cheating.

So my lack of desire came from many places. I had zero respect for him. He wasnít who I thought he was. I knew where those body parts had been. He was exposing me.

I do find him very attractive. So do Ow. I resent him for being so handsome. And careless about it. He uses it. I felt zero sexually. He was a monster. Itís odd to be attracted to him.

He had every opportunity to R. He never felt a threat to quit
He realized I was no longer attracted to him. It bothered him. I was replaced again

Im glad he saw that. It was real. I just couldnít He never expected anyone to feel that. I feel this way more and more. Iíve seen him recently. He is still handsome. We could have R Itís on him.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 7:02 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]

sisoon posted 12/24/2019 10:49 AM

Your tagline says 'attempting R.' What's holding you back from going all in, including sexually?

DoneIn posted 12/25/2019 07:40 AM

This is something i wrote to him... regarding a hot tub he purchased for me or maybe I should say more accurately for us...

I have a problem this hot tub has brought right to the front and center. It's why I didn't want it.

There's no denying that of the thousands of virtual and real Partners you have chosen.. massage parlors, pornography, lap dancers, whatever, none of them were me. Nobody who remotely looked like me would have been chosen from a lineup ...you would have walked out before choosing someone of my age or my build or my look.

I'm not 20. I'm not beautiful. And I absolutely was not chosen.

So no I do not want to bare myself to you. It's painful to even think about. I have never felt this way before in my life.

I really don't want the hot tub and that's the underlying reason. I just want it to disappear.


OwningItNow posted 12/25/2019 07:44 AM

We have been undergoing some really serious counseling

It sounds like he had many random and anonymous type hook ups, so why are "we" doing counseling? This is his very deep, very serious issue. Why are you staying with him? What has he done to make you feel safe and chosen?

DoneIn posted 12/25/2019 11:19 AM

Thank you.. random...yes. 20 year old massage parlor hookers and lap dancers. He is going to counseling he is doing men's groups and reading and paid for us to go to an intensive. I have done quite a bit of individual counseling and he has done quite a bit more. He reassures me by staying in close contact when he is out of town or even leaving the property for anything. We don't live together anymore he lives on the same property as me. We share a farm. I guess he hasn't done all that much because most of what he is doing now is very recent since the Intensive early November. So I guess I don't feel very special or safe or protected or chosen. I discount everything he tells me now. If you believe the lie detector test he has not faltered in two and a half years. The damage is incredible. So many layers.

I wonder if I will ever feel good about my physical body ever again in my life. It isn't a problem I had in the past.

Why am I staying with him? We share a farm and we have an entangled life if not for that I would have been long gone. There were a lot of things that we enjoyed together and were good at together. I thought I had everything and I had nothing. I guess I'm still reeling.

[This message edited by DoneIn at 11:22 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 12/25/2019 11:24 AM

I can understand your reluctance now. A few questions and thoughts in response ...

Do you believe that some older men are turned on by their older Ws?

Is there anything that would tell you your H is turned on by you?

Most important:

1) Do you see yourself as sexually desirable?

2) If not, what do you need to do to see yourself as sexually desirable?

IDK ... young woman can be beautiful in ways old women can't be. Youth has a beauty all its own. Don't think I minimize that.

I know my own sitch is unusual because of the length of time we've been together. My W is special to me partly because of that. At the same time, some women my age look pretty good to me, and I'm confident that our conversation would be much richer and more satisfying that would be likely with a 20- or 30- or 40- or 50- or 60-something. YMMV, of course.

And then there are the younger men who see the beauty of older women....

But in a real sense, it starts with you, IMO. I think you need to see yourself as sexy - and with the power to accept or reject your WSO (or did up get married?).

DoneIn posted 12/25/2019 22:51 PM

I think people who have their heart involved stay attracted to each other through that heart attachment. I know a couple who have managed it. They say sex is better now at 70 + than it ever was in their younger years! So there is hope for me if I can find the right partner. I would not pick my partner from a lineup. He's no Chippendale. Physically I believe I could do much better on my bad days. Most of you men fail to see how completely unattractive your bodies are. I guess prostitutes don't care about that. EsI would have had an active sex life with him ... would not have focused on his Beijing physical form ...if he wasn't using it all in massage parlors with 20 year olds. With him, I am sabotaged by what I know to be his choices which were never me or anybody like me. I'm nothing like a foreign massage parlor tart, and now I'm nothing like I was before D-Day. So...much...damage.

[This message edited by DoneIn at 8:35 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

LLXC posted 12/26/2019 00:05 AM

Ive said this before and I'll say this again. Towards the end of my relationship, I could not bring myself to have sex with my ex. And he was so...he had thos 6 pack like whoa. My body knew i was not safe with him before i did.

Your body is telling you that you do not feel safe with him. Until you feel safe with him, dont have sex. And it is up to him to make you feel safe. And you need to ask yourself what he can do to make you feel safe.

DevastatedDee posted 12/26/2019 07:48 AM

There's no denying that of the thousands of virtual and real Partners you have chosen.. massage parlors, pornography, lap dancers, whatever, none of them were me. Nobody who remotely looked like me would have been chosen from a lineup ...you would have walked out before choosing someone of my age or my build or my look.

This damage is the cruelest thing you can do to your wife, IMO. I can relate to this. I told my XWH that it was like how he'd feel if I were cheating on him with men with massive penises. How easy would sex be for him after that? I threw away all my lingerie after DDay and I don't know that I could even put any on now that I'm single. I felt like I'd been such a joke to him, thinking I looked sexy while he was purchasing 20-year-olds. I may forgive him one day for being a complete fucked up mess, but this particular issue is one that I doubt I'll ever have it in me to forgive. I went from being happy that I looked good for my age to for the first time in my life to actually being bothered by the fact that I had aged. I had dodged that insecurity up until that moment.

I unfortunately have no advice on how to get past it, but you have my empathy on this one.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 7:49 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

3greatkids posted 12/26/2019 08:02 AM

Knowing I was his last choice (well not really, he refused to sleep with me to be with the others) has destroyed any attraction. Have tried a few times, but heís revolting to me now. Ugh. Thereís no getting past how ugly of a person he chooses to be.

And after a lifetime of his betrayals and cruelty, and as a sexual assault survivor, I know Iíll not find a healthy sexual relationship in my lifetime. He destroyed any chance of safety or trust.

DoneIn posted 12/26/2019 08:27 AM

3great luck is when preparation meets opportunity. I have a friend, for 50 years, and she has been through the worst of the worst including early life sexual and physical abuse, her mother died when she was nine. Her husband molested her daughter. She lived 10 years after that with a narcissist who became abusive and hostile. She is now ten years into the best relationship of her life and she is in her early 70s. She adores her best friend and tells me that sex just gets better and better. There's Hope for any of us who have a hopeful attitude and do the work. Keep praying keep learning keep trusting God.

[This message edited by DoneIn at 8:29 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

nekonamida posted 12/26/2019 08:39 AM

Why am I staying with him? We share a farm and we have an entangled life if not for that I would have been long gone. There were a lot of things that we enjoyed together and were good at together. I thought I had everything and I had nothing. I guess I'm still reeling.

These are all things you can tackle and work out. You're not stuck. You can downsize your farm, sell off livestock, and use a lawyer to untangle your life with him. It will take some work but it's better than strapping yourself to his sinking ship for the rest of your life.

This is a tough situation when it comes to what you're asking. It's been over 2 years and your feelings aren't changing. Is that because of something he's doing wrong or because this is a deal breaker for you? He can potentially fix something he's doing wrong but you can't accept the unacceptable and expect to get a different result here. A sexless marriage with someone who is very high risk of using that as an excuse to cheat more is no way to live. You deserve better.

DoneIn posted 12/26/2019 08:44 AM

Dear neko.... you are so very right. I have been struggling with giving up this dream and hoping he would just leave. He says he will leave when he feels there is no hope. I don't think he'll ever feel that. Your post made me understand that what I need to do is get away from this place. That doesn't mean I have to move but maybe I can find another place to spend most of my time. I can always come back deal with the horses the way I need to and do what it takes to keep my livelihood going. But maybe I can find another place that i like just as much or more. I think I'll start hunting for that. Anything is Possible.

[This message edited by DoneIn at 8:46 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

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