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Phcj123 (original poster member #71603) posted at 12:51 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2019
So it has been 3 1/2 months since husband cheated and left me for the other girl. We now have joint custody of a16 month old and I just gave him the divorce papers.
I have been feeling pretty good lately. Not really any feelings left for him and enjoying being single and my new life. We have been getting along well. He gave me a Xmas card yesterday thanking me for being a good mom and saying he hopes to continue working on our relationship for our child.
Now I am thinking I have been too nice to him. I guess basically I don’t want him to think that I am over what he did. I am over him but when I think of what he did to me and my son it’s disgusting. I do tend to forgive too easily. What can I do to make it known to him that I don’t like him and am not okay with what he did ?
hdybrh ( member #69288) posted at 1:15 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2019
Year one is a roller coaster for most. Just my take is feel what you feel. You don’t have to force anger or forgiveness. Focusing on your well being and your sons well being is all that matters. If you end up with an amicable relationship with your ex that’s good for you and your son. But at a few months you may still get walloped with emotions unexpectedly. If there’s one thing SI is good at showing is that everyone’s situation is different. If you’re in a good spot embrace it.
[This message edited by hdybrh at 7:16 AM, December 27th (Friday)]
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 3:34 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2019
IMO nothing you say or do will make him “get it”.
He doesn’t “care” that what he did was wrong. He only cares about himself.
I don’t think you forgave him. I think you accepted that there was no other choice. There is a difference.
Remain cool and indifferent to him.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 3:55 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2019
You can tell him exactly what you said here. You are being civil for the sake of your child. Other than that, you want nothing to do with him.
Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life
Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 4:00 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2019
I guess basically I don’t want him to think that I am over what he did. I am over him but when I think of what he did to me and my son it’s disgusting.
The others are right in that he is unlikely to "get it" without some serious work on himself.
And something you need to remember--he has lost any rights to know how you feel. Why would you want to share any feelings (even if they are that he is pond scum) with him?
So I wouldn't really tell him anything. He's a Wayward, and a lot of times that means he'll believe what makes him feel best about himself, which is likely something that isn't close to truth at all.
If he continues to push at your boundaries in this way, inform him that your relationship is one of parents to this child only and you have no interest in making that any different.
Cat
FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:11 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2019
Keep your conversation limited to your son and to finances.
Check out this thread: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080
I don't ordinarily think of D papers as with forgiveness. Being civil may be on the road to forgiveness, but it's not very far along. Just sayin'....
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 4:24 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2019
He gave me a Xmas card yesterday thanking me for being a good mom and saying he hopes to continue working on our relationship for our child.
Great.
Do you know what he would think if you had been cold and angry and vengeful?
"See how she is?! She has issues. Lots of anger problems, never happy. I have no idea how I made it as long as I did!"
Get it, it will never be about him. He won't ever allow that thinking to bring him and his selfish "happiness" down. Keep living your best, happiest life and thank your lucky stars you are done with him. His selfishness will continue to cause him problems, but he will always blame other people. You can't change that.
me: BS/WS h: WS/BS
Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.
HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 4:30 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2019
Now I am thinking I have been too nice to him. I guess basically I don’t want him to think that I am over what he did. I am over him but when I think of what he did to me and my son it’s disgusting. I do tend to forgive too easily. What can I do to make it known to him that I don’t like him and am not okay with what he did ?
Whatever you do, just be honest about it. It sounds like you are coming out the other side of this in great shape, and I’d hate to see you choose to be angry and closed off with your child’s father just to send a message, i.e., to manipulate him.
Sit down with him and just plain tell him, you don’t like him and are not OK with what he did, in case he was confused in some way.
But I like this advice...from Catwoman
And something you need to remember--he has lost any rights to know how you feel. Why would you want to share any feelings (even if they are that he is pond scum) with him?
So I wouldn't really tell him anything.
DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver
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