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Mistress is Pregnant

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IWMWWCT1920 posted 1/5/2020 14:44 PM

So my husband cheated with a co worker and she is expecting a baby with him this year. To say devastation is the only feelings would be a lie. Nonetheless, I'm just trying to take care of me and move along day by day. It's sad because she knew he was married, (hell everyone at work knew) and she has know it for the last two years. He confessed that in a heated argument, she said she wanted a child by him and it's a blessing and that is that.

Now my anger is not with her, but I am disappointed that as a woman she seemed to work so hard, (with his help) to ensure she had him in her life and destroy another woman. She seems happy as can be with her upcoming child. He on the other hand is not, but what do you expect with situations as such. She seems to take every opportunity to remind him of this pregnancy as she has had to do it all alone.

I've always wondered how a person can have an affair and not use protection. It's bad enough to cheat, but is that person so special and you get caught up so "in love" that you son't even consider diseases or pregnancies. Does your wife and family mean absolutely nothing to you that you would risk it all?

Sad...he thought they were on the same page, since she knew upfront about his marriage. How dumb of him to assume at some point a person would not become so emotionally involved that they would not want a permanent relationship. Some days it doesn't even seem real at all. Of course...he is miserable at any thought of divorce.

pearlamici posted 1/5/2020 15:00 PM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Betrayal is devastating but I can not even imagine when a pregnancy is involved. Other posters will be along with good advice. All I can say is focus on taking care of yourself (eat small meals, keep hydrated). And read the healing library (look in the upper left hand corner).

MickeyBill2016 posted 1/5/2020 16:10 PM

Since affairs often take place in unicorn land your cheating husband and his AP, Sidepiece or GF (mistress is much too classy a term) didn't want reality to intrude on the tru luv, so no condoms.
Now he is a dad and a will be a provider for a child for 18 years. Do you have kids of your own, will they be involved with their new sister? Do you have a plan? Does he want to "do the right thing" and take responsibility or will he say he was "tricked"?

Are you going to stay together?
How old are the 2 of you?
How long married?
Many men would D if their W was knocked up by another man, I don't know how BW feel about their H having kids with an AP, probably about the same I'd guess.

Do you have a plan to get through this?

You will get a bunch of advice on SI. Some good some not.

SilverStar posted 1/5/2020 16:18 PM

I'm so sorry for the troubles brought to innocent people - you and a baby - by 2 cheaters.

In the I Can Relate forum there is a thread for people dealing with "OC" (other child/ren). That would be a place to start for you, along with the Healing Library.

I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and living life day by day. It's all you can do. Soon, you should see a lawyer to find out your rights and your husband's obligations to the OC. You need to see what D looks like, if a post-nuptial agreement is warranted if you R, and what child support and custody issues are on the horizon.

SMSA925 posted 1/5/2020 18:36 PM

First of all, I am so so sorry this has happened to you. Its a horrible betrayal and no matter what you decide to do, it will take along time to recover. Years. Dont even try to rush it.

Now, get yourself to an attorney tomorrow. You need to make sure you and your children are protected first, before any financial claims from this new situation. She who files first, wins! Your WH is screwed, No matter what, he is on the hook for Child support for at least 18 yrs. Could be more. Also, make sure he does not accept paternity until he gets a DNA test.

Oy! What a mess. Take care of #1. Good luck

ArkLaMiss posted 1/5/2020 18:47 PM

File for child support IMMEDIATELY. If she files first, she will get the lions share. File regardless of whether you're staying or leaving him. ESPECIALLY if you don't know whether or not you're staying. Also HE could be planning to leave you for her, so he who files first gets more in child support. File NOW.

fareast posted 1/5/2020 19:53 PM

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Your WH is so supremely selfish at the expense of your health and happiness. The others are correct. Get to an attorney ASAP and file for child support immediately to protect you and your children. Read in the healing library. Take care of you and your family. Good luck.

ShutterHappy posted 1/6/2020 05:14 AM

Your WH showed poor judgment by having an affair, so he will have poor judgment and he wonít use condoms.

Itís like saying... An home intruder broke in my house and stole my TV. Why didnít he remove his shoes in the foyer and didnít leave a thank you note?

I agree with the others... protect your children from his poor judgment, consult with a lawyer.

hopefullife posted 1/6/2020 06:36 AM

My dear... I can't begin to say just how pained I am by your post. I can never imagine having someone else experience the same devastation I am going through.

Please, think very hard of how you want your life to go on. But while thinking, consult an attorney at once. Protect yourself and your kids, if you have any. It doesn't matter if you R or D, but know your rights.

Now he may be regretful, but how remorseful? Please do not be complacent should you decide to R with this man. My POSH tried to get me to stay with him until he left me for the OW and their kid 3 months later, a second betrayal is even more damaging. My POSH is not your H, but do not get yourself in the position where he has the upperhand. Do not tolerate anything less than 100% of his dedication to you. I'd say D him now, but the decision is yours especially when there are kids involved.

Read on. We are all here to help you.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/6/2020 10:26 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation.

She wanted a baby in order to hook him and reel him in. He's now obligated to her for the next 18 years and the child for life. He may tell you he's not happy with the upcoming child but I'd suspect that he's not being honest. I'd suspect he's just mirroring your disdain so you don't berate him further.

I'm sure that he's miserable at the thought of divorce because of the financial hardship it'll place him in. He was doing well with his family and a side piece. Now it's in the open and he's considering the financial condition he'll be in if you blow his popsicle stand open and how life will be if he's forced to live with the clingy side piece.

My ex had unprotected sex with her OM too. She even knew he had genital herpes but she was so 'in love' she did it anyway. Now she gets to live with it too. I have to give it to the OM for at least being honest about his infectious baggage beforehand. The last I heard she isn't informing her partners of her infection.

Lalagirl posted 1/6/2020 10:31 AM

Has a DNA test been performed? He should not give her one f'ing dime until paternity is confirmed.

TooManyCliches posted 1/6/2020 10:52 AM

Iím so sorry youíre going through this. Iíve been terrified of this happening since I found out. My WH says they always used protection, but I know I canít 100% trust that was true. And while he said his AP never asked him to leave me for her, itís pretty clear that she was hoping for it (and hinting in subtle and not-so-subtle ways), and would not have put it past her to have gotten pregnant on purpose to force a choice.

IWMWWCT1920 posted 1/6/2020 18:26 PM

We have four of our own and the youngest is 19 so no little ones. Itís sad all the way around that at 50 this man was so selfish to not only cheat, but get so comfortable to not use protection. Another poster made sense as to why I would think a cheater would have any type of consciousness and use a condom. Them working together made it so easy to have an affair. All I was doing was working and coming home making sure I tended to what I thought was my family. Meanwhile as I slept at night they got lost in this ďrelationshipĒ.

Funny...he was so angry only because I know he doesnít like to look bad. His friends and family will look at him crazy starting over at 50. They donít even see him as that type of person, even though most of his friends are. He feels she trapped him because he knew she was on the pill. None of that matters because she decided she wanted a child. In a way, he decided too by not even caring enough to not even be in that situation. Did he think a girl 20 years younger, would not want to settle down with a man, she already knows has a good job. I have seen her many times at the job, when I have brought him lunch. She has even spoke to me, so she knew he was married. She didnít care because he didnít.

He thought he was safe with a person who was doing her own thing and knew he was married. Well apparently she stopped doing her own thing and it was all about him. He foolishly is taking her word that she wonít petition for child support. I told him heís a fool if he believes that. When she sees after all of that, he has no intention of a relationship with her, child support it will be.

She is trying to get him to be comfortable as not to risk him not ending up with her. I wish them all the luck with that. I hope she gets her happy ending, because if she doesnít he will catch hell....itís coming trust itís coming soon! With all the shenanigans that have been pulled since the pregnancy...I see it not ending well for him at all,

fareast posted 1/6/2020 18:47 PM

The most important thing is to continue to take care of yourself. Ge into IC for you. Ea5 healthy. Exercise. Get out with friends. Detach from your WH so you ca; heal. I assume he still works with the OW and would never quit his job and find a new one, correct? So he will continue to see the OW. Is that something you want to live with? See an attorney to learn your rights. Take your time to process the emotional trauma. You are in control. Decide what you want. Good luck.

whattheh posted 1/6/2020 19:20 PM

Sounds like she entrapped him. Women can be more fertile right after they go off the pill. Has his opinion of her soured after this stunt?

I'm very sorry you find yourself in this very difficult situation but I'm glad you have found SI.

[This message edited by whattheh at 7:24 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

Phoenix1 posted 1/6/2020 19:28 PM

Sorry you find yourself here, but glad you found us. Sadly, many of us have found ourselves in your shoes (read my tag line). There is a wealth of information in The Healing Library on the left, and you will get a lot of advice. We like to tell people to take what you can use and leave the rest as no two situations are the same.

Focus on yourself, your kids, and where you want to go from here. There's no right or wrong, only what is right for you.

We're here to lean on along the way.

((IWMWWCT1920)) <---those are hugs

Snapdragon posted 1/6/2020 19:43 PM

He foolishly is taking her word that she wonít petition for child support. I told him heís a fool if he believes that.

Yep, he's definitely a fool! She will file immediately after the paternity test confirms that he's the father. Please separate all finances from him. While she cannot go after your income, stranger things have happened in the court system.

I'm sorry this is happening. This site is instrumental in support for so many. Stick around.

KaleidoscopePic posted 1/6/2020 19:47 PM

I am so sorry this has happened. My ex H reunited with someone from high school on FB. We had two kids and he told me that he hadn't been happy in 6 years (oldest was 6) and the last 3 years felt like 1000 years (youngest was 3). She told him she could not get pregnant, so he saw her as a get out of responsibility card. He left us and married her, and she was pregnant within three months of getting married. He was not happy. What he thought was a dream life free of kids ended up being a nightmare.

What are your thoughts at this time? Are you willing to consider R? If you are then I strongly suggest MC. If you are seriously considering D, then I strongly encourage IC. This is an awful lot to deal with, and a counselor can help you get past the overwhelming emotions to look at the situation objectively and help to make wise decisions. If you two do decide to try to make a go of it, I still recommend IC in addition to MC, because there are things that are going to come up that you won't want to address in MC. This is too big with too many challenges to try to go it alone without someone to talk to who can help you process what is happening.

I have a cousin whose wife cheated on him and got pregnant by a married man. My cousin separated from her for a time, and the married man and his wife left the state, so when the baby came my cousin's wife had no one to turn to. She started asking my cousin for more and more help (like you my cousin and his wife had four children of their own). Finally my cousin reconciled with his wife and raised the baby as his own. In his words, it was not the baby's fault. He was an innocent victim. My cousin got back with his wife for two years, before she had another affair on him, and at that point they divorced. But he still raised the other man's baby as his own. In fact, that boy lives with my cousin; he moved in with my cousin after the divorce and in his eyes my cousin is his father. If you do decide to reconcile, I know it is going to be hard, especially if your h plays an active role in the child's life. But just remember: it is not that child's fault. The child is not to blame and is an innocent party in all of this.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it is terribly hard. I really hope you will reach out for counseling no matter what decision you make.

IWMWWCT1920 posted 1/6/2020 19:51 PM not the word. The one person he was willing to risk everything for, became the most manipulative, conniving, and sad person. As if he has room to talk. He had the nerve to feel betrayed by her. Kept talking about how could it happen, she was taking the pill. Isnít that a bunch of nerves. You participate in destroying your marriage with a willing participant and then feel betrayed. What did he even expect from a woman who knew you was married.

There is no honor among thieves. She has the nerve to paint herself as a victim because he all but disappeared on her during this time. What did she expect from a man cheating on his wife. She had to constantly be the one initiating contact and each time she had some type of story. She would go from, being apologetic to him for Participating in causing a devastation to the marriage, to all kinds of threats next. Then after the threats, then comes the apologies and baby pictures and updates of doctor appointments. Then weeks of no contact and it starts all over. Just an all around crazy situation. you want to tell me everything about thank you. They both enjoyed a laugh at my expense but itís fine.

I blame him for it all...I feel sadness for her at the same time. You were determined to hold on to a married man at all costs. Which says there was some brokenness to start. My heart goes out to her. My friend says, I shouldnít feel one ounce for her because she felt absolutely nothing for me and my family. In fact, it seemed the more she saw my marriage was still there..the harder she fought for it not to be. Well...she will see that sometimes what we think we want...isnít what it appears.

When I think of him doing this after 30 years I get so angry. He had the nerve to say she came in the affair talking about how she had been cheated on, but had no problem doing it to another woman...really?

Adlham posted 1/6/2020 20:25 PM

I would still check with lawyers in your state about child support if your 19yo is going to college.

My ex had to pay support to my daughter until she was 21 because she was still going to school.

It might not seem like a big deal, but it could be and definitely worth looking into.

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