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People who knew while it was happening

TooManyCliches posted 1/10/2020 19:55 PM

Were there any? How has it affected your relationship with them?

My WH told two people what he was doing - his best friend, and his mother. Neither ever met the OW, or actively covered for him while he was with her, and both apparently tried to talk sense in it and convince him to end it. But neither ever said anything to me.

His friend has at least been extremely supportive since I found out - talking him through staying committed in the first few days post d-day, when he was still in the ďfog,Ē talking to me frequently (and honestly) when I wasnít sure how to interpret where I stood with WH, and apologizing for not having been a better friend to me over the past several months (while admitting that he didnít know what heíd do if faced with the situation again - he is fiercely loyal to my husband, who has also supported him through a lot). And his wife, who is a friend of mine as well, did not know, which made me feel a little better - I would have been more hurt if she had known and not told me. And she ambushed my WH and screamed at him for over an hour on my behalf (unsolicited) when she found out, which I sort of appreciated when I was feeling to hurt and broken to yell.

As for my mother-in-law... I understand why she didnít tell me. She has always made it clear she thinks Iím the best thing that ever happened to her son, and Iím sure she thought I would leave him if I knew, and was hoping heíd end it and Iíd never find out. BUT I know he told her the affair was over after d-day, which was a month ago, and that I had found out, and was going to try to give him a second chance. And Iíve seen her several times since then. So it really bothers me that she hasnít said anything to me, even just to ask if Iím ok, or to apologize for not having told me. Weíve always had a great relationship, and I feel like Iím owed that much. But also probably not worth confronting her over it.

Not sure what Iím looking for here. Just one of the many uncomfortable pieces of this whole mess that have no good answers. If they had supported or enabled him, it would have been worse. But I also know that if either had felt enough loyalty to me to say something months ago, before the EA became physical, maybe weíd be in a very different place by now.

ShatteredSakura posted 1/10/2020 20:09 PM

Blocked or NC every last one of them.

he is fiercely loyal to my husband

I think loyalty and honor go hand in hand. That was not very honorable to hide your WH's secrets, same for the MIL. If you were the best thing to happen to him, they should've metaphorically slapped some sense into him and if that didnt work, go to you.

Dispirited posted 1/11/2020 20:44 PM

I think loyalty and honor go hand in hand. That was not very honorable to hide your WH's secrets, same for the MIL. If you were the best thing to happen to him, they should've metaphorically slapped some sense into him and if that didnt work, go to you.

Ditto- I've been there before. Those who are aware and yet are tight-lipped never gain any respect from me.

sassylee posted 1/11/2020 21:16 PM

All my husbandís coworkers knew but none of them knew me and they were a motley bunch so no surprise there.

However, he told his best friend and his father. His best friend told him he was making a mistake and to end it. He destroyed his own marriage with a very similar affair. He knew the fallout. He never told me though. He told my H never to use him as an alibi as he wouldnít cover for him and he stopped coming by. After I found out, he came to me and he apologized for not telling me. I think itís really hard for people to know the right thing to do if they havenít been on the betrayed side of things. I forgive him but he ended his friendship with my husband around then. Just stopped coming by and reaching out. He ignored my husbands calls with no explanation.

My FIL. Well, my husband told him at a party he hired my husband to work at. Itís was busy and a lot of fun so my FIL simply told him to keep it in his pants and went back to the party. That hurt me a lot. I mean, my husband was having an EA (which he wanted very much to be PA) and his grandchildrenís lives were about to be upended and he gives him that glib advice and then never brings it up again? I didnít expect my FIL to tell me, but he could have fought for me a little harder KWIM? My BIL knew as well but heís a cheating misogynist himself. He was likely rooting for the affair.

I didnít cut my FIL out or anything, but he was knocked down a few pegs. I thought he was a noble man...integrity. Meh - not so much.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:18 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]

hopefullife posted 1/12/2020 02:44 AM

My husband's entire family knew. His business partners, his employees, his friends, knew. I was kept in the dark for a really long time. I think about the times I talked to them about my husband being away for business when they actually really knew he was just with his mistress.

They had a hand in all the lies and deceit, they should have pushed my husband to tell me, especially his family who told me I'm their sister and daughter. I'm not that angry with them, I understand it wasn't their secret. But I can't help but feel I want them to be involved in the aftereffects. It's about learning a lesson that you don't tolerate what's wrong. I'm cutting them off my life and only talk to them when necessary. I certainly don't trust them anymore.

OwningItNow posted 1/12/2020 04:19 AM

Just my two cents, but I think you will feel better if you speak honestly to your MIL. She needs to know how hurt you are that she could hide something like this from you. I think if you speak honestly to these two people, you'll feel somewhat better.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 4:20 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

Crushed7 posted 1/12/2020 10:00 AM

I've advised others, typically within the context of sports and career, that "Failure doesn't define you -- it is what you do with it that does." I believe it has application here too.

If a friend/family memberdoesn't tell that they know, that isn't very caring and I'd certainly consider it a failure. Post Dday, if a friend/family member hurts you further or sides against you, I'd consider that a failure too. The question becomes what they do from that point forward -- do they apologize and change their actions or do they continue on?

In my case, nobody positively knew about the A, but some had very strong suspicions with some good reasons. I wasn't told and after Dday none of them reached out to me, so. I take those actions as reflective of the depth/quality of the friendship (i.e. it is near non-existent in my estimation). The AP was a neighbor and after Dday my in-laws opposed my position that we needed to move and actively tried to align my kids against me. It created a huge rift between us and while they haven't been actively against me, they continue to have a self-centered focus and a tendency to try to manipulate (anyone, not just me). Given that they never really changed where it matters, my relationship with them now is absolutely minimal and very strained.

In your situation, it sounds like your WH's BF sees his error and has taken steps to do right by you. And your MIL was trying to do the right thing in her advice to your WH and the issue now is not knowing how to break the ice and talk with you. I agree with OwningItNow -- since she is having trouble, take the first step and open up the lines of communication.

sisoon posted 1/12/2020 10:12 AM

If a friend told me he was cheating, I'd encourage the friend to end the A and come clean, but my loyalty is to my friend. I may cut him off, especially if he stays in the A, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't tell the WS, unless my primary loyalty/closer friendship was to the WS.

Louisianalisa posted 1/12/2020 12:40 PM

My WH's best friend thought that the affair was just an EA only. He told WH to turn his attention back to me and put the OW in his past (which did not happen).

Granted, WH's best friend didn't know the entire story, but I wish he had at least told me what he did know. Partial truth would have been better than being in the complete dark for so long and being played a fool.

WH's best friend still does not know the affair was sexual. I have thought about telling him so that WH's reputation would be ruined in his friend's eyes. I fantasize sometimes about sending an email to WH's best friends telling them all about the affair. But an act of revenge like that feels wrong to me. Besides, they'll all probably just draw their own false mysongynistic conclusions that I am the one to blame.

I don't have any contact with his BF, nor do I want to. He lives miles away so gratefully I don't cross paths with him.

[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 12:46 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

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