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Relationship after dday?

Brew3x posted 1/11/2020 18:45 PM

Hello,

Iím curious, Iíve heard a lot of people refer to the relationship as being broken, destroyed, the deal is over after the discovery if the affair all types of references to destruction. People often refer to starting over from the ground up. Iím 3 months out from dday and Iím still trying to survey the damage Iím really not sure whatís left , I feel numb not sure what to feel. Can someone try to help me understand the damage it caused from their experience, one minute Iím like I love her but increasingly I feel like F her. Iím not sure there is any thing left to rebuild.

Mene posted 1/11/2020 19:10 PM

3 months in is too early. It takes 2-5 years to overcome such a betrayal. Infidelity is one big trauma for the betrayed spouse. Give yourself more time.

Brew3x posted 1/11/2020 20:09 PM

I understand 3 months is early, I was asking if someone could help me understand the damage they an A causes. It feels like someone I loved through a Grenade at me and Iím in pieces like can we fix this

crazyinlove1995 posted 1/11/2020 22:24 PM

A grenade is pretty accurate description.
I felt tons of things.After 20 years of marriage you think crushes and crap like that is over. You are gonna feel like shit/great/exhausted/excited/maybe horny/numb/sick etc.You are just getting ready for probably the shittiest thing you've ever dealt with..But we have to..Get a STD Test immediately.
Drink Water stay away from alcohol if you drink..Read here. Good luck
Peace

whoami62 posted 1/12/2020 08:03 AM

Two plus years out and I am still feeling the effects of the emotional damage done to me.

We have worked hard , mostly my H , but it's still a very hard path to go down.

The1stWife posted 1/12/2020 08:57 AM

The damage is:

You feel like you have been hit by a 2x4 - blindsided.

You feel like the rug was pulled out from under you.

You now have trust issues. Not just with the cheater but you may start to question everyone. You then start to feel abandoned b/c your confidence is shaken. Thatís just the beginning.

You physically have been impacted. Canít eat or sleep. Cry often. Can hardly function.

Mentally you obsess over the AP. The affair consumes your thoughts 24/7. You try to make sense out of a situation that makes no sense. You may be in the mode of trying to reconcile but the cheater continues the affair.

Basically you get up and try to survive the day.

sassylee posted 1/12/2020 09:28 AM

The cruelest part of the affair, is they relied on - COUNTED ON - our blind faith and trust in them in order to be successful in their affair. The affair created dual realities for us, the life we thought we were living and the truth of what was really going on. The affair damages us so badly - we no longer trust ourselves - our instincts and judgements.

So after dday, we need badly to repair that trauma. It goes much deeper than repairing the marriage. It shakes our foundation. It reminds me of The Truman Show. Jim Carey learns his entire life is a lie, conjured up and fabricated for a hidden audience whoís been watching him on TV since birth. Our lives arenít complete fabrications after the affair but it feels like it could be because we stop trusting ourselves.

I read through your past posts Brew. You are taking some blame for creating a crisis in your marriage. This is common. If itís partly your fault, then you have some control over preventing this injury in the future. CONTROL is seductive after dday. Weíve lost all control over lives through no fault of our own. Being a bad husband doesnít cause affairs. Your wifeís poor coping mechanisms did. Bad spouse = marriage counselling. Bad spouse = divorce. Affairs = Selfishness. Affairs = conflict avoidance.

So after dday, before you can heal the marriage, you have to heal the personal trauma the affair caused to the BS. Has your wife read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair? Have you read it? Thereís also an excellent article pinned to the top of the wayward forum. I copied and pasted it into a word doc for my husband (wanted to remove any evidence of SI to protect my safe space.) itís called ďThings that Every WS Needs to KnowĒ. It really helped. It helped my WH see what he should be doing and it helped ME see what he was doing right.

Three months is early days. R is possible. No Contact with AP is imperative. Transparency and honesty too. How are things regarding these things?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:33 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

Scubagrl posted 1/12/2020 12:10 PM

Here is my weigh-in on the question, and my reality when an affair blew my relationship apart. I have not done this yet, so it may be a good exercise for me!

Confusion. First, I could not understand what I was hearing. After being with a man who made me feel like his world revolved around me for 10 years, this made no sense. I thought my ears must be broken.

Disbelief. I could not even wrap my head around the news (most days I STILL can't believe that this really happened). I struggled to fit this into some compartment of my brain that made sense. There just wasn't one.

Shock. Immense shock. This lasted for quite some time. I had to drive a friend to the airport that day, but don't remember most of the trip. I have blackout periods from that day and the next. My nervous system went into complete overload.

Panic. Sheer and utter panic. I had to face the reality that my relationship was over (he told me that before walking out on me. At the time I believed this was true. It actually is not). As well, I had to face the terrifying thought of moving, where would I live, and how would I survive. I spent the afternoon in an office photocopying my mortgage paperwork so I would have a copy of my assets. My brain went into a complete panic tailspin.

Desperate sorrow. I could not believe this was happening to me, and was inconsolable. I spent time on my girlfriend's living room floor shaking and unable to stop screaming.

And this was all on the first day. This was then followed by:

Severe physical reactions: being unable to eat (I did not eat a meal for 6 days and almost passed out at work one day), being unable to sleep, exhaustion, and very bad stomach upset. Somehow not eating for 6 days did not stop the unpleasant reactions my stomach had to the news :( I began to exhibit PTSD signs, not being able to be out of the house for too long. I walked out on 2 social events because I HAD to get to the safety of my house.

Rage. Once the shock started to wear off, the rage set in. Overwhelming and uncontrollable rage. This was also terrifying to me, because it was not who I was as a person. I sent email after vicious, cruel and blinded-with-rage email to my partner. The rage was quickly mixed alternately with a sadness that cannot be described. This see-sawed back and forth for at least the first 3 months. It was terrifying, and made me scared for my own sanity. I finally went on antidepressants to try to level my moods out.

Grief. This experience can be closely related to the feelings of immense grief. I recognized that feeling of "NO-this CANNOT be true, please someone tell me that this is not real!!". Having lost both of my parents at a very young age, I have had experience with not only grief, but grief for something that "shouldn't have happened". This felt the same to me. I was grieving, but grieving something that seemed so unnatural and WRONG to me.

Betrayal. I think out of everything, this was the most devastating and overwhelming. To this day it is still what I struggle with the most. The feeling of being betrayed by someone that I loved, trusted and thought would NEVER EVER hurt me to such a degree was absolutely devastating. I was crushed beyond ability to convey. I doubt that I will ever be able to express to my partner exactly how this made me feel. There are no words to describe it accurately enough.

Jealousy. This set in around the 3 month mark. I had an uncontrollable and dismaying level of jealousy, and could not stop obsessing over what they had done together, what she looked like, the whole fucking ugly 9 yards. This also caused me an immense amount of distress, as I don't think that is who I am as a person either. The jealousy also admittedly caused me to become turned on thinking of him with another woman-I know it is sickening but I have read that this happens. Of course to me it was absolutely sickening. So I wondered what was WRONG with me :(

Abandoned/feeling alone. We were separated for 3 months, and through all of the ugly feelings, I felt so alone, and the yearning for the life we had had was overwhelming. It caused me so much sadness. I felt abandoned by a partner that I always thought would be there for me.

Insecurity. My feelings of self-worth were completely shattered. I eventually found out details of the physical relationship and this hit me very hard. I could not imagine my partner doing some of those things with another person, and this caused me an indescribable amount of distress.

Suspicion and mistrust. This is the stage that I am in now. It has also caused me a huge amount of distress because I am suspicious of everything that he says and everything that he does, even though he is trying hard to reverse this. My trust has been damaged severely.

The list could go on forever. Even having lost my parents at an early age, I think this by far has been the single most traumatic event of my life. The best news that I received during this time was from my sister. She told me that I would NOT be making any decisions as to what I was going to do for at least the first 3 months. This took the pressure off of me from feeling like I had to decide, and helped immensely. I was barely able to function as a human being, so rational thought was not happening. Don't expect it.

I was also told that this would probably be the most important time in my life to put ME first. I took that advice and took care of myself as best I could. I hope you take both pieces of those, and continue to get through day by day. This is going to be a LONG process. You can't rush it, so take your time. Wishing you much healing.

Brew3x posted 1/12/2020 12:58 PM

The cruelest part of the affair, is they relied on - COUNTED ON - our blind faith and trust in them in order to be successful in their affair. The affair created dual realities for us, the life we thought we were living and the truth of what was really going on. The affair damages us so badly - we no longer trust ourselves - our instincts and judgements.
So after dday, we need badly to repair that trauma. It goes much deeper than repairing the marriage. It shakes our foundation. It reminds me of The Truman Show. Jim Carey learns his entire life is a lie, conjured up and fabricated for a hidden audience whoís been watching him on TV since birth. Our lives arenít complete fabrications after the affair but it feels like it could be because we stop trusting ourselves.

I read through your past posts Brew. You are taking some blame for creating a crisis in your marriage. This is common. If itís partly your fault, then you have some control over preventing this injury in the future. CONTROL is seductive after dday. Weíve lost all control over lives through no fault of our own. Being a bad husband doesnít cause affairs. Your wifeís poor coping mechanisms did. Bad spouse = marriage counselling. Bad spouse = divorce. Affairs = Selfishness. Affairs = conflict avoidance.

So after dday, before you can heal the marriage, you have to heal the personal trauma the affair caused to the BS. Has your wife read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair? Have you read it? Thereís also an excellent article pinned to the top of the wayward forum. I copied and pasted it into a word doc for my husband (wanted to remove any evidence of SI to protect my safe space.) itís called ďThings that Every WS Needs to KnowĒ. It really helped. It helped my WH see what he should be doing and it helped ME see what he was doing right.

Three months is early days. R is possible. No Contact with AP is imperative. Transparency and honesty too. How are things regarding these things?


Thank you for your responses I was worried for a moment that no one would understand what was looking for. I guess the reason I was asking is I donít feel anything about our marriage anymore I keep saying I want to reconcile and Iím trying but every experience my ww and I share now seems to be layered with emotion we could go out and have fun but itís covered with emptiness and thoughts of the A itís almost like whatever happens is not real. I feel uncontrolled rage towards the AP I have this strong urge to confront him fAce to face but I know thatís a bad idea and will ultimately make me feel worse. I just feel like he shouldnít get away with this without seeing my face. I feel like my wife is trying she is being open honest but and I could be sensitive but I thought she would be trying harder, maybe Iím just looking for a quick fix, she did read the. Book helping to heal my spouse and the pages from the wayward side every a ws needs to know, but Iím not sure itís registering. She seems to have difficulty talking about the affair, but we have had many productive conversations. I sometimes I feel confide about our chances of R but then the despair sets in again. Sheís had not contact but AP did try to reach out her at an old office of hers, someone emailed her say he was looking for her, she told me right away. She seems remorseful but like I said it might not be enough I feel like it were me I would try to say and do anything. Iím not taking blame for the affair only 50% blame our problems before hand, we both allowed the marriage to slip to roommate stautus without even knowing. Anyway one day at a time I guess

[This message edited by Brew3x at 1:14 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

sassylee posted 1/12/2020 14:14 PM

Itís hard to feel hopeful and positive toward R so soon after dday. So much of its success or viability is dependent on things beyond our control. Itís nearly impossible to feel safe and secure - weíre constantly on alert...waiting for the other shoe to drop.

After dday, did you feel desperate to save the marriage? I did. I needed to ďfixĒ it. But then, I had a second dday and my give-a-fuck ran out.

I think the way youíre feeling is normal. Itís hard to feel positive toward a marriage when half the marriage blew it up. If itís a dealbreaker, youíll know eventually. Youíll reach a point where the idea of freedom overcomes staying in a marriage you no longer want. Give it some time...let yourself heal for a bit. Are you in IC?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:15 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

Brew3x posted 1/12/2020 15:03 PM

I know what you mean About waiting for the other shoe to drop thatís one of my biggest problems right now, evens though she hasnít given me any reason to doubt her since NC was established I still can stop worrying. Iím not in IC yet but Iím working on it. I feel Iím trying to reconcile with someone who dumped me out with the garbage, even though sheís been treating me good she said some terrible things to me leading up to dday regarding her desire for me and our sex life, I feel like now it was an effect of the A

crazyinlove1995 posted 1/12/2020 15:17 PM

Ah man bro hugs bud..Look to Dont try to force anything.Step back and think about you.Dont worry about the ap.His shit will hit him.Take your time and try to process your feelings your gonna be all over the place.It sucks man.It gets better
Peace

SlapNutsABingo posted 1/13/2020 14:10 PM

It's possible that you are coming to the realization that you can't get past this...and that's OK.

doggiediva posted 1/13/2020 16:35 PM

Most cheaters want to complain about our desire for them, lack of sex, to justify their cheating..What she said about her desire for YOU, if that happened to me, would not be possible to reconcile from..I would always feel like a plan B moving forward..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:39 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

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