this is not the full story but just the mayor details. please feel free to ask questions.
my back story:
i got pregnant at 15 had my baby #1 at 16. baby daddy #1 and i broke up when my daughter was 6 months and left to mexico. 2 years later i got pregnant again.
***the reason i got pregnant is because i wanted to leave my parents house but i didn't think that my parents were going to be so supportive and BD#1 moved in with my parents and i. baby #2 happen and my parents were still there for me. my parents were and still are amazing, my reasoning for wanting to leave is that i was too spoiled and treated like a porcelain doll. i stopped going to field trips in 7th grade because my mom wanted to come along. she volunteer at the school all the time. i wasn't allowed to go to sleepovers but friends could come to my house. i know it unreasonable now.***
baby daddy #2 broke up with me 2 days before xmas because he was cheating on me the last 2 weeks. in january 5th i found out i was pregnant.he claimed baby ins't he's and wants nothing to do with me.
at this time i BD #1 were still calling each other since he's still in mexico over the 2 years. he gets angry that im pregnant because he loves me and wanted to work things out when he got back. while im pregnant with baby #2 i decide well im already pregnant so f**k it im going to treat guys the way they treat me. started having one night stands. using them like they have done to me.
**** talked to BD#1 told him i was dating a black guy and he got so mad he finally told me the truth, he had gotten married in mexico and was on baby #3. the oldest being only a year younger than our daughter.****
there was this one guys (sam, 26) that wanted to date me seriously and after much persuasion i (19 at the time) agreed. i wasn't planning on that relationship to last at all. i ended up moving in with him (at his mothers house), again because i didn't want to live with my parents. after a few weeks, sam tells me he's a swinger. that sound fun! i've always wanted to sleep with a girl, lets do this!. having 3somes with other girls or swapping couples. never a 3some with another guy. sam was dominant and he would tell me what to wear, send me random text telling me to stop what im doing and send him pictures. i was the sole income earner, got into "modeling", was a sugar baby, sold my used panties, he encouraged all this behaviors, it honestly turned him on. all this was stuff his ex did. he was trying to turn me into her all that time. he wasn't over her, they were high school sweethearts and dated for 10 years. i tried to get out of that relationship but couldn't.
3 years later, here we are sam and i, been swingers for all this time i was tired of swinging, i wanted to be wanted to be the only one, he didnt want that so we were on and off since then. then i met david (AP #1). i started having an EA & PA that lasted 2 years. david asked me to have his baby and i would have said yes if he didn't have someone that was living with him at that time.
i met my now husband shortly after david, at the time still on and off with sam. sam was the one who told now H that he was the other guy. i really wanted to change to not be the person i was and had been so i moved in with now H after a month of him finding out.
there's been lies and betrayals over the years and H has stuck by me.
Now:
man, i really did it this time. i broke our vows, our family, our trust. and if I'm being honest the trust was never completely repaired to begin with due to past betrayals. i cant say i didn't want to have an affair, i looked for it. i planned it. it wasn't a "we are co-workers" nor "one night stand, it just happened".
not only did i have an EA (david) that lasted a few months and didn't get physical. i even kicked my H out because i was sure i wanted to have david baby this time. david said he still wanted a baby and somehow i assumed with me but nope. i still wanted to hook up with him so i started taking birth control but after 3 months nothing happened. i never actually saw him in person. it was all text and 1 video call. i looked him up found out where he lived but he never invited me over.
i finally gave up on that and looked online for a "discreet" site to be a sugar baby. found PA partner there and explicitly told him that "my husband would be devastated if he found out". i can't claim that i didn't think of the consequences, I KNEW that it my actions were going to hurt my H deeply. the PA only lasted one week.
as im writing this i realize that david has been limerence and when that didn't happen got rejected again that's when i looked online. but where does that leave my husband?
husband found out about my PA because he could see my location when i was at a cheap motel having sex with AP. he found out about the david from the text messages between PA partner and i.
there's NC with either of them (EA & PA). D-Day Oct 4 2019.
i really appreciate if you've read this far. thanks for listening.
TLDR
BD#1 - left. 16 years later still hasn't met his daughter face to face. i wasn't enough for him to come back.
BD#2 - cheated on me. rejected, depressed, didn't think baby was his. i wasn't enough for him to try to be a family.
sam - i wasn't his ex. i wasn't enough to stop being a swinger.
david - i wasn't wife material.
Husband - im enough but can't understand why he even wants to be with such a broken person.