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4 years on/ the dragon/ the meaning of life and shame struggles

sleeplessincali posted 1/13/2020 16:31 PM

I am not sure what I'm hoping to accomplish by posting today. I've been visiting for over 4 years and have not told much of my story.

I still hurts and I'm finding that my SI webpage visits are on an uptick . No especially special triggers or anything. At one point I went two years without visiting so I know something is wrong now. Because I keep coming back. I visit when it hurts. I think it was good for me to come here at first to get my grounding after DD, and I spent hours on here each day. It was my life line, but now, I almost wonder if it is inhibiting growth all these years later. I am still searching for that nugget of truth that will help me heal, it is like a feather in the wind. I need to find peace with what ever that is or isn't. I need to find it within my self I think.

The pain is far less than it was 4 years ago but I am still having trouble.

I am over 4 years out from DDay. Halloween 2015. Husband had an on again off again former porn star sugar baby for several years. He would visit her in LA on business trips. He is a writer and was in the process of writing her story. (He likened himself to be a Cameron Crow type from Almost Famous, interviewing porn stars to figure out how they ticked. An experiential writer.) Fantasy Land.

Found out 10 months after DD he was white nuckling through a porn addiction It took him that long to write out his timeline and tell the whole truth. There was more (of course there was) We got help, and went through several years of intense work. Went to CR ( A Christian version of AA or SA) We read a ton of books together, studied our Bible intensely together, Christian couples small groups. Hours of discussion etc. I am still in counseling periodically and before I went back to work last year spent hours a day in self care. Sitting in a sunny window, trimming my split ends, drawing, painting, writing and creating to warm my body and prevent anxiety. PTSD.... I did some work on Recovery Nation as well. He has grown more present with our life. Involved with our kids and he seems to be in touch with his feelings and transparent, writing is a trigger unfortunately. It's sad, because it was one of the talents I fell in love with, but he will not allow himself the mental freedom to write.....( entrance to fantasy land?) I see meloncoly in him, he had bouts of extreme remorse and emotions mixed with gratefulness at how things are now vs how it could have gone. Jail or worse.....He is a sensitive INFP artist. (I am an INFJ personality type)

I read on the SA I can relate forums, and it seems I can't relate. Everyone's story's do not resonate. Like at all.

Things are going well, less and less triggers, the emergency is over, but I don't feel like I am excelling. Emotionally or creatively. I've also regained about 30 pounds that I previously lost before DD. Probably due to feeling less than and emotional eating. I continue to gain tiny amounts bit by bit and my mind cant commit to getting back on a meal plan.

What's next?

So the unresolved questions that still pop up that I can't seem to get past some are spiritual in nature.

Why did God allow me to marry him in the first place if he was destined to betray me?
- I was a virgin when married and so was he. We both grew up in church, went to premarital counseling and did everything right to avoid the really bad stuff and it still happened. I thought we were better.

How can I trust myself again or God when either He did not warn me sooner about my life or I did not hear Him. My pastor mentioned that perhaps I did not know at the time because I was meant to focus on my Children at the time.

Shame. I am ashamed for staying in this marriage although I feel like it is right for me and my children. How do I navigate this type of shame? ( book recommendation please, I've tried Brene Brown and I could not relate,maybe I picked the wrong book.)

How do I get back the light, lose weight and excell in life and marriage? Things seem to just go forward, life goes on. I am functioning, doing better than before but not thriving. Husbans says I am impatient and may be searching for answers that cant be found.....I'm doing work and research, trying to figure it out and yet don't have the magic answer that I seek. Like chasing the dragon. So what's next?

[This message edited by sleeplessincali at 4:32 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

Cooley2here posted 1/13/2020 17:21 PM

See your doctor. This sounds like depression.

LLXC posted 1/13/2020 22:06 PM

A huge percentage of cheaters are Christians. Not because Christians are worse than anyone else but because they cheat at the same rate as everyone else.

Religion protects you from nothing. Religion cam be a salve for when the horrible things happen. If your husband were true to his Christian faith, he would not have cheated on you. He made the choice tp be false.

Your husband is all at fault here. Like i just said, if he were true to his faith he would not have cheated. That is the whole problem.

In regards to you, do you think there were red flags you chose to ignore? Or perhaps there were red flags that you didnt even know were there? In retrospect, you can see them?

sleeplessincali posted 1/13/2020 23:09 PM

Hubs and I have discussed this very thing. He obviously lost his faith and was not a believer and some point along the road. Unfortunately you are correct the % of people who cheat and or divorce is similar to any where else. Porn use as well which makes me sad.

I was blind sided. He kept things compartmentalized for a long time. For years. Only until the end when thing were really spiraling did I notice something was not right. The last few months or so. Looking back, his screenwriting was dark and twisty, and he was angry and bitter at life, but never at me. I just though he was going through a tough time before then. I think that if things go that way again I could tell. Maybe I need to trust my self in that....but it's hard.

sleeplessincali posted 1/13/2020 23:11 PM

Cooley, maybe you are correct. I keep thinking, "well I'm better than before so that is great", but I'm not where I want to be.

Buffer posted 1/13/2020 23:15 PM

Hi young lady.
One day at a time, do what you need to do to get by.
IC, exercise, talks and walks.
You can never communicate too much with WH about this.


cocoplus5nuts posted 1/14/2020 07:14 AM

I agree with Cooley. Could be depression. See your doctor or talk to your therapist about depression, specifically.

Maybe find someone who is experienced in trauma therapy. EMDR has done wonders for me. I had a session yesterday. I had been feeling sad for 4 or 5 days for no apparent reason. We did some EMDR. My therapist checked some things with my history and family. She swept her hand over my head and down my back a few times to release the sadness.

I feel so much better today. I had been constantly on the verge of tears for days, had even cried a couple of times, which I never do. Now, I feel like that heaviness has lifted. It's truly amazing, imo.

Forgot to say, exercise if you aren't already. Even just simply walking can help. It doesn't have to be fast paced or long. I think 10 minutes at a time has shown to help boost the mood. It won't be a panacea for depression, but it can help. It's hard to start. Maybe find a friend who will do it with you, or even your H. Sounds like he made need it, too.

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 7:16 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

TX1995 posted 1/14/2020 12:10 PM

I'll support the idea about IC.

About the God thing. I hear you. After Dday 1, my WH and I threw ourselves into church. We started Sunday school, bible studies, book studies, etc. I felt renewed. I felt like maybe this storm was a wake up call to do more, be better partners, parents, stewards. And we were!
Then, 6 months ago (after 2 years of working on R), my WH admitted to sex with his AP. It destroyed me. I haven't felt the same since. My world fell apart. Church groups changed, a pastor we were close to was fired, close friends moved. I just don't get it. I was a good person before, tried harder after Dday 1, and now I just feel so hopeless about it all. To be honest, I've doubted God's existence and purpose the past 6 months more than I did when I was still exploring my faith growing up. I also HATE the stories from Christian women who take on the blame for their spouse's cheating and rugsweep. (There are MANY out there.)

That being said. If you are looking for a hopeful direction that has a biblical undertone, check out Lysa Tyrkeurst if you haven't already. Quick background if you are unfamiliar - she is an Christian author/speaker/leader. Her husband of 25 years cheated on her, continually and with many setbacks and lies. They were separated for two years. They reconciled. They renewed their vows last year. Her book " It's Not Supposed to Be This Way" is really great. Also check out her podcast series on Infidelity (it's on the Proverbs31 podcasts). She has her therapist and a biblical scholar on with her. There was also a few podcasts that she guested on (just put her name in the search and you'll find some like "The Messy Table" and Happy Hour") that I listened to multiple times for hope.

I hope you are feeling better today.

sleeplessincali posted 1/14/2020 15:21 PM

TX, so many of your comments resonated thanks for posting.
I know what you are saying about women taking the blame or rugsweeping. I am not taking the blame for his actions so much as I'm blaming my self for not hearing from God about it when it started, or reconciling that God did not show me sooner....basically I'm blaming my self for being human.

I actually read Lysa Tyrkeurst Uninvited right after DD and journaled a bit about it afterward. Thanks for the podcast and suggested reading. My husband just picked up a couple of copies on Amazon. Says he wants to read with me. That is good.

I think you guys are right...I'm probably depressed. I also looked at the calendar and realized I have some PMS issues as well.

Buffer and Coco- I've looked into EMDR with trauma and think that is also a good call. Exercise will help for sure, the walks and talks have been nonexistent in the winter weather but were nessisary previously. I'm seeing all of these self care areas that have changed and been neglected recently so I'm sure reinstating these things will help.

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