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Stepping back in order to move forward

landclark posted 1/14/2020 09:12 AM

So yesterday I made a leap of faith and told my WH that I want to officially move forward with reconciliation in mind. I have been all over the place lately, and yesterday something just clicked with me, and I was ready to make that decision. Whether or not we ultimately get there remains to be seen. He just started therapy again, and I still have work to do on myself. I feel stronger then I did before though, the strongest I have felt for a long time, and know that if he were to break my trust again in such a huge way, I could be ok walking. It would hurt, sure, but I could do it.

Please don't try to talk me out of it. I know it's a huge risk, but one I am willing to take. It has been a full day and I haven't changed my mind yet. lol

My question is, how many people here had to step back from SI in order to move forward? This site and the members has been such a huge help to me, it really has. I also think it's helping my WH. However, I spend a lot of time here each day, and find that sometimes it keeps me feeling stuck, and honestly, sometimes leaves me feeling angry. Not so much angry at my situation, but honestly, angry at some of the stuff posted here. I stopped reading comments on social media awhile back because I was having this same feeling. I have just started to question what I am really gaining from the site now, and whether or not my obsession with it is actually making things worse.

So for those that have stepped back, do you feel it helped you move forward? Or did it instead just help you to rugsweep? I don't want to do that, but I can definitely see how that could happen.

Anybody else have these thoughts? Open to all feedback, from both sides of the infidelity fence.


MrCleanSlate posted 1/14/2020 09:32 AM


4 years ago after my D-Day I started lurking on this site, and a few others. They helped me an awful lot a that time with getting my head on straight. I wasn't strong enough to want to start to post - I was scared of some of the responses I saw and felt that so many were polarized to one end or the other. My BW felt the same.

My BW and I followed a lot of principals we learned here, elsewhere, and through our IC and MC and carved out our own path.

4 years later and successfully into R I came back and started posting to kind of clear my head and get some direction to reaffirm to myself that I/we are moving in the right direction.

One thing I've seen is that there is a great amount of really good advice and people with mostly good intentions wanting to help from their perspective.

So in a longwinded way I guess what I am trying to say is that you have grown enough where you now need to go and do what YOU feel is the right thing. So go and give it your best effort and filter out all the noise. You'll know if and when you need more advice or help.

TooManyCliches posted 1/14/2020 11:09 AM

So, I'm only a month out from d-day, and feel that I still really need support, and advice, and to hear other people's stories.

But I'm also fairly committed to staying with him, provided he continues to give me what I need. He has started IC, and I am about to. We're holding off on MC until we get a little further with IC, but I expect to start that in the next few months.

At some point, if I feel like we're making progress, I don't think being actively engaged with SI will be healthy for me. I don't expect it to ever completely "go away" - there will likely always be triggers for me, and stray thoughts. But coming on here, while helpful in many ways, also serves as a more constant reminder than I would want if we're doing well. Part of doing well, for me, will be getting to the point where I DON'T think about it very often.

Everyone's needs are different, and those who truly don't feel healed a year, or two years, or four years out probably do still need this support. But for me, if I'm still struggling that far out, it will be a sign that it's time to leave. I'm not going to waste the rest of my life on healing from this. Either I do, and move on to a new phase together, or I don't, and I move on alone. Which will be a fresh wound, and a new round of healing of itself, but I won't let this episode of my life define me (or even be the primary factor defining our marriage), in the way that I think some people who are still on here after very extended periods of time do. No judgment to them, just not for me.

sisoon posted 1/14/2020 12:30 PM

What really counts is, 'Will stepping back help landclark?'

There's only one way to find out.

There is a guideline against public announcements about leaving. That really means it's a violation to leave with nasty comments.

If you do step back, let us know. There are people who care about you here, and they'll want to know you're safe, though that might not be the right word. Besides, people will send you a lot of positive strokes.

In any case, many people take breaks, some permanent, some temporary. Your best bet is to do what you need to do.

landclark posted 1/14/2020 13:00 PM

Thank you all so much for the feedback. I really appreciate it! I'm going to sit on this for a day and see if I still feel the same tomorrow.

Sisoon, I certainly don't want to get banned! I would like to be able to come back here when/if needed. I will also miss several posters (well, as much as you can miss internet strangers, lol).

hikingout posted 1/14/2020 13:15 PM

I wish you the best of luck. I hope your husband keeps putting one foot in front of the other, and that your healing continues. Check in when you are ready!

I have wondered the same thing btw. I had a 3 week long one recently with the holidays and the surgeries, etc. I didn't think of anything any less, but it did give me time to form my own focus again. Noone can tell us if R is right for us, if a break from SI is right for us, but I have found that exploring things is the only way you will ever know. Take care.

Tanner posted 1/14/2020 13:53 PM

I am a newbie so I find that JFO is too painful for me right now. I am in R and tend to read there or General. I hope to one day be healed and a contributor to the JFO. Good luck to you I definitely get what you are saying.

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