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Separated affair denial

ncfc45 posted 1/19/2020 15:28 PM

Hi guys been reading so many posts which tell the same old story! Ilybnilwy yep the saying we all know and love! I have a long story so bare with me
My wife and I met through my sister in law (I'll blame her!) Nearly 13 years ago usual story fell for each other moved in together married then started trying for children which we unfortunately had to go through IVF which was down to me which if I was honest was a blow to a man's self esteem.
We failed the first attempt which is very hard but we were successful the second time with my son who is now eight. My wife struggled with bad post natal for the following year and had a mum who was brilliant one minute then would fall out with her over the most ridiculous things my in laws separated so my wife grew up in a broken home dad abusive to her brother who is now a drug addict and a manipulating mum although had always been great with me but I saw her other side on many occasions. My wife struggled to be mum and wife and put everything into being a total mum if anything trying for everything to be too perfect and catered for his every need to hear obsessiveness.( Her mum the same maybe guilt from her ways she has nothing to do with her son) I was always a hands on dad getting up for feeds housework etc but struggled as felt like a spare part our sex life before kids fantastic but totally dissapared mostly until we separated. My wife eventually went back to part time work she works in travel and eventually set up working from our home when my son started from school. I think my wife started to lose her identity as a person mum working from home not her office and became more stressed her weight was an issue too even though she is a very attractive woman. So fast forward to a couple of years ago and we had the usual money worries I was earning well so was she but just overspending nothing major but it really started to stress her out she then also had health scares which turned out she was diagnosed with Ms.
Now during this time my son was friends with a lad from school who were also neighbors and my wife became friends with his mum and started going round for playdates. She came home one night and said the husband had told her he was unhappy with her friend as they have nothing in common I said this was weird and my wife agreed. Now most people would have stayed away but it was like a red tag to a bull over the next few weeks she lied to me about going round I would say just put our son through the fence but she would say no I think my friend wants to see me which when I asked my son if his friends mum was there he would say no just his dad and it was mummy who wanted to go round she also came home tipsy one night. I don't know for the life of me why I hurried my head in the sand and only half called her out on it but for some reason was in denial of my gut feeling and didn't want to come across as the jealous husband.
There were lots of other red flags she had lost weight and suddenly gave me more sexual attention now this could have been genuine but felt really off. She really felt distant that summer our best friends noticed on our holidays but she carried in normal loving texts love yous pics of me and my son sent to me with lovely messages.( I forgot to say 6 months previous I got her the eternity ring she so badly wanted and we had just re mortgaged for 5 years so all as normal) Well one night we had another disagreement about her starting smoking again after years she still hadn't been diagnosed with Ms yet which concerned me but she would say she is fed up with people telling her what to do when she announced she wanted to separate no talking about anything it's definitely over and she must have gave me all of 1 minute before she said I can still see my son and we need to sort money out and oh do I fancy a glass of wine! She was really emotionless and totally rewrote history unhappy for years. I was absolutely devastated but did the usual straight away hit the gym hard ( I had really let myself to and became too comfortable but unhappy in myself for years) I started to come out in myself again becoming the old fit lean confident person again at 44 which my wife noticed as started flirting sometimes but would still bring up the separation subject. Well we had a false Christmas for my son and being at the time I thought I was being good old dad and moved back in with my parents after telling our son which devastated him as he is such a daddies boy. I thought by me moving out maybe she would miss her husband and maybe work on herself and I even sent a heart felt e-mail going through our whole history and why we should do everything we can before we split my son's family up but to no avail she was determined to do it. I can remember some people saying there is somebody else I got the ilybnilwy speech but I wouldn't have it as my wife wouldn't do something she was so against! Well a couple of months later I turned up at my home one Friday night and my wife didn't expect me to go in I was getting something from my garage but in my home was a rucksack beer and a Chinese I asked her have you company but she said no sheepishly but again not wanting bro come across a jealous needy husband I went ( I know perfetic!) A month later I got a text from my wife informing me that her friend's husband had asked her out on a date ( I didn't know they had split up!and the same guy she lied so many times to go over his house when her friend wasn't there) I confronted her and she got angry which told me everything and asked her for her friend's number which panicked her and said we needed to talk her friend told me he had left her a week before my wife left me and they had been meeting up for playdates behind her back. Her husband in the meantime was begging to go back threating her in front of the kids letting them down vile texts to my wife's friend forcing himself back in police called my wife new all this and still wanted to date him rubbing her friend's and my face in it. My wife's friend told my wife she is very uncomfortable with them going out and will not stand for it but my wife just carried on. I in the meantime had a few talks with my wife telling her she obviously had had at the very least an emotional affair probably more as she came home from a night out when we were still married at 3 in the morning and the taxi! Dropped her miles up the road she never did this as she hates walking in the dark on her own and always before was dropped off right outside so another red flag for my gut feeling!.They also worked in the same pub for a while! Well my wife has always denied anything she said she was just friends with him! She hardly new him. Well her special date never happened he has moved on elsewhere ( he had also had an affair with his wife's best friend one of their bridesmaids so has history of this .
So here we are now my wife has shown no remorse just feeling sorry for herself and suddenly a few months ago really flirting with me at my home during my son's birthday touchy feely eyeing me up and asking if she wants her to stay in the same bed with her as my son had some friends for a sleepover which he wanted me to be there. She came back in our bedroom and said she would sleep in the same bed but no touching she said with a naughty grin on her face I replied thats ok I don't want to touch you which you could see shocked her! This all happened after other single mums had told her how hot her husband was k
Looking! ( Not my words) a couple had even asked me out which she heard about. Our final chat before I totally did a 180 the reality hit me what she had done to me and my son suddenly woke me up she asked if I still loved her and fancied her and if I thought she was a nice person! She is showing signs of midlife crisis and attempted to run off to fantasy land which really hasn't worked she is now a single mum of 44 with Ms working all hours shattered struggles with our son who I see loads of and getting closer if possible as he misses me at home and still cries often after 1 year of me moving out her husband despises her she has played with 3 children's life's lost a good friend her mum and step dad are furious with her her step dad especially who I am very close too a lovely man as they know all of it they even told me she was going on about him before we separated and I am waiting for her to buy me out with her real dad who doesn't know any of this he would be furious also. She constantly gaslights me to protect herself which tells me all about the person she is now. I am not going to lie it has nearly killed me and to keep going to my family home which I loved is the thing that gets me but I have come out of this in the best shape ever and have really looked at my part in our marriage not being what it should and will always know there was nothing we couldn't have rebuilt. I would be very grateful for any comments I know it's a long list! And exscuse my grammar as I'm just working class English lad! Carl

Cooley2here posted 1/19/2020 15:59 PM

Please donít let the excuse that she lost herself being a stay at home mother. She cheated because she wanted to. I had difficulty reading this because in your pain you forgot to uses commas and periods. Thatís ok. I couldnít tell if it was emotional/physical. So I think you said she fell in love with a serial cheater and he dumped her. Do not be her Plan B.
You need to be tested. Who knows where that other guyís p@#$& has been.
She needs an evaluation because she sounds seriously depressed. Thatís up to her. You need to take care of yourself and your son. And who cares if you used some help getting him here. Heís yours and you love him.
I hope you are eating healthy, drinking lots of water, and getting plenty of sleep.

ncfc45 posted 1/19/2020 16:26 PM

Gavin many thanks for your reply yes you are right there is no excuse for destroying your family and someone else's for a waster,you should be accountable for your own actions and choices. Yes I am doing everything I should sleep exercise etc really need to get to therapy because have been in denial for too long. I have now seen my wife for who she is and will treat her accordingly. She has caused a complete mess for basically nothing but that's on her. Again thanks for your reply I look forward to maybe talking to more people on here and once again sorry for my grammar! Thanks carl

KingofNothing posted 1/19/2020 18:38 PM

I donít mean to be that guy, but maybe some line feeds? Just a little?

Buffer posted 1/19/2020 18:56 PM

Brother. All,
What is good for you and #1DS? WW made the conscious decision to be friends with benefits with the dude, she actively sort this out. Nothing is on you.
Keep up the 180. You are doing well, exercise, sleep etc. IC can only help you, as well as DS.
WW coming back in the bed is a big no no. She is not remorseful for her action done to the marriage, only that her AP is gone, she is alone and having to work full time, you were her security blanket and you are gone. Donít let her love bomb you.

Be strong and move on.


Newlifeisgreat posted 1/19/2020 19:33 PM

Have you talked to a lawyer yet about divorce?

Sounds to me that you have your head on straight and know exactly what she has done, and more importantly, you know who and what she is!

Get out of the marriage as quick as you can!!! Continue the hard 180!!!

Good job. Stay strong. I promise you will be much happier once she is permanently is in you rear view mirror.

Marz posted 1/19/2020 19:54 PM

No remorse = no reconciliation, she just wants to rugsweep and stay together which means you have a high chance of a repeat.

You make a lot of excuses but there arenít any.

I donít think you get it. Sheís just a typical cheater. Nothing special at all except it happened to you.

Thereís a big different between not being controlling and getting walked on.

There is no such thing as privacy to cheat in a marriage.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:06 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]

ncfc45 posted 1/20/2020 03:45 AM

Guys thanks again for your honest replies,it's amazing when i finally took my head out of my arse and woke up to what
She has done it gave me the strength to fight back from the depths of despair.

ncfc45 posted 1/20/2020 03:45 AM

Guys thanks again for your honest replies,it's amazing when i finally took my head out of my arse and woke up to what
She has done it gave me the strength to fight back from the depths of despair.

Newlifeisgreat posted 1/20/2020 12:12 PM

Good for you!!!

Now come up with a plan to get out of this hell that she has put you in.

Donít let fear of life without her or fear of the unknown stop you. You will be shocked just how good your life is once you get rid of the cheater.

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