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Should I tell the amp spouse?

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Shocked1989 posted 1/19/2020 21:33 PM

This is my first post and donít really know all the abbreviations so please forgive me if I get something wrong or donít use one when I should. Iíve been lurking for two months. Hereís a little of my story. I found out my husband of 21 years had an 18 month affair on Nov. 19, 2019. He came clean because our son discovered some text messages between him and the ap a few days before DDay. My ds shared with our college dd who confronted my WS while he was out of town. She warned him she would tell me if he didnít. He told me a portion of the truth as soon as he got home. Made me think it was an emotional affair but that they had inappropriate texts throughout the 18 months. He hid it and thatís why it was wrong. Our kids got the same explanation. He told me it was over and explained to her in an 11 minute conversation that day (not in front of me) that I knew about the affair and it had to stop, not to contact him again. He deleted her contact, (he is technologically challenged and didnít know about blocking) gave me access to his phone, iPad, etc. He hoped we could move on and he wouldnít have to divulge everything. I didnít believe the story but was afraid he would delete any other evidence before I could look at it. I never got to see any texts. He would delete those as they happened. I guess he got sloppy the night my son found out. It took him 3 weeks to admit they did have sex 5 times over an 18 month period. They would meet for lunch or at a bar in the late afternoon about twice a month, sometimes more and texted a lot. This hussy would even call him around 6 or 7 pm at home and he would walk outside and talk. She was a complete hussy and I hate her.
My husband and I have been doing well and working on our marriage. We have days where I really lose it but we are communicating and he is open to answering any of my questions. He understands he has to be my healer.
The question I have is this....itís been 2 months and it bothers me that I didnít tell the spouse of his ap. I really couldnít care less about their marriage but hate that weíre going through this bs and sheís getting away with it. Should I tell him now after 2 months? Iím worried about what he might do to our family. He knows my husband because he was there the night they all met at a bar. She got my husbands phone number under the pretense of inviting ďusĒ to a party at their house. She immediately started contacting him. When he said we couldnít make it, she suggested they get together for lunch and he went along with it. They started texting and thatís how it all started. Thanks for your help and opinions.

[This message edited by Shocked1989 at 10:14 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]

pearlamici posted 1/19/2020 22:14 PM

Hello Shocked - I'm sorry you have to be here.... you must absolutely tell the other BS. So many reasons why and other posters will come along soon wording it better. but to start - simply - wouldn't you want someone to tell you (anyone???) And it is kinder coming from the other betrayed spouse (because you're feeling the devastation he is about to go through). You are only two months ot from this ... I am almost six years away from Dday (reconciled) and i must say this is the worst thing I have ever gone through (and I've lost a 14 year old child). My feelings can change on a dime on any given day. The only advice I have other than telling the other spouse ASAP (and let the f*cking chips fall where they may) is don't make any promises... don't hold yourself to any decisions.

RubixCubed posted 1/19/2020 22:19 PM

Yes, you should tell the OBS other betrayed spouse.
It's the moral thing to do.

Unhinged posted 1/19/2020 22:23 PM

Absolutely! There is no substitute for truth.

Shocked1989 posted 1/19/2020 22:25 PM

I almost feel like telling him the truth will bring bad karma on me.

pearlamici posted 1/19/2020 22:30 PM

Because you think you're telling him to get revenge on her (AP). That's not why we're telling you to disclose. This happened.... you are telling the other BS so that he has some control over his life - he may be wondering why he tries so hard to be a good husband but yet still has a distant wife (I'm guessing here but there are many different scenarios) He has a right to know if he has been exposed to STDs. He has a right to know what the truth of his life really is. That is why you tell him.

GoldenR posted 1/19/2020 22:35 PM

If he had found out first, would you have wanted him to tell you?

sassylee posted 1/19/2020 22:50 PM

I wished bad karma on the people who knew about the affair but allowed me to stay ignorant about my own life. Remember, the OBS isnít the enemy. In many situations, they become your best ally to ensure the affair doesnít go underground. Often, the OBS can find texts you donít know about and the AP confesses things your WH is still lying about.

Let the poor man know what is happening in his life. Allow him the knowledge to protect himself physically and emotionally. Do the right thing....even if itís for the wrong reasons.

After all the years Iíve been here - rarely does the OBS want to cause trouble for the innocent victims. Do you think heís deranged? Is he an ex-convict? Probably not or you wouldnít have been in the same social circle when you met them.
When you speak to him, allow him to see you as himself. You are both victims. Be kind and offer to share all information he needs once he gets over the initial shock. Do not insult his wife. Be very straight forward and factual. And DO NOT tell your husband. They quite often call the AP to warn them and get their stories straight. And, if your husband approaches you with the knowledge, youíll know they havenít been ďNo ContactĒ.

Good luck Shocked. Let us know how it goes.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:52 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]

Shocked1989 posted 1/19/2020 22:52 PM

I would definitely want to know. I have heard this man has issues with porn addiction or did, apparently they are both a mess.

sassylee posted 1/19/2020 22:56 PM

First, take anything AP or your WH says about OBS with a grain of salt. My husband made me out to be a psycho control freak. I am the complete opposite of a control freak but when I found my husband lying to doctors to obtain Oxy, I told him I would not tolerate a drug addicted spouse and to stop. I guess that makes me controlling. WS always make their BSís out to be horrible so they can justify their shifty actions.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:57 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]

Robert22205https posted 1/19/2020 22:58 PM

When you notify the OBS do not tell your husband in advance. Why? because he will notify the OW and she will discredit you as jealous or controlling.

Your concerns are pretty common and have been posted and discussed often on this web site. You can scan down the list of topics (like yours) they are self explanatory as to what the subject is.

I don't recall any BS regretting notifying the OBS.

The OBS is being abused and his health is being placed at risk (don't assume this is the OW's first affair).

The OBS may be suspicious (losing sleep and losing weight) and think he's going insane from jealousy or being over controlling.

Finally, the OBS is your best ally in making sure the affair stops.

Mizzbak posted 1/19/2020 23:04 PM

It doesn't matter what your reasons actually are for doing so - telling the OBS (other betrayed spouse) is still the right thing to do. I was once that OBS - and whilst I know that the OW's husband told me because he wanted to hurt my H ... I am still very grateful that he did tell me.

Practically speaking, it also means that there is an extra pair of eyes and ears watching from the other side. (It is not always the case that an "ended" affair stays ended.)

I also think that not telling makes you almost an accessory to the affair ... and that guilt and shame should be none of yours.

Dragonfly123 posted 1/20/2020 00:35 AM

I honestly think itís THIS simple, by keeping it to yourself, youíre protecting (by proxy) the AP and your WS from fallout and consequences. Telling the OBS gives him his personal agency back, his ability to do what he wants to do with a marriage that is currently a sham. Itís simply the moral thing to do.

ibonnie posted 1/20/2020 01:10 AM

I almost feel like telling him the truth will bring bad karma on me.

If anything, I think it would do the opposite. Staying mum would be more likely to bring bad karma, because the you're complicit in covering up an illicit affair.

By telling the OBS (other betrayed spouse), you're enlightening him about the truth/reality of his relationship/life.

And if the situation was reversed, wouldn't you have wanted him to inform you of your partners affair if he found out first? How would you feel if you found out months or years later that he knew about the affair and never gave you a heads up?

[This message edited by ibonnie at 1:11 AM, January 20th (Monday)]

Skoochnski posted 1/20/2020 02:00 AM

First off let me begin by telling you how sorry I am that you found yourself here because of your husbandís actions. And then let me express how happy I am that you have found us because the people here genuinely want to help you. ❤️

As for telling the APs spouse; I always looked at it like this:

Pretend that you are hiking out in the forest on a well traveled trail. Other hikers have taken this path before you and others will come after you. On your journey down this trail you encounter a snake! You successfully avoid the snake and continue on your path. You see other hikers coming toward you.
Wouldnít you warn them about the snake?

You would want to know. He deserves to know.

[This message edited by Skoochnski at 2:04 AM, January 20th (Monday)]

ShutterHappy posted 1/20/2020 10:50 AM

Itís important that you change your mindset: You are, in no way, responsible for the affair. When a BS tells the OBS, the BS "doesnít destroy the other family".

The family destruction and all the other negative consequences are because of the affair.

Itís like the cop ringing the doorbell to inform the occupants of a tragic death. It sucks, but the cops are not responsible.

The Karma, as you call it, should go to the waywards.

So many times we read here on SI, the wayward saying: donít tell the OBS, You will hurt him/her! This is totally backward thinking.

We, the BS are the victims and the Waywards are the one destroying marriages, families, lives.

Shocked1989 posted 1/20/2020 11:08 AM

Thanks so much for your input everyone. I spoke to the OBS today and everything is out. Heís shocked but guess what...itís happened before. No surprise there!

ShutterHappy posted 1/20/2020 15:29 PM

You did the right thing. Now if your WH complains about this (assuming you didnít tell him), it means that your WH and his AP are still talking.

faithfulman posted 1/20/2020 15:34 PM

Tell him yesterday.

pearlamici posted 1/20/2020 16:29 PM

You did the right thing. Did you tell your WH? Or are you waiting to hear if he "somehow" finds out OBS now knows ?

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