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New here....need advice, questions.

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RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/21/2020 16:12 PM

So many questions.

My husband is here, too, posted in the Wayward side. I hope I'm allowed to say that. He really wants feedback. He has no stopsign on his post. His name is Rizziedizzy.

His post contains most of his life story. I will start with when we met.

He was amazing and wonderful to me. I had just gotten out of a marriage with a man who had multiple EA's (no PA's that I know of). My ex-husband truly did everything wrong. He blamed me for the affair, refused counseling, made excuses "we're just friends", trickle-truthed, continued to lie, etc etc etc etc.

When I met my now-husband, he immediately struck me as so different. First of all, he is so smart, and we could (and still can) have long conversations about anything and everything. He told me the truth about a lot of things right away. But also hid a lot of things from me. Because he told me these truths, I thought he was someone that was very honest and truthful. He was also the guy that remembered every little detail about you, that surprised you with things, and the guy that was ALWAYS where he said he was going to be when he said he was going to be there. He always called when he said he was going to call. If he was going to be late he would let me know. He put in so much effort into our relationship. I fell, and hard.

At six months in, he broke up with me very suddenly. I didn't take it well. In fact, I lost a few friends over it and ended up in trouble a couple times at work because of it. This is the first time I realized I'm a bit dependent. This was the very first time I had been living alone. I was with my ex-husband since I was 15 years old. He was controlling, so I had never really learned to take care of myself. I never thought I COULD take care of myself.

I learned quickly that I could. When I moved out, I bought my own place, did my own finances, etc. That helped me build a lot of confidence.

Anyways. I pestered my now-husband/then ex-boyfriend for a week to tell me why he broke up with me. He finally confessed that he cheated on me, with one woman, and said a lot of things. A lot of things like "I'm a cheater, a horrible person, you don't want me, you don't want to be with me, you deserve better, I'm better off dead" etc.

At this point I became very concerned and there was probably some trauma bonding or whatever its called. Anyways I got him to a clinic where he was diagnosed with a sex addiction, depression, and anxiety. He got prescribed some medication and counseling.

A week or so later we got back together.
A month or so after that came the true D-Day. He showed me a message from an old hook up in his phone (an attempt to show me things and be truthful) but I didn't like how he had worded the text and we fought. I asked to see his phone. He handed it to me and I went through it and....holy God. He had never deleted anything and I felt like I was going to throw up. So many women. He had cheated on me so many times before he broke up with me. There was not just one woman. There were many. He had sex with many women while we were broken up. But the majority of it was messages seeking sex. Girls he had met off of various dating apps, websites, etc. Pictures, text messages, etc.

I realized the problem was a lot bigger. We went through his whole phone. Afterwards, he said he felt better that it all came out.

I did NOT find anything incriminating since the day we got back together. Not since the HOUR we got back together, to be exact. I suppose its possible he could have deleted it. But I'm not sure why he wouldn't have deleted everything.

He did continue to message his ex a few times, as they had been talking when we had broken up, but he had told her we had gotten back together, and there was nothing inappropriate in the messages. A lot of talk about cars. Lol.

So we bought several books about sex addiction, read them, he continued to go to counseling, and we had nightly talks. At this point we were still long distance. He told his father, his sisters, and he flew to see his mother and told them all that he has a sex addiction, about the childhood abuse, and the incest. His mother said nothing, just cried.

Things went really well. He moved in with me. We found a counselor in my area and started couples counseling, but he stopped going individually (first mistake, I think). We went together every week for quite a while but after a while things were so good that we slacked and stopped going except when something would come up (a trigger for me, usually) and we would head back.

He was great about all of it. He never ever blamed me, never argued with me, always took responsibility for his actions. I was always allowed to go through his phone at any time and he never complained about this. He deleted several apps off of his phone at first but over time we got lax about this. He didn't drink alone, any rule I made he happily agreed to and even said he liked it because it was "insurance" for him. He got tested for every STD once a month for like 6 months until he developed a fear of needles LOL.

We fell into life. We bought a house. We got married. We fixed up our house which is still not done. We paid off TONS of debt and got both of ourselves into a better financial situation. He worked his way up in jobs until he now makes great money. We fixed his credit score which is now great. (He had ruined his life due to his sex addiction, he never had any money because he spent his days texting girls instead of working)

He paid off his back child support. We developed a great relationship with his baby mama and we have his son every other weekend. He's now a better dad and more actively involved in his son's life.

We've gone on several vacations. We've just...lifed. Lol.

A few things came up here and there but nothing too terrible. A few months ago he messaged a girl that is a friend of a friend to ask if her and her husband wanted to hang with him and myself sometime. The message itself was fine, but he admitted that his intent behind talking to her was shaky and that it kind of scared him.

Now finally on to whats happening now. He sent a message to my best friends sister via Instagram and insinuated she should come over. I was in the hospital at the time. He was drunk. He fully admits and fully admitted as soon as I asked him that his intentions were to have her over for sex. He does not think he would have done it sober. He is not sure if he would have gone through with having sex, and how can anyone be sure? He doesn't have a lot of answers for what was going through his head, probably because he was drunk.

Obviously, I'm very upset, and so is my friend. I had to find out from my friend. I'm mostly upset that he didn't confess to me on his own.

I told him he needed to tell me everything and be honest. He said I knew everything. I then logged into his Twitter account. Nope, hadn't been honest about everything.
He did not chat with girls or anything but he just made a bunch of gross comments on girls pics about their boobs. He was not seeking out sex and frequently mentioned his wife in his posts. Its just....gross. I told him this.

Because I told him I needed complete honesty and he didn't tell me about the Twitter account (although he did delete the Twitter app off his phone and planned to never use it again), I now feel like I can't trust that he will be honest with me about things moving forward and that he hasn't been honest with me about everything else. He said he NEVER planned to tell me.

He swears he has never had sex with anyone since we got back together. He even went through several girls and asked me. Girl x? I said no that was when we were broken up. Girl y? I said no, that was before we broke up. Girl z? I said no, that was also before we broke up. He is terrible at remembering, probably because there are so many.

I chose to forgive him when we got back together, and I have done a lot of work moving passed that initial trauma, because he is SUCH a different person now. But if he's had sex with someone and withheld it from me, or lied to me about other things since we got back together? That's the part I will be upset about. I've always always always told him, if you fuck up just tell me. I'll likely forgive you if you tell me honesty. Its the lying that hurts the most. But he doesn't tell me!!!!!!!

Anyways here we are. He is going to IC twice a week, started two weeks ago.

He is going to do a full STD panel tonight at the walk in clinic, for my peace of mind.

I have booked a polygraph test on Thursday evening for $800 (!!!!!!!!!!!) I get three questions. WH says he will happily pay this for the price of my peace of mind for the rest of our marriage.

We both wish for R. I love him so very much and can't imagine my life without him.

He is not the same, romantic person I met in the beginning. I do not know why. He is....muted? I don't know another way to explain it. He does not show his emotions. But he is still good to me. We do not fight much. We usually talk it out. He has NEVER called me a name. Ever. He has never sworn at me, ever. He is good with my son. He is sweet to me, always brings me tea in the morning, etc. We laugh together. I think we've always had a good sex life. Although for him I know he doesn't feel the connection as much during, but afterwards.

Anyways. Advice I am seeking-
I have read so much conflicting advice. Some say that in order to move on you must get the polygraph so you know for sure, you must give control of electronics, etc. Others say that is codependent and enabling behavior and he is the one who has to change. It isn't my responsibility to monitor his every move and it isn't my responsibility to coerce him to tell me the truth.

So I'm asking for advice on what to do. Should we proceed with the polygraph? He seems very confident he will pass and isn't concerned. The $800 will hurt us but I agree with what he said, it might be worth it for piece of mind.

The STD testing is giving me so much anxiety because I already have health anxiety. At this point I think I believe he hasn't slept with anyone. But I don't want to put my health at risk so he's going to do this. I will also get tested at my next check up which is soon.

He will continue with individual counseling. He has been listening to a lot of podcasts and reading a lot.

I'm so scared. I know we are CAPABLE of moving past this. But I want him to feel empathy and emotion and show me that. I think he gets caught in the self-hate and shame spiral so much that he forgets to think about MY feelings. I also think he overthinks things to the point of insanity, lol. He questions himself so much. He is so scared of failing. Which makes me scared. We have built such a life together. I'm just so sad.

I'm sorry for the book. Thank you for listening and any advice is appreciated.

RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/21/2020 16:53 PM

I wanted to add a few other details. There were a few other "slip ups" since we got back together.

He texted his ex "good morning" on his birthday. I believe this was actually 2 days before D-day. She replied good morning. When asked why he did that, he said he wanted to see if she would remember that it was his birthday and wish him happy birthday. She didn't, so he didn't reply. ETA- timeline- right after we got back together, prior to d-day, 3.5 years ago.

He also messaged her a few times after he first started therapy. He deleted the messages. I contacted her and their stories matched- It was mostly him apologizing for the things he did to her while they were together, since the topic of her had come up in therapy. I understand this. What I don't understand is why he couldn't tell me that he wanted to do it and why he deleted the messages. Not that I should trust her but she said she truly has no idea why he deleted them because there was nothing bad at all and it was mostly him apologizing. ETA- timeline- again 3.5 years ago, right after he started counseling. I donít fault him for wanting to apologize. Itís the hiding.

HOWEVER- I believe there was one message asking if she wanted to stop by and see a car at his shop. Now to her this seemed innocent because it was originally her car and he fixed it up but for him I think it was a way to talk to her or get her over there. She didn't go. This was about a month or so after D-Day? I think I found out by reading his e-mails. ETA- timeline- this was 3.5 years ago, soon after D day.

There were also a couple times a year or so ago where he just did stupid things like comment on a girls instagram "I like your dog" which seems innocent but I know him and I know he does these things to try and start a conversation or to get attention from women and he admitted this to me when I pointed it out. ETA-timeline- when he first moved here so about 2.5-3 years ago.

Other things were just adding a snapchat model once, and liking instagram model pics which doesn't bother me honestly but I worry that its a slippery slope for him.

He will send random messages to people online, idk. Some of it I think is just he's more comfortable with himself online than in person. He enjoys meeting people online whereas I do not. Because it is not always women. Anyways.

Other things he did during that time was got a new phone number, a new email account, and blocked all his old hook ups from his social media accounts. ETA- these were GOOD things he did, not bad. I kind of added this in the wrong place. He changed his phone and email so old contacts couldnít get a hold of him.

Now, his Instagram is deleted too.

I think that's all I wanted to add for now. Thanks.

[This message edited by RizzieDizzysWife at 7:51 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

Lifeexploded posted 1/21/2020 17:05 PM

I am married to a sex addict. Just had dday 4 years after the first. I highly recommend that you end your marriage with this man. I am so sorry that you are here.

Buffer posted 1/21/2020 17:16 PM

Hi RDW,
Well what a history you have, sorry for your predicament.
One day at a time. You have done a lot for him and you.
The STD and polygraph good idea but costly. The bonus is piece of mind. Sounds like a very co dependant relationship there are various support groups for these that can help both of you. The issues of why doesnít he just tell you... Most likely shame. He has made a error or bad decision but will lie so not to hurt you or lower his stature in your eyes.
Keep talking, seek IC for you. But remember none of this is your fault donít take it on as you didnít do something. At the end of the day he has to be accountable for his actions.
You canít save the world.

Buffer

sorryforeverythi posted 1/21/2020 18:04 PM

Wow, what a tale. It's good you found this site but you might not like what some of the members feel about your situation.

I read what you wrote, all of it and wow. It made me sad.

Your husband is an idiot. He is playing you and knows what buttons to push to get his way. He might have a sex addiction but really he just has not sense of self control.

You need to sit down and write out all that you think he has done, put on paper and see all the events, all the little things.

If you do that you will see what I saw, I person that pushes the boundaries again and again on you because he knows you will forgive him and he can be your lapdog for a few months and then go back to chasing pussy.

It looks like you are codependent on him and you feel that you are the only one that can save him.

News flash, you can't save him. I didn't read his other post on WS but I am sure it is full of excuses and him lamenting "I don't know what I am thinking/doing"

Impulse control, see a therapist

Drinking, exacerbates impulse control, quit fucking drinking.

Texting his ex, so fucking wrong on so many levels. She's an ex, leave her in the past.
Why does he give a shit if she remembers his birthday. Did you forget it??

He is an insecure person always looking for external validation. Do the work and see he isn't worth it and move on.

If you don't then please come back, we will be here to support you and comfort you when you hit another Dday.

post script.
I read his post. RUN, if you don't then you need to be ready for a lot of stuff coming your way. He needs a whole bunch of therapy and you are going to have to deal with the peeling of that onion, every time he goes something will come up.

He obviously doesn't have the rational coping skills to stop what he does.

I feel bad that you care so much for him but some people are just broken on the inside.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 6:09 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/21/2020 18:48 PM

These responses are making so sad. Iím not ready to leave. I appreciate that anyone can write anything they want on this board but I would appreciate advice that doesnít just involve telling me to leave him, as trying to sway me that way isnít going to help me right now because Iím just not there. If I eat my words then I do. But right now Iím not ready to leave.

Iím trying to face reality. Am I not? I canít see what you see, above poster. Are all the things you said first still true after you read his post? Or did your opinion change?

I agree he is broken. But he wants so bad to be different. I donít think I can save him, I want him to save himself. If he didnít want to change it would be different. But he wants to. He doesnít want to be like this. He doesnít like who he is.

I know you all have been through similar things and I appreciate your worry. Maybe Iím stupid for thinking I will be different.

I just cannot imagine divorce right now. Our children love each other and are brothers. I love him and our family and what weíve built together. I would miss him so much. Heís my best friend.

Gonna go cry now.

RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/21/2020 19:04 PM

STD testing is done just waiting for results.

Wanted to add that the ex texting was 3 and a half years ago in the timeline of things. It was right after we got back together, before D Day.

Not saying itís excusable. Maybe Iím looking to make it seem better. Itís just heís such a different person than he was then.

Or at least I think. I hope. Praying he passes the polygraph on Thursday. I feel like Iím being insane.

sorryforeverythi posted 1/21/2020 19:07 PM

Hey I feel your pain. Go read my post and see the feedback that I got. It's harsh but you are in the midst of it we are all outsiders looking in.

We are telling you what we see based on the information you provided.

Its not fun, it's not probably what you want to hear but its the truth from 72,000 people that have all been betrayed.

Collective Wisdom, we know what happens, if you read the histories of the people that respond to you, you will see that all of us wanted to ignore what was blatantly obvious to an outsider.

Its not fun, it sucks, you have been betrayed, repeatedly.

If wishes where fishes we would all cast nets.

He needs to fix himself and based on what he said he tries and then screws up over and over and over again. He puts himself in the idiotic situations where someone that was trying to change would stop and ask themselves, should I be doing this, not I like getting validation from women so I flirt alot.

You won't hear that your the fantasy of you partner is what you think it is, but all of this comes from a place of compassion.

WE HAVE ALL BEEN THROUGH IT

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 7:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/21/2020 19:19 PM

So...is the only option for me to leave then? Thatís the only good choice I have here? Thereís no other way for me to be happy? Because he will never change? Is that what everyone here is going to tell me? I just need to divorce him?

Iím so sad.

RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/21/2020 19:24 PM

One last question. Before D day, before the diagnosis, he did so many things but afterwards- yes. Heís had slip ups. For sure.. but itís probably 1% of what he used to do. Does that count for anything? Canít he do even better? Or that still doesnít matter? Iím asking honestly.

Cooley2here posted 1/21/2020 19:42 PM

He needs therapy with an expert on sex addiction. He needs group therapy. You need to stop being the marriage police. You are in so much pain right now. The same prayer for alcoholics is also for betrayed spouses:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You can only be in charge of your own life. If he is randomly hooking up with lots of women he IS going to get a disease. Itís a matter of time. You need to figure out how to protect yourself.

I have looked at enough info to know that the high some people get is the chase, the grooming, and that sex is the let down because the high is gone, until the next time. I repeat...he needs intense therapy.

Itís not up to any of us to police you either. Itís your marriage.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 7:43 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

sorryforeverythi posted 1/21/2020 19:50 PM

Following up on what cooley said.

It is your choice. It is always your choice. You can look for all the good in the piles of shit he leaves around and find justification for whatever you truly want to do.

I don't know the man. I read what he wrote. He has a freight train load of crap in his past that he needs intensive therapy to get past.

If you add in the added stress of remaining faithful and dealing with a spouse and maybe holding down a job its a massive work load on his shoulders.

It looks like he has a drinking problem as well. You know what makes stopping drinking really effin hard??? STRESS

It is your life, and your decision. Just accept that either way you decide there is going to be heartache, either now or later or maybe continually.

I feel for you I really do, Love is a MF and loving someone broken is the worst because you only want to see the good but sometimes the good isn't there.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 7:50 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

nekonamida posted 1/21/2020 19:57 PM

RDW, I know that's not what you want to hear but the truth is everyone in R has had to reach to a place of being willing to let go of the marriage in order to save it. Many successful R stories only happened because the BS finally put their foot down and said no more to the infidelity and followed it up with the 180, a lawyer, and an airtight list of demands that they didn't budge on.

Right now your WS knows that you're not going anywhere. He knows he only has to do so much until you're no longer angry and back to being overly trusting. And then he chooses to put himself back into bad situations and try to cheat on you again. Doesn't matter if he wasn't successful. Attempting to and hiding it from you is just as bad.

Go through with the polygraph. Get IC for yourself. Ask yourself honestly why you're holding on to him so tightly when he keeps hurting you. Pick up a copy of "Codependent No More".

And one more thing - YOU are not responsible for keeping him from cheating. YOU are not at fault for lax boundaries. HE is entirely responsible for his own actions and he did not get lax. He chose to break boundaries when he thought he could get away with it and he needs to own up to that without any excuses for this to ever have a chance at working out in a healthy way for you.

Buffer posted 1/21/2020 20:16 PM

Like any person with an addiction, IC, therapy, support, boundaries etc there is a way ahead. Unfortunately as there is a monkey on their back whispering in his ear.
He may falter along this journey of monogamy he may not. Unfortunately it will affect you if he does in fact break. The only certainty is that there is no certainty.
There are no magic words or wands that can help.
Be strong but never accept second best for yourself.

Buffer

ohsospecial posted 1/21/2020 21:39 PM

RDW, Iíve read RDís post twice, and read yours three times.

RDís early life will require years (probably) of therapy. Then, his behavior as an adult requires even more therapy. Your desire to love and support him would be admirable, in my opinion, IF the problems werenít so severe. But I truly believe you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartbreak.

When I read your post the third time, about how youíve found nothing on his phone lately, made me wonder if he might have a secret phone youíre unaware of. Iím not sure why I thought of that; it just kind of popped into my mind.

Please take care. You donít have to make a decision right now, but itís important to imagine yourself 25 years from now, still struggling with HIS issues.

RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/22/2020 08:11 AM

I added in some timeline details to my second post for clarification, and clarified the phone and email thing which was actually a good thing.

To answer a few people- he definitely does not have another phone. His check goes directly into the bank account and I control the finances. This was a requirement when we first met. Now, our account is joint and he has access to all the money, but he doesnít have another source of income so I donít know how he would get another phone.

He does have GPS on. His google account is synced to my phone so I can see all his pictures, emails, google searches, and GPS data. Iíve combed through it all on various occasions. Heís never gone anywhere unusual. Work, the gas station, home.

We have one car right now so we ride to work together. He works very near my work.

STD results are slowly coming in. All negative. I got into his online health chart (with his permission of course) to see the results. The note the doctor wrote was up there too. It said something like ďpatient here for STD screening. He has no concerns for STDs or symptoms, but notes his wife found out he texted someone and wanted peace of mind. I asked him straight if he had any other sexual partners and he assured me he had not, but was only doing this for his wifeĒ Lol.

The polygraph is scheduled for Thursday. He is very unconcerned about it. I have asked him straight out several questions and he has said no to all of them-
Have you had sex with anyone?
Have you made another email account?
Have you ever made a dating profile?
Have you ever downloaded a dating app?
Have you ever created or responded to an ad?
Have you ever contacted any of your exís or previous ONSís?
Have you ever had any sexual contact with anyone besides me?
Have you ever sent pics of yourself?
Have you ever received pics?
Have you ever downloaded another messenger app?
Have you ever made plans to meet with anyone for sex?
Have you ever made another IG or FB profile?
Have you ever made another Twitter account?
Have you ever deleted your internet history?

He says no to all of these questions (since we got back together) and said I am free to ask any of these at the polygraph. Iím going to ask if I can combine a few (send or receive pics, make or respond to a profile/ad), since I only get 3 questions.

I read him these responses last night and cried. He felt sad too, like no one believes he can truly change. I pointed out a few things, like the fact that it was his responsibility to uphold our agreements, it wasnít me getting lax. He agreed. I told him I need to take a step back from monitoring him and let him be responsible for himself. He also agreed. These responses were very hard for us to read and I cried a lot. We both still want to try.

The advice he received on his was to go to SA, I told him he has to look for a group, make a plan and find it on his own and tell me about and go to it with zero reminders from me. He agreed and even stopped me this morning when I reminded him of his counseling appointment today. (I keep track of the family schedule so itís hard for me to not micromanage everything, lol). I pointed out that one of the reasons he may be doing so much better is because I hold him accountable and give him less opportunities (like pp said by being the marriage police) instead of him learning to police himself. He agreed with this too.

For now he is not drinking.
ETA his DUI in his post was over 10 years ago. Maybe 12.

I got a copy of Codependent No More, so Iíll start reading that. I know I need to focus on my OWN recovery. And HE needs to focus on and be in charge of HIS. I have been playing his case manager for too long. He needs to take responsibility for himself.

For now, we will see how it goes. I need to learn to become stronger. And I need to have a plan if things go south.

I think thatís all for now.

[This message edited by RizzieDizzysWife at 8:19 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

HellFire posted 1/22/2020 08:29 AM

A burner phone is easy to obtain.

They're super cheap at any gas station,dollar store,etc

He could get gas,go in and pay,and add a burner phone to his total, without it being obvious.

He can purchase cards to add money to his phone, at the store. Or he can take money out at the register, small amounts, so it's not noticeable.

Or an OW could give him a phone.

Or he could buy one off of a local sale site on Facebook, with money taken at the register, when buying groceries.

As for the GPS never saying he is anywhere else..his phone may stay at work,when he leaves for an hour or two.

Polygraph questions..

Have you had any sexual contact with anyone else since xx date?

When you tell me you don't remember, or don't know, are you being honest?

Have you withheld anything about your cheating from me?


I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

What will you do if he fails the polygraph?


Lifeexploded posted 1/22/2020 08:42 AM

I just want to say again, I am so so sorry. I read my early self in your replies. At first I was very optimistic also. And there is nothing wrong with that. However, you need to be pragmatic. These sex addicts will do whatever they have to to get high. My husband passed polygraphs, assured me he was being a good boy, etc. I installed a spy app on his phone. It could record sound. Within days I heard his flirting with the tech at the lab. I can't remember why he was there, but I'm pretty sure he was getting blood drawn for his STD testing.

DO NOT ever believe a word he says. Watch him very carefully. If you are still child bearing age I strongly recommend you do not get pregnant. I would recommend that if you continue to be intimate, you use a condom. If you are not working, start doing so so that you can support yourself if you ever do decide to leave. I made the mistake of not doing that and now it's taking years to build my own business so that I can divorce when it is time and still manage to raise 6 kids and not be dirt poor. Get to a place where you are financially independent now.

I would recommend that you get a post-nup. Dictate what will happen with finances if you get a divorce as a result of his asshattery (infidelity). I should have done this.

Don't always believe that stupid Google map. For one thing it's not 100% accurate. Second, my husband met up for a craigslist hookup at a gas station that he was supposed to be at FOR WORK, DURING WORK HOURS. WHILE I WAS IN CHURCH WITH OUR CHILDREN.

Hide a VAR in his car. Lots of resources here on how to do this and the ones that are recommended.

This situation is the PERFECT storm for relapses. If you are ok with him continuing to slip up, then by all means stay. I would literally bet some good money that it will happen again.

I know you don't like reading what we are saying. When I first joined SI, I didn't either. It pissed me off. I couldn't believe this people. MY HUSBAND WAS DIFFERENT. He wanted to change. He said he had been wanting me to find out so he could stop. He said all the right things. He took 4 polygraphs. First two were inconclusive, second two he passed. I stayed away from SI for months. Kept coming back when I needed support and had nobody else to turn to.

But you know what? Most of us who are replying have been here for YEARS. We have seen (read) everything. Nothing you could say would surprise us and we could finish your sentences. I swear there is a book somewhere titled "How to Be a Cheater". They all use the same handbook.

Read everything, take what you need. And just consider that we might know what we are talking about and tread very carefully. Keep your eyes wide open.

I really do wish you the best of luck.

HellFire posted 1/22/2020 08:47 AM

Im sorry the responses made you sad.

One thing you need to understand about this place. We all care. We all know your pain. And we all want him to be able to change. We all want you to be happy.

But we also won't sugarcoat anything for you. We don't love him,so we have a perspective that you don't have. Can he change? Of course. Will He? That depends on how much effort he puts into changing. The odds are against him. He will always be a sex addict. He will always need to see a CSAT. He will always need treatment.

The bare minimum he should be doing..

Full transparency. You get full access to everything. All accounts..email,phone,etc,etc.

He answers all of your questions with complete honesty,without anger.

No friends of the opposite sex.

No alcohol,no drugs

Routine polygraphs

No social media

A basic phone without internet


And anything you need to feel safe.

I am bothered by his comments to the doctor. He wasn't being tested simply because you found he had texted someone. Also, the doctor should have had his complete medical history, a and that he had been diagnosed with a curable STD 10 times in the past. The doctor also should have known he has been with men. It sounds like he got the basic STD tests done, when he should have had a full panel of tests done. He was dishonest with his doctor. Not a good sign.

One of the problems here,is this sets you up to be the marriage police. You will constantly have to monitor him. That will get real old, real fast.

There is a thread for some dealing with sex addicts in the I can relate forum. You can post there to get more insight from women who know what the future holds for you.

I'm curious. Who found this site first?

HellFire posted 1/22/2020 08:49 AM

A var will do no good. He is on this site,and reading this thread.

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