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New here....need advice, questions.

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RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/22/2020 09:30 AM

Iím confused about how he was not honest with the doctor. The reason he got STD testing WAS because I asked him to because of the texting incident. And he did get the full panel. HIV, hep B & C, syphillis, g, chl, & trich.

He was tested many many times after D day. Every test once a month.

He says he has not been with anyone since then.

To pp- how did you find out about all of the other stuff? Iíve never seen any evidence of him having another phone or another woman, any of this. Iím not saying itís not possible, but these arenít things Iíve ever considered before. These also arenít things heís done in the past.

I guess....yes he could be doing 1000 things I donít know about. He could have 3 burner phones and multiple women and they could pick him up at work over his lunch break and he leaves his phone at work and he could be living this whole entire double life that would take up all of his time....itís possible. Anything is possible. I guess I thought I would have seen evidence of this by now or found that he did this in the past when I found out everything. Iím not saying this isnít possible maybe Iím totally naive itís just that this would be a very very large amount of effort and double life. I guess I never considered this as possibility.

[This message edited by RizzieDizzysWife at 9:36 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

HellFire posted 1/22/2020 09:38 AM

The texts may have been the catalyst for you having him tested, but it's his entire history that caused you to wonder if he was being truthful.

I'm glad he got a full panel. It wasn't clear in your earlier posts. He will have to be retested a few months afterwards, as I'm sure his doctor instructed.

It's necessary that he tell the doctor he has been with men,because there are different,additional, tests they give to men who have been with men.

I realize you love him. But you are very defensive and protective of him..and YOU are the victim here. Its not as if he couldn't stop himself. He could. He chose not to.

You are very wrapped up in getting him help. What are you doing for yourself?

nekonamida posted 1/22/2020 09:39 AM

RDW, I think you're doing an amazing job at implementing the advice you both are getting. This is a very serious case of SA. His childhood reads like a horror story. Even under the BEST of circumstances, he will be dealing with this for years and probably the rest of his life. The only thing you can do is stick to your boundaries and work on yourself and it sounds like you're already putting those first steps in.

Just know that no matter what happens in your marriage, you will be okay. D is not a failure if it happens. It is an opportunity for you to get healthy and create a better life for yourself without a cloud of infidelity hanging over you. No matter what, as long as you take your healing into your own hands, you will thrive on the other side of this. You can do it.

RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/22/2020 09:50 AM

Sorry. I donít mean to be defensive. I just wanted to clarify the STD thing. Iím trying to get all the info I can and keep my eyes wide open here. But also I still love him and my life.

I have a great job. Good benefits. No issues there. Iím on birth control. No more kids for me. Heís had a V, because I didnít want to get my tubes tied.

Iím sorry Iím just having a hard time. I know he has this terrible history but I came here about a text message and now Iím thinking about burner phones, conspiracy theories (lol), GPAs, polygraphs, phone cards, etc. a double life. A man who is lying to me about everything not just a couple things. Give me some time for my brain to adjust lol.

I know Iíll be ok. Just sad. Sad for me. Sad for him. Sad for our children.

I have no desire to date again. I would just focus on my son.

For me- Iím going to read the codependent no more book. I have my career. My son, two best friends who are great. Iíve been trying to lose some weight. Got a new skincare regimen. A good book in the mail on the way to me. Idk. Normal stuff. What else should I do?

The car is in my name. I have money. I wonít be left with nothing or anything.

EllieKMAS posted 1/22/2020 10:24 AM

Hi RDW, I don't have a whole lot to add that other posters have not already said, but just wanted to tell you that I am glad you found SI, even though it sucks that you had to.

I'm so scared. I know we are CAPABLE of moving past this. But I want him to feel empathy and emotion and show me that. I think he gets caught in the self-hate and shame spiral so much that he forgets to think about MY feelings. I also think he overthinks things to the point of insanity, lol. He questions himself so much. He is so scared of failing. Which makes me scared. We have built such a life together. I'm just so sad.
Fear is a very normal emotion in these circumstances. The trick is to not let the fear paralyze you into doing nothing,

Gently, you cannot 'make' him have empathy for you, nor emotion for you. My xwh was a lot like that too, and I made the same excuses about the shame-spiral and that he was overthinking. Guess what - he wasn't. He was an unremorseful douchehole that did not give two shits about the hurt and damage he was causing. I stayed for 9 months after dday1 and he spent that time lying to me repeatedly.

I am not going to tell you that you have to divorce, nor will I advocate reconciling. I will just tell you, from my experience, that it is vital that you pay attention to his actions and not his words. I know when you are scared and hurting it is so easy to snow yourself into believing what they say, just because it feels like a life raft in turbulent water. But the sad truth is that the pretty words are a life raft with a hole in it that will sink out from under you.

Iím sorry Iím just having a hard time. I know he has this terrible history but I came here about a text message and now Iím thinking about burner phones, conspiracy theories (lol), GPAs, polygraphs, phone cards, etc. a double life. A man who is lying to me about everything not just a couple things. Give me some time for my brain to adjust lol.
Of course you're having a hard time! You do not have to apologize for that. And all of the people responding here were in your shoes once upon a time. I well remember when I first found SI and what a wreck I was.

As far as burner phones and conspiracy theories - I know when I first got here I was just like you. Full of hope and 'knowing' that we would get past it. I got much of the same advice and felt like it was all just ridiculous and that my situation was unique and different. That would be a nope. My cheater was the same as all the other cheaters. My situation was NOT unique. That is both very sad and strangely comforting. I am in no way saying that all of this applies to your situation, but people are telling you to look out for those things because SIers see the same stuff over and over and over again. IMHO, it is better to have all that in the back of your mind - because cheaters LIE. And then they lie. And then they lie some more. Read through JFO/General - so many people come back on dday2, dday3, etc. I did too. And it is sad how so many cheaters are sooooo alike.

In my case, I truly feel like the 9 months of false reconciliation between dday1 and dday2 screwed me up worse than the actual affair did. Dday2 just wiped me out. If I can help just one other JFO to avoid that level of pain, then I will gladly share my story.

No matter which way this turns out you are going to be OK. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but you really really will. Focus on YOU. YOUR thoughts, wishes, needs, and wants. I would echo others and highly recommend IC for yourself to help you in processing all of this.

Sending you strength and good juju!

RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/22/2020 10:48 AM

Okay. So what do I do from here?

You all have given me so much to think about but I don't know anything for sure.

He could be doing all of that. He could not.

So do I just leave this man and divorce him? I would be divorcing him because I am basically saying he cannot and will not change. And that he hasn't been fully honest with me.

I do not know if he has a burner phone, or if he buys prepaid phone cards, or if he has done all those other behaviors.

What I do know is that he's willing to take a polygraph, an STD test, go to counseling and do anything he needs to do.

So my choices are sit and wait and see how it goes....or divorce him to protect myself.

It sounds like most people are advocating that I leave now.

Either way its a bad choice. I could leave a man who truly wasn't doing any of those things and really wanted to try.

Or I could stay and have another d-day.

I realize those are my choices.

I guess I'm just surprised so many people are telling me to leave now.

I thought he had changed so much.

He could just be lying about everything.

Why did I even go down this path? I chose this. I chose to marry a sex addict.

I have so many beliefs that I now question. That he's a bad liar when you ask him a direct question. He's always come clean with me. That he is kind of on the autism-spectrum/aspergersish scale which is why he struggles with empathy. (maybe he's just a sociopath). That he loves me. That he wouldn't have done it sober. That he wants so badly to change.

ETA I was with a man that was a skilled cheater. My ex husband. He would sweet talk me. He would lie to my face. He would gas light me. I see none of this in my husband now. My ex had a series of emotional affairs. He was and still is capable of lying straight to anyone's face and doing it so easily. God, they are so different. I wish I could explain it better. Maybe thats why I thought this was different. My current H just...is not like this. I know he has lied by withholding the truth and I KNOW that is JUST as bad. But anytime I've asked him something outright he has answered me straight. In fact, in reading through his text messages to other girls a long time ago, he would answer them straight, too. To a weird degree.

I don't know.

[This message edited by RizzieDizzysWife at 10:52 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/22/2020 11:12 AM

Is there a way to reply to a specific person on here? I can't figure it out.

Lifeexploded- How did your husband pass polygraphs? Did he pass but then cheat? Or was he truly lying on them but passed?

HellFire- Thank you for your suggestions. One thing I am confused about is how to ask for all of these things- no social media, no internet on phone, etc, but then ALSO say that I am not being the marriage police or monitoring. Is that not contradictory? Or am I looking at it the wrong way? Thanks! (ETA I know he will do anything I ask. He already deleted his IG, his Twitter, and his reddit (although all he did on reddit was talk about cars), and also this other forum he was on to talk about computer nerd stuff (nothing incriminating on there either). He has facebook but I have his password. He has the internet but I have parental controls on it LOL. His email comes to my phone and his. His google account is on my phone with internet search, history, gps, etc.

And yes, the encounter with men was a VERY long time ago and he has been tested many many times since then. I wonder if a clearer timeline on his posts would help.

[This message edited by RizzieDizzysWife at 11:16 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

sorryforeverythi posted 1/22/2020 11:34 AM

Rizzie,
From my perspective you need to take a breath.

Poly's are easy to beat, there are numerous ways the easiest way is to be so convinced that you are telling the truth you body doesn't react when asked if you lied, but you need to stop fixating on all of what is being said.

The simple truth is he is a liar. You can look at every situation a million different ways. The truth is he lied and cheated on you.

I read all the posts and the suggestions are solid but you have to ask yourself is it worth it?

You are putting all of your faith and hope into the fact that he will change. Maybe he will, maybe this time he really, really means it and all the other times he wasn't really, really trying.

You will do what you want in the end, you don't owe us anything we are just telling you that it is very inconsistent, human minds hate inconsistency and we try to make sense out of all of it.

The choice will be yours, you know how I feel and living a life that is half yours and half-make-sure-my-husband-isn't-cheating-police-commisoner, sounds like a shitty job title, but it's your life.

He might change, he might not, he might change and relapse or he might not. People don't change unless faced with the abyss and as everyone as said, its a long, long road he has ahead of himself and his lame excuses are just that lame excuses.

I could have cheated on my exe quite a few times, i never thought about it because i loved her too much, she put herself in a position where she did cheat on me because she didn't love me enough.

You know him better than all of us but based on his actions he is broken, but it's your choice.

We will be here either way and if you need to come back we will do what we can to support you but the answer to all of your questions lives inside of you and in your heart of hearts you will decide what you think is right and justify your decision based on that...by the way that's how cheaters function as well.

Notmine posted 1/22/2020 12:04 PM

Sobriety from addiction is a lifelong process. It is a lifetime commitment. In order for the vast majority of addicts to find meaningful sobriety, they must hit "bottom". "Bottom" refers to a time or an event in life that causes an addict to reach the lowest possible point in their disease. It is a time when the person feels like things cannot get worse for them. This is when most of us reach out for help and take it seriously. My husband is an SA. These are the long term actions he takes to stay safe for me - implemented and maintained by HIM, not me.
1. 12 step recovery. 90 meetings in 90 days at first and then ongoing meetings EVERY WEEK.
2. He has a sponsor who he talks to WEEKLY and he works the 12 steps EVERY DAY.
3. He attends counseling EVERY WEEK with a certified sex addictions counselor.
4. He reads suggested literature and takes all suggestions from his sponsor and counselor.
5. He abstains from masturbation (unless I am there) and any porn or stimulating sexual content (my FWH believes these are triggers for him).
6. ALL electronics are open to my perusal, ANY time.
7. He helps other men in crisis, which alleviates the shame.
I am a recovering alcoholic - 21 years sober. We like to say that we get a daily reprieve from our disease. This means that we must continuously commit to a program of recovery...on the daily.

It sounds to me and I think to you that this man is nowhere near ready for a relationship. His promises are addict bullshit. His ACTIONS will tell you whether he is a safe partner for you. I am not saying that addicts do not feel bad and filled with shame in the moment, but these feelings fade as soon as they are off the hot seat and then they are back into the addictive behaviors. If he was really interested in getting sober and maintaining a healthy lifestyle, then you would see the above referenced ACTIONS happening consistently in the LONG TERM. He has figured out that he can engage in his addiction, cry remorse when caught and then go back to his life again. You have told him that you would forgive him if he cheated....NOPE. This is exactly what an addict wants to hear. He MUST have consequences for his actions and you must MEAN them. This pattern will not change unless he gets to the point that is unbearable for HIM. I am sorry to say that you are not helping him get to this point if you accept his addict BS and continue to be there for him. He is showing you who he is and you need to take that seriously. You also need to stop believing him. ANY sexually based internet activity is a trigger for him and leads him into more deviant and dysfunctional behavior. This is why it is vital for him to attend meetings with other addicts...he needs to learn his triggers in order to avoid them.

My recommendation for you is S-anon. It will help you understand the addiction and what it means for you. There is also a doctor named Patrick Carnes, who has an interview on Youtube which was really helpful for me when I was trying to understand sex addiction.

I believe 12-step recovery, in addition to counseling by someone who understands SA, is the only way to deal with sex addiction. This may or may not work, depending on your husbandís level of commitment. You cannot make this decision for him. He must do it on his own. He must help himself. If he is unwilling to engage in the above referenced steps, R.U.N. All addictions progress. He has not found the bottom yet and the bottom will be really ugly. As you have discovered, life with a using addict is living in awful, unrelenting chaos. You do not need to live your life this way.

RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/22/2020 12:14 PM

Someone suggested I make a timeline for myself to see what you all see. So I decided to type it here to see if I can see what you see.

January 2016 began dating

February 2016 "official"

June 2016 broke up- said he cheated with 1 girl, I eventually found out about sex addiction, childhood abuse, etc, and sex with women while we were broken up. Got him into counseling and a psychiatrist. Diagnosed with SA. On meds.

Late June 2016 got back together.

July 2016 True D-Day. Found out he cheated with more than 1 woman before we broke up. 2 for sure. 3 & 4 were right on the line of when we broke up- I can't remember the timeline now. Also a lot of messages to a lot of women. As I'm remembering now, most of these were when we were dating but before we were "official". Also found out he slept 1 more woman while we were broken up. A lot of messages between him and other women while we were broken up. And also several messages while we were together (BEFORE the break up). Also saw that he messaged his ex good morning two days prior and she answered good morning and that was it (the bday thing). I'm struggling to remember a lot of this now. I could go back through that phone to see if I wanted to. A lot of texting women for validation, including his ex's. A lot of emails between he and his ex of him telling her about how he met me and how its hard for him because he knows I'm the one and that means he has to really let her go. Some questioning of advice from her on our relationship. Messages with the two girls that he had sex with- the first one I believe was before we were "official" but were just "dating". The second one is the one he told me about. She came over and they had sex. She asked him if he had a gf and he said yes. It was weird.

September 2016 moved in together, he started therapy. This is when the emails apologizing to his ex occurred.

January?? 2017 commented "I like your dog" on girls IG post

February 2018 bought a house

July 2018 got married

July 2019 messaged friend asking to hang out with her and her husband/me and him, but then made weird comment asking if her husband would be upset about him messaging her. I suspected he was feeling her out, he admitted to seeking validation/flirting.

December 2019 my best friend's sister- IG messages insinuating she should come hang out. (He was drunk.)
Logged into twitter account and found comments on models pictures of their boobs. Just stupid gross things. "Are those real?" etc- I think that was 2 of them actually. One model wrote "I type with my tits" and he wrote "my face is a keyboard" or something gross like that. (These were all models, not "regular" people). I think it was about 4 comments total in about a year's time. Can't remember the last comment, just something stupid again, one line usually. Oh wait I remember! It actually said that his wife would like her tits!! LOL. (I have been known to point out nice boobs here and there.) His other posts do mention his wife and he commented on one woman's picture something about his wife being similar looking to her or something. So I guess that's 5 comments.

I think that's everything. I'm going to read it over now.

sorryforeverythi posted 1/22/2020 12:22 PM

He's an idiot. He cheated on you within 3 months of you being "together" he pleaded for you to stay. You caught him again and he had "3 or 4" other women lined up.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT SEEING HERE???????


Dump him, he is a serial cheater and a fucking loser. "My face is a keyboard"

What is he 14?

You need to take a good hard look at all the shit you put up with. That is fine you wrote a time line write a time line about how many times you stayed up worried he was cheating.

The times you didn't know where he was.

The times he lied to you about anything.

You might be co-dependent or you might just by so convinced that you can't do better you tolerate this crap.

You deserve better, he is playing you. Divorce him move on with you life. You are setting yourself up for more heartbreak and the lottery of what STD you will eventually catch.

Men cheat on women that are willing to cheat on them with, those aren't the highest class women in the world.

redfish posted 1/22/2020 12:29 PM

So my choices are sit and wait and see how it goes....or divorce him to protect myself.

There is a middle ground and that means take control of yourself, you can't control him. He is an a hole and can not keep you and your son safe. It's time for you to take charge for your well being, safety security and happiness.

Don't worry about him, I think you have enough responses here to confirm your idea of him. You still need to watch his actions and unfortunately for now you are the marriage police.

Open a bank account in your name and have your work checks deposited there. Get your name off of any joint credit cards and get your own. After this is done you tell him, not before.

Go to different Alanon meetings and ask, or it's obvious if you listen and not speak too much which women have years in the program. Ask them out for coffee, they won't be like the friends you have. Be concise with your questions to them and follow through with their suggestions for you. Put 5 bucks in the basket.

Good for you with the resolve to make this marriage work.

RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/22/2020 12:32 PM

I think you're right that he doesn't realize his triggers in online behavior. I see now as I'm thinking about this that he hasn't stopped ALL of his online behaviors and a lot of those might be triggers for him. I will talk with him about this tonight.

I'm sure if I showed him those steps he would be willing to do it. I will just have to wait and see if he follows through.

His rock bottom was during the time we met. He lost his business that he owned. Owed so much back child support he almost went to jail. Lost me. That WAS his rock bottom.

I agree he has messed up since then but not near as bad....


Am I really this naive and stupid? What's wrong with me? Why do I love and want him so much? I can't imagine my life without him. He is my best friend. I would miss him so much. Just telling him every part of my day. Laughing at stupid things. Playing video games together. Taking our kids places. Working on our house. Just sitting next to him. We spend so much time together.

Filing for divorce would ruin me right now. Everything I have built with him. We have set and succeeded on so many goals.

He makes me a better person. That may sound crazy but its true. We bring out the best in each other. He encourages me, he lifts me up. I wasn't half of what I am before I met him. I've learned so much about myself and he about himself and us together. We've read so many books together and listened to podcasts and videos. We've grown so much together. I thought we could conquer anything.

I feel like dying right now.

sorryforeverythi posted 1/22/2020 12:44 PM

I gave you my thoughts in brackets.

I think you're right that he doesn't realize his triggers in online behavior. I see now as I'm thinking about this that he hasn't stopped ALL of his online behaviors and a lot of those might be triggers for him. I will talk with him about this tonight.(I am sure he will be totally honest with you, he has such a history of doing that.)

I'm sure if I showed him those steps he would be willing to do it. I will just have to wait and see if he follows through.(Showing him is bs, he needs to do it himself, you hand holding through the process is stupid, its not your job to fix him, it's his.)

His rock bottom was during the time we met. He lost his business that he owned. Owed so much back child support he almost went to jail. Lost me. That WAS his rock bottom. (So what, cheating is his solution to rock bottom, better hope its smooth sailing from here on out or you know his rock bottom will come back and bring on the hookers)

I agree he has messed up since then but not near as bad....(well he only kills the kittens now instead of eating them. Bad is bad, there are no gradations of it.)


Am I really this naive and stupid? (YES) What's wrong with me? (You area good person and you have a loving heart, so this is so foreign to you, you can't understand it.)Why do I love and want him so much? (Because you think you can save Him) I can't imagine my life without him. (You should, it would be so much better) He is my best friend. (My best friends don't purposely fuck me over, but we might have different opinions on friendship and what it means) I would miss him so much.(Yeah, I miss my ex but she still left me for a married man. I can miss her, but I don't have to be with her) Just telling him every part of my day. (Get a dog, they listen to anything, mine does) Laughing at stupid things. (Yeah like he laughs at you when he's hitting on other women) Playing video games together. (Yeah video games are cool, lots of interaction about important things like cheating and how much you love him) Taking our kids places. (Yeah bringing spawn into the world, doing what normal parents are supposed to do, is he hitting on women while he is with you?) Working on our house. Just sitting next to him. We spend so much time together.(You spend time with him, where is his mind, on you? or the girl he just met)

Filing for divorce would ruin me right now. (Why? that is a great excuse but doesn't seem realistic) Everything I have built with him.(Sounds like you did all the work) We have set and succeeded on so many goals.(I am surprised being in a faithful, loving relationship wasn't one of your goals. It was mine, that's why I am single now)

He makes me a better person.(OMG, you need therapy if you truly believe that, a better person wouldn't tolerate any of this crap) That may sound crazy but its true. We bring out the best in each other.(You bring out his need to cheat on women? That doesn't seem like a good thing) He encourages me, he lifts me up. (While waiting for a text from his latest conquest) I wasn't half of what I am before I met him. (That's sad) I've learned so much about myself and he about himself and us together. (Excuse) We've read so many books together and listened to podcasts and videos. We've grown so much together. (Grown so much he needs to share himself with other women) I thought we could conquer anything. (Well as long as you a doormat sure he can do anything)

I feel like dying right now. (You are conflicted because deep down you probably see the writing on the wall and know what you should do, you just don't want to.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 12:46 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

Walkingthewire posted 1/22/2020 12:50 PM

I'm sorry you're here. I am also sorry that the responses have made you sad. However, It is you WH and the situation that he has put you in that should make you even sadder.
We do not sugar coat things. We have all been where you are right now and that pain is something we don't wish on our worst enemy.

You really only have 2 options. R, and we will be here when he lapses again.
Or D, move on with your life and leave the situation.
In my mind, from what I have read from both of y'alls posts, he is not a good candidate for R. Since he has a sex addiction, he may never be. Are you prepared for that?

Loving any kind of addict is not easy. I've spoken to friends who say they should have left sooner. Then I have people like my sister who loves a drug addict, who is constantly relapsing. She almost lost her kids because of him. But she "loves him"
she can not see what everyone else does. And it irritates me to no end.

Your WH is going to need counseling for the rest of his life likely.
Addicts don't take help seriously until they hit rock bottom, and sometimes they don't even realize it then. Are you prepared to go to rock bottom with him?
Edited to add: I'm also concerned that he blames his childhood for everything. There are people everywhere that had horrible childhoods (me included) and do not use those as an excuse for addiction or way of living now as adults.

[This message edited by Walkingthewire at 12:52 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

EllieKMAS posted 1/22/2020 12:59 PM

RDW, you are not stupid or naive. And all of us on here (regardless of whether we are R'd or D'd) put our trust and love into someone that turned out to be not so trustworthy. This doesn't necessarily imply that there is something 'wrong' with you. I know for me, I am an honest & trustworthy person. I run on the assumption that everyone else is too. My "wrongness" there is projecting how I am on others. But it isn't wrong unless I allow the behavior of others to dictate my feelings. Does that make sense?

I want to tweak your perspective a little. If your best girl friend slept with your husband and lied to your face about it... would you really consider her a 'friend'? Right now he is NOT your friend. Friends do not damage each other the way he has damaged you. And he may have built you up in the past, but he sure a shit isn't building you up now.

Okay. So what do I do from here?
Take care of YOU. Get yourself into counseling. Read up on the 180. Do some soul searching in yourself. Speaking from my own experience, I knew on dday1 that cheating was a deal-breaker for me. KNEW it. But I (like you) was so fucking scared that I conned my damn self into believing that I could move past it. In my case? I couldn't ever have gotten past it. If I had to do it over, I would have kicked him out on DDay1 and been done with it. It was a hard lesson to learn. Please note - I am NOT saying you should leave him - just sharing MY experience with all this. None of us can tell YOU to stay or go, but I want to make sure that the fear is not putting blinders on you like it did to me.

Also, just from practicality standpoint (and this is a just in case measure mind you), I would separate your finances. Also consider separating titles and such if possible.

Counseling - IMHO (again speaking from MY journey) MC (marriage counseling) at this stage is a complete waste of time and money. I jumped into that WAY too soon, and our counselor actually told me that the way to move past the A was to put it in the past and don't bring it up. Scuse me?? WTF, over? A lot of MCs are not well versed in infidelity and betrayal trauma. And that is what this is - TRAUMA. MCs that aren't can do more harm than good. I would strongly advocate both of you getting into IC like yesterday, and for your WH to get into an SA program as well.

From what you have written, the cheating with him has been of a serial nature, and the sad truth is that serial cheaters often are not capable of being a safe partner. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's true. Getting yourself into counseling would help you to process all of this and deal I think.

**You can't reply to individual posts on SI. If you want to quote, copy and paste the text you wish to respond to in the reply box, then highlight it and click the 'quote' button to the left of the reply box.

nekonamida posted 1/22/2020 13:05 PM

RDW, I had no idea how young this relationship is. Do you have kids together or only kids from previous relationships?

I think it's more important now than ever to work on yourself because you have not been together that long. Your lives are not that entangled. Doesn't matter if he's your best friend today and you can't imagine living your life without him. You did just fine for X many years before you met him and can you really say he hasn't brought a whole lot of stress and heart break with him into your life? You've been married barely 18 months. This should be the easiest, happiest times of your relationship but instead it's full of mistrust, anxiety, and tears.

The answer may not be to immediately run out and D unless this has been a big wake up call that you should have never married him. And that's okay if it is. But think very hard about whether this is worth it when the easiest time to D is today and not 5 years from now when you can't take it anymore. Love is not enough to sustain decades of marriage and if you would have trouble dating him if you met him how he is today, knowing everything that you know, then this is not going to work out long term.

RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/22/2020 13:36 PM

Maybe my sense of "normal" is fucked up from my ex-H. It's like cheating is expected.

In my mind, anything that happened before we got back together has been erased. That was pre-counseling, pre-rock bottom, pre-diagnosis, pre-medication. I have chosen to forgive him for that. I think thats part of the disconnect here. You all are taking into account his past and I guess I truly am not because I agreed to start over at that point. I'm only looking at these few incidents. I'm not saying that's the right way to look at it, lol. Just that that's how my mind has been working.

He is reading your responses. He hasn't defended himself.

He suggested buying a program that gets into all the deleted info off your phone for more reassurance in addition to the polygraph.

I think I need to write up a list of boundaries/deal-breakers. And then tell him. And then stick to it. I just have to. I have to stick to it and I have to leave if he breaks them. I have no choice.

Why do I respond this way to cheating? Both with him and my ex....I never felt angry. Just sad. And like...I loved them so much. I see other people get angry and I just...don't feel it. Am I co dependent? How did I become that way?

I think I need to start by trying to learn a lot about myself. I love to read so I'll pick up some books tonight.

RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/22/2020 14:00 PM

Okay, this is what I've come up with so far. Let me know if there's anything I should add or change.

Boundaries that if crossed will cause me to without a doubt leave the relationship immediately.†

-Finding out that you've lied (lying includes withholding information and deleting evidence) about any of the following: dating sites, internet activities, sexual activities, apps, messaging, emailing, chatting, flirting, commenting, "liking", social media, encounters with women that cross boundaries, attempts at seeking validation from women, hiding phones, accounts, etc, will end the relationship.

-This means that if you download an application, send a message, receive a message, or any other form of communication, attempt at communication, activity that will result in communication, etc, you must immediately tell me AND show me the message, app, account, etc, without deleting evidence, without lying, and without withholding any information. You will also call schedule a therapy appointment ASAP. (An exception will be made if you prefer to see your counselor prior to disclosure. You must immediately obtain an appointment with your counselor, and NOT DELETE ANY EVIDENCE)

-Having physical sexual contact with another person in any form will cause the relationship to immediately end.†

-If you stop attending individual counseling, the relationship will end.

-If you do not go to SA meetings for a minimum period of a year (may be extended by me at any time), the relationship will end.†

Some other random things to add???
-You will agree to STD testing every ???
-You will sign a post-nuptual agreement
-You will take a polygraph test on 1/23/20-You will allow a phone recovery program to be run on your phone
-You will continue to post on the Wayward board to get advice and suggestions-??? anything else?

RizzieDizzysWife posted 1/22/2020 14:05 PM

And goals for me:

-Start IC
-Read "co-dependent no more"
-look into post-nuptial agreements
-start daily positive affirmations
-begin working out 2-3 times per week
-start getting up earlier & walking the dog in the morning
-work on my writing every week

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