"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Corazonroto posted 1/23/2020 16:14 PM

I have been suspecting my partner has been cheeting for a while. Finally witnessed from afar a whole disgusting romantic encounter between him and a girl (probably 20 yearas younger) on my birthday! I love him and don't want to leave him, but I can't trust him. I don't know what to do. I feel broken. I need advice. Is it possible that he loves me if he is capable of doing this?

Mene posted 1/23/2020 16:21 PM

People who love their significant other don’t cheat on them.

If you’re not married and don’t have kids with him, run.

Find someone who will love and cherish you and will not cheat. They’re are plenty of men out there who will not cheat on their partner.

sorryforeverythi posted 1/23/2020 17:00 PM

Hi Corazonroto,
I am sorry that you are having to deal with and I am glad you found us. This place saved my sanity.

We tend to offer our honest opinions, you might not like it, but we have all been where you are. Some longer than others, but the story is always the same. Be patient and listen to what is offered.

You didn't give much background but from what you said it means a lot.

Firstly, your birthday. They're an ass plain and simple.

Twenty, fifty or one year younger, it doesn't matter. Cheating is cheating.

The biggest thing you need to know is, THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT.

It's hard to grasp that, and believe me I didn't want to at first. I looked for everything I did wrong but at the end of the day your partner made a series of choices that started them down the path to cheat. At any time they could have stopped and thought about you and their actions but they didn't.

They chose to do it to you.

You will read about 'affair fog', 'limerence' all the reasons why it happened, it up to you to decide but it comes down to before the fog came in, they decided to do it, the fog comes after and it was all choices.

What you do now is up to you. We can answer questions and give advice but you need to decide.

I am firmly in the "No second Chances" club. But its up to you.

You might decide to work it out and keep trying but in the back of your mind they will always be the one that broke your trust.

You are in shock right now and need to process. You need to stay calm and breath. You need to start trying to gather evidence of the affair before you confront them.

If you decide to confront them, you will get lied to, you will get blamed, it will be all your fault because you did this or that, its all bullshit and you need to know that going in.

Your partner betrayed you and your trust and they will lie their asses off to keep the focus off what they did.

Stay strong, take care of yourself, eat, drink lots of water, no alcohol, and find a therapists, they are referred to as IC's here.

Keep coming back and ask your questions, we will give you our opinion, if you decide to take them back, there are resources, if you decide to leave there are resources.

Go to the healing library and read everything. Search the internet and read everything. Read until you are sick of reading and keep reading.

Once the shock wears off and you decide what route you are going to take it will slowly start getting easier.

I am sorry you had this happen to you and it's the worse thing for anyone to have to deal with, but you have us now.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 5:03 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

ISuferedToGrowUp posted 1/23/2020 17:11 PM

Im so sorry, OP.

If he loved you he would be in a romantic dinner with you to celebrate your birthday. He choose to cheat in the most humiliating way instead (by celebrating her).

It seems he hates you, actually.

Im so so sorry, you deserve to be treated at least with that quote of respect every human being should receive, but he cant do even that.

Corazonroto posted 1/23/2020 18:44 PM

Thank you for the replies. I don't like it, but I need to hear it.
We live together, but in different rooms. Our house has a weird set up, so I can see partially into his room. On the night in question I was about to go down to see him, but caught a glimps of them sitting a little too close and then I stupidly got mesmerized. It was like watching a movie. To first see her arm rest on his armrest, then him touching her knee, then stroking her leg, and then things escalated. I was frozen. I saw him walk to his doorway to check where I was at, but he couldn't see me. That's when he went in for the kiss.
He came up a few minutes later and I confronted him in the moment. He couldn't deny it as I gave him the play by play, although he tried at first. He then when back down to get her to leave, but not before another kiss. What a nightmare. I feel kind of pathetic as I'm reading about 20 year relationships and children involved. And it was only a kiss!!! But for me the intention is enough.
We've been together for years and I think this is the first time, but I know it's not the first time he's tried with other women. He is a lier in general.
I know what I have to do and I don't know how to do it. I want to get out of this with some dignity. He is such an ass. I want revenge and I know that it won't help. I want to mess him up and I also know this won't help. I live in a foreign country and most of my friends are his first. I need to get out of this on top.
And I know I'm in shock and not right in the head right now. I feel like I might explode. I am pretending to forgive him, until I can figure out what to do. I feel like a crazy person and I can't control my emotions.

sorryforeverythi posted 1/23/2020 18:52 PM

I know what I have to do and I don't know how to do it. I want to get out of this with some dignity.

Call a lawyer, create a seperate bank account, take half the money out of the joint account and put it in there. Sit down and write out the steps you need to do and work the list.

He is such an ass.

Yes he is, he isn't the man you thought he was, let go of the fantasy of him and move on

I want revenge and I know that it won't help. I want to mess him up and I also know this won't help.

Please don't, I know you are angry, but don't be stupid. Ruining your life for revenge isn't worth it. He is scum, take half his shit and leave.

I live in a foreign country and most of my friends are his first.

go find a church, or a womens group, find someone you can talk to or take the money and buy a plane ticket and go home.

I need to get out of this on top.

That's your rage and ego talking, you just need to get out, there is no winning in this situation, only getting out and moving on.

And I know I'm in shock and not right in the head right now. I feel like I might explode. I am pretending to forgive him, until I can figure out what to do.

Make the list, work the list. You will eventually need to forgive him, not for him but for you. But you are in shock, just breath and try and find a way to calm yourself.

I feel like a crazy person and I can't control my emotions.

You aren't crazy your world just got destroyed and turned upside down as well. It is normal that this happens, everything is confusing, just try to remember, he lied to you, he lied repeatedly, so you based you actions on false information, you can't blame yourself for it, its what we all did. Just take it one day at a time or one hour at a time. It gets better just remember you aren't alone.

LongSigh posted 1/27/2020 04:05 AM

Cora,

I am so sorry. My husband cheated on my first birthday as his wife. When I found out 6 years later, it nearly broke me. Bent me in half for sure.

There’s a special kind of pain that comes with a birthday betrayal. It’s been a few years since Dday and I still can’t deal with my day. At all. I don’t celebrate it and am an emotional mess the day before and exhausted the day after.

Be gentle with yourself on your days for awhile. The best one I’ve had since was laying on the shore at the lake, on an overcast but warm day, and just not fighting the pain. Not being around friends, kids, or family allowed me to feel the teensiest bit of peace. Not peace in his shit, but freedom from having to play like I was okay on that one single day.

Wish I could say it gets better but, so far it hasn’t. That part, that it was my birthday, just sinks in deeper and deeper each year.

Sending you hopes of all the peace possible for next year.

LongSigh posted 1/27/2020 04:05 AM

Cora,

I am so sorry. My husband cheated on my first birthday as his wife. When I found out 6 years later, it nearly broke me. Bent me in half for sure.

There’s a special kind of pain that comes with a birthday betrayal. It’s been a few years since Dday and I still can’t deal with my day. At all. I don’t celebrate it and am an emotional mess the day before and exhausted the day after.

Be gentle with yourself on your days for awhile. The best one I’ve had since was laying on the shore at the lake, on an overcast but warm day, and just not fighting the pain. Not being around friends, kids, or family allowed me to feel the teensiest bit of peace. Not peace in his shit, but freedom from having to play like I was okay on that one single day.

Wish I could say it gets better but, so far it hasn’t. That part, that it was my birthday, just sinks in deeper and deeper each year.

Sending you hopes of all the peace possible for next year.

Chaos posted 1/28/2020 12:02 PM

In no particular order.

RUN

Get tested for STDs

Expose the shit out of the affair

Move your money ASAP

Contact an attorney to see if any common law applies and what you can do about it

Be kind to yourself

nekorb posted 2/7/2020 20:44 PM

I need to get out of this on top

Agreed. translation: JUST GET OUT. It doesn't matter how. If you can, return to your home where you have family and friends to support you.

TheLostOne2020 posted 2/10/2020 10:37 AM

Corazonroto

I have been suspecting my partner has been cheeting for a while. Finally witnessed from afar a whole disgusting romantic encounter between him and a girl (probably 20 yearas younger) on my birthday! I love him and don't want to leave him, but I can't trust him.

Have you confronted him? What has he offered to do to earn your trust?

Without trust there is no relationship - it's the foundation.

I don't know what to do. I feel broken. I need advice. Is it possible that he loves me if he is capable of doing this?

I'm probably not the best to ask - but I would say it's possible that he loves you in some way. His selfishness outweighs his love though, so the question is, is he capable of change?

allusions posted 2/10/2020 10:59 AM

If you've had a feeling that he's been cheating for a while, he probably has. Have you checked his phone, computer history, text logs, etc. for evidence of cheating? He was pretty brazen to actually kiss this woman in your home. It doesn't seem like this was his first time being unfaithful to you.

sisoon posted 2/10/2020 11:57 AM

And I know I'm in shock and not right in the head right now. I feel like I might explode. I am pretending to forgive him, until I can figure out what to do. I feel like a crazy person and I can't control my emotions.

Emotions for a long time after d-day go wherever the want to go whenever they want to go. It's not called a roller coaster because it's a smooth ride. In other words, what you're going through is normal, and you will get yourself together again. It will probably just take longer than anyone would want it to take.

And you don;t sound crazy at all. Especially if D or separation is a possibility, it's useful to hide your intentions from your WS.

Plan your action. Implement your plan. (Otherwise known as 'getting your ducks in a row.') You sem to be doing what you need to do and seeing your situations clearly. That's the opposite of crazy.