"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

forget2007 posted 1/23/2020 21:36 PM

I feel so sad today. I fail as a husband that I can not provide the emotional need to my wife that she has to seek somewhere else. I just found out today that she has reconnected with her 1st boy friend 30 years ago. They romantically chat through facebook messenger few times a day for the last 1 year. The affair she had 13 years ago with a mutual friend still fresh in my mind. She does not know that I know. I thought she loves me. God

Marz posted 1/23/2020 21:44 PM

I fail as a husband that I can not provide the emotional need to my wife that she has to seek somewhere else.

This is her second time cheating that you know of.

You didn’t make her cheat. She did that because she wanted to.

Better wake up. She’s the failure. Not you.

BearlyBreathing posted 1/23/2020 21:52 PM

Friend, her cheating is 💯 due to her flaws. 0% due to anything about you.
There are dozens of options if not fulfilled in a marriage that do t include betrayal. Lying, deceiving, hurting.

Please read in the healing library and start detaching. It’s hard but you need some space and clarity to start to heal.

The1stWife posted 1/24/2020 02:31 AM

You are not a failure. She is!!

She failed to mature to a level where she will address her issues. She just chooses to cheat. It’s not you. It’s her shortcomings.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:49 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

Buffer posted 1/24/2020 03:27 AM

Brother forget,
She is fundamentally flawed, not you. She is openly engaging her exBF in this romance. You didn’t set up the emails or Facebook messages for her.
As this is her second go at disrespecting your marriage, you know what you have to do.
Screen shot the messages and send them to yourself. Don’t confront her now, still gather information. Place a VAR in her car. Don’t start doing things out of the ordinary. Assume they have already consummated their renewed relationship and take appropriate measures to protect yourself and assets. Assume nothing and check everything.
Make this your new hobby, is he married, check phone, credit cards invoices etc. seek IC now so you can make the right call when to exspose this to all.
You owe her no loyalty, nor do you need her approval when to go full thermal nuclear on their relationship. Specifically if they plan to meet up, or when they are travelling to meet etc.
one day at a time.
Buffer

Buster123 posted 1/24/2020 12:15 PM

You only have 10 posts since 2007, what did you do all this time, did you just rugsweep her previous A ? what were the consequences for her for her first huge betrayal (that you know of) ? Did you EXPOSE her with ALL family and close friends ? hopefully you at least have been reading here all this time, confront her and EXPOSE her with ALL family and close friends, she is the failure, NOT YOU, you were in the same M and you didn't cheat, accept that she's just a run of the mill proven cheater and liar, take her off the pedestal you seem to have her on, get tested for STDs and get out of infidelity, I would just have her served D papers without warning. Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial time.

DoinBettr posted 1/24/2020 12:30 PM

Sounds sadly similar to my situation. When my youngest started school, my wife went crazy. Yours would be around the same time, 12 years ago. (Is my time frame off?)

Now that you are about to be in an empty nest, she identifies too much as just mom. She needs to work on herself and pull closer to you, not further in the vacuum of child raising.

Robert22205https posted 1/24/2020 18:40 PM

You are not a failure. It's not fair for you to compete with an Ex for your wife's romantic attention. And it's not appropriate for you to have to share your wife with another man.

A spouse (and marriage life in general), can never compete with the emotional excitement of an AP, the high from the AP’s compliments, feeling young again, and the false mental image of the ‘perfect’ fantasy lover/partner created by your spouse.

Robert22205https posted 1/24/2020 18:45 PM

Generally the more information you provide the better advice you will receive.

Do you always have access to her texts?

What is the nature of the texts? Do they intend to meet or have they met privately?

When is the last time she saw him face to face? Is he married?

forget2007 posted 2/15/2020 23:44 PM

I do thank everyone for your guidance and support. I have a long talk with my wife today. It appears she is in love with her ex. We agree to stay together in the same house until next summer to provide stability for our two children to finish college. We will file for divorce after that. It is a sad day for me but also a relieve, as now I know I can move forward. Hope I will find a loving partner to share life with until the end.

God Bless.

Marz posted 2/15/2020 23:47 PM

Let her go now.

Your kids are adults.

Why go through that torture?

It’s just a waste of tine/life you’ll never get back.

Stop letting her play you

[This message edited by Marz at 11:47 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]

goalong posted 2/16/2020 07:12 AM

you are providing the basic ingredients for a cheater to enjoy cheating. A caring BS and Home. Stop doing that. Unless there are other pressing issues file D now, she will get in to her senses.
You need to stand up for yourself. It is mostly beta males who face infidelity

[This message edited by goalong at 8:00 AM, February 16th (Sunday)]

Westway posted 2/16/2020 07:45 AM

Make sure you get a fair settlement in the divorce.

I'm so sorry friend. I know what it is like to find out your marriage has been one big lie. It isn't fun.

squid posted 2/16/2020 10:34 AM

Don't give her the satisfaction of somehow being the "good guy" as if she wasn't so bad of a person for seeking validation outside of her marriage. If your kids are grown they'll understand.

There's nothing worth 6 months limbo.

There is nothing you could have done to keep her from looking elsewhere. She is a broken person and will never have the validation she needs. There will always be an empty hole inside of her psyche.

Rip the band-aid off and file, for the sake of your own sanity and the well-being of your sons. The truth will eventually come out and they will respect you more for holding your boundaries.

TheLostOne2020 posted 2/16/2020 14:52 PM

forget2007

I feel so sad today. I fail as a husband that I can not provide the emotional need to my wife that she has to seek somewhere else.

Hey man, there are lots of reasons to feel sad - especially about your situation - but what you've just listed isn't one of them. This is a result of her garbage morals and character, not anything you did. Your marriage might not have been perfect, but that should have lead an honest and good individual into asking for counseling, into reading relevant material, into talking to you.

I just found out today that she has reconnected with her 1st boy friend 30 years ago.

Hey, my garbage wife did the same thing - in fact, the time frame is about the same too, although I think it would be 25 years for me.

They romantically chat through facebook messenger few times a day for the last 1 year. The affair she had 13 years ago with a mutual friend still fresh in my mind. She does not know that I know. I thought she loves me. God

Okay, this isn't on you - she's a serial cheater. In fact, this has nothing to do with you. Had she married the most perfect man in the world she'd still be out cheating.

You can be upset and sad - these are normal reactions to what you are going through - but this is not your fault. At all.

TheLostOne2020 posted 2/16/2020 14:56 PM

forget2007

I do thank everyone for your guidance and support. I have a long talk with my wife today. It appears she is in love with her ex. We agree to stay together in the same house until next summer to provide stability for our two children to finish college. We will file for divorce after that. It is a sad day for me but also a relieve, as now I know I can move forward. Hope I will find a loving partner to share life with until the end.

Do what you like, but this sounds like utter Hell to me. I've been in the same house as my wife since New Years day (when I found out) and I feel like gutting myself with salad tongs every day because of it. I have to put up with this shit for 8 more weeks (give or take), it's a nightmare.

I would not do a year - do not do this to yourself. You are hurting right now, you have hope - both of these things cloud your mind.

Is there a reason you need to stay in the house while the kids finish school?

sorryforeverythi posted 2/16/2020 15:17 PM

I will heavily censor myself with my true thoughts but....

You need to get out now.

YOU REALLY NEED TO SEE A THERAPIST, BOOK IT TOMORROW, FIRST AVAILABLE.

This is not your fault.

Find a lawyer after you find a therapist and get your divorce started today.

College aged kids, they can deal with a divorce.

You might want to save the marriage and you think keeping her in the same house as you can save the marriage it can't.

Close your eyes and imagine her bringing her fb boyfriend over to spend the night.

She has made it clear she doesn't respect you, don't let her keep on disrespecting you.

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Once again, this isn't your fault but get out now.

PassThis posted 2/17/2020 11:22 AM

I do thank everyone for your guidance and support. I have a long talk with my wife today. It appears she is in love with her ex.

You have been "fired" as her husband. She has been unfaithful to you and cheated. She is 100% at fault for both affairs. You have failed at nothing. She is a serial cheater, which means she is broken. She should have come to you and informed you that she wanted to go outside her marriage BEFORE she cheated. Instead, she went behind your back.

We agree to stay together in the same house until next summer to provide stability for our two children to finish college. We will file for divorce after that.

You are only providing stability for HER, while she is cheating. You can provide stability for your children by being there to support THEM. You do not need to provide support and comfort (stability) to your wife. It was your wife that injected instability into your marriage. For you to become stabilized, you must get her out of your life. Then you can provide the proper support to your children that they deserve. If you wife wants to, she can provide support to your children separately. Your children will feel the instability between you and your wife, and that will be a greater concern to them (uncertainty) than if you just address the matter.

Please reconsider your plans. File for separation/divorce now. Stop providing the comfort of home, and the financial support to your wife that she does not deserve. Do not waste another year or two of your life by delaying. Please move forward and out of infidelity now.

Move her out of your bedroom. Implement the 180 as preparation for you to live your future life without her. This is not to manipulate her, but to disconnect from her so that harm to you is minimized.

Cut her off financially, except as required by law. Cancel joint accounts (checking, saving, investment, credit cards). Give her access to an account where you transfer whatever funds are required by you to provide. Do not allow her unlimited access to your assets. Prevent her from creating debt that you might later be stuck with. Protect yourself. She no longer shares any common interest with you, other than your children. You are now "conflicted." Please act accordingly.

It is a sad day for me but also a relieve, as now I know I can move forward. Hope I will find a loving partner to share life with until the end.

Don't delay. Start the process now. If she doesn't work, make her find a job and start contributing to her own stability. You should not be forced to support her financially if you get nothing in return. Direct your assets, efforts, and time to yourself and for the support of your children, not her.