SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Quazzyy001 posted 1/28/2020 13:47 PM

I’m sorry i do not no how to vent our show my feelings but in a situation as mine I feel I have to somehow, I feel so alone and trapped in my own thoughts, My girlfriend / fiancé went to school 8 hours away, I thought I had trust but it was broken the moment I found out she cheated on me when she was supposed to be there for school. Yet I feel like it’s all my fault I pushed her away by not showing my love and support to her like I should of been. I would barely even cuddle her anymore . I couldn’t even make to big of an effort to go on one last date before she left, I stoped holding her hand in public because I get public anxiety and I know none of it is right I know I need to change my ways and I want to! I want to be more supportive and show my love. I kept pushing off a wedding date because I was scared I guess, I realize how bad of a boyfriend I’ve been and it kills me, I should have shown her all my love, yet all I want is her back in my life and to be my wife,she’s still the only women I want I can’t stand the idea of losing her but I can’t stand the idea of her doing someone else. Am I wrong to want it all back to how it was I don’t wana lose her/ the last 7 1/2 years, I still have my 2 kids wich are with me at the moment. I found this all out on my own of what she did and the way I found it kills me what I saw destroyed my heart. I love her and I want her to be my wife for the rest of my life. but at the same time I don’t know if I know what love is right now , ive never cried and felt this bad ever in my life it hurts more then anything. I just wish I would of been a better boyfriend / fiancé

sorryforeverythi posted 1/28/2020 14:06 PM

I am sorry you are going though this but glad you found us. What you are in the midst of is shock. It is normal. Go to the healing library and read up on all the articles, it helps.

Fist thing, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Your partner made the choice to cheat, this is 100% on them not you.
The relationship yeah you own 50% of that but the cheating is all her. Could you have been a better partner, yeah probably, we all can. Did you cheat?

Most normal relationships if you are unhappy you have a talk, hey i am not happy things need to change if they don't i don't think this will work, or something along those lines. Did that happen with you?

I didn't think so, you can be better but you have to know what you need to get better at, an affair is the way to tell your partner that there is something wrong, that is a nuclear option when really you just needed a chat.

Don't beat yourself up too much. You have a long road ahead and a lot of decisions you are going to have to make. Take care of your self, drink lots of water, journal, try and sleep.

This sucks and we are here for you. Everyone here has had to deal with everything you are going through and will go through. Keep coming back.

Beachwalker posted 1/28/2020 14:17 PM

Quazy: I am so sorry you have been put into this situation, but I’m glad you found us. I, too, am a BS(Betrayed Spouse), so I feel and understand you pain. It is like no other pain there is. It goes very deep and very wide. You are among friends here.

First of all, you have to take the first step: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! She promised you to be faithful and she broke that promise. If she was in love with another man and wanted to pursue him instead of you, the ethical thing to do is hand you back your ring, THEN go date the other man. That’s not what she did. While still bound by her promise to you, she cheated. I read some research which showed that no matter what you would have done, she would still have cheated. In this article, the people cheated on were: Rich, poor, middle class; highly educated, high school only; doted over their lover, ignored them; in great shape, overweight & dumpy; well-known in the community, obscure. You get the picture. People cheat not because of some outside influence, but because something inside of them said it was ok. No matter what you could have done, it wouldn’t have made any difference. It took me a couple of months to believe that, but once I did I was able to move on.

Second, in the upper left hand corner of the screen you will see a link to the Healing Library. There are many good articles there which can help you sort out how you’re feeling and what to do about it, and what to do next. Wander through and read what you think might help you. Read here on SI about others in your situation. Some of the posts might provide you some support and clarity.

I highly suggest you get into IC(Individual Counseling). A good counselor will help guide you through this maze of healing.

More will be along shortly with input and advice. We all want you to live a healthy, happy life and want to help you in any way we can. Post often and keep us up to date. The more details you share, the better advice we can offer. Just remember that here, you are not alone.

nekonamida posted 1/28/2020 14:24 PM

Quazzy, some times people react subconsciously to their partners when they feel something is "off" by pushing them away physically. Have you ever had any question of her fidelity before you caught her? Any other issues? Did she ever strike you as selfish? I mean, choosing a school 8 hours away when you were supposed to be planning for a wedding seems a little selfish to me. Why did you push her away physically? And how do you know that even if she comes back and everything is roses that this won't happen all over again?

But needless to say - her cheating is not your fault. She could have talked to you. She could have gone to counseling with you. She could have broken up with you and hell, that would've been easy after she moved for school! She had choices but instead she chose the one that hurts you the most. She needs to own up to that.

Infidelity DOES NOT improve intimacy in a relationship. You may go through a short period of hysterical bonding but it will die off and you will struggle again. 7 1/2 years is not that long in the grand scheme of your adult life. There aren't that many penalties to breaking up now and there are TONS of downsides to getting a divorce in the future. The easiest time to leave is now and not 10 years from now where you have to split everything 50/50 and there may be more children involved because she cheated again. So think very hard about what your relationship REALISTICALLY will look like in 2 years if you get back together. Not how you want it to be. How it really will be because it's not likely that your issues with her, with honesty, with intimacy are going to change much. Not without professional help they won't. Is it worth the investment to go through an even worse break up later?

Quazzyy001 posted 1/28/2020 14:31 PM

I never had trust issues with her she always said she wouldn’t and couldn’t do that’, so I never worried about that kind of thing. It may sound stupid and even tho my heart hurts so bad I want her back I want to be a family with our kids, we both want it but I know it will be hard, I feel like I’m a fool or a idiot for wanting it all back, why I wasn’t more supportive idk I wish I was tho!

HellFire posted 1/28/2020 14:48 PM

So she left you, and her two children, to go to school 8 hours away? And she is still gone, and the children are still with you?

This woman is not wife material, but she's also not mother material. Any woman, who will abandon her children, for any reason, is not worth your tears. What you love, is a woman who does not exist anymore. She's been replaced with a cold, lying, cheating woman, who has hurt your children immeasurably. You need to file for custody of the kids, and do your best to try to minimize the damage that she has caused them.

Quazzyy001 posted 1/28/2020 14:59 PM

She originally moved here 7 1/2 years ago to my home town which is small and university courrses and such are pretty slim to none so I was being supportive of her wanting a better career she was starting to feel trapped here and I wasn’t helping in my mind I wanted a stay at home mom which isn’t right! She’s been wanting me to move to the city her home place, and I never wanted to.

Tigersrule77 posted 1/28/2020 15:17 PM

Please stop beating yourself up.

If your WGF was unsupportive of you, would that make it OK for you to cheat on her? Of course not so stop making excuses for her! If she was unhappy she should have talked to you about it and together you work to make things better.

You are falling into a common mindset that YOU are somehow at fault for the actions of others. It's like saying that your partner only beat you because you didn't keep the house clean enough, etc. It's not your fault.

pearlamici posted 1/28/2020 15:26 PM

Does she know you found out? What does she say about it all?

fooled13years posted 1/28/2020 15:41 PM

Quazzyy001,
Have you talked with her yet?

Yet I feel like it’s all my fault I pushed her away by not showing my love and support to her like I should of been. I would barely even cuddle her anymore . I couldn’t even make to big of an effort to go on one last date before she left, I stoped holding her hand in public because I get public anxiety and I know none of it is right

sorryforeverythi posted 1/28/2020 16:00 PM

Wow, you should apologize for lots of other things too, global warming, that is totally your fault, kobe bryant's helicopter crash, totally on you.

Dude, STOP, one even doesn't cause the demise of a relationship and there are two people involved, could you have been better probably.

If only your women had some sort or orifice that she could use to make sounds and maybe words to express her concerns about whatever she was feeling.

you were you, she loved that about you for a time, maybe that love went away because of the sun got in her eyes, or whatever the fuck, its up to her to tell you. Same goes for you, I am sure you weren't feeling loved and appreciated that's why ou pulled away. I know that is how it was in my case, but i told her I was unhappy, i told her I was lonely, I told her we needed to spend more time together. I had done that for months. She chose to do nothing with that information. Granted she was probably already falling in love by then so she didn't feel the need to make me happy but none the less.

you didn't do this, own what you fucked up on and be better in your next one. her cheating isn't on you, its all on her.

beenthereinco posted 1/28/2020 17:12 PM

You lived in a small town and she went to the city for school and left you at home. Okay, Fine. What was the plan once she finished her degree? Had you all discussed the end game here? Was she going to be happy moving back when school was over and there were most likely less job prospects in a small town?

What I am getting at is whether all along this was an exit from the Marriage. Do you think she planned to ever come back home or was she always planning to stay in the city once she finished and she didn't need you to support her in school?

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 5:13 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 1/28/2020 17:20 PM

When you wake up to reality you’ll see you didn’t lose much.

Let her go

DBFool2019 posted 2/4/2020 13:46 PM

Sorry you're here Quazzyy,

Please stop blaming yourself for the affair. If there were relationship issues that you needed to improve upon, your wife should have come to you to discuss them, not step out with another guy.

The affair is NOT your fault. Please listen to the experienced members of this forum and they will guide you through this.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/4/2020 14:20 PM

"I feel like I’m a fool or a idiot for wanting it all back,"

Trust your gut and what you posted above. Why do you feel like a fool? Because your head and logic are attempting to get through to you. Your heart however doesn't want to hear what they have to say. In situations like the one you're in, the heart is always wrong. Your head and logic will save your future.

Your past and the way your treated your g-friend had and have nothing to do with her choice to cheat on you. She cheated knowing full-well what she was doing and knowing full-well that it would destroy her relationship with you. She didn't even consider you or your kids when she chose to spread her legs for another man. The person that you thought loved you and your kids, didn't love you or them enough to wait for you. She's shown you her level of commitment and shallow is to deep a word for it; non-existent would be a better term.

The woman you thought you had was a projection; she never existed. Now she's left you and your family with the fallout of her betrayal. Don't allow yourself to ruin your life by begging her back. You have two goals: 1. get out of infidelity and 2. take your life back. That second goal is the one that will get your back on track and on the road to a better life. Live your life free of drama and free of people who say one thing to your face and stab you when your back is turned. I wish the best for you.