SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Blue32 posted 1/31/2020 13:54 PM

I was recently betrayed by my husband and he is not being forthcoming with all the information. He changed all his passwords and moved out so I can’t see his messages. It’s driving me crazy that I can’t find out exactly what him and his new gf talk about and how serious they are. Is there anyone who knows how to get info or help me move past this so I stop obsesseing over it?

recovering2018 posted 1/31/2020 14:01 PM

If he has moved out and you don't have any passwords, your options are limited.

If he has moved out and is not forthcoming, does it really matter? You know he is cheating and he's making no effort to change. Hacking his phone is not going to change that.

I'm sorry this has happened... but like it or not, your decision has largely been made for you.

You need to take care of yourself and file for D.

thatbpguy posted 1/31/2020 14:11 PM

I'll add to what recovering2018 states and say if he wants back into the relationship, I would make a pre-condition that he produces all those messages/emails/texts.... If he can't and they are forever shielded, I would move on from this pig.

devotedman posted 1/31/2020 14:37 PM

Help on moving beyond this man:

Realize that the heart will follow the head, eventually.

Next, realize that your mental model of who he is doesn't match up with who he really is.

Next, start writing down on actual paper, one per line, each of the separate ways in which he has betrayed you and your marriage.

* he lied and had an affair
* he betrayed his word, his wedding vows
* he is broken enough that he thinks cheating is acceptable
* he is broken enough that his ego needs outside validation

Keep writing things down. Whenever you have a good thought about him, read from the list randomly for a while

Read from The Healing Library, upper left in the yellow box. Articles are mostly on line and books mostly are books to order from your favorite bookstore.

redfish posted 1/31/2020 17:12 PM

The not knowing is tough and I see how you might want to find out more details. I guess you have to ask yourself how much do you want to know?

All this talk of spy stuff, private investagator on your WS is to find out if they are in an A. He moved out and presumably with his GF. Unfortunately it seems like you have an answer.

You can't control him though you can present him with some serious consequences and I don't mean a verbal bashing.

It's been stated but you make sure he knows he is not welcome into your life with an erased phone. None of this, "It broke", "Ran out of room" Be clear about this, it's where you can begin to show strength.

What you can control is you. You don't say if you have children. If you do they need your attention. Work on yourself, exercise, go for walks and talks with other women, eat well, now you don't have to cook what he likes.

I think it is too early to move past this or to stop obsessing over it. From what I read here it is normal, this is a traumatic event and will take time to heal.

Best Wishes.

The1stWife posted 2/1/2020 18:55 PM

You may have to accept the fact that he is cheating and moved on and is a deplorable example as a husband and role model.

Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library in the upper left here at Surviving infidelity. It will help you understand what you need to do to protect yourself. And once you are able to accept the situation you will see things more clearly.

Also get yourself a good counselor and support team. You will need it tomorrow help you get through this trauma.

RubixCubed posted 2/2/2020 11:24 AM

As @redfish stated "you have your answer" anything else from here is just pain shopping for you.

Anotheron3 posted 2/3/2020 09:34 AM

I'm sorry this happened to you. I can totally understand your mindset and where you're coming from.

The desire to find out information when none is given is very strong. I became obsessed with the situation and anytime I found something it never was enough.

In the end, the information I found only made me more depressed and more manic, which didn't help the situation. As everyone said, he's just going to do what he wants anyway unfortunately. No need to give him more reason to do it.

I still have strong desires to search, but the fact that I was caught a few times, and the fact I felt like I was becoming someone who I didn't want to be is helping me stop. Focus on yourself, You deserve that.

Iwillbe0k posted 2/3/2020 11:42 AM

I'm so sorry your husband did this and you're in this situation. I understand the strong need to find out as much information as you can but I think you have all the information you need. Looking for more details is only going to cause YOU more pain and the obsession will become stronger. I made myself physically ill when I was searching for every little detail about the affair. Take care of yourself.

isles posted 2/6/2020 16:18 PM

I agree with many others. cheaters lie and will go to any lengths to protect there lies, the lies become a web and in most case they will do anything!

Notriangle posted 2/7/2020 03:24 AM

Don't waste time or energy on this. Go out with friends, visit family, join a gym, whatever. Assume the worst, as far as he is concerned and move on. Don't jump to a new relationship. Just get your own life together. Hugs to you.