SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

SweetPeaRN posted 1/31/2020 15:47 PM

The pain is so unbearable I do not know where to start. So I guess I will go back to the beginning. In my first marriage when I was 18 my husband cheated on me and had a daughter. We took a DNA test and from that point forward I was her mom (her bio-mom was in prion in and out, 7 kids, 7 men). That marriage did not last. That was 20 years ago. In 2014 I married for a second time. After her graduation from high school and three weeks before her 18th birthday the "daughter" moved in with me so I could help her with college. Last friday, Jan 24th, I found out that for the last year and half+ my second husband has been having sex with that "daughter" and it started 2 days after she turned 18. I am completely sick about it. I have a 13 year old daughter who feels betrayed that her sister slept with the man she considered her "dad". I had been suspicious since day 1 and he would always tell me I was crazy and she would tell me that I am her mom and she would never do that to me. During the entire time this was going on I was still being a wife. We were having sex every other day and I was still performing oral regularly. I am so sick and disgusted with him. I kicked him out and filed for divorce. I am struggling with the betrayal of both of them and the hurt is unbearable. I need to talk to someone, anyone. Thank you.

KingofNothing posted 1/31/2020 16:01 PM

Good Lord! What happened with the "daughter"?

Did she attempt to explain the hurt the impact of her selfish actions and horrible decisions had on you?

sorryforeverythi posted 1/31/2020 16:12 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this, I really am and I have had a similar thing. My first exe wife remarried and her new husband abused my 13 year old daughter.

I will tell you what I feel. He is a predator. He groomed her for years and when she was finally legal he made his move.
Confronting your daughter isn't your job. She needs therapy. She is in love with him and it's natural for an adult to express love through sex. You can't understand it but you can understand love and your daughter is in love, no matter how wrong it is, he is the FUCKING problem.

Divorce him, move, no contact, get a lawyer, make sure he understands about the abuse and get the fuck out.

Your 18 year old daughter is an adult, she can do what she wants.

Your younger daughter needs therapy.

You won't be able to fix this, you need a professional.
Just make sure they both know you love them and are their for them.
Segment this shit out, your family is your priority and in a very close second is getting the hell out of that marriage.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 4:14 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

SweetPeaRN posted 1/31/2020 16:14 PM

No I made her move out too and she lied to the very end for him, said I was crazy and blocked me on everything. After he posted that he had started a new relationship with a different woman altogether she broke down and told every one the truth. She has not reached out to me at all. Because she was 18 when it started and he was telling her he loved her and was going to marry her I am not surprised at how it played out. She is just a child. I am suffering the loss of a child and the devastation of a cheating narcissistic husband.

SweetPeaRN posted 1/31/2020 16:17 PM

We are both scheduled to start therapy, due to the 2 week wait I needed to seek help, hence why I am here. He is gone and I do think he is a child molester and a predator. The paperwork is all filed for divorce and every trace of him is being erased. I am also looking to move next month because every inch of the current place reminds me of what the two of them did there.

sorryforeverythi posted 1/31/2020 16:22 PM

He is and it sucks you have to deal with it.

This isn't your fault and you have to know that in your heart.

Your daughter will always be your daughter. You are wounded right now and whatever you are feeling is the right thing to feel.

I totally understand what you are going through. I would give the same advice I always give.

Start journaling, write out your feelings and start praying.

It sucks and I wish all of us here could take all the pain away, but we can't.

Only you can do that and it takes time.

Take care of yourself and your younger daughter.

ISuferedToGrowUp posted 1/31/2020 16:40 PM

Im so sorry, OP. For your own health you should get out of there and run as far away from those 2 toxic people. She is an adult and she knows what she did, amd he waited until she was legal. They are cruel and they dont love you. Im so fucking sorry, OP.

ISuferedToGrowUp posted 1/31/2020 16:43 PM

Seek help from your friends amd family. Put it out of your chest so you dont somatize those horrible emotions. Dont feel ashamed, they are mean and broken, not you. Its not your fault and it has nothing to do with you. Your "daugther" came with her mother and father genes, aparently.

The1stWife posted 1/31/2020 17:13 PM

I am so sorry for you.

He is a predator through and through. He knew what he was doing and I agree with the others who said “he groomed her”.

You will survive this. I know you will. You will help yiur yiunger daughter get through this. You are a great mom.

Prayers to you.

Smillie posted 1/31/2020 18:20 PM

So sorry to read about your situation. He sounds like an awful human-being. Your step daughter is old enough to know better and she is also a terrible person for this betrayal. She is young so I guess she can change.

All you can really do is concentrate on yourself and your daughter and just forget about these two for a while. Maybe after a few years, if the step-daughter repents and apologies, you can forgive her. That being said, it would be wise never to trust her again.

bluephoenix posted 2/1/2020 01:06 AM

Wow! I am just speechless on this and I cant even wrap my head around this one. What a betrayal on both parts. You practically raised this girl and she should have been like a daughter to him not his mistress. What a despicable man who needs to be punished by the courts and what a terrible step daughter to betray you after all you did for her. Maybe the apples dont fall far from the trees. Young and dumb they are. Now she has nobody. I hope you heal from this and are able to find the happiness you deserve. Make sure you take him for everything he has. Thats just barely above incest and sexual abuse and he is a pathetic creature. {{hugs}}

rugswept posted 2/1/2020 16:08 PM

You started out with "I Am Broken". I'd suggest you should have posted: "I am so Strong".

Your story is one of the worst I've seen on these forums. We all know the pain of betrayal and all that it brings. For most of us it involved a lying cheating wayward spouse, often over a long period of time.

Your case is so much worse than that. It involves two people that you loved and trusted above all others.

Hold your head up high, end all contact with them, completely and move on. I don't believe there is any real hope of any kind of acceptance of any of this. As experienced as some of us are in this area, I can say that very few have experienced the pain and betrayal that you have.

You must now exist for you knowing you were doing your best to be a loyal wife and mother.

You can find happiness again, but it will have to be far away from anything that has happened to you in this betrayal. Don't try to understand it, there is only pain to be found there.

We wish you the best and offer you our warm feelings and our prayers. This was so unfair and you have to be what makes you feel happy and whole and push this whole episode into the deep recesses of your mind. We're really sorry.

nekorb posted 2/7/2020 20:51 PM

What the literal fuck is wrong with people???

You and your 13yo snuggle together and put those shields up. You will get through this. What a horrible betrayal for you both to endure.

SweetPeaRN posted 2/7/2020 22:04 PM

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. I changed my phone number and I officially filed for divorce today. My daughter and I have been getting help for our grief. We do cling tight to each other at night and vent our frustration, mostly her, but I listen and comfort her and let her know her feelings are normal. We are slowly healing day by day. Thank you again!

Beachwalker posted 2/7/2020 22:55 PM

WOW! Just…wow! I **sort of** understand that type of pain and betrayal. One of my WW’s AP’s was my BIL, so I, too, have been betrayed by 2 family members, but my BIL didn’t live with me for 18 years and call me dad! That just blows my mind! He is definitely a pervert and predator. I am glad you have put distance between him and you, and the daughter and you.

You and that young lady continue to hang on to each other. It is good you let het vent to you and you hold her tight. Sometimes they need to hear how you’re hurting, too. She’s still young, so use good discretion with what you say, but it’s ok to lean on her a little bit. It may be beneficial for her to help you in return.

It sounds like you are walking down the right road. Keep moving, and post often. We are all glad you found us here.

Buffer posted 2/8/2020 04:20 AM

I am so sorry, be as strong as you can be.
He is a pig and groomed your daughter!
She needs to accountable for her actions, but you both need assistance.
Be strong, exercise, walk the dog etc. Drink water and communicate with Daughter.
Hugs Buffer