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Wife in emotional relation with another men, what to do?

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Canadien posted 2/4/2020 09:00 AM

Hello there;
So, my wife has a very strong emotional connection with one of my distant cousin; we saw him first time two years ago.

He is successful career wise as he works as a manager, he owns two houses and has family of his own with two daughters.

He is detached from his wife as he feels that she is way too posessive; Now, she is always busy with daughters as he has put a condition that he will look after them when they are 11 years old, they are 7 and 5 now.

My wife just finished her maternity of 1 year leave from work; during this 1 year he was always calling her and talking late in the night with her and until six months ago i was meeting him as well, but i felt i was starting to be sidelined by him as i was simply coming to meetings it seems so they can tell his wife that i made the meetings.

His wife was very anxious about their meeting and late night conversation she would go through his phone for evidence, so they changed their communication media to snapchat, now his wife can not track his communication.

They had always lied to his wife as he would make excuses like going to gym or overtime work.

Now, my wife started work 2 km away from his workplace; she said that they are not talking for 1 week while my GPS tracker puts her after work on his work place.

He did this to his wife and now they are doing it me; i am telling her to be truthful but she is becoming hyper aggresive and wants me to produce the proof.

He has other girls who share their stories as well; you can say he is a ladies man and my wife loves that; she wants him to leave other girls and solely put attention on her; she is almost like chasing him.

How do i make her stop and be truthful?

[This message edited by Canadien at 9:07 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 2/4/2020 09:23 AM

You canít make her do a thing but you be wise to get yourself out of infidelity.

IMO itís a full blown sexual affair.

Wake up to reality

[This message edited by Marz at 10:11 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

BluesPower posted 2/4/2020 09:28 AM

Well, just a quick reply...

You understand that with them being in close proximity that the chances of this being just emotional are almost zero.

What I am saying is that the odds say that they are sleeping together.

That may be hard to hear, but the odds say they are. Close proximity mean sex.

Remember, your wife is a cheater and a liar. So you cannot believe anything that comes out of her mouth.

So the other thing, is this: You cannot MAKE her do anything, you cannot control other people.

In this circumstance your wife is actively having an affair.

What you can do is file for divorce. This may accomplish a couple of different things. 1) It could, but no guarantee, make her wake up. and/or 2) If it does not, then you have started the divorce process which takes a while anyway.

You need to protect yourself, get a lawyer and file for divorce...

Canadien posted 2/4/2020 09:55 AM

Divorce is out of question as we come from very respected family and no one knows about her affair; she says she will turn things pretty bad if i share this with anybody.

So far, i just let her friend from college know about this third guy; and to deflect against him she says that he took advantage of her.

If that is the case why she never previously confided in me? He was her best friend for almost 5 years before this new guy came along; this old friend still talks to me and her.

She says that this new guy never took advsntage of her; and this is something i am curious about.

Problem with college guy was that he was single and does not have a house or higher up job like the new guy.

She says that new guy is much more superior then her old friend from college and she actively seeks guidance and advice from him.

He is like a magnet to her because he has so many friends and accomllishment; she is so much infactuated with him that its hard for me to change her direction.

[This message edited by Canadien at 9:59 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

PSTI posted 2/4/2020 10:02 AM

Well, if you won't divorce her, how are you planning to make her stop?

She's got free will; she obviously doesn't care to stop if she is telling you things will get bad if you talk about her affair.

You can't snap her out of it if she doesn't want to stop. You can only control your own actions.

Sounds like at this point, you can accept that she's going to have affairs if you want to stay in a respected family, or you can walk. At the end of the day, we can only make decisions about ourselves.

Canadien posted 2/4/2020 10:14 AM

I can refuse to join activity with them; they got to where they have because i never refused her.

We went on many vacation trips, family visits and fun activities with his family because i thought that gave my wife hapiness, but if i retract from future visits with him then it will have big impact on how they want to move forward.

Right now they can only meet if i come along; so if i do not go then my mom will ask why she went alone?

But she avoids doing activity with me alone, i just gotta be more strong about it.

[This message edited by Canadien at 10:15 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

PSTI posted 2/4/2020 10:16 AM

But how does this help your marriage? Because if it's not this person, it will be someone else in the future- likely someone more accessible.

Canadien posted 2/4/2020 10:25 AM

She believes that its her right to make emotional connection with anybody; she has a reciprocracy personality.

She does not believe she is cheating by having emotional connection with him; she says she has right to this and i can not control this.

fooled13years posted 2/4/2020 10:31 AM

Canadien, I am not advocating for divorce but you stated;

Divorce is out of question as we come from very respected family

People earn my respect, not by their position or their words but by their actions.

IMHO, neither of their actions deserve respect.

If it is your family who is respected in the community then I would say a person who stood up for themselves and for what is right would be much more respected by me then a person who didn't.

Canadien posted 2/4/2020 10:38 AM

I care about her, and i see her love for me too; its just he has many friends and family activity that i am no able too; he has two daughters to so guides her about baby stuff too as i have 1 year baby too.

She goes to him because of expectations and she believes that he can give her all the experiences she is looking for.

How do i make her see that he is just another guy trying to get her attention and she is falling for it.

I do not have big friend circle and am still in the process of travelling but i need her to trust and believe in me and we will do all that she ever wanted to do.

I need to break his hold on her and i need to know how.

[This message edited by Canadien at 10:40 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Canadien posted 2/4/2020 11:00 AM

Who can i share this information with? All her and my family think we are perfect couples and she never let anybody know about the third guy.

She has become distant to alk her relatives because she is afraid that they might find out.

In all of the scenarios only i carry this burden of knowing and now she is showing me aside as well knowing very well that she can go on like this until someone steps in to question her integrety.

HellFire posted 2/4/2020 11:05 AM

She a typical,selfish cheater.

She knows you aren't going anywhere,so she has no motivation to stop.

The best way to make her understand she can't disrespect you,and the children like this, is to give her severe consequences. File for divorce. It doesn't mean this will end in divorce, but it will tell her you refuse to share her with another man. That is the best way to break their connection.

You say you can't divorce because you come from a respectable family. Yet she is having an affair with your cousin. And,people talk. Eventually it will get around that your wife is disrespecting your entire family.

You need to stand up for yourself and your child.

HellFire posted 2/4/2020 11:07 AM

Who can you share this info with? Her family. It sounds like she doesn't want them to know because they wouldn't approve. So tell them. It might shame her into pulling her head out of her ass.

KingRat posted 2/4/2020 11:09 AM

Hmmm, sounds like a lot of "discord" and you don't want to be a "buzz(y)" kill, is that a fair statement to make?

GoldenR posted 2/4/2020 11:21 AM

KingRat beat me to it.

On the off chance that I'm wrong, you really need to stop saying emotional affair.

They are having sex every time she goes to work.

Canadien posted 2/4/2020 11:32 AM

The trigger point for me was that he has a minivan and he would fold down back chairs and sit with her in the back seat, while i watch them from mid chair; he would hold her hand and talk very slowly so i do not hear what they are talking about.

At home, she was using earbud to talk with him so i do not hear what they are talking about; he uses earbud at work so he can talk all day without anyone know about it.

I had that gut feeling coming my way thst she was looking for excuses constantly to go to bedroom so she can talk to him; age would give me the baby so i become distracted while she talks to him.

He uses push pull strategy of talking about other women trying to get his attention and she says she is trying to make him a better person and guiding him to stop interacting with other woman.

What can i tell her to do when he talks about other woman in his life?

[This message edited by Canadien at 11:33 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

nekonamida posted 2/4/2020 11:34 AM

Hmmm, sounds like a lot of "discord" and you don't want to be a "buzz(y)" kill, is that a fair statement to make?

Wasn't a similar story to this posted before? I could have sworn I read some of these same details on two other threads that stopped after it was pointed out.

Anyways, if this is true, Canadien you CANNOT make her stop and take notice that the OM is trash. How sure are you that it's not a PA? They're spending an awful lot of time together in person without telling you. Your WW is deep in an affair with this man.

Do you want to share her? No? Then start taking steps to get yourself out of this mess. If we knew how to "break his hold" on her or clear the fog, trust me, we'd be singing it from the hill tops. But controlling others is IMPOSSIBLE. The only one you can control is yourself so decide if you're okay sharing your WW or not and if not, start making moves to get out of this marriage.

Keep in mind - you could desperately want to R and still find yourself looking at D papers because your WW has filed and run off with the OM. You may be getting a D despite doing everything possible to keep her married to you. D is not the worst outcome. It's sharing her with OM indefinitely and having her rub it in your face like she is right now with her secret rendezvous and saying she's entitled to an EA.

Canadien posted 2/4/2020 11:40 AM

Should i talk to his wife?

She has been announcing non stop in our family gatherings that she hates when they spend so much time talking to each other, she tried to check his phone and call his work place to check his whereabouts.

But they changed to using snap chat and then not picking up call when his wife calls and then they call me to make some absurb excuse about my wife and say that she is with me, so his wife will not give him trouble.

Is it wrong to reach out to his wife?

[This message edited by Canadien at 11:41 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

fooled13years posted 2/4/2020 12:29 PM


All her and my family think we are perfect couples

There is no such thing as the perfect couple and if they do indeed think this then they are fools.

Life, and especially life with children. is tough enough. Do not try to live up to what you think they think of you. You do not need this extra pressure.

If you do want your wife back then you should consider exposing this to those she might listen to.

You need allies and if that is her family then you should consider bringing them into this situation.

redfish posted 2/4/2020 12:52 PM

"Is it wrong to reach out to his wife?"

No it is not wrong to reach out to his wife. Do Not tell either partner or family you will contact the other BS. Maybe someone here can help you with how to approach this.

To be clear you need her help to find out if this has gone to a PA. Will that be enough to take further steps? She may be the one to initiate a divorce but as others here have written, like you she can't force her WH to stop.

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