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Wife in emotional relation with another men, what to do?

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PassThis posted 2/6/2020 10:02 AM

For moving forward how can i confirm if she is moving forward without contacting him? Because the moment i ask about him,she holds me hostage so i do not wish to go through this conversation again; how do i make her accountable?


She will not be held accountable. You must give up on trying to control her. There is a saying, "If you want to save your marriage, you must be willing to let it go." She has to wake up from her "fog" and realize that she is living a fantasy, she is disrespecting her husband, and destroying her marriage and family.

He has always lied to his wife by saying that he is working overtime or going to gym whenever he meets my wife; and i do not wish for me to have the same fate; i want to be able to trust my wife.


What you wrote above is exactly why you should meet with his wife and inform her of everything that has been going on behind her back. You owe that to her since you have both been betrayed. You should forget about the threats and potential repercussions from your wife. This situation is entirely her (and her boyfriend's) fault. You and his wife should act immediately so that both of you get out of infidelity.

IMHO, everything I have suggested is consistent with actions taken by people who are "highly respected". Anything less would jeopardize that assessment of you by anyone else.

Robert22205https posted 2/6/2020 10:08 AM

The issue is very simple: she must pick you or the OM. There is no middle ground.

The stronger you are and more decisive you are the more attractive your wife will find you.

Stop arguing with her about whether her relationship with the OM is appropriate. She's selfish, entitled,immature, and lacks empathy for your feelings - so she will never agree with you.

You have a right to feel safe from infidelity (she failed).

Show zero tolerance for any further contact with the OM (including family gatherings). Every time she sees him (even walking across the street) her feelings will continue.

Exposure kills affairs.

Do not warn your wife or the OM. Expose them and let them deal with the consequences.


[This message edited by Robert22205https at 10:09 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

sisoon posted 2/6/2020 10:18 AM

There must be a way to make her see whats reality; she loses her mind when i mention to her that she might be having an affair.
No, there isn't a way to make her see reality.

Besides, you don't want her to see reality. You want her to see and choose you. But you can't make her do that, and so far she's chosen the om.

YOU need to accept THAT reality.

She then mentions why i did not ask the third guy to help setup decoration for the baby birthday party and he is angry because of that.
If that's true, then he is not simply giving to your W and you altruistically - he wants something in return.

*****

The Canadian suicide hotline phone number is 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433). Give it to your W. If she threatens suicide and won't call, perhaps your local police will intervene; they will in the US.

*****

Nothing will change unless you change it.

We can't make you take action, as much as we'd like to. (I say we because a number of the people who have responded probably want to take your hand and make it dial a good D lawyer, and a number of us probably want to push you in front of your parents and tell them your W is cheating and you're going to D her, etc., etc., etc.)

Your W is abusing you. You've been courageous enough to confront and ask her to change her behavior, but that hasn't gotten her to change from abusive W/cheater to good partner.

What is the next step for you?

You've been abused, and that takes a lot out of you. It sounds like you have been compared with your brothers a lot. That takes a lot out of you.

Is IC a possibility? A good IC will help you reconnect with your inner strength, which will enable you to act in your own best interests.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:21 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Canadien posted 2/6/2020 10:21 AM

His wife is not like me; she has always known that he is this kind of person; he is still in contacts with his ex girl friend that he broke off 20 years ago; his wife talks to her too.

He is considered alpha in his home and his wife wants to live a rich life by making him buy a business for her as she wants to quit her hectic job;

She knows my wife talks late hours with him but she will not do anything, so i can not depend on her; she will simply leak my information to him.

HellFire posted 2/6/2020 10:34 AM

Your wife has had 3 other men. That you know of. And, other than talk to her,you haven't done anything either.

You keep putting his wife down. You said you aren't the same, but you are. You say she is staying for her own personal reasons. And you are staying with your serial cheater for the respect of the family.

His wife probably very much wants to trust her husband. At least she has been vocal about not liking the relationship your wife has with her husband.

She is not the enemy here. She is in the exact same position you are. You both are married to liars,and serial cheaters.

Canadien posted 2/6/2020 10:54 AM

Issue that i had was that my wife came from india from very conservative culture, and she was 19 when she came over; so i wanted her to become more social adaptive to canadian culture.

I sent her to study at college where she made her first boyfriend; but she made it look like it was a friendship and nothing more, its just later i realized that she became emotionally involved with that friend to.

Then she started looking for bigger fish, and managers and higher position guys started chasing her; and this all information came out six months ago when she said that she has so many back up plans but she cared about me so she stayed back.

This spmething she has learned over time and i feel gullible as i wanted her to focus on self development and learnning yet this whole scenario back fired againt me.

BluesPower posted 2/6/2020 11:19 AM

Issue that i had was that my wife came from india from very conservative culture, and she was 19 when she came over; so i wanted her to become more social adaptive to canadian culture.
I sent her to study at college where she made her first boyfriend; but she made it look like it was a friendship and nothing more, its just later i realized that she became emotionally involved with that friend to.

Then she started looking for bigger fish, and managers and higher position guys started chasing her; and this all information came out six months ago when she said that she has so many back up plans but she cared about me so she stayed back.

This spmething she has learned over time and i feel gullible as i wanted her to focus on self development and learnning yet this whole scenario back fired againt me.

Listen, I don't know if you are understanding what everyone is writing.

She is not just friends with all of these men. She is having sex with them including the current one YOUR BROTHER, or whatever the relationship is...

She is putting your health in danger, have you ever heard of AIDS, or any of the other STD's that you can get?

You are in some kind of denial that none of us can understand.

Understand this, everyone in your family and the community are laughing are you.

They are making jokes behind your back, because they know that your "Wife" is sleeping with lots of OTHER MEN and lying to you.

This is my last attempt to get you to understand.

Please let us know if you understand what we are saying to you...


PassThis posted 2/6/2020 11:31 AM

Just asking for background information:

Was your marriage arranged?

Is the "highly respected" family a cultural concept in nature?

If so, what is normal in your culture with respect to fidelity and infidelity?

Are aspects of your native culture in conflict with the current culture in which you are living?

Is her boyfriend Indian? If so, is he acting in accordance with his cultural norms (Indian, Canadian, other)?

Can you and your wife form norms (e.g., acceptable behaviors, boundaries, etc.) which encompass both cultures?

Could she willingly return for a time to India to spend with her family and to refresh her recognition of expected behavior in your culture? Would that even be appropriate now that she is living in accordance with a new culture? I am not judging one culture versus another. Does she need to make a decision about what cultural norms she wants to live by?

These questions are moot if you can not get past this infidelity by your wife. But I am wondering how different cultural norms might affect your situation.

Are there any other cultural aspects that might shed light on your situation?

Who paid for your wife's education?

Who is the principal breadwinner in your relationship?

I sure that I am not familiar with your specific cultural norms, and I apologize if I, out of ignorance, might not seem to understand your mindset and condition.

It may be that lifestyle/cultural norms may be creating "irreconcilable differences" between you and your wife that can only lead to divorce as the solution.

Her transition from one culture to another may be a start in the identification of her "why" she cheated and formed this relationship with her other man (and college boyfriend). However, it is not an excuse for inappropriate relationships, lying, denying and betraying her husband and marriage.

If I am off track by this path of inquiry, I apologize and ask you to ignore this post.

Canadien posted 2/6/2020 11:51 AM

She has other cousins here living around our home too; we have known them for the last 10 years;
This third perskn we just met two years ago, he is distant part of the family; she hides all information about this third persons interaction because this is inappropriste behavior in our culture; all her cousins are married with children now.

Only i know what she has been doing all these years and her bait to me was that lets find other people we can enjoy various family activity and other hobbies with.

We started to see this guy because she was not able to handle my moms bickering and complaints; we went and talked with him to release our stress but then she almost became addicted to him while i became detached again; for me it did not matter who i spent time with as long as i had good time doing various family activity;

For her, all her focus has shifted to this third guy; she has almost broken off interaction with other frirnds and cousins; its like no one else exist in this world for her other then him.

[This message edited by Canadien at 11:52 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Robert22205https posted 2/6/2020 11:51 AM

Your wife's back up plans seem to be limited to men who wanted sex with a married woman (with no commitment).

I suggest you DNA your kids and test yourself for STDs.

Tolerating her behavior to maintain family ties should not be necessary. Exposure kills affairs.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 11:54 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Canadien posted 2/6/2020 12:24 PM

New messages and my reply back; this seems to be him guiding her for this message:

I'm not seeing negative in u.. u r assuming and pretending that I'm seeing negative in u.. that's what killing u
I have no problem with u
I still do love you a lot
Don't worry,, we'll get there.. we'll make it work out

My response:
We can only start any positive strides after u stop seeing him for emotional support; he has to become just like other cousins; otherwise your never with me.

If he is the solution to your problem then we can not move forward; u know exactly what boundaries are set and those boundaries have been crossed.

[This message edited by Canadien at 12:25 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Canadien posted 2/6/2020 13:41 PM

Hello guys; so my lights never went up until now; they would always diffuse any situation as they were working together; and it seems he is directing her messages now; they always find a way to diffuse the situation.

New message; how to respond to this?


I can clearly see whatever you're saying are not your words
I have known u n saw u n monitored u very closely
This is not u saying all these things

Marz posted 2/6/2020 13:46 PM

Marriage is for 2 not 3.

They are used to being able to manipulate you.

They are now in perplexed because it isnít working.

Just restate: If he is the solution to your problem then we can not move forward; u know exactly what boundaries are set and those boundaries have been crossed.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:47 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Marz posted 2/6/2020 13:49 PM

I donít think talk is going to fix this.

Only actions count for much

Canadien posted 2/6/2020 14:02 PM

Hello there;
So i have just recently noticed this wrong pattern they have been addicted on and they have never encounter me in such a strong tone; i just need your support to keep my spirit up as this is gone be 2 vs 1 battle; and i am gonna have to pull it together all my energy and focus to get through this.

I feel very alone in this and they feel the danger that is getting closer; i will need to be very careful how i manage this situation for the next few days and i ask for your help; i know divorcing is easy but i want to separate my wife from him and this thing is very important to me.

[This message edited by Canadien at 2:04 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Canadien posted 2/6/2020 14:28 PM

More messages for my reply:


U say that he is your boyfriend and you want me this to continue?
As i said it was my error in reading the situation; i have been telling you for last how many months but now i just figured that you two are a team, and you would never leave him; he is your ideal whatever that may be; u do not need me if u have him..

PassThis posted 2/6/2020 14:52 PM

I can clearly see whatever you're saying are not your words
I have known u n saw u n monitored u very closely
This is not u saying all these things

DO NOT EVER disclose the SI site. This is your safe place. Do not let them see what advice you are getting from here. That would give them too much counter-intelligence information in order to keep manipulating you.

Do not argue with her (them). Whether or not you are getting advice is not relevant. They are cheating/betraying you. Pointing out that "these words are not you" is using a "straw man" argument that is only giving the impression of refuting your issues and concerns, while actually bringing up issues that are not relevant to the issues at stake. Another way of responding is "So, what?" The words do exactly state my issues and concerns.

If you feel that you have to, only tell them that recently you have been doing a lot of research about infidelity and marriage. The research is in the forms of books and articles that you have been able to read which has allowed you to see your situation clearly and objectively, and it follows that you can state your concerns/issues with clarity. However, you choose your own words and you are communicating, with total confidence, exactly how you see the situation and why you are unhappy, what your boundaries are, what you need from her, and how you will get out of infidelity.

Do not mention the internet or any other detail of who your counselors are. It is none of their business. What they hear from you, is a true representation of your mind and thoughts. Nothing else matters. After all, they have been in an EA behind your back for two years. Did they share all their information and deeds with you?

She is working together with her boyfriend. If you give up your advisers, she should give up his participation in what should be a discussion between only a wife and a husband. Her boyfriend should not be a party to the conversation at all. You think she might be getting conflicted advice? (rhetorical and sarcastic). Note that no SI poster is participating in your discussions. We only provide general advise, you take what is helpful to you, and leave the rest.

On the other hand, it is not 2 versus 1. In your case you have the support/advice of almost 73,000 members of SI. So it is 2 versus 73,000. SI will not abandon you. They will be here for you (night and day, 7 days/week, 52 weeks/year). YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You can supplement SI's advice with local, IRL (in real life) family, friends, individual counselors (IC), social workers, religious advisors, etc. Having someone to talk to in IRL will help you very much.

Remember only you control you. She does not get to dictate to you any terms or conditions about your advisers, words, or actions. When she started her EA, in effect, she fired you as her husband and replaced you with her boyfriend. So, she does not have the right to tell you what to do, or to have you provide her with any support or comfort.

You get advice from SI, but you make all the decisions, especially about whether D(ivorce) or R(econciliation). SI posters do their best to help you out of infidelity by accessing their vast knowledge and personal experiences, but only you know what is best for you in your specific situation.

[This message edited by PassThis at 4:52 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

PassThis posted 2/6/2020 15:07 PM

A restating of your first previous responses might be:

U say that he is your boyfriend and you want me this to continue?

A marriage is between two people, not a husband, wife and her boyfriend. This situation is unacceptable to me.

As i said it was my error in reading the situation; i have been telling you for last how many months but now i just figured that you two are a team, and you would never leave him; he is your ideal whatever that may be; u do not need me if u have him..

You and your boyfriend are in an emotional affair, which I, and most people, consider as cheating and adultery. You have left the marriage and me. You have, in effect, fired (or dismissed) me as your husband. You are in love with him, and not me. You can be with him, but not as my wife.

Again, revise as you wish so that you are most accurately stating your position and feelings.

Canadien posted 2/6/2020 15:13 PM

More messages from my side:

If all this ideas are wrong then why would couple therapist asked to ditch third party and you would not agree..

Your loyalty is too him, u have proven this with your action, i as you put it am just dump for not sble to see it for this long.
Show me one person would be ok with what you have been doing for this long; and then we will share our story to them to get a feedback..
You and your boyfriend are in an emotional affair, which I, and most people, consider as cheating and adultery. You have left the marriage and me. You have, in effect, fired (or dismissed) me as your husband. You are in love with him, and not me.

Why did u not get such a simple concept? U always said that u have emotional connection with him; and this implies u love him.

I gave you chance to discover yourself but what you discovered was a way to alienate me in my own house; i am a stranger looking into my own house.

[This message edited by Canadien at 3:39 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

PassThis posted 2/6/2020 16:49 PM

Respectfully, I find that arguing with irrational, emotional people gets you nowhere. Also, critical discussions should be had face-to-face so that the nuances of expression, body language, tone and emotion can add to the information exchange. Note that I wrote face to face and not face to faces. The boyfriend does not have a seat at the table. Texting/emailing back and forth also allows the boyfriend to influence, compose and/or edit her inquiries and responses.

You have stated your position. When you receive push-back, it is best for you just to say "I have stated my case as clearly as I can. I have nothing else to add. You must choose between him or me. There is no other issue on the table."

Arguing with recalcitrant parties gets you nowhere. It is futile and only aggravates the situation even more, if that is possible. It makes you look weak.

Indicate that you want the answer to your vital inquiry and not interested in any other discussion, with the exception of that involving the baby. Tell her that you will listen to her when she can give you that answer. Then you should go cold and silent. Do not answer her calls, or respond to her texts/emails, avoid all interaction at home (again except baby related). This is the 180.

[This message edited by PassThis at 4:53 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

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