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Wife in emotional relation with another men, what to do?

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Robert22205https posted 2/7/2020 11:32 AM

Did your wife sleep at home with you last night?

Canadien posted 2/7/2020 16:16 PM

We both have holiday today and just doinng some outside appointments; she said nothing after my massages when she picked me up yesterday.

Later she said she will not talk to third party, but she loses her temperment as soon as i mention about the situation; she says she knows what she has to do and to leave her alone; show we talk about anything regarding the situation?

She bought some roses for me as today is valentine rose day; we are going to dinner to restaurant later.

She is very careful right now; should i just leave her alone for now and try to make a posivetive experience mo ing forward?

[This message edited by Canadien at 4:19 PM, February 7th (Friday)]

Robert22205https posted 2/7/2020 16:25 PM

IMO since it's a romantic holiday (and especially since she agreed to NC) don't discuss the OM today or tonight.

PassThis posted 2/8/2020 10:40 AM

^^^^^^THIS^^^^^

Based upon what I have read in other threads, Robert22205https gives great advice. Follow it.

You need to put much less emphasis on what she says, but instead look at what she does. You can not come to any conclusions until you have observed her ACTIONS over a decent (weeks, at least) period of time. You should remain wary about her comings and goings, use of phone and messaging, her attitude, emotions, and feelings toward you, sexual intimacy, etc. Take your time to process those observations.

After the holiday, you may ask her to seek individual counseling to help her "fix" her issues, especially how to establish and maintain boundaries with other men. NO MORE BOYFRIENDS. She must maintain NO CONTACT at all with her boyfriend. COLD TURKEY. NO "closure", etc. Consider having her send him a message that she must have no contact with him FOREVER; that she must devote all of her attention to you and to save her marriage. You should read the message before it is sent and observe her clicking the send button. You must lay down a boundary, that if she crosses it, you will immediately file for divorce. I would respectfully suggest that she is living her life following Canadian culture rules, not your family's traditional rules. Unless you adapt, you will not be successful in a reconciliation. It seems that the bad often drives out the good. But games are one-sided and unfair unless everyone follows the same rules.

Given the odd extent of the fondness of the boyfriend with respect to your baby, if not just for peace of mind, I would still DNA test your baby. Ask your wife to have a full STD panel done and to show you the report. You should be absolutely sure that you know for certain the extent of her affair, and if EA became a PA (physical). In any event, her reactions to these requests, if they are defensive or aggressive will be a tell. People who have nothing to hide or fear do not act defensively. They welcome an opportunity to show (prove) that they have done nothing wrong. She may be offended that you question her honesty. Well, that is precisely what you are doing in reaction to her improper behavior and gaslighting you. Doing what you ask is a big step in her establishing a basis for you to trust her in the future. Determine the kind of person your wife really is.

I hope you have a happy holiday.

[This message edited by PassThis at 10:47 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]

Canadien posted 2/8/2020 10:53 AM

Hello guys;
So right now she is obsessed with the source of my information; weather it be this forum or her previous best friend that i am cofiding in to get a support for myself.

She took my phone in the mornning and started to browse the forum and i had to almost take the phone away; she says u are also cheating by talking to all this guys on the forum.

She is saying i am cheating myself by disclosing our personal information on a public forum.

How do i make her understand that i need to understand myself and need someone who will listen without judging me?

She is very triggered right now, and i am not sure how to manage her.

OwningItNow posted 2/8/2020 11:29 AM

How do i make her understand

I used to believe that when people didn't like my boundaries (telling them that I would not do something or that something was not ok with me, for example) that it was my job to help people "get it" so we could live in peace and harmony.

But guess what?

There are a lot of people who frequently push on other people's boundaries ("You are being unreasonable!" or "Why do YOU get to say it's not ok?") because they are selfish. They will choose--CHOOSE--to never get it, never agree with you, never see your point of view strictly because they don't like it. They don't like not getting their way. They don't like hearing No. They are selfish, selfish, selfish. This is your W.

Canadian, you are not wrong with your "no third party in our M" boundary. It's your M, and you say No. Period!

And she is having a tantrum because she is obviously used to getting her own way. She. Will. Never. See. Your. Point. Of. View. So what? Stop needing her to be happy with your choices. Stop it right now. Let her be unhappy. Stand up for yourself because it's right for you, you deserve respect, and her opinion on this is selfish and self-serving.

Do
Not
Listen
To
Her

Go do something else. Change the channel in your head. "I hear you, W. Sorry you feel that way, but it's not open for discussion. What should we have for dinner? I was thinking of roasted chicken. Going for a run! See you later!" Change the channel and live your life. When she brings it up, listen, and then end the convo. "Sorry, but I am not changing my mind. What's on Netflix?"

Boundaries.
Read about them online.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:30 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]

Robert22205https posted 2/8/2020 12:36 PM

Her reaction is expected because she's desperate to justify her secret relationship or EA/PA affair with the OM.

First, this is not the first inappropriate relationship she has had with another man. Consequently there is no basis for you to trust anything she says.

Second, there's a big difference in anonymously seeking advice in a public group forum vs her lying and sneaking behind your back to hide in a mini-van 'talking' face to face with another man.

Thumos posted 2/8/2020 13:25 PM

The fact that she equates her lying, cheating behavior with your traumatized reaching out for help should tell you everything you need to know.

She sounds like she has a very entitled narcissistic personality. Are you sure you want to be with her?

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:28 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

PassThis posted 2/8/2020 13:25 PM

What doesn't she understand about anonymous?

You are not disclosing any private information about you or her to anyone. We don't know your real names, addresses, email addresses, phone numbers, nothing except nationality (your families originate from the third? most populous countries on earth), and you now live in Canada (still not really narrowing down your information sufficiently to ID you positively).

This is a legitimate forum which provides a place to talk to people about common problems. There is nothing wrong with that.

You would not need to visit SI if she had not cheated on you with two boyfriends. Once she fixes herself and you get out of infidelity, you will not need to visit SI (except to tell us you are doing OK).

She is still blame shifting and gas lighting.

Thumos posted 2/8/2020 13:39 PM

The trigger point for me was that he has a minivan and he would fold down back chairs and sit with her in the back seat, while i watch them from mid chair; he would hold her hand and talk very slowly so i do not hear what they are talking about.

I mean... what? Really? You’re allowing this to go on right in front of you like this?

Canadien posted 2/8/2020 13:39 PM

Hello guys;

How do i make her more interested in our future together? She was usually planning any vacation or activity with third party guy involved.

I can do this by myself as i have grown up in Canada as i have spent 20 years here; but she seems withrawn she does not participate in any conversation regrading vacation together or how we can make our life fun.

I know how to make her happy but how do i make her allow for tbis tp happen?

Thumos posted 2/8/2020 14:18 PM

You just used the phrase “make her” three times and “make our” once.

What does that tell you after everything you’ve been advised here on this forum?

Look deeper within.

You can’t “make her” do a damn thing, especially not a woman as self involved and entitled as this one.

Really you can’t. I hope for your sake that sinks in. Quit looking for magic bullet solutions, or for things you “need” to do to “‘make” her behave a certain way, or for God’s sake “make” her happy inside herself.

Do you really think it’s within your power to reach inside of her being and alter her personality? She’s showing you who she is every single day. And who she is is a very selfish, very unhappy person. Trying to force her to plan a trip with you will not change her toxic personality or her wrongheaded worldview.

[This message edited by Thumos at 2:29 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

PassThis posted 2/8/2020 14:26 PM

Just a thought and an example:

About Canadian-American Days Festival

The Myrtle Beach (South Carolina, US) Area Chamber of Commerce will host the 60th annual Canadian-American Days Festival with a bevy of events from March 14-22, 2020. Thousands of friends from the north flock to our beautiful beaches for the fun celebrations. Gear up for a variety of FREE events including concerts, golf tournaments, discounts and more.

Talk to her about your family visiting Myrtle Beach during its Canadian-American Days Festival. Myrtle Beach is the closest beach on the Eastern US coast to mid-Canada. Interstate highways get you almost all the way. Look at a globe, not a map (distorted due to projection). That starts the conversation. Then, together you can plan to go anywhere that you both think will be fun, interesting, and/or exciting. Later in the spring, Charleston SC holds its annual Spoleto Festival of arts and entertainment. If you are in British Columbia, obviously look at the US West Coast beaches, attractions.

Just start talking with her.

[This message edited by PassThis at 2:31 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

OwningItNow posted 2/8/2020 14:35 PM

Are you in IC? You seem very confused about personal boundaries, about what is your responsibility and what is not. You did not do anything to her, so her unhappiness is not your responsibility. Live your life. Stop focusing on her.

Robert22205https posted 2/8/2020 15:10 PM

Don't reveal how much detail you already know. Why? Because cheaters only confess to what they think you know (that's why she's nervous and questioning you).

Is she willing to take a polygraph test that she didn't kiss him?

Do you have any way of ensuring there is no further contact with the OM?

IMO, one benefit from exposing their EA/PA is it may bring family pressure on him to stay away from your marriage (and less temptation for your wife to deal with).

You can not plan a vacation, reason or reconcile with a woman who's mind & heart are with another man.

It will take time for her to stop thinking about the OM.

That's why she needs to go 100% NC. Every time she sees him her feelings for him will return - and the clock will reset (and she'll miss him again etc).

Marz posted 2/8/2020 16:09 PM

It takes 2 for a relationship you can’t do this by yourself.

Wake up

Canadien posted 2/8/2020 16:47 PM

So, i was confiding in her old boy friend to find a support; so, for her attack she came back with how can you confide in him he took advantage of me; he could not have me so he is strategising against me.

Then she says she has pictures as a proof; now i just asked the old boyfriend, and he does not remember anything of that sort and he asked to meet both of us to find what she is talking about.

But in all this conversation i ask her about me, and why i was never told that anything bad happened between them; he is still one of her best friend who is now replaced by the third party.

Then she asked me why i did not object when this old boyfriend was with her and now it beckmes a big deal wiyh this new guy.

She is saying that i am cheating by confiding in him; how do i make her undrrstand that i deeply care about her and still want this matter resolved without taking it to parents.

[This message edited by Canadien at 4:57 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

HellFire posted 2/8/2020 17:36 PM

You keep asking the same question..how can I make her do xxxxxx...and getting the same answer..you can't make her do,or see,anything.

How old is She? How old are you?

Canadien posted 2/8/2020 17:48 PM

Now she says that i can not see her old boyfriend if she can not talk to her new boyfriend.

What is going on with here they are both her boyfriend i am just confused about why the old boyfriend interaction metters that much to her.

She now says that she has been triggering me and showing me wrong things because i confided in the old boyfriend six months ago.


She says i never showed her attentikn and care; and that is why she had to find another who can show her the affectikn she wanted; she is saying that she wasted 10 years of her life trying to show me how to love her and i failed miserably.

I made her life miserable and that is why she had to find a place she can find peace; she told me to share with forum about how i never learned to care for her

I was 27 and she was 19 when we got married; my parents immigrated to canada so we lived a very poor lifestyle,; i did not have many friends or activity due to financial stress our family was in.

I tried my best after marriage but with limited resources and friends i could not always fulfill all her expectation, but we are in a better situation financially as we make more money; so why can't we make a better future together? Why we always have to look back at out short comings and weak moments in the past to get us to the future?

If i accept that i was wrong that i will try to be better; would that not be enough?

[This message edited by Canadien at 5:57 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

PassThis posted 2/8/2020 17:58 PM

I take back my previous advice to talk to her about a vacation.

She is now at the point that you should tell her to leave your family home. Send her to her mother. Tell her that you do not want to speak to her, or see her (at all, except for baby matters) until she decides if she wants her marriage or her boyfriend. You will not stand for her infidelity (YES, an emotional affair, if that is all is was, still IS cheating. There is NO argument to be made otherwise.) nor her disrespect, including blame shifting and gaslighting. Posters such as Thumos have compiled "non-negotiable packages" that are perfect for you to demand from her as a requirement before she can come home. Research "recent posts" on Thumos' profile for the "non-negotiable package."

I do not want to sound repetitious, but DNA your baby to make certain the baby is yours, considering how involved the boyfriend is with your wife and baby. I truly hope that the baby is yours, but the actions of your wife and boyfriend about matters concerning the baby has is not natural or normal for "a friend." Other posters please chime in if you feel the same way (or not).

You should go 180 on her. She will not talk to you like a rational person. Rather, whatever you say, she will Deny, Attack you, and Reverse the Victim and Offender (DARVO) as a tactic to gaslight you. You should not suffer this disrespect. Since you can not control her, and can only control yourself, you should avoid contact and communication with her until she gets her head out of her a**. You should suggest that she get individual counseling for her infidelity issues and any other mental disorders that she might have. You should be looking for signs of remorse (not regret) for how she has betrayed you. She must show empathy for you for the hurt she has caused by betraying you and her family. She should be able to discuss with you her "whys" for betraying you by having two affairs, denying them both, and gaslighting you as a defense.

In the end, you may have to have your wife take a polygraph test to get sufficient evidence that you know the full extent of her affairs and betrayal. That test is done at the end of your information gathering process to add a level of verification to counter her need to deny or minimize what has happened.

Assess her reactions to your demands and her subsequent actions. Take your time, but finally reach an assessment as to whether or not you can continue with this marriage. Keep posting here and consider all of the advice that you receive. Then, decide what you think is the best course of action for you. But, you must get off this train to misery.

[This message edited by PassThis at 6:01 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

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