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Wife in emotional relation with another men, what to do?

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Canadien posted 2/8/2020 19:39 PM

Now she tells me that they were doing things because i acted like it was normal.

They say if it bothered me of how they were sitting in the minivan or how i felt about their late night talks why i never said anything?

They thought i was ok with whatever was happenning so they were teasing me in a way because i was not reactjng like his wife.

Biggest thing is that somehow it is my fault that i asked for his favor when my car had accident or when i needed his help to move a mattress. She said that i use people whenever i need them but abandon them when they need me.

Somehow i am at great fault for creating all this situatikn and i should take respinsibility for this.

She thretened again to tell my family that we were taking a divorce i hesitated at the moment should i dare her tomorrow?

[This message edited by Canadien at 7:42 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

OwningItNow posted 2/8/2020 21:04 PM

You have done nothing wrong. Yes, stand up to her. Take her dare. They are very, VERY manipulative. Please seek an IC to support you.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 9:04 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

PassThis posted 2/8/2020 23:14 PM

Tell you mother everything. Then, tell her mother as well and let her know that her daughter will be staying with her for a while. After that, tell OBS (the wife of your wife's boyfriend) everything. Take the blackmail "gun" out of her hand.

Highly respected families deal with circumstances beyond their control in a highly respected manner. Acting in a highly respected manner is what earned that reputation in the first place. Have your family live up to their reputation. Have your family make your distant cousin (your wife's boyfriend) and your wife accountable for what they have done. Men from highly respected families do not let anyone, including their wives, cheat on them and then blackmail them. Call her out.

Also do what everybody else on this thread have suggested that you do. Start the 180 now. Disclose the affair to everyone now. She is acting in an egregious manner with her DARVO and gaslighting, showing no respect, regret or remorse. They were not teasing you, they were flaunting their affair right in front of you. Do not listen to their lies, denials, and minimizations (also known as bullsh*t).

Buster123 posted 2/9/2020 04:08 AM

Stop reacting to the "now she says" and take action, also stop taking the blame for the situation, she CHOSE to cheat.

She says i never showed her attentikn and care; and that is why she had to find another who can show her the affectikn she wanted; she is saying that she wasted 10 years of her life trying to show me how to love her and i failed miserably.

Brother this was all I needed to read to advice you to RUN and file for D, your WW is not even remorseful and now is even trying to blackmail you, she's not a good candidate for R by a very long shot, so contact a few D attorneys TODAY ! pick the best one for you and file for D, have her served and EXPOSE her with ALL family and close friends without warning. Don't forget to get tested for STDs just in case.

Canadien posted 2/9/2020 06:36 AM

So i took a dare yesterday night and said lets just disclose this information to family;
Initially she said how will you take a blame for your actions? And then wants me to list reason why i am not a good husband to them so that she would no get in trouble.

So, i said ok i will let them know that i am not a good husband material as i play games and watch tv all day, i have made her life miserable by not paying attention and showing care.

Then after i said that she flips and starts hitting her self and me, and again calls her old boyfriends who she did not want to talk too; she blamed him and said that you must have said something and thats why he is acting like this;

she says that she has to leave the home with the baby and she has nowhere to go if i reveal this informatikn to the family.

She says that she will do suicide in the mornning if i say anything in the mornning to the family.

She says that i am losing her respect and her completely by this actions, she says why do you like to hurt me like this...

For my take, why she does not understand that making remarks like wasted 10 years of marriage or he does not know how to be husband hurts me so much? She says she want to work on recounciliation but keeps bringing back negative comments.

She says that she is a perfect wife who knows what husband requires and fulfills her role fully while i am failling dramatically to withhold the husband role.

As i said before she almost has a transcending experience around third party guy and i want to see that for myself too.

[This message edited by Canadien at 6:49 AM, February 9th (Sunday)]

NoOptTo posted 2/9/2020 07:34 AM

Please reread your last post... it reads... me ,me ,me..... your WW is talking all about her. She even had to have you bring up what your faults are. She couldn't even do it herself because she is so consumed in herself.

Things are always everyone else's fault, not hers. As she called OM and said that he he must of said something that will cause her to move out...... she is realizing that her fraudulent behavior.

Now she is trying to manipulate you by crying suicide. The next time she says that, call 911. Let the professionals deal with her.

Time to expose her behavior and her poor choices. Find your inner strength to do the right thing and reclaim your dignity.

sisoon posted 2/9/2020 07:51 AM

Canadien, I'm very sorry for your pain. You have gotten yourself into a very bad situation. You'll stay in this bad situation until and unless you change.

Are you in fact a bad H (husband)? Do you abuse your W?

*****

If you are reporting your situation accurately, your W is actually abusing you. In that case, the sooner you get away from her, the better.

You can find a good individual counselor (IC) to help you find your strengths. You can expose your W's behavior to your mom or dad or both parents and ask for their help in resolving your situation. You can do many other things.

So far, though, every thing you do seems to end up with you feeling worse.

What are your plans? What re you thinking of doing? I don't mean just 'talk to her about ____'. I mean 'talk to her about ____. If she does ____, I'll do ____. And then I'll do ____.'

In other words, you need to do things in a way that end up with you feeling better, not worse.

*****

Right now you seem to take everything she says as the truth. It's not. She may think you're a lousy H, but what do you think?

She says they talk in the minivan. Do you believe her? Why? 2 adults together in a minivan for hours - that's a perfect opportunity to have sex.

She says you must admit to being a bad H if you expose to your parents. You don't have to do that.

Even if you're a bad H, that doesn't excuse her cheating.

*****

Here's something you really need to do:

If she threatens to kill herself, call your city's emergency services immediately.

*****

And if she's abusing you, the best thing you can do is get away from her.

I know that's difficult to do in your family situation, but it's essential for your well-being.

[This message edited by sisoon at 7:59 AM, February 9th (Sunday)]

steadychevy posted 2/9/2020 07:53 AM

Are you listening to any of the comments made on your thread, Canadien? It doesn't seem like it. Every time you post it is counter to numerous bits of advice already given.

Take charge, man. Quit trying to figure out and asking advice on how you can make her behave differently. You cannot make her behave differently. She is showing you who she is. When someone shows you who they are believe them.

When she threatens suicide call 911. Get help for her. Let the authorities deal with her. Document, document, document. It may help you in any with your child.

As has been said several times, DNA the child. The interest POS boyfriend shows too much interest in child for a distant relative.

Disclose to POS's wife (OBS). Disclose to your parents, disclose to hers. You say you have a respectable family. Weakness, being a doormat, letting someone walk all over you does not generate respect. It diminishes it.

Canadien posted 2/11/2020 12:59 PM

Hello there guys;

So she says that you can show me love by showing more attention and care then him;

Is it possible to love her even if the other guy is there?

He has a great emotional connection with her, can i break through the barrier.

She truly believes in the concept and has access to this forum now; so, explain it away; and thanks for your support so far.

[This message edited by Canadien at 1:06 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

KingRat posted 2/11/2020 13:06 PM

So basically she is asking you to compete for her love. You want the members here to spend time to post in the thread in an attempt to educate her and make a pitch for you?

Canadien posted 2/11/2020 13:10 PM

Ya, i accept my fault and short comings and i will look for more opportunities to be better and pay more attention and care to my wife; but can i out do the third guy?

Is this my responsibility? She is saying we have to work to make our relationship better and third party has nothing to do with that; he stands on his own action anf his emotional connection should not come between me and my wife.

[This message edited by Canadien at 1:13 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

KingRat posted 2/11/2020 13:18 PM

Even though for 8 pages people have answered this question. I will try to answer as straightforward as possible.

Ya, i accept my fault and short comings and i will look for more opportunities to be better and pay more attention and care to my wife; but can i out do the third guy?

YES

Is this my responsibility? She is saying we have to work to make our relationship better and third party has nothing to do with that; he stands on his own action anf his emotional connection should not come between me and my wife.

NO

The1stWife posted 2/11/2020 13:30 PM

Do not pay her more attention until the other guy is gone.

Period.

Stop letting her tell YOU what to do.

Ignore her. Remove yourself from her lying and cheating.

Canadien posted 2/11/2020 13:50 PM

She believes anyone can make emotional connection with anybody;

Is there such thing as boundary when it comes to how much u let the other person in to your life? Is it our responsibility to know when our spouse is becoming less then the other?

How to make a claim on love? Is this something u have to fight over or is it simply given and you try to mske the best of what you've got.

HellFire posted 2/11/2020 13:54 PM

Since she thinks she is innocent, tell her to sign up and start posting. Maybe our former waywards here can help her.

I mean..why not? If it's really you that's the problem, and she's done nothing wrong, she should want to be able to make you understand her point of view.

PassThis posted 2/11/2020 14:22 PM

So she says that you can show me love by showing more attention and care then him;

So she has cheated on you TWICE by having two affairs and she wants to set herself up as the "prize"? Why would you want to win her back? She has shown that she does not love or respect you and her morals are not sufficient to keep her from having affairs. She is asking you to play the "pick me" game.

If she denies an affair, just please, do not let her insult your intelligence. What she has been doing is denying, lying, and gaslighting you.

She should compete for YOU. She needs to fix herself and then have her fixed, new self compete against her former broken self by comparison. If she can not win that competition convincingly (to you), then she loses.

Is it possible to love her even if the other guy is there?

No. She is infatuated with the other guy. She has put him on a pedestal and has created a fantasy life with him. You can not compete with her fantasy. You are the provider for her financial stability. Her emotions are with him. If you are to remain a couple, she has to eliminate him from her life FOREVER.

He has a great emotional connection with her, can i break through the barrier.

NO. You can not do anything except to state to her that she can have him in her life as she pleases, but not as your wife. She has to decide, on her own, that she is broken, needs to fix herself, and become the loving, faithful (at least in the future) wife that you deserve. If she chooses to stay with you, you then need to watch her actions for over a long period of time until you are certain that you can trust her to not betray you again. You need to tell her, and mean it wholeheartedly, that if she ever shows any infidelity again, you will separate/divorce from her without further discussions. You are not living in India, but Canada. She may have been corrupted, or emancipated depending upon your perspective, by Western cultural norms, while you, and your families, are still operating on your traditional norms. Both of you must agree upon which norms will be adopted for your relationship, and then proceed in life adhering to those mutually chosen norms. In the West, although the stigma of divorce is not as harsh, it is still totally up to the individual to decide whether or not to be polyamorous or to have an open marriage. You get to decide what is acceptable.

She truly believes in the concept and has access to this forum now; so, explain it away; and thanks for your support so far.

You are asking for an "appeal to authority' to convince your wife of her infidelity, even if only an emotional affair, minimization, denials, lying, disrespect and betrayal. You do not have to appeal to authority. You only need to know what is, or is not, acceptable behavior for yourself. Then you make the call. You may divorce for "irreconcilable differences." "I can not stand, or put up with, you or your boyfriend" qualifies.

If she is not deliberately gaslighting you, she is caught up so much in her bullshit that she is toxic and unrepairable. She has not reflected on your feelings, desires, happiness, so I sincerely doubt she is going to give a ounce of credence to what I post. I am posting this as simply a statement of the obvious and the facts of the matter. If she "gets it," great. If not, she is still wrong and she is not anyone's "prize".

I suggest that you separate from your wife and, as I posted before, send her to stay with her mother or with family in India. DNA test your baby. The other guy's interest in the baby and your wife's desire to have him involved in the baby's party decorations is a "red flag", or concerning development which begs for clarification. It seems odd and inappropriate.

If divorce is not realistic, then separation may be your best alternative.

This woman has "fired" you from the role of husband. You have been reduced to a "meal ticket", or perhaps you are just cultural baggage since divorce is frowned upon in your culture.

Times are changing in the Indian culture. I found this BBC item interesting:

Over time, the traditional joint family has given way to nuclear families in cities and towns; and more and more women are going to work or setting up their own businesses. Many urban women no longer have to depend on their spouses for financial security, men are sharing household chores; and gender equations are slowly changing.

Do not let your wife behave like she is single while married to you. Tell her to reflect on her marriage and family and decide what is important to her. If she decides that the "other guy" is more important to her than you, her marriage, and her family, divorce her. I am sure that there are many Canadian women who will treat you much better than she has (pretty obvious since she has set the bar so low).

Good luck.

Me, I would just divorce her. I really do not see how anyone could stand her for a second longer given how horrible she has treated you by openly, flauntingly having two immoral (IMHO) affairs. But, that may not be you. Just understand why you would want to saddle yourself for the rest of your life with such a poor example of a wife. Cultural biases, or not, that is a lifetime sentence for bad acts that SHE did, not YOU. You have done nothing to disgrace yourself (except for tolerating her bad behavior for so long).

[This message edited by PassThis at 2:26 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

Canadien posted 2/11/2020 16:23 PM

Biggest concept coming out from all this is that my wife says that she has wasted last 10 years showing me how to love her; while he sings the same tune in saying that so many years are wasted trying to fix the wife.

How come two separate couples have same conclusion? Is it not spouse responsiblity to stay and make the best of what they have?

I do not smoke, drink alcohole or do anything bad to her; i am always looking to do fun activities together and also take care of baby and even clean dishes if required;
i even have a job where i am enjoying myself and all my colleagues respect me; I am there if she ever needs my help; yet she says i am useless and not a good husband material; what did i ever do wrong for her to say that to me?

What is this secret recipes missing in me as a person that she is saying that i am repulsive to her.

OwningItNow posted 2/11/2020 16:53 PM

What is this secret recipes missing in me as a person that she is saying that i am repulsive to her.

Why do you want to stay with a woman who treats you so badly? Please tell your families what she wants and how she is talking. Then find a better wife.

GoldenR posted 2/11/2020 16:58 PM

Canadien....

I'll give you a sure fire way to get the OM outta the way.

Set. Her. Free.

Tell her you're done and you wish her and loverboy well in their life together. I guarantee that after just a few short weeks of him being with her full time, experiencing the real her full time, he will see that she is actually nothing more than a mix of pure misery and entitlement, and he will realize that he wound up with nothing more than a booby prize. He will send her packing.

And then she will all of a sudden realize how much she loves you.

Guaranteed.

HellFire posted 2/11/2020 17:08 PM

She has spent the last 10 years showing you how to love her.

She should have spent the last ten years showing you how much she loves you.

The problem is not you. Nothing you did made her cheat. She is selfish. She is cruel. She is abusive.

People from respectable families do not tolerate trash. They do not allow Someone to dirty their family name. There is nothing respectable about this woman.

Tell your family the truth. Tell her family the truth. If she threatens suicide, call the Police. Also,call her boyfriend and let him take care of her, since she thinks he's better than you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:09 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

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