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Wife in emotional relation with another men, what to do?

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sisoon posted 2/12/2020 11:40 AM

...and she has had a lot of opportunity to make this a physical connection as well as an emotional one.

Suppose all 3 of you were single and, say, working or in school together. In that environment, I think this would look like a situation in which you like a girl a lot more than she likes you, and she's hooked on another guy anyway.

I don't think you can win your W back.

PassThis posted 2/12/2020 13:48 PM

You seem to be having paralysis by analysis. I respectfully suggest that you are discussing/considering your issues way too much and actually acting way too little.

You may have some partial responsibility for issues related to your marriage, but she is 100% responsible for choosing to betray you by having an emotional connection with another guy. This connection is interfering with the marriage and is inappropriate. A wife is NOT allowed to have emotional connections to other men when that connection interferes, restricts, or limits the connection between a husband and a wife (and, in your case, also between a father and a child). There are two people in a marriage, not three or more. Again, she is gaslighting you in order to deflect her culpability for her affairs. Please research DARVO, which I posted previously.

Please tell your wife you are tired of her nonsense and she must decide whether to recommit to her marriage or not. Do not let her manipulating blackmail dissuade you from taking action. She is holding herself hostage and asking you to pay her ransom. NOT NICE! You then decide to give her a chance to reconcile, or to separate/divorce. If she can not decide immediately after being confronted (you have discussed this situation enough that she should have an answer ready), make the decision for her and move forward. Do not settle for another spin of the current merry-go-round. Merry-go-rounds don't actually get you anywhere. They just spin.

You have 9 pages of posts, all of which generally recommend the same thing. I believe a consensus of advice has been reached. Of course, you have the final decision. IMHO, with respect to your posted issues, it is now "asked, and answered." I also believe that the advice that you have received has been generally very good. Do not waste more of your life in misery. It is time to get out of infidelity. Miss this opportunity and you will be perceived as weak. That is not "respected".

This post is just my take, and you are welcome to reflect on it, or just ignore it. Americans (like me) are often criticized for acting prematurely and without thorough reflection and planning. Americans often think that other cultures worry too much, and act too little. Both of these sides probably have some validity. However, I typically respond to a problem with an adaptive mindset, immediately start moving forward toward a solution, and adjust my actions/path as conditions require. The end result is, the "American" way often solves problems before others have completed their contemplation. I apologize if you think I am a typical American who rushes into action without thinking through the situation enough. I do hope that you can get out of infidelity as soon as possible. Consider acting while simultaneously contemplating.

Good luck.


Canadien posted 2/12/2020 13:54 PM

Hello there i am trying to make her understand this concept;

Even if i know something fully and i know what to do; i will still ask her what to do? This thing i do is because i do not ever want to miss an opportunity to talk to my wife and in no way related to my ignorance as it is put forth.

She can show me 100 ways to love her but i will keep going back and asking what i can do to show her that i love you, this in no way means that i am incapable of loving.

How do you define or explain this concept? Do you guys have any tips?

DBFool2019 posted 2/12/2020 13:56 PM

How do i make her stop and be truthful?

You divorce her?

I mean seriously, she is being as disrespectful as humanly possible right now.

Do you really want to be with this person? It's your cousin no less!

I'm sorry you're here. Hang in there and start thinking about you and the kids.

DBFool2019 posted 2/12/2020 14:00 PM

Divorce is out of question as we come from very respected family and no one knows about her affair; she says she will turn things pretty bad if i share this with anybody.

I don't think you understand what the word respected means. What she is doing (having sex with her husband's cousin) is nowhere near anything resembling respectable.

She's calling your bluff. Either expose it for the world to see or hold it over their heads and get the best possible divorce deal you can. After the paperwork us signed, let the information fly anyway!

DBFool2019 posted 2/12/2020 14:07 PM

The trigger point for me was that he has a minivan and he would fold down back chairs and sit with her in the back seat, while i watch them from mid chair; he would hold her hand and talk very slowly so i do not hear what they are talking about.

Brother please! If some dude holds my wife's hand and whispers to her in my eyesight, he's going to the damn hospital! They are 1 step away from making you their cuckold.

Please wake up here!

DBFool2019 posted 2/12/2020 14:10 PM

and then they call me to make some absurb excuse about my wife and say that she is with me

YOU are helping THEM cheat on YOU!!

This is a LARP!

DBFool2019 posted 2/12/2020 14:23 PM

She does not have anyone else she confides in; she lives a very superficial life with everyone else.

I guess you're a chopped liver sandwich and not HER HUSBAND??

She does not make friendships with girls because they end up gossiping or complaining about mundane things.

Not to mention she prefers sex with men.

He has become the source of guidance and mentoring for her; as they come from similar job and where they grew up.

He is someone she can count on; he will come in the middle of the night if she asks him to do something.

To have sex.

She says that she can read people, and being beautiful there are so many guys always pursuing her, but she can read character and she has selected him because he will not take advantage of her, and they have a very strong emotional connection with each other.

BS of the highest caliber.

We live as a joint family with my parents and my brothers family; so there is family conflict time to time; at those times she can go to him to release all the stress built up and he can give her guidance and advide on how to resolve the family related issue.

Again.....are you her husband or is he her husband?

He has two daughters so he knows the difficuly and challenges; he guides her on how to best take care of baby related issues.

I guess they don't have book stores in Canada now?

She has insomnia and can not sleep easilly during night, she needs somone to talk to her for her to go to sleep; he keeps his company and helps her get to sleep.

Again man......please grab a dictionary and look up spouse!!!

What do you guys think about these points and am i a bad person for taking this important support system away from her?

Yes you obviously are. How dare you mildly complain while your wife has sex with your cousin???

I'm sorry I'm coming off like an ass here, but you need to wake up man before she makes you watch HIS kids so they can use YOUR bed!!

DBFool2019 posted 2/12/2020 14:29 PM

Last time i asked her to stop this is what she said:

He has done so much for you like going to doctor with me when you could not come from you workplace.

You had better DNA test that baby friend.

Also he is the only one who has taken us to many trips and we go to his house so many times.

So......he takes you on trips, so he gets to have sex with your wife and ruin your marriage?

DBFool2019 posted 2/12/2020 14:34 PM


She loses her temperment really fast and her instinct is to hit herself or hit me if i am saying something that she does not like.

You need to carry a VAR in your pocket at all times to record every interaction. She is going to accuse you of abuse if you start to show some balls and stop taking her crap.

ShutterHappy posted 2/12/2020 15:50 PM

I donít think the OP is reading the replies in this thread

Canadien posted 2/12/2020 15:59 PM

Hey there;

I am reading all you're replies, and i am sorry that i can not be as fast as some of u guys are advocating me to be.

Maybe i want to give my wife the benefit of the doubt or i need more self reflection to change my approach in how i plan to live my life.

Yet in all i can assure u guys that my eyes are open now and i admit my mistske for no knowing something so obvious for so long.

They took advantage for this long out of my naive nature, but you learn by falling and that i have done immensly now.

Today she said that why do i listen to this people from american culture, they believe in first divorce and then anything else, she wants me to stop posting snd following the forum.

I just sent her another message, please guys i need your supprt to fix myself as i see me broken today. I see her lost in her mind even if she is there physically; i can see her in front of me but i can not reach her.

Where did this outrageous expectations come from? This is not who u are i know so i am dumbfounded to find how did you're psyche self transform that much in to what it is today?

I do not recognize this person at all.

[This message edited by Canadien at 4:59 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

NoOptTo posted 2/12/2020 17:11 PM

Hi Canadian,

I once read a saying... it's very hard to change an aspect of yourself. Its IMPOSSIBLE TO CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE!!!!

You have been beating your head against a brick wall trying to make your WW seevypur point of view. She is defending her actions to all ends. Her thinking is that of a wayward. You can not change that. Only she can change that.

What can you do? Stand by your values. Your beliefs. Your morals. Your standards.

Please stop saying that you are admitting to your faults in the marriage. She has constructed a web of behavior to do what she wants and to blame you for her actions.

Can she have an emotional connection with a male. The simple answer is yes. The problem comes when she crosses the line and takes the interst of someone else over the person she married. The person she married a husband who is supposed to be number one in her life. She is choosing to invest energy in another. He certainly taking away from her husband. Hence she is cheating.

You have a constant urge to ask your wife how she feels. How do I do this. How should I do that that. You are giving her the power over you. You are letting her be the one in charge of your relationship. She has begun to view you as a beta person. One not worthy of being on equal footing with her.

So what can you do now. You can take charge of yourself. You find your value system and begin living by again. Then you talk to your WW, and tell her that she is free to act as she wants. If she wants to have her friendship with OM, you will file for D. You refuse to be a second choice anymore. If she wants her marriage, OM goes bye bye forever. She goes to IC,INDIVIDUAL counseling for her behavior and to learn what allowed her to let someone else into her marriage.

It's time to take your life back. If she does want to join you, she will. If not, show the strength to live how you want. There is no longer a need to be second choice to any one else.

OwningItNow posted 2/12/2020 17:25 PM

Your entire life with her seems to be, "What should I do to make you happy? How can I help you? How can I get the love I want from you?" And then she tells you where you have gone wrong.

You = wrong, bad.
Her = tells you if you are wrong or bad.

Perfect, right? Except you are still unhappy. So you've already tried asking her and it has not helped. What is your plan if listening to her "advice" is not making you happy????

ShutterHappy posted 2/12/2020 17:29 PM

Try to take a cat on the roof of your house and throw it. Does it fly?

Take another cat. Does it fly?

Try to talk to your wife. Does she show empathy? Try again... it doesnít work because your WW is selfish and only thinks of herself.

There no point talking to her. She will gas light you.

Your canít R with her. You canít make a cat fly either. File for D and donít look back.

Canadien posted 2/12/2020 17:37 PM

We went to multiple couples counselling sessions and i wanted to discuss the third party role in our marriage, but she said that we have to work on our own emotional connection separate from him.

And, marriage councellor was giving multiple tasks to connect but she was constantly making remark that he does not know what paying attention is and i am incapable of this task.

She almost walked out when third party name came during sessions and told me to stop bringing third party into the conversation when we meet for the session.

Carissima posted 2/12/2020 17:55 PM

At least tell this man's wife the truth of what's been going on between him and your wife.
This woman may take action to stop the affair since, to be honest, you seem reluctant to do so.
This inaction will never do what you want, it will never bring your wife back to you. From your comments it sounds like she sees you as weak, and I'm sorry to be harsh, but you acting like this will merely reinforce her belief.

GoldenR posted 2/12/2020 18:07 PM

Canadien -

You have ignored every bit of advice to you here. What is it that you want from us?

OwningItNow posted 2/12/2020 18:40 PM

Do you understand "you can't nice your spouse back"? It means that being nice to her won't get you her love. We see it over and over and over here.

When you love her, respect her, ask her, listen to her, speak kindly to her, it gets you nothing. Because being nice won't fix this.

What will fix it? Us. Being nice to ourselves while getting hurtful people out of our lives. (If they keep hurting us, why do we stay close to them? It's like punching ourselves in the face. Stop.)

I'm sorry.

Has she always been this selfish? Was she ever respectful and kind toward you?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:53 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

RubixCubed posted 2/12/2020 21:29 PM

Today she said that why do i listen to this people from american culture, they believe in first divorce and then anything else, she wants me to stop posting snd following the forum.

Of course, she does, so she can manipulate you with her total bullshit. What she doesn't realize is that she does not need to manipulate you at all because you have ignored EVERY piece of advice given to you and won't do a thing. You will be plan B and his back-up until she decides you won't and she will be done with you.
You better wake up quick and stop being so weak.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 9:36 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

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