"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Canadien posted 2/4/2020 12:53 PM

Her mom came last year for a visit; she was very cautios and fearful when she saw her daughter talking so much to this third guy; at that time my wife made me say that i am aware of her conversation with this third guy to calm her mom.

Her family is very sensitive especially her mom; if i go to them then this will break her life because they believe her to be responsible one.

Her mom has diabetes and might immediately have a breakdown,as i have never said anything wrong about her daughter.

Should i still go? She presents him as the only family who understands her in canada, so if i make any accusation then she will go all out against me she said earlier.

crazyblindsided posted 2/4/2020 13:20 PM

I agree with the other posters that you need to expose this to the other wife and let her know they have continued on Snapchat. They are hiding this and that's what liars do.

I also think if they have been in close proximity then it is a physical affair too.

Canadien I feel for you especially that you are more concerned about how this is going to affect everyone else. What about you and how this has affected you.

The saying around here is that you have to be willing to lose the M in order to save it. You have to lay down some hard boundaries like No Contact with the OM. Continued contact should be a dealbreaker for you.

It's not easy and lots of us have struggled through this process including myself. Hope you find your anger soon.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:21 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

fareast posted 2/4/2020 13:30 PM

Canadien:

Sorry you find yourself here. As a primary rule: always value yourself. Do not accept crumbs and disrespect from someone who pledged fidelity to you. Do not let your actions be governed by your fears

Inform the other man's BW. Take action to get out of infidelity. You have received great advice on what you need to do. Good luck.

Canadien posted 2/4/2020 13:35 PM

Hello, so to clarify my wife says i do not pay attention to her; while thats all i do.

I have no extra curricular activity, hobies or friends for me to ignore her; i take care of the baby when i am home, but she constantly compares to me and says that i lack this or that trait.

She is so full of life and positive when she talks to him over the phone or when we meet but is hyper sensitive and aggresive around me.

She lists multiple traits i need to achieve before i am worthy and that just kills me deep down inside.

How can person be so different how they interact in this scenarios.

[This message edited by Canadien at 1:37 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

crazyblindsided posted 2/4/2020 13:46 PM

my wife says i do not pay attention to her; while thats all i do.

That is what is called blameshifting. She does not want to be held accountable for her actions. Lot's of cheaters do this. Don't listen to it as she is trying to control the outcome.

She is so full of life and positive when she talks to him over the phone or when we meet but is hyper sensitive and aggresive around me.

She is still in the A and A fog that's why. You are collateral damage.

She lists multiple traits i need to achieve before i am worthy

No she does not get to dictate anything after an A in fact it is she who needs to become worthy. She is not remorseful at all and you can't even move forward with this.

Expose the A and 180.

fooled13years posted 2/4/2020 13:59 PM

Canadien,

She is so full of life and positive when she talks to him over the phone or when we meet

When anyone is in a new relationship, and that is what this is, they only see the positives about the other person and don't see all the negatives.

but is hyper sensitive and aggresive around me

This may be because she feels like she is cheating on him while she is with you.

Stand your ground!

If this continues let her know that you will not be a part of it and will not facilitate their meetings or their telephone calls.

Canadien posted 2/4/2020 14:00 PM

According to her i should just drop all this insecurity and focus on all the positive experience we got after we met this third person.

She keeps remiding me that the other guy senses all this chaos going on in our relationship and i should start being greatful for all the previous favors and help he gave us.

She says that all this books and people i am talking to are bringing out the worse in me, she even took me to some specialist who removes dark magic.

Best dialogue is why did u ask for his help when u could not come to routine doctor visit with me while i was pregnant, your job is less important then our baby.

She said she wasted her 10 years trying to show me how to love her and to understand her and now she has given up.

She says that his wife is possesive and materialistic and does not understand him; so that is why he has become distant to her.

Biggest dialogue is that he helped me so i want to help him too, i need his guidance for clarity and development.

KingRat posted 2/4/2020 14:01 PM

Who can i share this information with? All (my wife) and my family think we are perfect couples and she never let anybody know about the third guy.

(AP wife) has been announcing non stop in our family gatherings that she hates when they spend so much time talking to each other, she tried to check his phone and call his work place to check his whereabouts.

Despite his wife announcing at your family functions that your wife and her husband spend too much time together and she is so suspicious that she has attempted to check his phone and whereabouts, your family thinks you "are perfect couples"? Now your wife's family doesn't know and you are afraid to tell her mother due to her diabetes?

What about the white magic? Have you tried white magic to offset the effects of the dark magic? See that might be the key to all of this. You should really consider the white magic.

Guys, do we have a magician or an expert in enchantments or incantations that can help this poor guy?

[This message edited by KingRat at 2:13 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Canadien posted 2/4/2020 14:17 PM

The wife announcement came at his family function so none of my family knows about it; her daughters also know that their daddy is daily talking to their aunt and they constantly make jokes about how their dad should marry their aunt.

[This message edited by Canadien at 2:19 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

KingRat posted 2/4/2020 14:23 PM

announcing non stop in our family gatherings

So by "our" you mean "his"?

ChamomileTea posted 2/4/2020 14:26 PM

We can't have everything in life. If we want an emotionally satisfying primary relationship which includes fidelity, then that has to be our priority. If, on the other hand, we want the outward trappings of success and the admiration of onlookers, then THAT has to be the priority. Right now, you're trying to have both.. and it's not working.

We've only got ONE card in our hand when it comes to infidelity, one play. And that is our refusal to comply with our WS's deceit. If the WS wants an intimate relationship with someone outside the marriage and if we're NOT okay with that... there's just one move we can make, and that is to withdraw from the triangle.

This isn't what you want to hear, and I'm sorry for that. But you can't MAKE anyone do anything they don't want to do. The only person you can control is you. Your first step though is deciding what your priorities are.

Canadien posted 2/4/2020 14:28 PM

Ya his mom knows that they are talking and she likes my wife more then his own wife.

So, his wife is teaching her daughters that the daddy is never home and he only talks to aunt late in the night.

He talks openly in his house to my wife; while my wife hides in our bedroom when talking to him.

None of my immediate family knows about this sitiation, as i live with my brother family and we also have parents staying with us.

She has avoided detection so far in our house by meeting him outside and talking from my bedroom after locking the doors.

Buster123 posted 2/4/2020 14:38 PM

You need to stop acting or not acting out of fear, your WW is most likely in a full blown PA, she pretty much wants you to approve of this one sided open M and allow you to share her with OM. Nothing kills an A faster than FULL EXPOSURE with ALL family and close friends and of course with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse), you also should talk to an attorney ASAP to know your legal options. You need to EXPOSE without warning for maximum impact, at this point you really don't have much to lose, she's gone and attached to OM, don't forget to get tested for STDs. I would file for D without warning, D takes a long time and can be stopped if she comes around and shows true remorse (not just regret), offers full on demand access to her phone and electronic devices and passwords FOREVER. EXPOSE TODAY !!!

redfish posted 2/4/2020 14:49 PM

At this point I don't know if I need more information about what is going on in your marriage. I would like to know what actions you will do immediately?

Post your plan here before you do anything. You have a group of posters here that have seen this before. They have helped many a BS figure this out.

You say you don't have any hobbies or activities. One thing I did was to begin introductory courses in martial arts. The first class is usually free. I have gone to 4-5 places now. I do this for me, to become confident and get out of the house.

Canadien posted 2/4/2020 15:05 PM

I will resume my gym membership again, so i can get out of the house and to get fit as you say; my schedule is changing in two weekes as i will be working 7am-3:00 pm; i can go to gym after work.

I have been reading lots of audio books to learn and develop my self; and implement right habits; i will continue to go that route to motivate myself to get positive vibes around me.

Biggest issue is that she keeps meeting and calling him but denies entirely and blames me for her troubles with him.

I have asked her to stop interaction for the last six months without success,she flat out lies and is protecting him.

I see her log in the GPS at his work but she denies it; should i tell her about the tracker in the gps?

She even found an excuse by saying she takes shortcut from his workplace, but tracker only adds location after 15 minutes idle of car, so she can not be waiting at his workplace for more then 15 minute so she can come home early.

[This message edited by Canadien at 3:14 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

northeasternarea posted 2/4/2020 15:27 PM

How do i make her stop and be truthful?

Simple answer is that you can't make her do anything, you can only decide what is acceptable to you and act accordingly.

You can't, nor should you try to nice her back. Don't give up the source of your information.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 3:28 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

brooke4 posted 2/4/2020 18:47 PM

So, my wife has a very strong emotional connection with one of my distant cousin; we saw him first time two years ago.

None of my immediate family knows about this sitiation, as i live with my brother family and we also have parents staying with us.

So isn't this guy also your brother's cousin? Perhaps he could have a word with him?

Canadien posted 2/5/2020 06:12 AM

This is my take on what she is thinking:

She does not have anyone else she confides in; she lives a very superficial life with everyone else.

She does not make friendships with girls because they end up gossiping or complaining about mundane things.

He has become the source of guidance and mentoring for her; as they come from similar job and where they grew up.

He is someone she can count on; he will come in the middle of the night if she asks him to do something.

She says that she can read people, and being beautiful there are so many guys always pursuing her, but she can read character and she has selected him because he will not take advantage of her, and they have a very strong emotional connection with each other.

We live as a joint family with my parents and my brothers family; so there is family conflict time to time; at those times she can go to him to release all the stress built up and he can give her guidance and advide on how to resolve the family related issue.

He has two daughters so he knows the difficuly and challenges; he guides her on how to best take care of baby related issues.

She has insomnia and can not sleep easilly during night, she needs somone to talk to her for her to go to sleep; he keeps his company and helps her get to sleep.

What do you guys think about these points and am i a bad person for taking this important support system away from her?

[This message edited by Canadien at 6:13 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

hechy posted 2/5/2020 06:56 AM

Canadien, why Are you married to her?

Canadien posted 2/5/2020 07:30 AM

She has mentioned that he has great emotional connection with her; she does not think that emotional connection = cheating.

She says that over the years she has learned social aspect of things and can evaluate people accordingly.

She says that he should not be part of our connection; that i need to work on improving our connection independent of their friendship.

Do you guys have any practical input regrading this concept she is presenting? I really mean no harm for her and really want her to get more clarity on emotional connection.