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Wife in emotional relation with another men, what to do?

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Robert22205https posted 2/5/2020 08:55 AM

Place a VAR in her car so you can listen to their conversation.

Canadien posted 2/5/2020 09:03 AM

Problem is that she will go in his minivan to talk, so hard to get a full picture of what is going on; she already knows that i got some kind of tracker in the car so she will not talk there.

Should i ask her to limit interaction and taking me with her so i can be part of the conversation;

he just calls during the night and with snap chap video on they mostly just look at each other; i can not hear most of their conversation because she is using earbuds.

sisoon posted 2/5/2020 09:21 AM

You do not need any more data. Your do not need a VAR. You have already asked her to stop, and she won't. Your W is cheating and blaming you for it.

As painful as that is, you need to accept it.

*****

Gently, Canadien, your problem isn't your W. It's you - and that's a good thing, because you can solve your own problems, and no one else can do that for you.

You can't solve your W's problems. You can't change her. You can't make her stop talking to this guy.

You can choose to stop your pain, by giving her a choice between ending all contact with this guy or ending your M. Your only other choice is to stay in your M, with more pain every time you think about what she's doing.

If you can't find the strength to give her that choice, a good IC can help you find or develop it.

*****

Also, and again gently, I question your how aware you are of reality.

You've said that outing her will harm her mother, but you also state that her mother suspects. It's very possible, however, that bringing your W's EA (emotional affair) out into the open will help your MIL - because now, as it is, she suspects but is being 'gaslighted.' If you out the A, she will know she is not crazy.

You also say you and your W are seen as a perfect couple. How is that possible if your cousin's W has been talking about her H's infidelity?

A good IC can help you check out how closely your perceptions match what is really going on.

*****

I am really sorry your W is doing this. Unfortunately, she'll continue to hurt you every moment until you make changes in yourself and in your life. I know that's not fair, but it is real.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:27 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

DoinBettr posted 2/5/2020 09:43 AM

Canadien - You want things you can do to take action.
First, you need to tell anyone and everyone you don't agree with her relationship with him. Their secret can not become yours. Otherwise she will see this as you approving of their relationship.
Now, move out of the bedroom. Tell her you are going to start looking for a replacement for her because she has replaced you in the marriage.
Your wife is focusing on reasons she deserves this relationship over a relationship with you.
Why is that ok for you?
Why is her happiness so much more valuable than you happiness?
Ask her why she can't share what is happening with this man and his wife if it isn't more than it should be? If she is an adult, why does she need to lie/hide it?

BluesPower posted 2/5/2020 10:06 AM

Problem is that she will go in his minivan to talk, so hard to get a full picture of what is going on; she already knows that i got some kind of tracker in the car so she will not talk there.
Should i ask her to limit interaction and taking me with her so i can be part of the conversation;

he just calls during the night and with snap chap video on they mostly just look at each other; i can not hear most of their conversation because she is using earbuds.

Brother, she is not going into the mini van to talk.

Do you understand that? She is going into the mini van to screw...

Canadien posted 2/5/2020 10:15 AM

Can i ask my wife about how she feels about the third guy; will she be honest?

My wife is under great stress from the baby and demanding job.

I am really all alone right now; trying to tackle this problem.

His wife only mentioned around her family, and my wife stays far away from him when other cousins meet together.

He provides house and his wife is not too bright and wants his money and she wants people to see them as perfect couple so she hides all this details from other cousins.

Marz posted 2/5/2020 10:18 AM

Divorce is out of question as we come from very respected family and no one knows about her affair; she says she will turn things pretty bad if i share this with anybody.

She cheats and holds you hostage?

Nope, you are the only one holding yourself hostage.

While you may think your wife is special she just your very typical cheater.

Your lack of any action just enables her behavior. You are effectively accepting what she’s doing.

You change nothing you’ll just continue to get the same results.

chelsea9 posted 2/5/2020 10:19 AM

I agree with every word of what Sisoon said, it's the perfect summary.

You need to wake up. They are having at the very least a full blown EA, more likely a full blown PA, and she is gaslighting you to make you feel like you are the crazy one. And note how in her account all the fault is with you, not her.

You can only take control of one thing, getting out of infidelity. And that means risking the M to save it. If you can't save it, then that was not in your control anyway.

Marz posted 2/5/2020 10:19 AM

Can i ask my wife about how she feels about the third guy; will she be honest?

You already know from her actions. Why bother?

Canadien posted 2/5/2020 10:59 AM

She has told me what proof do you have, and mentioned things will get really bad for me if i do something unexpected; do i wait until i have proof?

How to get proof if they have been protecting themselves all this time?

HellFire posted 2/5/2020 11:05 AM

Women don't want to be her friend because she is a superficial narcicist. Men want to be her friend because she's easy.

crazyblindsided posted 2/5/2020 11:35 AM

She has told me what proof do you have, and mentioned things will get really bad for me if i do something unexpected; do i wait until i have proof?

So now she is threatening you to stay quiet. She sounds very manipulative to me. I think you already have enough proof. Either she ends contact or you will end the M. Why are you giving her control?

sisoon posted 2/5/2020 12:10 PM

Canadien,

When infidelity hits, I think the BS is inundated with anger, grief, fear, and shame. Usually anger or grief come first. It looks like fear has come first for you.

You're letting your fear rule you - but you have your fear; it doesn't have you. You can think when you're scared. You can act when your scared.

My guess is that right now you're thinking you cannot win - you either give up a lot of your illusions and possibly give up your reputation, self-image, and family as you know it or you give up your self respect and doom yourself to a life of pain with your W.

But really your choice is lose-win.

You lose by not changing. You win by changing.

Yes, many of your illusions have been shattered. If you take action to force your W to choose you risk your family, reputation, assets, etc., etc., etc.

But if you change yourself and take action, you win your self-respect, and you make yourself available for a rewarding relationship with a new partner. That new relationship may be with your W, if she decides to change from cheater to good partner, or it may be with another woman. And if you take the right actions, you'll definitely be a good 'partner' to yourself.

If I've read you right, you may not see the benefits of taking action and getting out of infidelity, but they are there, and they are worth the effort.

Canadien posted 2/5/2020 12:12 PM

I just sent her the message:

Are you gonna continue to meet him, or are u gonna stop?

Her response:
What is this
What's wrong with u


I am planning to talk to her after work today, he will probably meet her by then to devise a plan to diffuse the situation.

How much should i push for clarification today?

[This message edited by Canadien at 12:13 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

DragnHeart posted 2/5/2020 12:19 PM

You say

This is your husband asking you to stop seeing another man.

You dont need proof. You already have it. You simply tell her that her devotion to another man and having another man in your marriage is unacceptable to you.

Canadien posted 2/5/2020 12:51 PM

Last time i asked her to stop this is what she said:

He has done so much for you like going to doctor with me when you could not come from you workplace.

Also he is the only one who has taken us to many trips and we go to his house so many times.

You can not stop talking to someone who has always shown up and helped whenever you needed it.

How would you compare the favor? You hurt him and he can sense what you did to me.

DragnHeart posted 2/5/2020 13:03 PM

How did you hurt him?

BluesPower posted 2/5/2020 13:13 PM

Last time i asked her to stop this is what she said:
He has done so much for you like going to doctor with me when you could not come from you workplace.

Also he is the only one who has taken us to many trips and we go to his house so many times.

You can not stop talking to someone who has always shown up and helped whenever you needed it.

How would you compare the favor? You hurt him and he can sense what you did to me.

Well you could say that: "well he has been screwing you for the last what, is it two years. He may consider that payment for all of his help"

Robert22205https posted 2/5/2020 14:16 PM

Ask yourself why he is meeting with your wife and/or communicating in private.

If he was a nice guy and wanted to help he wouldn't hide it from his wife.

There is nothing she's discussing with this POS that is appropriate or justified. She should be talking to you. Instead she criticizes you in order to justify her affair

This stops when you stop sharing her with the OM. When you insist she go 100% NC or you will divorce her. She will not stop unless the believes you will divorce her.

Do not argue about proof. Just repeat that you will not share your wife or marriage with another man.

Robert22205https posted 2/5/2020 14:24 PM

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife's private/secret meetings is a big fail.

She has destroyed your trust and she must either rebuild trust (starting with NC) or you will divorce.

Be strong and decisive. Without warning expose to the family which will force the OM to choose his own family & kids or your wife.

Follow her when they meet in the minivan. Give them 20 minutes then knock on the window.


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