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Wife in emotional relation with another men, what to do?

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HellFire posted 2/5/2020 15:01 PM

BluesPower FTW!

ShutterHappy posted 2/5/2020 15:08 PM

Canadien,

This is what is happening to you: your WW started talking to another man, and first became friend with him. Eventually she fell in love with him.

She is now a cheater. Cheaters are not seen very favorably by society. So they will rewrite marital history. They go back in time, and the marriage suddenly becomes awful all those years past. Saying that makes them feel better about themselves and they donít have to be the bad guy. Of course, itís all gobbledigook.

ę†My marriage is not good, my spouse and my AP spouse (OBS) is terrible, no wonder I fall in love with my AP, itís all my spouse fault and the OBS fault. It canít be me. Iím the good guy in this story. See what you made me do?†Ľ

Sounds familiar?

I can assure you they all say or think that. Itís so common, itís not even funny.

And because we, betrayed spouse, are so in love with our cheater, we believe them.

You are in love with your WW and she is hurting you. Itís so hard to make sense of it, you could believe anything...

But donít be fooled. None of that thinking is true. Cheaters cheat because they are selfish, they enjoy the attention. They enjoy having a spouse around and someone else that gives them attention. It hurts us so much, but they just donít care.

She believes that its her right to make emotional connection with anybody; she has a narcissist personality.

There! I fixed your typo The truth is that well adjusted adults donít make emotional connections with everybody. People like you and I have boundaries. I can assure you that I would never dream of calling another manís wife in the middle of the night, using snapchat, while hiding all this from my wife.
But your narcissistic WW believes she has the right to do whatever she wants

Cheaters will also lie. And they will lie. And you know what else they do? They lie. You shouldnít believe one word of what your WW says because sheís a cheater.

Cheaters minimize and they gas light. When your WW says ę†prove it†Ľ, she is gas lighting you. She makes you doubt what your eyes, your ears and your gut feeling is telling you.

So what can you do?

Refuse to get abused anymore. No more!

Tell her this:

I refuse to be married to a woman who roots for another man. You are free to date whoever you want but not as my wife. As you continue to date this OM, I will meet with a lawyer and take the necessary steps to get out of infidelity.†

Then walk away. Thereís no need for you to listen to whatever excuse, lie, or whatever else response she will have to the above statement at this point..

At this point... she will still think she can continue to gas light you while having a husband and a BF. She will think you are bluffing and that she can continue to abuse you and you will do nothing but saying words.

Thatís why you walk away. Do the 180. Sleep in a separate room. Stop talking to her. Donít do anything for her. You are no longer her husband. You are getting out of infidelity remember? Just focus on your kids.

you also take an appointment with a lawyer and start the divorce process. She is having an EA (probably a PA but it doesnít matter at this point), she is hurting you badly and thatís enough reason, enough ę†proof†Ľ for you to get out of this situation and stop getting hurt, and start the D process.

If your WW stops all communications with her AP and says she will do anything to save the marriage, and if you are interested in R at that point, let us know, you can stop the D process and weíll tell you how R is supposed to be.

But for now, stop getting abused, get out of infidelity and start the D process.

PassThis posted 2/5/2020 15:19 PM

Canadien,

"Proof" is whatever you feel is sufficient and reliable to make your decision. You do not have to justify your decision to her. If she disputes your "proof," SHE needs to prove to YOU that "it is not what it looks like." NOT the other way around.

Canadien posted 2/5/2020 16:07 PM

Hardest part for me is that she really attacks my confidence by highlighting all my previous faults, and i keep telling her that we do not live in the past but she does not accept that concept.


She thinks the third guy is the best thing ever to happen to her, and his knowledge understanding is sometging no one else can rival; she is always praising him, and when i mention something negative than all hell breaks lose; he has some kind of hold ln her and i can not make what it is.

When she talks to him it seems like she is talking to a long lost lover, while it gets very aggresive very fast with me.

He says he is trying to make her better; so, they get me to give all my complaints and she says that he is guiding her to become a better person.

She called me dump the other day for not seeing that is so obvious.

How would you guys counter a negative interaction? She knows my trigger points and she makes them to see me erupt in angerness, she hits herself and me too.

She loses her temperment really fast and her instinct is to hit herself or hit me if i am saying something that she does not like.

[This message edited by Canadien at 4:11 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

Robert22205https posted 2/5/2020 16:15 PM

This is not a contest about who can argue better or more nasty.

Stop arguing with her and stop asking her whether she wants to be married.

Your message should be: I will not share you with another man. It stops immediately (100% NC) or I will divorce you. It's non negotiable.

When she attacks, criticizes you or justifies her behavior say: I'm sorry you feel that way but ... (and repeat your message over and over).

If she hits herself or you, call the police. Carry a VAR on yourself and record this crap.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:16 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

whatIknowNow posted 2/5/2020 16:20 PM

She called me dump the other day for not seeing that is so obvious

I'm sure you are familiar with the term "flogging a dead horse".

Any attempt you make at trying to continue this relationship is exactly that. She is gone.

Marz posted 2/5/2020 16:21 PM

How would you guys counter a negative interaction? She knows my trigger points and she makes them to see me erupt in angerness, she hits herself and me too.

This is nothing new. All cheaters do this. Itís a marital rewrite to justify her affair.

You still donít get it. An affair is wonderful and trumps marriage, family and spouse.

You canít win this. You are trying to apply logic to the illogical.

Youíre still wallowing in this because youíre in denial. Until you wake up all youíll get is more of the same.

No one can help you. The Calvary isnít coming.

You need to wake up

NoOptTo posted 2/5/2020 16:22 PM

You keep saying that if you tell people, she will make things difficult for you. Lets look at this practically. What can she do? Spend the family funds on her AP? Berate you more then she already is? Move out taking your DD? Spread false rumors about you? Make a false DV,domestic violence charge on you?....

Well, you need to start covering your bases. First, see a lawyer and learn your rights. What D, divorce looks like. Not that you have to pursue it til you need to. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. She already is gaslighting and blameshifting you. So she starts insulting you more or possibly calling the police and making a false DV,domestic violence charge against you.... DO NOT SCOFF AT THIS... IT HAPPENS MORE THEN YOU KNOW. You do need a VAR, voice activated recorder on you at all times to protect yourself. And start documenting all of her behaviors. You need to begin to build your case if she wants to throw you out of the family house, though unlikely since it's your joint family house. Dont put it by her. This leads to her trying to up and move out with no warning, taking your DD with her. You need to know the maximum distance she is allowed to move away as to allow suitable visitation for you. In my state, that is 100 miles.

I hope you've been monitoring your family bank accounts to track her spending. Is she buying things for her AP? Added lunches out with him? Possible hotel charge? Any excess spending or cash withdrawals? These are family funds, not her play funds. Look at your credit card charges. Get your credit monitored. Possibly cancel any joint credit cards if she refuses to end things with AP.

It's time to begin valuing yourself. As a person. As a husband. As a father. You have allowed her to put you as plan B. You give her stability to live with a family. And she gets to do her emotional if not physical thrills with someone else. Time to take YOUR life back. Stand up for yourself. Dont hide behind, for better or for worse. Life is too short to allow yourself to be emotionally abused. Begin showing your DD that actions have consequences. And one needs to keep ones dignity and self respect.

I have rambled on now, but I hope.you get my point. Now is time to get your ducks in a row. Be the one who acts and stop reacting. This is your life. Take charge of your life.

DoinBettr posted 2/5/2020 16:34 PM

If you want to control the situation without getting angry, restrict yourself to simply questions.
She asks: Why are you doing this?
You: Why do you continue to treat me worse than this other man? Is he your new husband? But isn't he married? Interesting.

If she really gets into your face ask, "I wonder if he is better than me at everything is that include sex too? You would know." Then shrug.

See, how you stick to questions, you force her to be the offensive one. Maybe burn yourself out emotionally first, then confront her. It will give you an, "I don't care, I am leaving you unless you become a better wife." attitude.

Good luck.

PassThis posted 2/5/2020 17:24 PM

Canadien,

You should just tell your wife that YOU are not happy in your marriage and that you are considering divorce. The "why" is that you just don't see enough room in the marriage for three people. You would consider continuing the marriage if you could feel safe that you become happy, but that based upon the current situation with her boyfriend, that you don't see that happening. You can do better than her and the situation that she has put you in, and you should have the opportunity to find someone who is as enamored with you, as she is with her boyfriend.

It is actually about her, but if you present it as about you, she will not be in a position to deny the truthfulness of your reasoning and the legitimacy of your position. She can't dictate that you be happy, however, she can stop doing actions that cause your unhappiness.

If she is unwilling to put you before her boyfriend, you will be much better off finding someone else for you. She is not for you (at least at this time).

steadychevy posted 2/5/2020 17:40 PM

You are afraid to disclose because you have a highly respected family. Then you say the OBS (the other wife) talks to family gatherings about being unhappy about all the "chatting" your WW and her WH are doing. Then you say her mother was upset about the amount of time her daughter, your WW, was spending communicating with her AP.

Who doesn't already know that something is fishy in either side of the family? There are already undercurrents at the least.

Why do you want to be the third wheel in your own marriage? Good thing you look after your child so she has some freedom.

You are being fed BS. It has already gone physical. You've tracked her phone to where he works. You apparently have a van that the seats fold down in. It's nice you drive them around so they can hold hands right in front of you (well, behind you, actually) and whisper sweet nothings you can't hear. Phone calls you can't hear.

You are being used and abused. Take action, man. If you're afraid off taking action because she will leave you then what did you have anyway. You are a convenience and you are being terribly gaslit and manipulated by both of them.

Listen to what advice you've been given here. Take action.

Canadien posted 2/5/2020 17:42 PM

Biggest problem for me is that she really thinks that this is not an cheating; even when we were going for couples councelling she was very aggresive in putting that point forward and almost walked out few times from the meeting at that time when i mentioned third party name.

There must be a way to make her see whats reality; she loses her mind when i mention to her that she might be having an affair.

For now, she just says that i give her too much stress and life is difficult because how i am reacting to him.

Initially when i first told her about cheating she said that u are jealous because he has two houses and magnet personality and so many friends around him you can not compete with him.

Then she said that maybe some friend is telling me all this thing, after came my idol krishnamurti and if this was not enough she blamed the books i was reading.

All along i am telling her what i see but its almost like talking to the wall, and i can not get through to her.

DragnHeart posted 2/5/2020 17:48 PM

No. You cant get through to her.

Accept that she isn't going to change.

You can only control and change YOU.
So are you going to continue this way trying futility to change her when it cant be done or are you going to move forward with your life the way you want it to be?

PassThis posted 2/5/2020 18:19 PM

All along i am telling her what i see but its almost like talking to the wall, and i can not get through to her.

She gets it, she is gaslighting you. Deny and lie, that is what cheaters do.

You do not need "to get through to her." You only need to declare that you are not going to be in a three-way marriage. That is your decision, not hers. She is not in control of you and your situation. You are.

Anyone in a "highly respected family" should not have any fear of repercussions if they divorce a spouse for her prioritization of another man. IMHO, that would give support and justify the description of "highly respected."

The next time she breaks out the encyclopedia of how good and accomplished at everything her boyfriend is, you should consider asking her if he is more romantic than you, and better in bed as well. Do not speak until she answers. If she doesn't immediately, without hesitation to think, answer "I don't know," you have caught her by her own words. Your reply can be something like: "Your answer tells me everything I need to know." I don't think that this is an inappropriate question given the time/effort that they are both putting into their emotional/physical? affair.

ShutterHappy posted 2/5/2020 18:40 PM

Biggest problem for me is that she really thinks that this is not an cheating;

Doesnít matter what she thinks is cheating or not. Stop getting abused. Get out of infidelity.

There must be a way to make her see whats reality

File for divorce.

Everybody in here have been through infidelity. You have 4 pages of answers. We all say the same thing. You have your answers, you just have to read them.

josiep posted 2/5/2020 18:52 PM

Divorce is out of question as we come from very respected family

Respected why? Perhaps honesty should be valued more than a false reputation. Otherwise, how much meaning does your life have?

Robert22205https posted 2/5/2020 19:24 PM

...she really thinks that this is not an cheating; even when we were going for couples councelling she was very aggresive in putting that point forward and almost walked out few times from the meeting at that time when i mentioned third party name.

You and her marriage should be a priority - not the other man. Whether it's an EA or PA, she is not acting like a wife to you.

She views your passive, rational and loving behavior as a weakness she can exploit by being defensive, getting angry (acting insulted), and criticizing and blaming you.

Stop arguing she'll never agree or see your point of view because she wants to maintain her private/secret emotional connection to the OM.

J707 posted 2/5/2020 19:41 PM

Canadien,
This is what is happening to you: your WW started talking to another man, and first became friend with him. Eventually she fell in love with him.

She is now a cheater. Cheaters are not seen very favorably by society. So they will rewrite marital history. They go back in time, and the marriage suddenly becomes awful all those years past. Saying that makes them feel better about themselves and they donít have to be the bad guy. Of course, itís all gobbledigook.

ę My marriage is not good, my spouse and my AP spouse (OBS) is terrible, no wonder I fall in love with my AP, itís all my spouse fault and the OBS fault. It canít be me. Iím the good guy in this story. See what you made me do? Ľ

Sounds familiar?

I can assure you they all say or think that. Itís so common, itís not even funny.

And because we, betrayed spouse, are so in love with our cheater, we believe them.

You are in love with your WW and she is hurting you. Itís so hard to make sense of it, you could believe anything...

But donít be fooled. None of that thinking is true. Cheaters cheat because they are selfish, they enjoy the attention. They enjoy having a spouse around and someone else that gives them attention. It hurts us so much, but they just donít care.

She believes that its her right to make emotional connection with anybody; she has a narcissist personality.
There! I fixed your typo The truth is that well adjusted adults donít make emotional connections with everybody. People like you and I have boundaries. I can assure you that I would never dream of calling another manís wife in the middle of the night, using snapchat, while hiding all this from my wife.
But your narcissistic WW believes she has the right to do whatever she wants

Cheaters will also lie. And they will lie. And you know what else they do? They lie. You shouldnít believe one word of what your WW says because sheís a cheater.

Cheaters minimize and they gas light. When your WW says ę prove it Ľ, she is gas lighting you. She makes you doubt what your eyes, your ears and your gut feeling is telling you.

So what can you do?

Refuse to get abused anymore. No more!

Tell her this:

I refuse to be married to a woman who roots for another man. You are free to date whoever you want but not as my wife. As you continue to date this OM, I will meet with a lawyer and take the necessary steps to get out of infidelity.

Then walk away. Thereís no need for you to listen to whatever excuse, lie, or whatever else response she will have to the above statement at this point..

At this point... she will still think she can continue to gas light you while having a husband and a BF. She will think you are bluffing and that she can continue to abuse you and you will do nothing but saying words.

Thatís why you walk away. Do the 180. Sleep in a separate room. Stop talking to her. Donít do anything for her. You are no longer her husband. You are getting out of infidelity remember? Just focus on your kids.

you also take an appointment with a lawyer and start the divorce process. She is having an EA (probably a PA but it doesnít matter at this point), she is hurting you badly and thatís enough reason, enough ę proof Ľ for you to get out of this situation and stop getting hurt, and start the D process.

If your WW stops all communications with her AP and says she will do anything to save the marriage, and if you are interested in R at that point, let us know, you can stop the D process and weíll tell you how R is supposed to be.

But for now, stop getting abused, get out of infidelity and start the D process.

This! Read it over and over, sound familiar? Very typical cheater behavior. You need to wake up. You are getting narcissistic abuse. You need to go see an attorney and start the divorce process. If that doesn't wake her up, nothing will.

Marz posted 2/5/2020 21:30 PM

Biggest problem for me is that she really thinks that this is not an cheating; even when we were going for couples councelling she was very aggresive in putting that point forward and almost walked out few times from the meeting at that time when i mentioned third party name.

Thatís because youíve given her control of the narrative.

Why do you care what she says-thinks? You are way to subservient to her.

Yet she doesnít want it to get out?

Seems like you are your biggest problem here.

OwningItNow posted 2/5/2020 22:50 PM

You can't make her agree with you. Or stop. All you can do is refuse to let someone treat you badly by choosing time with another man over time with you. If she chooses divorce instead of doing what you want, there is nothing you can do.

If you don't stand up for yourself though, you will become psychologically and emotionally unwell.

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