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Wife in emotional relation with another men, what to do?

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vampyre75 posted 2/5/2020 23:22 PM

To begin with, your wife doesn't get to decide how you feel about her behaviour. If her behaviour violates your values, and boundaries, and you view it as cheating, she doesn't get to decide it isn't.
Affairs thrive in the darkness, that's why your wife is scare mongering you into not telling anyone. She probably knows that once her affair is brought into the light, and everyone knows, especially the OBS, that she will have to end it.
At this point in time, you really have only two options, accept what's going on, and shut up about it, or take everyone's advice and start getting yourself out of infidelity, whether that's with, or without her.
At the moment, you ate just establishing yourself as a doormat, and you look weak in her eyes, all the while making him look like a strong alpha male.
Lastly, you don't owe him shit. You stopped owing him anything the minute he inserted himself into your marriage.

skerzoid posted 2/6/2020 01:04 AM

Canadien

For you to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it, & she has to believe it.

You say that divorce is out of the question. That means that you have no recourse and she has no boundaries.

You make excuses for why you cannot take action but ask everyone what you should do.

Since when is divorce not recourse to an adulterous wife?

You say she laid in the back of the van holding hands with him while you sat in the next seat. You did nothing. That is an incredibly weak response. She cannot respect you.

Here is a plan of action. You either do it or just become accustomed to your misery.

1. Visit a lawyer. You have every right to divorce her. You can call it off if she gets her head out of her ass.

2. Start using the 180 technique like a religion. Google “The 180 for hurt spouses”.

3. Stop trying to nice her back. That is called “the pick-me-dance”. It never works and makes you look pathetic.

4. Read “No More Mr. Nice Guy" - PDF. It's free as a PDF file. Google it.

5. You are co-dependent as hell. Look that up and take action to stop doing that.

6. Tell everybody including his wife what is going on. Affairs thrive in secrecy.

7. Women respect Strength, Courage, & Decisive Action. So far you have shown none of that. Become that man!!

[This message edited by skerzoid at 1:06 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

SnowToArmPits posted 2/6/2020 02:05 AM

She thinks the third guy is the best thing ever to happen to her, and his knowledge understanding is sometging no one else can rival; she is always praising him, and when i mention something negative than all hell breaks lose; he has some kind of hold ln her and i can not make what it is.

When she talks to him it seems like she is talking to a long lost lover, while it gets very aggresive very fast with me.


Why are you putting up with this shit?

She's dancing circles around you mate. Sounds like she's happy as a clam right now. You don't like it - up to you to do something about it.

Think hard about divorce.

The1stWife posted 2/6/2020 03:53 AM

Stop letting her control the situation.

Stop asking questions and start making demands that she chooses you or him. And if she chooses you then she ends all contact with him. Immediately.

If she hesitates or won’t answer or “wants to think about it” or laughs in your face, then you have your answer. Your marriage is over and she no longer respects you unfortunately.

I can tell you that when I finally stood up to my H and told him our marriage was over due to his continued cheating, it was not a discussion. It was 3 sentences stated calmly and rationally. I then left the room. I was no longer playing his game.

He very quickly learned who was now in control. And it wasn’t him. And it was not open for negotiation or discussion. My way or the highway. And he knew it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:57 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

OwningItNow posted 2/6/2020 04:30 AM

She thinks the third guy is the best thing ever to happen to her,

Cheaters usually do not want to replace their spouse and life, they want more besides their spouse and life. That is why we call them cake eaters, keeping the meat and potatoes of their life as normal and adding lots of cake for dessert. It is only when they have their meal taken away, leaving them to survive on nothing but cake, that they have their lightbulb moment and break out of their bizarre cheating fog, the one where they believe they are entitled to a spouse and a side piece.

Stop letting her eat cake. She is not allowed to have a side piece, right? Because right now she thinks she can have you both. She honestly thinks that. You have only two choices: tell her to move out if she wants to have a boyfriend or get used to her having a boyfriend. Those are your only two options. I'm sorry.

Canadien posted 2/6/2020 05:44 AM

So, yesterday i confronted her about why she keeps meeting hkm, at this time she was picking me up from my work probaby after meeting him.

She does not come in the home after i tell her that i do not approve of her behavior; then she calls me and tells me that she might jump from the bridge if i keep bothering her like this.

I also noticed that she unplugged the GPS tracker today, i have not said anything about that.

Then she starts comparing her relationship to my colleagues at work and how my brother is the favorite for my mom; she says that you can build emotional connection with anyone.

She says that she will do suiside if i tell her parents; and she says she will now not meet him but torment me.

She then mentions why i did not ask the third guy to help setup decoration for the baby birthday party and he is angry because of that.

She says they are not including me in their meeting because of how i do not call him anymore, and how i am judging her.

She said that she will lie and torment me more and nothing i can do about it.

dblackstar2002 posted 2/6/2020 05:54 AM

I really hate to say It this way, Sorry if I offend. But you know what you must do. This is no longer a marriage. You wife just basically took you hostage. What you just posted it a threat. No other way to look at it. This is not how someone should treat anyone they love. I think you know what you should do here.....

PassThis posted 2/6/2020 07:13 AM

Canadien,

Above all else, you need to get psychiatric help for your wife. Call the suicide hotline and get their advice/involvement. Do what they say, if it differs from what is posted on this site, do what the medical experts say. You do not want to mess around with this situation.

She may need to be put under a suicide watch. If she is just being theatrical, they will determine that. I would not take it upon myself to take the chance that she is just bluffing.

After, she has received psychiatric support, then you might read the rest of this post. Anything I write below should be ignored if it conflicts with medical/psychiatric indications.

So, yesterday i confronted her about why she keeps meeting him, at this time she was picking me up from my work probably after meeting him.

This is exactly what you should have done. You we absolutely right to confront her about her inappropriate behavior.

She does not come in the home after i tell her that i do not approve of her behavior; then she calls me and tells me that she might jump from the bridge if i keep bothering her like this.

She has now gone off the deep end. You have done nothing wrong. Your actions, as posted, have been reasonable and not threatening her. As dblackstar2002 posted, she is taking you hostage and demanding that you behave. She wants you to be a slave to her wishes or else! I think she senses that you are at the end of your rope with respect to her behavior and she is left with this theatrical, frantic, and manipulative threat. First, you should tell her mother/family that she has expressed suicidal thoughts, that you a very concerned, and that her mother should get her medical help. You can not help her as she sees you as the source of her distress. You are not, but you need to separate from her to get away from her manipulation and to prevent her from tormenting you. You should get a voice activated recorder and carry it with you at all times when you are with her. She may falsely accuse you of abuse and you need to protect yourself from lies and accusations. Her actions and situation with her boyfriend must be disclosed to everyone so that she can get the psychiatric help and support that she needs.

Then she starts comparing her relationship to my colleagues at work and how my brother is the favorite for my mom; she says that you can build emotional connection with anyone.

You do not prioritize your colleagues over her and your marriage. She is gas lighting. No, you CAN NOT build emotional connections with anyone. She is WRONG and her actions are betraying the marriage. She is in an emotional affair. There is no need to argue with her, she cannot reason. She needs medical/psychiatric help. Saying that your brother is your mom's favorite is just being cruel.

She says that she will do suiside if i tell her parents; and she says she will now not meet him but torment me.

Anyone who says that they will continue to betray you and torment you is toxic. She should go stay with her mother, or other family, or make some other arrangements until she fixes herself and you recover from her abuse and manipulation.

She is threatening you. That is unacceptable. Have her mother arrange for psychiatric assistance. Follow the 180 protocol and disengage from her. Tell her that since you seem to be the source of her distress, that you need to remove yourself from the situation and her presence.

She then mentions why i did not ask the third guy to help setup decoration for the baby birthday party and he is angry because of that.

This is just crazy. Her boyfriend is jealous that he was not equal to you in the birthday party arrangements! This is crazy. She is crazy. (not medical/psychiatric diagnoses, but she is just totally unreasonable.) This is very odd that the boyfriend would be so jealous of his exclusion from the decoration for baby birthday party. Why is he so attached to the baby? Maybe you should consider having the baby DNA tested. I hope that I am over-reacting, but this behavior is way beyond reasonable. I realize I have very limited information on which to suggest this action, but from your previous post.

he guides her on how to best take care of baby related issues.

She says they are not including me in their meeting because of how i do not call him anymore, and how i am judging her.

She is betraying the marriage, and going behind your back to meet with her boyfriend. The is pure blackmail and you should not tolerate this treatment.

She said that she will lie and torment me more and nothing i can do about it.

You can do something about it. She may be having a mental breakdown. Seek professional help for her and yourself. Bring her family and your family up to speed with the developments so that everyone can see to it that she gets help and support. You need to follow the psychiatric experts guidance, but try to separate from her by using the 180 protocol. She is toxic to you.

I am not a medical/psychiatric expert. Do not rely upon anything I post if it conflicts with the experts' advice.

[This message edited by PassThis at 7:30 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Canadien posted 2/6/2020 08:19 AM

She started to message again in the mornning after another confrontation.

I'm not going after another man.. everything is just in your mind and that's what going to create a trouble between us
It's all your assumption and and imagination and all.. that's how u r going to lose me
Whatever your eyes want to see,, that's what y r gonna see
You*
U see I'm so much in depression these days.. u day all things and stuff and u get rid of your frustration,,, what about me,, u go to harsh too..
I'm not going to anybody anymore to take out my frustration,, I'm just dying inside
U say*

If I start sharing again then u r not even gonna see me or the third person by your side

I only see u r trying to find flaws in him..
Just see ur behavior with me how u r abusing me
I dont care abt it
I'm gonna live my life under u now..i will always be scared and worried staying with you.
I won't do anything that hurt u or say anything that hurt u
I will die keeping everything within me
U should see yourself how aggressive u get with me.. I m not even losing my temper or going wild with u like before

[This message edited by Canadien at 8:21 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

HellFire posted 2/6/2020 08:42 AM

I assume you're Canadian? Do you live in Canada?

I don't know what the laws are where you live. But in the USA, when someone threatens suicide, you should call 911. They will get her help,if she needs it. It will also put an end to her using suicide to manipulate you, which I highly suspect is exactly what she is doing.

We also resomend you get a voice activated recorder,and keep it on you at all times, when you are dealing with a WW such as yours.

You say you come from a respectable family. But she is being so very disrespectful. She is being abusive.

You need to file for divorce. She is openly saying she hates you. You do not tell someone you love, that you are going to torment them.

Consider this. If she is doing nothing wrong, why would she say she will commit suicide if you tell her family? She knows she is a serial cheater. She knows exactly what she is doing.

sewardak posted 2/6/2020 08:43 AM

OMG file for divorce. What blatant manipulation.
And go NC with her. Block her number.

steadychevy posted 2/6/2020 09:14 AM

Get a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) today. Keep it on you at all times. Get another one and place it in her car discretely. Get ones that don't make any noise when they start recording.

Get a VAR and keep it on your person for your own protection TODAY.

PassThis posted 2/6/2020 09:15 AM

Canadien,

I'm not going after another man.. everything is just in your mind and that's what going to create a trouble between us

Perfect example of gaslighting. "Everything is just in your mind." No it is not. It is in her behavior as she prioritizes her boyfriend, who she has put on a pedestal and worships. She is devoted to him, not to you. Please stay firm that you are unhappy with the situation and will not stay in infidelity (even if it is only an EA). By the way, if it happens to be only an EA, it is the most egregious EA that I can recall.

It's all your assumption and and imagination and all.. that's how u r going to lose me
Whatever your eyes want to see,, that's what y r gonna see
You*

Just plain gas lighting and blame shifting.

U see I'm so much in depression these days.. u day all things and stuff and u get rid of your frustration,,, what about me,, u go to harsh too..
I'm not going to anybody anymore to take out my frustration,, I'm just dying inside
U say*

More indications that she may have mental problems, not just selfishness and lack of morals.

If I start sharing again then u r not even gonna see me or the third person by your side

Another threat. Threats are hollow if your position is that you will not stay in an intolerable situation. She has already left the marriage. Another threat to leave is hollow.


I only see u r trying to find flaws in him..
Just see ur behavior with me how u r abusing me
I dont care abt it
I'm gonna live my life under u now..i will always be scared and worried staying with you.
I won't do anything that hurt u or say anything that hurt u
I will die keeping everything within me
U should see yourself how aggressive u get with me.. I m not even losing my temper or going wild with u like before

Just threats and accusations. You should tell her that she is free to go to her lover (if he will take her and leave his wife and children). You can not control her, but she is trying her best to control you. She provides more reason for you to carry a voice activated recorder (VCR) for your protection. She is threatening again and accusing you of abuse and aggression. She is continuing to provide evidence that she might be mentally unstable.

Please get away from her. She is living in your family's home. Ask her to go stay with her mother, or a friend, even her boyfriend (if his wife doesn't object), or make other arrangements.

With her suicidal threats and her other issues, think about getting 100% custody of your baby until she fixes herself. Your baby should be not be anywhere in the presence of her boyfriend. There should be NO CONTACT at all. This contact and interest by him all seems very odd and off-base with respect to his significant involvement with the baby.

Unless I am way off-base with my suggestion to DNA test your baby, you should also get yourself tested for STDs. Also request her to do the same (when appropriate if there are mental issues). If boyfriend is a ladies' man, no telling where he has been, or what he may have picked up. This is a legitimate threat to your health.

Attempt to shake your wife out of her limerence and EA "fog". Do that through your strong, but civil, actions and the 180 process. Making sure that she gets the proper medical/pychiatric care will also serve to disclose your situation to everyone. That is good for her health and for you and your baby to resolve this horrible, intolerable situation.

She is acting like a petulant child and is clearly irrational (mental issues?). Do not argue with her as it would serve no purpose and will impede your progress to getting out of infidelity. You should not argue with a crazy (colloquial) person, because bystanders will not be able to determine which one of you is the crazy one.

Again, CALL THE SUICIDE HOTLINE. Let her explain to them whether or not she was just trying to manipulate you, whether she needs to be put on a watch, or otherwise.

Marz posted 2/6/2020 09:18 AM

Stop holding yourself hostage.

No one can do that but you.

Canadien posted 2/6/2020 09:19 AM

This are my messages to her, i am trying to make her understand something..

Well the emotional connection with another men that u think is normal; just watch some videos to see what it means to have emotional connection outside marriage; all your loyalty and inner thoughts are his property now.

U will not share anything now because he can guide and advice u ragarding any important decision, i became the door mat or a hanger.

This is a new form of cheating in 21st century; old map and ideas about sexual affairs are no longer valid.

Its how much u feel for the other person; and i hsve been seeing noticeable change in u consistently;

Tell me why u can not see any fault in him and only greatness; everyone have faults and weaknesses but u choose to see past that and worse of all u defend him.

When i said we have to get his wife get along with him, he hesitated and said he can not help her and u agreed with him.

Well thats the thing i see what u show me; in normal marriage the husband and wife talk through their differences.

Do you think we can not have an intelligent and pelight conversation without third person between us.

Why does he even matter; we needed outside company to simply do some activity and fun with; why do u have to emotionslly attached to him.

Why u think i start reading all this self help books about self improvement; i need to learn to help myself first before i can see anything clearly.
I need to learn to stand on my feet and accept all my faults and weaknesses before i start to solve any of my triggers or things that mske me mad.

How does helping u help him? He is still distant to his wife and children the most important thing in his life, so at times i geel selfish asking him for help as i encourage him to ignore his family further and i become the problem for him while he is solving my problem.
his wife is his responsibility as u are mine, and until we come to this determination the problems will persist.

No matter how much angerness or resentment is left within his wife that is still his wife and his responsibility to bring her to the other side; helping us does not help him solve his problem.
He can not say that he has given up on his marriage; and u can not allow him to say that either that simply enables him; we enable bad behavior and that is our responsibility.

As you say he is very knowledgeable and has great wisdom; if that is correct then why does he deviate and lose his focus. We all have our issues and problem in life, its just matter of what we think is our issue vs others.

Why can you not see me fighting for you? I saw danger and i made you aware, yet it was the best thing for you ever and i was taking it away from you.

Why u only see negative in me?


How do i make her see that i am trying to solve her problem; and i am not her enemy.

[This message edited by Canadien at 9:40 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

DragnHeart posted 2/6/2020 09:24 AM

Please Stop this.

You cannot get through to her.

Read that again. YOU CANNOT GET THROUGH TO HER.

also you may want to remove the names you wrote.

HellFire posted 2/6/2020 09:29 AM

We talked about Wayward fog, but there is also such a thing as a betrayed fog. And man, you are in it.

Look, she knows she is cheating. She gets it. She understands exactly what she is doing. YOU need to understand that she knows. Just because she denies it, doesn't make it true. You know she's a liar. And she is lying to you. You need to understand that. You cannot make her get it. Because she gets it. She does not care. You keep saying that you need to make her understand, well we are trying to make YOU understand that she knows exactly what she is doing. She knows she is a cheater.


You say you are from a respectable family. Then start acting like it. Put and end to this abuse. You need to stand up for your family, and cut her loose.

PassThis posted 2/6/2020 09:31 AM

Canadien,

What you have communicated to her is all good and true. However, you must be careful not to fall into the trap of the "Pick Me" dance. You can not compete with her fantasy image of the boyfriend. You should not even try. She will not pick you over her fantasy. You must disengage from her and let her fix herself. She has tuned you out and I don't believe that she will listen, much less consider, your arguments. Please research the "Pick Me dance" on this site and on Google to understand what I mean.

If you call the suicide hot line (as you should), they may determine that her threats are merely manipulative and castigate her for you. If she does have suicidal thoughts, they will care for her. There is no downside for calling them.

Canadien posted 2/6/2020 09:47 AM

For moving forward how can i confirm if she is moving forward without contacting him? Because the moment i ask about him,she holds me hostage so i do not wish to go through this conversation again; how do i make her accountable?

He has always lied to his wife by saying that he is working overtime or going to gym whenever he meets my wife; and i do not wish for me to have the same fate; i want to be able to trust my wife.

DragnHeart posted 2/6/2020 09:58 AM

Hire a PI to get hard proof of their meeting and then give that proof to his wife.

Next time she says anything about wanting to die, suicide you call emergency services immediately. Period!

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