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Impaired decision making

Somber posted 2/12/2020 12:13 PM

I am feeling so useless and rather stupid lately. I canít decide what to wear or where to go or what to do. Small decisions are just as difficult right now as hard ones.

I am wasting so much time feeling like a zombie. I am off today and like most days off recently, I accomplish nothing. It makes me so angry at myself. I have things to do, appointments to make, etc. I do none of it. I get dressed, get the kids to school, go for a walk and then forget everything else that requires doing and carry on in a zombie like state. I was out shopping, bought nothing and the very thing I needed (Valentines for my kids) I forgot. Now I am home trying to gain the mental energy to go back out.

I think I am so stuck in my head that I canít function clearly. I am really fighting the urge to slip back into denial as things are predictable and comfortable there. I am forcing myself to face reality which is a failed marriage due to multiple infidelities followed by little remorse or empathy. The love, trust and respect are gone. The marriage is essentially over.

The manipulations, blame shifting and use of my kids to pull me back in will continue. I donít know how strong I am to deal with it.

I believe and then I also doubt naming my experience as: emotional abuse, trauma bonded, codependent, betrayal trauma, etc. I have researched and led myself to believe my spouse could be NPD and then within the same few days I feel great guilt and shame thinking that way as his behaviour will show the opposite...yet it has also showed NPD traits as well.
Who am I to put that label on someone...and yes I have fallen with great empathy to his victim hood time and time again...thatís always a hard one to overcome.

I do know that any push for separation is going to be crazy making but how do I go back to denial and rugsweeping when through IC and this site I have started to see clearer. I note how much this is affecting my mental health. I now also believe my 6&8 year old would benefit much more in life with a happier healthier Mom...just how the hell do I get there?!

ohsospecial posted 2/12/2020 12:22 PM

Somber, Iím afraid I donít really have any advice for you, as Iím still trying to figure out exactly what Iím dealing with.

But, I want you to know Iím thinking about you, and hoping that, as hard as truth is, that your life will be more authentic because you know the truth. I hope you are still in IC. I have my IC appointment today...

You are being so strong for your children. That would seem to be enough for now. Many hugs.

EllieKMAS posted 2/12/2020 12:29 PM

just how the hell do I get there?!
Same way you get anywhere else. One step and then another step and then one more. They don't even have to be big steps - baby ones will do just fine.

I remember that in the early days, and truth be told still struggle with it even now - 15 mos post dday and 2 mos post D. I still have days that my major accomplishment is that I am upright and wearing pants. Be kind to yourself.

One thing that helped me (and that I need to get back in the habit of doing, so I'm glad you reminded me), was to make a to-do list. Make it of allll the things. Then cut each thing out, ball them up, and thrown them into a bowl. I did that and each day I would take one thing out of the bowl and do it. Eventually that bowl was empty. That helped me a lot because I could see "instant" results.

(((somber)))

ShatteredSakura posted 2/12/2020 13:00 PM

I am wasting so much time feeling like a zombie. I am off today and like most days off recently, I accomplish nothing. It makes me so angry at myself.

I get this - I get into that state sometimes and I hate wasting my own time.

I've been doing a daily exercise routine to help keep me sober and energetic to deal with my despair. If I didn't I'd probably be a lump wasting all my time. I resolved if I'm going to be home and be a zombie, I might as well start peddling and lifting weights. It is something that is making me quite literally, feel stronger.

Also Ellie's idea for tackling day-to-day stuff you need to get done with kids and family. I do it for work all the time (well minus the arts and crafts, strike through is enough for me)

crazyblindsided posted 2/12/2020 13:10 PM

(((Somber))) yes I feel very much like you. I have days where I will accomplish some things and some days nothing at all and that is ok. Maybe even try to look at it as self-care. Your mind and body need a break.

I believe and then I also doubt naming my experience

^^^ This is what keeps me up at night. My self-doubt is all consuming but I know if I don't keep making steps forward to get out I will get more of the same or worse and this has already taken so much from me including being 100% there for my kids. I want them to see a mom that is happy and they haven't really seen that in a long time.

EllieKMAS posted 2/12/2020 13:34 PM

CBS and Somber - speaking to you both as a daughter that watched her mom struggle with awful relationships while I was growing up... I am beyond glad that my momma has landed in happiness now, and she really has. But growing up I watched her struggle a lot with her marriages/boyfriends.

You know? Even though I watched her struggle, but I also watched her get through anything and everything life ever threw her way. And for the most part she did it with sass and tenacity. And y'all wonder where Ellie gets her KMAS from? I get it from her, who always let me know that struggle was ok and that falling down was ok and that being human was ok. And that we are all perfect in our imperfection. And sometimes shit is just hard. But you keep going. You keep the lessons that the hard times teach you because they make you a better person. And in her case (as in mine, I sincerely hope), they make you a more compassionate and empathetic person, capable of extraordinary amounts of grace. (Momma would be telling me I am full of shit right now, but that is the truth I know about her)

Point I am making - please don't put pressure on yourselves to be "happy" for your kids. Cus the reality is that some days are just shit and a waste of makeup and happy ain't gonna fuckin happen that day. Be real and show your kids that even when it's hard, you don't give up. Even when it's hard, you know it's not forever. And that a hug and a good night's sleep can always help. That is way more important IMHO.

Somber posted 2/12/2020 17:47 PM

Ellie and shattered, thank you for the advice. I appreciate it. It is all helpful. I still do IC but too far between sessions. I like the idea of even a minimal exercise routine, that should help too. I would likely lay there thinking about exercising and waste valuable time I could have actually been productive doing so...one step at a time! I needed to hear that today, thanks.
What you have shared Ellie has been very helpful.

CBS and ohsospecial, hugs to you both as well. If your going through anthill the same my heart goes out to you both!!!

To think my day was wasteful and somber (how fitting) while he went to the gym and met up with a friend-likely smoked weed or had a few drinks, comes home late (not even a question in regard to whether I was able to pick the kids up, just an expectation) like no problems at all...so frustrating. I feel so utterly alone.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/12/2020 19:54 PM

Get one of those "under the desk elliptical"s and peddle while you lay there contemplating!

EmbraceTheChange posted 2/13/2020 19:38 PM

I was like you. Finding out that my husband had been unfaithful (for over a year) was similar to being hit with an iron pan. The day after dday, i took my daughter to college. It's literally 25 mins from home and I got lost. Drove round for 3 hours - I was totally disorientated. Then I started hating my own voice and started hating myself.

The only thing that helped me was resting and get my brain out of the trauma mode (fight/flight) and get the connections back to "normal". I know you feel unproductive, and so did (especially compared to before dday when I had so much energy) but I can see now that I needed a lot of rest. My body had been running on adrenaline and my brain was constantly going over and over and over his affair, to the point that I started forgetting words in mid sentence, and had the shakes (and later nosebleeds).

So I needed to rest. I had also 4 kids at home so I prioritized to get through the day. We ate a lot of pizzas and a lot of cooked chicken from the supermarket. Of course, I hated my husband even more because I went from fully functioning to zoombie, but that was the shit deal I had been dealt with, so I had to find a way to make it work.

Rest. You need it.

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