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8 month update

SumofOne posted 2/14/2020 11:33 AM

I'm not sure why but I have been wanting to update the status of my situation. Maybe to help me stay grounded or to see what I need to see or maybe things are on a good course. I guess general feedback and what to expect next is what I need.

Quick recap, wife was/is a serial cheater. It had always been sexting. Coming off a 5 year healthy period she didn't just fall off the wagon she jumped. 2-3 sexting buddies and one turned physical. I got a ton of 2 x 4's for believing it was not sex and just 1 physical meeting in a parking lot, but that story has never changed, not one detail. The emotional end of things TT for about a month and was always devolving.

Last report, I had given my wife a grade on her efforts. I said a C I think, maybe a B-. She had done a lot of the right things, no social media, access to phone, etc. She just lacked remorse. She lacked the things that I needed to even try and forgive her.

That brings us to the last few months. In as much as I didn't recognize the person she had become during the affair I don't recognize the person she is now. At least once a week she will tear up over things that she did and apologize. She's not an emotional person in that way.This morning (you know valentine's day), she came to me as I was making my coffee, and thanked me for still being in her life, that I knew the truth of all she has ever done and she will never hurt me or our family again. Real tears flowing down her face. Her friend circle has completely changed from wild single/cheater types to married devoted women. Her big social event is a weekly bible study group of the wives of the husbands I work with. If I had to complain about something it would be her communication is still slow. Her AP got married a few weeks back. I knew about it but waited to see how long or if she would tell me she knew (I knew she did because I have access to her phone messages). It took her about a week to tell me.

I feel like she's doing everything right. Being a serial cheater we have been on the road to recovery a time or 2 but this time just feels different. Actually I am quite certain it is different. Having said that I am not so foolish as to believe it won't happen again. A dog bites you enough times you learn to expect it to bite you.

My mental state is a tough one to describe but I am sure most here know what it is without me being able to depict it accurately in words. This cheating is always there, it's not gone away. The other day I woke up and I went 40 minutes without thinking about it and thought how good that was. Most days now, I just push on and ignore how I am feeling, but then I will have 2-3 days where I am hurt or angry and it comes out in conversations with my wife. All the efforts in the world on her part to do the right thing doesn't help. Then after those feeling have passed I feel a tad bit stronger and might go even longer without hitting a down turn. I worried at first that I might feel like not valuing my marriage and decide I might as well cheat too but its the exact opposite. Nothing is going to make me cheat, I am going to embody exactly the things a husband should be in all ways. Not for her or to "save' my marriage but because I want it for myself.

I just worry, will I ever be happy again? Can I ever look at her and think, I am her number 1, her one and only or will I always worry that there is someone else? I thought if she did all the right things that it would fix me, turns out nothing has changed that much in how I feel except a glimmer of hope it might not happen again.

Marz posted 2/14/2020 13:23 PM

Coming off a 5 year healthy period she didn't just fall off the wagon she jumped. 2-3 sexting buddies and one turned physical

Unless she’s in long term IC you probably have a high chance of getting another repeat.

PSTI posted 2/14/2020 13:25 PM

I feel like she's doing everything right. Being a serial cheater we have been on the road to recovery a time or 2 but this time just feels different. Actually I am quite certain it is different. Having said that I am not so foolish as to believe it won't happen again. A dog bites you enough times you learn to expect it to bite you.

May I ask- so if you expect her to cheat again, why do you want to R with her? Doesn't that just leave you open to being hurt and having your trust broken again and again?

I don't understand how you can correlate "doing everything right" with "will probably cheat again". That doesn't compute for me.

[This message edited by PSTI at 1:26 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

Niceguy25 posted 2/14/2020 16:54 PM

It really is all about “TRUST” isn’t it. That and “WHY”, which of course only serves to feed our doubts and thoughts of not “being enough” or failing them somehow. In time we come to realize it’s not us, but them and their lack of something in their lives. No matter who they married or committed to, the result would have, in time, been the same. I don’t feel genuine remorse from my spouse either and TRUTH from her is a joke. To me the bigger question becomes “why have I stayed and why do I still love her?”

sisoon posted 2/15/2020 13:52 PM

I 2nd the proposition that she needs to work with a good IC to change from betrayer to good partner. Some of the Bible's heroes were betrayers....

PassThis posted 2/15/2020 14:18 PM

Last report, I had given my wife a grade on her efforts. I said a C I think, maybe a B-. She had done a lot of the right things, no social media, access to phone, etc. She just lacked remorse. She lacked the things that I needed to even try and forgive her.

Without showing genuine remorse, she doesn't even get a C. She only gets an INC (incomplete, no credit). She needs to find out her "whys" and fix herself. Once she truly finds remorse, then you can start healing the marriage.

Does she miss her AP? Is she grieving her loss upon his marriage? Do you sense regret v remorse?

It seems like she may be on the right path. I hope that she finds out what was(is) broken and you find happiness, one way or another.

Please continue to post your updates. Everyone as SI is rooting for you.

[This message edited by PassThis at 2:21 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]

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