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Afraid of being alone

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Hedwig posted 4/16/2020 16:11 PM

You're right, The1stWife, all that time I was alone. He did not have me as his #1 priority.


Cephastion, I understand how you feel and you've put it to words beautifully, how it still hurts to amputate even if it's to save te rest of the body. I am not so sure that they are not hurting either. From what I gather, my exWBF is hurting now as well. I just think the hurt in his case is different than mine. He is hurting because he lost something that made his life more comfortable. I am hurting because something was taken from me.

Bentandbroken, thank you for the thread suggestion! I had a lot of fun reading it and I will be posting my own "lost it but not missing it" as soon as I feel more like it. Also thank you so much for your kind words on packing up the stuff, I did do it in staged and I'm almost done. It felt so good to me to do it this way.

Ripped62, thank you for the virtual hug! I am doing my best to enjoy my time on my own, I went back to learning Spanish, I reorganized some of my stuff, I did some yoga and meditation, which I will definitely do more. I gave back to friends and the mailman in a small way, I videochat with my friends, family and colleagues. I am really trying.

Today was a hard day, I contacted my exWBG about exchanging our stuff and while the whole conversation was pretty polite and down to business, he told me that he still had some questions for me that he wanted to talk about somewhere in the future, like 'what went wrong you" and "what was going on with you"?
He missed a word in his first question, I don't know if it's "with" or "according to" but it's got my head messed up. I've been ruminating about it all day, while cleaning and reorganizing my house.

I wrote about it in my journal but I'm still so aaarghh. What do you mean "what went wrong"? You were there! We've had so many fights, I've said it a hundred times, you know what went wrong! As if he is in this fog where he is not sure what hit him yet and he needs me to explain it to him as if he's 5.

He asked me if we could talk about it but not right now because it hurts too much and I told him sure, as long as he doesn't ask the questions through text anymore because it's messing with my head. He said he understood. We agreed on exchanging stuff this saturday and I think I'll ask him not to contact me for a month, so I can heal without his freaking stupid questions.


The1stWife posted 4/17/2020 06:53 AM

If you have to explain “what went wrong” after 15 months of trying to reconcile with him - then you are right he doesn’t get it! And never will.

If I were you and to avoid a long drawn out conversation - I would put it in simple terms. You might want to tell him what a jerk he was. But you know He won’t get it.

Put it in terms he can understand. Like “I’m sorry but we have different objectives in life and relationships. This was not going to work”. And then STOP the conversation. Don’t go on and on in some drama fueled discussion trying to make him get it or trying to explain yourself. You did that for 15 months!!

I can tell you I made a mistake in my 20s and dated a serial cheater. I had no idea but his sister in law told me. I ended the relationship immediately. He kept trying to get me back. I finally met him for lunch. Just to put an end to this. I listened to the love bombing routine for 30 minutes. I said nothing. He finally asked me if I had anything to say. All I said was “you should eat your food before it gets cold”. He was so angry he stood up and said something and threw his $ on the table and stormed out. Everyone stared. I continued eating. Said nothing.

The jerk continued to call me for another year. I just hung up on him. He eventually got the message.

The point is you cannot reason with stupid. Just because your XBF now misses you and is sad, doesn’t mean he will change or understand your feelings or point of view or your values. Don’t be misled by his intentions. It’s about him right now - not you (unfortunately).

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:15 AM, April 17th (Friday)]

Hedwig posted 4/17/2020 11:09 AM

I totally agree. I feel like he's manipulating me.

I am not planning on letting him convince me of him being capable of change or that we should work it out. I am working my ass off to remove him from my life, root and all. I keep saying 15 months but it's 1,5 year, so it's actually 18 months!

Bad-ass move you pulled back then! I will do my best to be just as strong and level-headed.

Hedwig posted 5/3/2020 09:53 AM

God, why is it so easy to wholeheartedly agree with advice and then do the exact opposite when it comes down to it?

TheFirstWife, you warned me not to engage in some drama fueled discussion trying to make him get why I broke up with him or trying to explain myself. We had a talk today. And while it was not drama fueled, I did end up trying to make him get it and trying to explain myself.

He thought our differences, except for the cheating, were reconcilable. He thought his going back and forth on having children (from a hell no, to a well, maybe?) was reconcilable with my 'hell yes, I love them'.
And now I'm hurt, because it feels like he's downplaying our issues. My therapist told me he is trying to save his ego by asking me 'what went wrong according to you?'

I made it very clear that I had no intention of trying to get back together and he told me that he understood and he did not expect that.

He said he wanted to see me again, if I wanted to. I told him my heart says no right now, because this hurts and I have been having arguments in my head all week, because I knew today I was going to talk to him. And I also told him that maybe later on, I would be open to talking again.

I feel like such a fool, right now. I am being completely honest here, even if I expect some tough love from you guys. I know you only want what's best for me and that I should go NC with him. I just want some validation that it's completely normal to miss them and care for them and wanting to be there for them/talk to them and at the same time, not actually seeing them again.

Blegh.

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