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Why did I wait 18 Months

gc7dirtydeeds posted 4/23/2020 20:21 PM

My(41M) wife(47F) cheated on me. Sorry for the brevity beforehand but it is a story to tell.

We met while working together in 2000. Nothing between us then. We both had SO at the time. Then came late 2002, just before Christmas, we had been flirting at work for a while and I made the step to go to her house while I was supposed to be in college classes. I knew where it was because in a couple of days me and my, at the time, GF were going over to play games. You see my GF, me, and future wife all worked at the same place. Her BF did not. While there we chatted and flirted and she asked me to kiss her. I did. What followed was a whirlwind of time spent together, texting, and sex. Within a few weeks my then GF followed me to her house and confronted me. I left with her and we had the conversation and ended our relationship right there. We still had an apartment together but I moved into my grandmotherís house and she packed up and when the lease was done moved into her own apartment in March 2003. My future wife stayed with her BF before breaking it off and leaving in March. Weíve been together ever since. Married in 2007 and had our only child in 2008.

Our marriage hasnít been perfect just like others. She and I both put on a good deal of weight.
About 2013 she had an anxiety/panic attack. She was in a bad car accident as a teenager. So our son going off to Pre-K seemed to be the trigger as she couldnít protect him. She entered IC at that time and was then diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Come to find out she internalized past sexual abuse she suffered through from 7-12 years old and physical abuse from her father during the same period. About a year later sex life fizzled around 2014. I brought it up to her and told her we need to work through this as a sexless marriage wasnít something I could live with and we needed to work on. I suggested many things from counseling to date nights etc. Neither of us really followed up on that. Though it did improve some. In 2015 her father died. Her mother died in 1992 when she was 19. Even with the past abuse, they were best friends when it came to fishing. Werenít a great father-daughter duo otherwise. A year later the captain of the boat she fished on dies and the business is sold. I would fish with her sometimes but it is not my thing. She asked me once to take her on a new boat once just to walk her on. I didnít and told her she could do it since her friends and a mate from the other boat were now on the new one. This, looking back and her saying so, was a mistake on my part. Also during this time she would primarily sleep on the couch and not in our bed. She would tell me because it was better for her back. She has herniated discs in her neck and lower back due to the car accident and other falls. I tried over the years but could never get her back into bed more than a few nights at a time. She would also fall asleep on the couch watching TV while I was at the computer. Another problem she came to tell me later.

Now the cheating. In August 2018 she met a guy, to become the AP, on the boat she was now fishing on. He had his own smaller boat in the marina she and her dad had their boat years ago. They knew all the same people but supposedly never met. During this she would constantly be on her phone texting and calling what seemed to be him. She would also go out almost every weekend to go fishing with him and at the time she would say others. I made some comments but it continued. In November of 2018 I checked her phone and he sent a picture of her with a fish she caught on his boat and put hooks around it making a heart. Two days before Thanksgiving I woke her up at 2am and confronted her. She denied, denied, denied saying they were just friends. At this time I started monitoring her text messages. A week later on my birthday, he asked for a pretty picture which she sent and promptly deleted. Nothing racy just her in her everyday normal outfit she wore out to dinner that night. I saw it the next day since her photos synced up to our Google Photos. And I checked her text. Again she just said it was that they donít see her outside of fishing attire and donít believe she wears anything else. Again a fight and this would go on and off pretty much all of 2019. I was a fool and didnít want to accept what I really knew was 1. Unacceptable and 2. Most likely physical even though I had no evidence. I told her multiple times I thought it was an emotional affair. In October 2019 again I caught her texts with AP and they were celebrating a 1 year anniversary from a fishing trip they took together. I know on that day in 2018 they did go fishing. But she told me they were going fishing and her texts said they were going to dinner. So I went to the marina and the boat never left so I went to where her phone location was and called her out on it. She came outside we and a small argument since we were in public and I left. She came home a few hours later and we had it out. I told her everything about the texts and tracking the location of her phone. She was pissed. But we kept going and things seemed to be better. Now January 2020 and talking with my parents about buying the house we have been renting from them since we got married. She never liked the idea but I kept pushing that it would be good to get the house cheap and have my parents help pay to get it fixed then sell it in a few years when our son was out of grammar school. We come home from that conversation with my parents and she immediately started texting him. I at that moment knew something was up. So I used my computer to record the sounds in the house. I now knew everything they said. Superbowl Sunday I said something to her about overhearing a conversation they had about selling the house and cheaters. Apparently that came up in my parentís conversation with us and I never even caught it. She did though and she told him on the phone that she started sweating out of guilt. I told her I had to come home from work to get something I forgot. It was a lie but I wanted her reaction. She tried playing it off still and I wasnít buying it. So that Wednesday she went to stay in a hotel until the following Monday. We talked a lot during that time and texted. She said she told him to leave her alone. She did go down to drop off some of his things she had and came back a few hours later. Again not happy as dropping off should have been done in an hour or so. We entered counseling the following week. Over the next couple weeks he was regularly reaching out but she was hardly responding. Then came February 24th. She went to go to a fishing meeting that night. But she left around noon to hang at the boat she fishes on. Not the AP boat, though he is friends with the owner. Her phone gets turned off about 1pm I know because it went right to voicemail when I called her and I lose it again. She calls me back around 4pm after she turns her phone back on to my text telling her to say hello to the AP. She says she is not with the AP. What she didnít know at the time is before she left I put a recording device in her car. I had a very bad feeling that day. The next day I let her have everything about what I had been doing as I was done with the lies and bullshit. I hit my breaking point and I wouldnít do it anymore. They were to be done. No more contact. And you know what there wasnít except for a few texts he sent to her. I monitored it all and she knew. We continued counceling.

In comes coronavirus and shelter in place on March 15th. Everything is going OK. She writes a journal she then shares it with me beginning to open up about the last 18 months. Iím feeling better. She is sleeping in bed again and we are trying. She has also started IC. On March 26th she asks if she can go to the boat to hang out. I tell her I have reservations about her seeing the AP there to which she says she would leave if he was. I guess it didnít work out as the captain didnít tell her to come down since he had other things going on. I talk that night a bit. More me than her. During that I asked if AP tried to contact her again. There was a pause and she said yes a text message but she wasnít sure when since she doesnít look and deletes or archives them. Again Iím suspicious so later that night I check the phone bill. It was that day when she was asking about going down. So I say we need to talk about it and she says she didnít want to because she is in a bad mood. I let it be that night and asked again Friday the 27th. But again no taking because she was in a mood and didnít want to be mean. So let it go but I was going to push it on Saturday morning and I did. I told her that I knew when he texted and explained that I was not accusing her of making plans but it was strange that the AP would reach out for the first time in a while when she was talking to the captain he was friends with asked her to come down. She went on to say if the roles were reversed she doesnít think she would care that I cheated on her and she thought it may have already happened earlier when I was unhappy with our sex life. I didnít, I wouldnít and that is insulting as I told her. Then I asked if later she would sit down with me and remove him from all her social media and accounts on her phone. She told me no and when I asked why she said it was unnecessary and juvenile. At that moment I asked her to pack her bags and leave.

She went to a hotel for the week and we really didnít speak much. I did email her a few times about my feelings and us. On the 1st we talked and she said she thought our marriage was over, she was at the house for a MC session in which it seems like she intended to tell me during but she did it before. On the 6th I asked her if that is really what she wanted she said she didnít know but she had to work on herself in counseling before she could make any decision. I was and am still open to working on the marriage. She was looking to move in with her sister for a bit but they were on lockdown in her apartment complex. So what did she do? She moved in with the girl who lives above the AP. Itís been that way since the 4th. She is now looking to get out and get a studio apartment for 6 months. She wants to use the time to get a job and work on herself.

I know I took too long to tell her to put up or shut up. I made that mistake. Now I have to decide if I continue on waiting or not. I have been very amicable to helping her since she left but now I think I am going to start taking care of me. She is supposed to come over tomorrow and potentially stay the night with our son. I know she is going to ask me to stay at my parents as she gets anxious when she comes over and Iím around. We did this for Easter. This time I really donít want to. She was supposed to confirm spending the night and still has not. So it is going to be her choice stay and spend time with her son or leave. I will give them space by going upstairs but Iím done being the person who makes everyone else happy. Maybe it is too late but I am beginning to do the 180 immediately.

Newlifeisgreat posted 4/23/2020 20:55 PM

Donít fixate on last 18 months!

Now is the time to focus on YOU and your son.

Email her and tell her that tomorrow is not good got her to come over.

Read up on 180, and implement it

Good luck and stay strong!

Buster123 posted 4/23/2020 21:17 PM

You're only logical choice right now is to file for D (you can always stop it if she comes around) and expose her with all family and close friends, she's still in an ACTIVE A and therefore you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to work with right now, btw don't forget to get tested for STDs (this ain't no EA). Your M started as an A, some say that "if they cheat with you they will cheat on you" so if this ends in D, next time find someone who's actually single and not in any type of relationship.

Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial moment and the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through this difficult situation.

ChamomileTea posted 4/23/2020 21:32 PM

It's unfortunate, but sometimes the old maxim "If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you" turns out to be true. That's because cheating is a character problem, not a relationship problem. Something inside the cheater says "yes" to perfidy. Some people will repair that flaw, but most won't see the need for it.

Right now, you're playing whack-a-mole trying to catch her in contact with the AP. Better to just assume she's active in her affair, 180, see an attorney, and file. Your WW has had no consequences, nothing to pop her fantasy bubble. This may (or may not) wake her up a bit. But it you're to have any success at all towards R, she needs to be the one pursuing you, not the other way around.

gc7dirtydeeds posted 4/23/2020 21:42 PM

I have read the 180 and will be doing it going forward beginning today. I am strongly considering the email.

I talked to a lawyer earlier in the month and have the paperwork and details.

Definitely not an EA she has admitted that it was physical about 4 times between Feb '19 and Jun '19. Do I believe that at this time? NO!

Like was said now is the time for me and for her to feel the consequences of her choices and actions.

Yeah I never thought she would cheat on me. I know even though I did when we got together I wouldn't again just seeing what I did to my then GF. I take my commitment seriously it's just not worth it to lie and fake it. I know that sounds hypocritical but it's true now. I grew.


nekonamida posted 4/23/2020 23:43 PM

She went on to say if the roles were reversed she doesnít think she would care that I cheated on her and she thought it may have already happened earlier when I was unhappy with our sex life.

Are you sure she wasn't cheating back in 2014? It sure sounds like it especially if she already thought you were cheating too. That's a common thing we hear about around here.

Unfortunately she doesn't sound like she's coming back. She might if OM dumps her or she realizes he's not all that great and then you can be plan B. But how long until she finds someone else to run off with? Isn't that similar to how the two of you got together in the first place? She's stuck in a cycle of cheating, getting greener grass syndrome, and leaving. And her fidelity has been questionable for much longer than just this OM too.

You have so much working against you even if she did come back. She's very dysfunctional. She doesn't know the first thing about healthy longterm relationships. It's always been about her and her needs instead of a partnership with you. That is A LOT for her to overcome even if she was willing. Without her wanting to change, your marriage will not make it.

notanotherchance posted 4/24/2020 01:13 AM

How much more abuse are you going to take before you rid yourself of the WW. You know there was much more happening then fishing right. She has zero remorse for her actions, the consequences have been very minimal & she has moved in with the AP. You don't really think she is actually staying with the girl living above her fuck buddies pad & if she is she is visiting him daily & nightly. Seriously a blind man could see through that.
You need to get tested for STD's, expose to everyone, lawyer up & find out all you can about the AP as you do not want your child introduced to some drug user or predator.

The1stWife posted 4/24/2020 01:25 AM

Iím sorry your wife is making poor choices and destroying your marriage.

I think youíve made the right move by starting the 180 and not leaving the home when she comes to visit your child.

Too bad if sheís uncomfortable!!!! She left her child and her marriage.

She needs to suffer the consequences. Period. Please stop allowing HER to make any decisions about your marriage or life. Itís now time for you to make the decisions in the best interest of your child and you.

Game on!

Buffer posted 4/24/2020 03:23 AM

Sorry brother
Sandwich from her. Accountability and responsibility.
She has to accept these before she can on herself and work towards R.
Start the 180 now, get tested for STDs and STIs she didnít practice safe sex and is still at risk. She also needs to be tested as well and you need to see the results. Hopefully you have primary custody of your little one. She should be paying child assistance whilst living away from the family abode. Get financial and further legal advice. If you get a separation agreement set up, get a morality clause. No AP sleep overs whilst the little one is there. She is using this as her exit affair so you start D and she gets sympathy. Let all know what she has done. Cheaters are the most selfish people, she is working on herself, yet nothing about you, healing your betrayal, or mental health.
Exercise if possible even if it is daily walks with the little one to the park. Eat healthy, drink only water, IC as well for you. Cancel all joint accounts and credit cards. She is responsible for 50% of all marriage debt. Get her to start paying that off.
To get your wife back from her wayward ways you have to be prepared to loose the marriage. When she gets her own apartment her POS will be there the A will flourish.
One day at a time
Buffer

SI Staff posted 4/24/2020 05:31 AM

   Moving to General

gc7dirtydeeds posted 4/24/2020 07:57 AM

@nekonamida - I don't think she was. Possible but unlikely given she was a stay at home mom and was always home and she was quite heavy. Neither precludes that option but I can't know for sure.

@notanotherchance - No more abuse. I am fully aware that fishing wasn't all they were doing. And possibly given her current living situation I wouldn't doubt for a moment that it still continues which is why I am not done and focusing on myself and my son.

@the1stwife - Exactly her comfortability is not important anymore. I am making the decisions now and going forward.

She is now going to have consequences to struggle with. I emailed her this morning that she is not to come over today at all let alone stay the night. She can call our son at the agreed-upon time. I mean she couldn't even have the respect and decency to inform me or our son of her plans. That is when I realized it was still all about her. I have even opened my own personal bank accounts and I am changing my direct deposit.

Thank you all for your time and kind words.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 4/24/2020 08:25 AM

Right now I would bet she is seeing the AP since she is staying right there. I would bet everything I'm going to earn for the rest of my life.

That being said, no she should not come over...there is a virus about and the wonderful thing about affairs as we all have experienced is that your WS does not give a shit about what they subject you to or what the expose you to. Not only do you have to worry about STDs but now you have to worry about exposure to the virus...and sadly the virus can be exposed to your son. If she is not willing to admit she has been seeing him with a potentially deadly virus floating around that could be transmitted to you AND your son, she's not worthy of dealing with.

I'm sorry - I know the "I can't figure things out" and the "I'm ambivalent" crap too well and it hurts like hell. I would say the sooner you start working on you and letting her have what she thinks she wants right now, the better off you will be later for a multitude of reasons.

Newlifeisgreat posted 4/27/2020 09:45 AM

How are you doing today GC?

Hang in there.
Donít worry about your timeline. We all have different ones. The key is that you finally know that she is not the woman you thought, and have finally decided n a course of action that benefits you and your son


Stay strong, and no matter what, ALWAYS be sure you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror

gc7dirtydeeds posted 4/27/2020 11:01 AM

Hello New. Thank you for checking in with me. It means a lot to know others are supportive.

Lot's of emotions a lot of anger came out this weekend. WW ended up coming to the house on Friday even though I sent her an email that morning telling her not to. She didn't check it until she got there. So I left my son at my parents and came to the house and let it out. Even though I just wanted to be firm it ended up pretty mean. I followed that up by laying out bullet points of my expectations around her visiting in an email.

I also scheduled IC for myself beginning Wednesday. One day at a time. Spend most nights having dinner with my parents and my son.

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